Type 2 -- Enneagram
A Word on Love...
We begin our consideration of the nine types of the Enneagram with Type 2 — The Helper
When Healthy:
Healthy Twos can often name their own needs and feelings without fear of losing relationships. They are generous in their efforts to love well and care for others. These happy, secure Twos also have appropriate boundaries, knowing what is theirs to do and what is not. They create a comfortable, safe space for others and are often considered to be a friend to many. Loving and lovable, they adapt well to changing circumstances and are aware of the true self that exists beyond their relationships.
When Average:
Average Twos are convinced that the expression of their own needs and feelings will automatically threaten the stability of their relationships. They are generous people, but they often consciously or subconsciously expect something in return for their efforts. They have poor boundaries and generally only know themselves in relation to other people. They are attracted to powerful people, whom they expect to define them, and they’ll use flattery to pull them in.
When Unhealthy:
Unhealthy Twos are codependent. In their desire to be loved they will accept almost any substitute: appreciation, neediness, companionship and purely utilitarian relationships. These Twos are insecure, manipulative and often play the role of the martyr. They don’t give so much as invest, trying to earn love by meeting others’ needs—but always expecting a high return on that investment.
Two’s Deadly Sin:
Twos, Threes and Fours compose the Feeling or Heart Triad and represent the most emotion-oriented, relationship-centered and image-conscious numbers on the Enneagram. All three of these types believe they can’t be loved for who they are, so each projects a false image they believe will win the approval of others.
Pride is the deadly sin of the Two, which sounds nonsensical because Twos appear to be more selfless than self-inflated. But pride lingers in the shadows of Twos’ hearts. It reveals itself in the way they focus all their attention and energy on meeting the needs of others while at the same time giving the impression they have no needs of their own. The sin of pride comes into play in the way Twos believe other people are more needy than they are and that they alone know best what others require. They relish in the myth of their own indispensability.
Twos are indiscriminate caregivers. They foist their assistance and advice on those they deem to be weaker, less experienced and less capable of managing their lives than they are—people who would otherwise be lost without them. It’s hard not to pat yourself on the back when you have an almost supernatural gift for detecting what others need and a seemingly unlimited supply of time, energy, treasure and talent to rescue them. Twos love to jump on their white horse to save the day when others require their assistance, but they can’t imagine asking someone to lend them a hand when the situation is reversed. Twos rarely ask for help, at least not directly, and they don’t know how to receive it when it’s offered. It makes sense to Twos that others have to rely on them, but for them to rely on others? Never in a million years. Not to put too fine a point on it, but Twos suffer from an inflated view of their own power, independence and value to others. What lies beneath that pride? Terror. Twos fear that acknowledging their wants will end in humiliation and that directly asking someone to fulfill their needs will lead to rejection. What if the person refuses me? they ask. How would I survive the shame and humiliation? It would only confirm what I’ve known all along: I’m unworthy of love.
Though they’re not always conscious of it, the help unevolved Twos provide others comes with strings attached. They want something in return: love, appreciation, attention, and the unspoken promise of future emotional and material support. Their giving is calculated and manipulative. Twos think if they can wrest appreciation and approval, and evoke a feeling of indebtedness in others, then others will sense when they require help and provide for their needs without their having to ask for it. Unconsciously they’re drawing up a kind of quid pro quo arrangement: “I’ll be there for you as long as you promise to be there for me without my having to acknowledge or ask you for help.”
Twos believe they live in a world in which you have to be needed before you can be loved, and where you have to give to get. And because they don’t believe you’d keep them around if they ever failed to render you service, Twos find it hard to put a cap on the time and energy they’ll devote to taking care of you. It’s a wonder to behold when you see an immature Two behind the wheel of the Love Train. Once it leaves the station it’s all but impossible to stop it.
Working with Two’s:
Twos are intuitive people with highly developed interpersonal skills who need to work in positions where there’s a lot of people contact. Twos build community. They know who’s doing well around the office and who isn’t. They remember people’s birthdays and the names of everyone’s kids. First to get the inside scoop, they know the backstory to everyone’s divorce, whose kid needs rehab, and who’s pregnant before anyone else does (even the father). As leaders they know how to recruit the right people to accomplish a task and use encouragement and praise to inspire and motivate them. They’re empathic, optimistic, and—because they’re image conscious—they know how to make an organization shine in the eyes of the outside world.
Supervisors need to have the freedom to provide constructive feedback when their employees need it. People who supervise Twos, however, should keep in mind that too much criticism or harsh words will crush them. Twos aren’t as interested as other types in climbing the ladder—or if they are, they keep their desire for recognition and attention outside their awareness because admitting they want it makes them vulnerable to disappointment.
The Spiritual Life of a Two:
As is the case with every number, what’s great about Twos is what’s not so great about Twos. When people give too much, help for the wrong reasons, or serve others for selfish reasons rather than because they’re called by God, their giving becomes calculating, controlling and manipulative. If you’re a Helper, this chapter has likely been a difficult read for you.
Twos have long been afraid that people will reject them once they discover the Twos have needs and unattended sorrows of their own. Twos live in service to the lie that the only way to win love is through hiding the screwed-up, vulnerable people they really are behind the appearance and activity of a cheerful, selfless helper. Like all numbers in the Feeling Triad, they believe that if they show their true selves to the world, it will lead to rejection. The healing message for Twos is “You’re wanted.” Twos’ needs matter, and they can begin now to learn how to directly express their real feelings and desires without undue fear of humiliation or rejection.
All Twos have to learn the difference between self-interested and altruistic giving. Self-interested giving expects payback, whereas altruistic giving comes without any strings attached. As the saying goes, “When you give and expect a return, that’s an investment. When you give and don’t expect anything back, that’s love.”
If Twos are going to learn how to attend to their own needs as much as they pay attention to the needs of other people, they have to work on their soul in solitude. If they try to do this work in community they’ll be tempted to help those around them grow spiritually rather than focus on their own development. In this situation Twos’ tendency to drop everything to help people in crisis is more a defense against facing their own needs and feelings than an act of service. In their time with God they might ask themselves, Who am I when no one needs me?
Relating to and with a 2:
Twos are very perceptive about what other people want or need from them. At the same time they are usually disconnected from what they need and want from others. One key to relationships with Twos is to help bridge the gap. Here are some other things to keep in mind:
• Twos experience anxiety when they recognize that they are feeling their own feelings. They don’t know a lot about how to act on their own behalf.
• Try to help Twos find a way to share with you what they honestly feel.
• Twos can only process verbally. They don’t think things through—they talk their way through them. You can avoid so much misunderstanding by keeping this in mind.
• Don’t trust their answer when they say they’re fine or good. Press a little deeper.
• Twos want honest feedback, but they take everything personally. So if you say, “I don’t like your spaghetti recipe,” they hear, “I don’t like you.” You don’t need to remind them that it isn’t personal; they know that and they’re trying to outgrow that way of thinking.
• In an intimate relationship, Twos need to hear you say, “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. There’s nothing you need to do, there’s nothing you need to be, and there’s nothing you need to help me with. I love you for you.”
• Encourage Twos to let you address your own feelings.
• Twos need a partner who is demonstrative with affection. It is very reassuring.
• Twos need a partner who wants to meet and know their friends.
• While Twos are happy to be second in command, be sure to acknowledge their contribution.
• Try to have patience when Twos are overly concerned regarding their relationships with other people. Your impatience with that reality will only add to their insecurity.
• Anger or disproportionate emotional responses usually signal unmet needs.