HTBABF: Tear Them Down

Tear Them Down With Words

James 3

Hello, students! It is great to see you again.

Hopefully you liked what we talked about last week—about the need to get rid of friends—and have tried to put in to affect the art of being an uncommitted friend.

However, if your pals are just too dimwitted to notice that you have been trying to ignore them, you may need to take it up a notch.

So, if you have acquaintances that keep coming around despite your best efforts to be scarce, then you need to listen up, as tonight we are going to share with you our second step to being a bad friend and getting them to leave.

TEAR THEM DOWN WITH YOUR WORDS.

If they are going to insist on being around you, then make their time one of misery.

Let your words be so hurtful to them that they second-guess their decision to consider you a friend.

What do I mean by this?

Well, let’s take another look at this old book of wisdom from the Bible called Proverbs.

(NIV)

Proverbs 16:28 ESV

A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.

A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.

If you continued to read the book of Proverbs, you would hear time and time again of the wicked capabilities that it says the untamed tongue can possess, but this one verse sparks the imagination to several ways one can cause drama amongst one’s peers.

I can’t tell you of the number of friendships I’ve seen turn sour (both in person and online), because people were careless with their words.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve just got a filthy mouth constantly toward someone, or you just let one juicy story out that you were entrusted with … you can be sure that it will cause problems.

In fact, it will cause more than just problems, it can cause pain.

Look what Proverbs says earlier.

Proverbs 12:18 ESV

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

(NIV)

The words of the reckless pierce like swords.

Pain can be a great reason for someone to leave a relationship, and it can come in a variety of ways, including physical, which I would not suggest since that is quite likely to get you in legal trouble.

So, if you are taking notes, we are going to look at three verbal ways …

TO BE A BAD FRIEND, AND TEAR THEM DOWN!

1.) BE JUST PLAIN MEAN.

The easiest thing to do is to call them names.

They can be generic, rude things (dork, freak, loser), or you can play them off of personal details.

If they just missed a game winning free-throw, call them something like “Dead Shot,” or if some girl quickly dates a boy after breaking up with some other guy, call her a “floozy.”

Don’t be afraid of the more explicit ones, either.

If you can’t come up with clever names, I encourage you to insult them directly.

Just mock their features and failures.

Let them know that you disapprove without a doubt.

Also, make sure that they know that you are far better than them in every way they have failed or not measured up.

Saying things like, “Wow, you failed that assignment? What a moron!

I didn’t even try on that one and got an A,” covers all the bases to make a grand slam of an insult.

If possible, when undermining them, try to do it in front of others.

This one is great if you can’t come up with anything bad on them, because you can just speak badly to them.

When in group conversations or settings, always find a way to cut them off or make an excuse for why they are not worthy of saying anything relevant.

If they are talking about something with the group say, “This is boring,” and change the topic to something you deem more interesting.

If it is something interesting, they can still be wrong about it, so tell some good reason to the group why he or she doesn’t know what they are talking about, even if it’s just, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard, you don’t know what you’re talking about!”

2.) EXPOSE UNNESSESARY PERSONAL INFO.

There is a pretty easy model to follow with this step.

Simply take any non-public knowledge that would embarrass or make others think less of them, and share it openly.

This could be things said to you in confidence, like crushes, worst fears, and family drama.

It could also include things they’ve gone through.

Perhaps how they cried when they heard that their crush liked someone else, or that they wet the bed at a sleepover in the first grade.

Once you have picked out your juicy tidbit, just bring it up for no good reason at all (other than to try to gain everyone’s attention).

It also helps if after you’ve shared it with one person, you to go ahead and continue to share it with others.

After all, there is no harm, since it’s no longer a secret, and it will ensure that your soon to be ex-best friend knows that it was you who shared their dark secret with everyone else.

3). WHEN IN DOUBT LIE, LIE, LIE.

If they are boring, or just haven’t trusted you with any secrets, it doesn’t mean you can’t make up some.

Try and make them believable, yet still surprising.

I suggest spinning facts that you do know.

Here are a few examples of what you can do:

· Is their parent easily upset? Say something like, “I’m pretty sure their dad has an anger problem or something.”

· Is their parent easily upset? Say something like, “I’m pretty sure their dad has an anger problem or something.”

· Is their parent easily upset? Say something like, “I’m pretty sure their dad has an anger problem or something.”

· Did they get called to the office mysteriously? Tell the kids in your row that you heard he is getting screened for a drug test.

· Did they get called to the office mysteriously? Tell the kids in your row that you heard he is getting screened for a drug test.

· If they have been dating someone and are gone from school for a few days, tell everyone, “You know she must be pregnant.”

· If they have been dating someone and are gone from school for a few days, tell everyone, “You know she must be pregnant.”

The more outlandish it is, the better it will sever your relationship, because it will cause more pain thus driving them further from you.

BECAUSE THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT FRIENDS DO …

[BREAK SARCASM]

Again, we find ourselves in some pretty gruesome situations, pretty easily, because it is easy to be a bad friend.

In fact, words make it really easy to be an enemy.

Our words sometimes cut the deepest, and while our “friends” my laugh, and brush it off, deep down they are hurting by your words.

Or maybe you have friends— and sometimes things they say hit to close to home, you know what I am talking about, it is that moment that they say something and it hits like a ton of bricks, you get quite, maybe give off that shy smile because you don’t want them to know they hurt you, because it is like shark when it smells blood, it will attack you even more.

We know what it is like to be hurt by words and we know what it is like to hurt others by our words.

We understand this, and so does James, he got this too.

In the book of James we look to it as the book about Christian living.

James hits so many things right on the head and one of those is how do we speak, how do we control our tongue.

If you have your Bible flip open to we will start in verse 2.

James 3:2–12 ESV

For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.

James 3:2-

We are all guilty

James 3:2 ESV

For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body.

James 3:2–4 ESV

For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs.

James 3:2-

We all stumble, we all cannot be perfect.

Actually you see no one is perfect, expect Jesus, I hope that we can all agree on that one, that Jesus lived a perfect life.

Guess what you are not Jesus, you stumble.

Stop thinking you are free from sin because you ain’t!

Because if you were, you would be able to control your tongue, that is what James is getting at here.

If you were perfect this would not be an issues, but since it is, Jame is now going to highlight how tricky the tongue is.

But James in not taking about perfect that no one can match, but James is really getting at the speech side of things.

You see believe it or not it was of high virtue for someone to say as little as possible.

It showed maturity, it showed that you were able to control your tongue and your whole body.

But since I believe that we all are not mature in what we say, I think it is pretty easy to say, we are not perfect, i struggle with my words, as I am sure you do as well.

But just because we are all guilty does not mean that we chalk that up and say oh well, what you get is what you get.

As we draw near to Jesus and our faith continues to grow in this area of our life we should also see growth in controlling our tongue.

You see the your words direct much of your life, James is comparing this big creature a horse that is controlled by a bit that as the person on the horse you can tell the horse where to go with just a little pull on the reigns.

James goes on to describe how being on a boat the boat is controlled by a small rudder.

Something so small in contrast to the big ship has such a critical role.

My brother and I use to fight all the time and every once in a whole we would fish hook each other.

Fish hooking is when you literally put your finger in their mouth and pull on their check, while yes gross but super effective, because you now have control over your opponent.

I thought it was a great trick until the day Matt fished hooked me, I did not like not having control of my head, it hurt, it was painful, He controlled my direction.

Our tongue while small played a huge role in your friendship, it has the power to encourage, to be loving and caring but....

It aslo has the power to cause a great deal of damage.

Something tiny can cause much damage

James 3:5–8 ESV

So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

James 3:5-

Many of us have probably heard of the Great Chicago fire right?

The fire was on October 8, 1871

But did you know there was also 3 other fires that day that cause a crazy amount of damage as well.

So here are the four fires.

Chicago Fire: Burned 3.3 square miles, but since it was in a city it killed 300 people and left 100,000 people homeless.

Port Huran Fire, MI: 1.2 Million Acres= 1875 square miles and 50 dead

Great Michigan Fire: 2.5 million acres= about 4000 square miles- 250-300 dead this includes all of MI so that would include the Port Huran fire.

Peshtigo Fire, WI- 1.2 million acres= 1875 square miles and 1500 people dead.

Strong winds from a cold front over the midwest is what caused the wide spread disaster of these fires.

However all of the fire but one started with a match, started with a small candle— The Great Michigan Fire most likely started because of lighting striking.

These fires changed peoples lives forever.

And it started with a spark.

The spark my have had good intentions as it was lighting a room, or beginning a fire to clean out some farm land.

All these fires started because the wind carried it off.

When we say hurtful words, spread gossip, write something on our walls, or put something on instagram, or take some photo on snapchat.

It is out there for the world to see.

And something that was small, or something that was not a big deal, has changed into a huge deal.

With just a spark—

James goes on to call the tongue a fire, he states the tongue is a fire.

Stick and stone may break my bone but words will never hurt me, reverses that truth of the matter.

Far easier to heal are the wounds caused by sticks and stones than the damage caused by words.

How are your words to your friends?

Do they lift up or do the cause pain?

Our tongue can cause damage— but also

Our tongues praise and reject in the same breath

James 3:9–12 ESV

With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.

James 3:9-

James through out his letter here, keep talking about this man who is doubleminded.

James 1:8 ESV

he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

James 4:8 ESV

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

This person is inconsistent in their faith, they are trying to please God and the world and it is impossible to do both.

Just like it is impossible to praise God and curse people— who were made in His image by the way.

It ultimately comes down to your heart.

It ultimately comes down to your heart.

I heard this saying many many years ago and let me tell you it has stuck with for years now.

What you say in your head is what you believe in your heart, what you say is what you mean.

You see our words, our tongues are not just because we cannot control what we say, it is a heart issue, at the end of the day.

What is your words are saying; you are crude, your mean, a bully, a jerk— guess what that is your heart condition.

I hear many times I didn’t mean that, that is a lie, because you just said something that was in your heart, and what you say is what you mean.

What condition is your heart in?

Are you truly seeking after the Lord, because if you were, let me tell you something, Jesus is in the business of changing lives, and if your life still looks the same after an encounter with God, then it is not on God.... It’s on you.

Jesus is in the business of changing lives!

If this is not flowing from your lips, then you are not soaking up the savior!

I am not saying that you are not a Christian, I means someone could make that case, but that is not what I am to do tonight.

Sometimes we get into ruts I get it, but if you can’t remember the last time you picked up your Bible or prayed, man, you got a heart problem.

And you may need to start with, do I truly believe in Christ.

This is the best place to ask those questions, you do not have to leave here with that mystery in your life, you can find out, talk to your breakout leaders, grab me afterwards.

I think we can all be a little more kind with our words.

I think we all need to reflect on what we say, and ask those questions, why am I saying this?

Christians who have been transformed by the Spirit of God should display the whol

Our words are a reflection of what is going on inside of here, and if we are filling ourselves up with garbage what do you think is going to spill out?

That right, we are not recyclable we are are going to spill out garbage.

But if you decide to fill yourselves up with the Spirit of God then what will spill out of you is from God.

Last time I check God spoke in love, in truth and in grace.

How are we doing with our friendships?

Let’s pray?

Next week:

TO BE A BAD FRIEND, LEAD THEM TO MAKE BAD DECISIONS!

Reminder We are having a worship night here on Friday! be here at 9:30 it is going to be amazing! See you then and know that you are loved.

Questions:

1. What’s the most hurtful thing a loved one has ever said to you?

2. says that reckless words can “pierce like swords.” How could each area listed tonight (mean, unnecessary, or lies) affect someone in that way?

3. How do you see these ways of tearing people down among your own friends and in school? Do not share the names of specific people.

4. In what ways do you fail to consider whether or not words spoken to/about your friends that are true, helpful, inspiring, necessary, or kind?

5. Who is someone to whom you need to make amends, because you failed to keep a secret or spoke unfairly about them?