Abuse: An Issue We Can Not Ignore -Eph 5:1-30

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Often in the life of the church we must stop and address things going on in our culture and in our community. We must be equipped to respond bible to the real world we live in.

Today is one of those days not only at BCC but for our denomination as our the SBC has put the spotlight on Abuse because:

Oct. 20, 2019

Abuse: An Issue We Can Not Ignore

“This is a one week series based in , to give a biblical foundation for Recognizing, Responding, and Rescuing those around us who are being abused.”

Main idea: As the rescued Children of God we are called to demonstrate God’s character and His gospel by recognizing, responding, and rescuing the most vulnerable of our community.

Abuse: Does the Bible deal with it or is it silent?

How do we know anything is right and wrong? The Triune God exist and God never looks outside Himself to answer that question.

We look to the triune God to know what right, true, Holy, and healthy

Biblically: Abuse = Oppression = To come down on and keep down by unjust use of one’s authority; crush someone else

The Bible has much to say about those who oppress others. - From Egypt to the Promise land

Abuse is Marriage, Abuse in the home, Abuse in the Church - Sounds like a strange place for it to happen doesn’t it?

When you think of home, or the family of God, what should come to mind? Safety, rest, peace, security

What is marriage? What is it not?

To maintain power or control over someone else is not marriage but for many it has become their normal, their life.

The most vulnerable preyed upon in place of safety like homes and churches and schools

Ex 1-22: Exodus - Egypt - oppression - They Cried - God Heard - God Saw - God Rescued - God Judged

Biblically: Abuse = Oppression = To come down on and keep down by unjust use of one’s authority; crush someone else

The Bible has much to say about those who oppress others. - From oppression to the promise land

; ; ;

Psalm 146:5–9 ESV

5 Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, 6 who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, who keeps faith forever; 7 who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry. The Lord sets the prisoners free; 8 the Lord opens the eyes of the blind. The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down; the Lord loves the righteous. 9 The Lord watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless, but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin.

English Standard Version Chapter 1

11 Therefore they set taskmasters over them ito afflict them with heavy jburdens.

English Standard Version Chapter 2

23 During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. 24 And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. 25 God saw the people of Israel—and God knew.

English Standard Version Chapter 3

9 And now, behold, the cry of the people of Israel has come to me, and I have also seen the oppression with which the Egyptians oppress them. 10 Come, I will send you to Pharaoh that you may bring my people, the children of Israel, out of Egypt.”

English Standard Version Chapter 6

6 Say therefore to the people of Israel, ‘I am the LORD, and I will bring you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians, and I will deliver you from slavery to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with great acts of judgment. 7 I will take you to be my people, and I will be your God, and you shall know that I am the LORD your God, who has brought you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians. 8 I will bring you into the land that I swore to give to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob. I will give it to you for a possession. I am the LORD.’

- God Rescues

- God judges the oppressors

- Therefore act like your God

Exodus 22:21 ESV

21 “You shall not wrong a sojourner or oppress him, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt.

- The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a Refuge in times of trouble.

oppressed = crushed or made miserable by another.

a stronghold in times of trouble.

Psalm 9:9 ESV

9 The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.

oppressed = crushed or made miserable by another.

The Church in is a place of safety but also a place where Predators seek to climb into the fold and prey on the vulnerable. The Shepherd is the person who gives his life so that sheep might be safe, secure and at peace. (GG lesson)

Some eye opening statistics:

More than 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and more than 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the U.S. having experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.

85% of domestic violence victims are women.

Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew.

Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.

Three Helpful images of God for His children: Father - Shepherd - Bridegroom (GG & Sermon)

To recognize evil we must know Righteousnes

To know abuse we must know what a healthy relationship looks like.

The triune God is our foundational basis for healthy relationships.

Three God-ordained institutions: The Church, The Family, The Civil Authorities

In a fallen world all these institution have their God -given roles but make no mistake only one is eternal; The Church (God’s children)

Which of these institutions are eternal?

Marriage reflects the eternal, that is Christ and His Church; His people and His family is eternal and Christ’s nature and character is ours to reflect in the temporal.

The truth!

-We all blow it! We blow it relationally

James 3:2 ESV

2 For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body.

We are convicted when we blow it

We respond in repentance when confronted with our sins

We don’t minimize, blame or mock those we hurt.

Abusers are Predators - They Hunt, they groom, they plan, they manipulate, they dominate

With abusers you don’t see long term progress but escalation to more abusive attitudes and actions.

Abuse Must be Recognized

This is for more than domestic abuse but this definition is helpful.

Sadly, the primary context for abuse is couched in love. So abuse happens at the place where victims are the most vulnerable.

This is for more than domestic abuse but this definition is helpful.

Domestic abuse: “a pattern of coercive or controlling behavior used by one individual to gain or maintain power and control over another individual in the context of an intimate relationship. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, exploit, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound an intimate partner.”

Two distinctions:

This is a pattern of controlling behavior

This is about control and power (Abusers are masterful manipulators and blame-shifters: Not about sex, not money, not what the Bible says, not you making them angry.)

Abusers secure their power and control through fear, shame, blame

Abusers make themselves “lord” of someone else and will do anything to keep control.

The U.S. Advisory Board on Child Abuse and Neglect suggests that domestic violence may be the single major precursor to child abuse and neglect fatalities in this country.[v]

Five major categories of Abuse

Five major categories of Abuse

Physical: Physical abuse is the intentional or reckless use of physical force in a way that may result in bodily injury or physical pain.

Emotional: Emotional abuse (also called mental, verbal, or psychological abuse) is a pattern of behavior that promotes a destructive sense of fear, obligation, shame, or guilt. If your spouse neglects, frightens, isolates, belittles, or exploits you, plays mind games or lies frequently, or blames, shames, or threatens you, they are being emotionally abusive.

Sexual: Sexual abuse happens when sex is not an expression of an emotional or spiritual union. Taken out of God’s design, sex is easily corrupted. It is corrupted in the worst way when sex is demanded, required, or taken by force.

Spiritual: Spiritual abuse occurs when the oppressor establishes control and domination by using Scripture, doctrine, or a “leadership role” as weapons.

Economic: Economic abuse, like other forms of abuse, may be subtle or overt but in general includes tactics that limit the partner’s access to assets or family finances or that conceal information. The oppressor withholds money in order to control freedoms and relationships, often creating isolation and forced dependency.

The Categories may be like a train going thru the Mountains, you most likely will not see the whole train, but these will often escalate and ends up in physical abuse

Are we just supposed to preach the gospel and keep our nose out of the rest?

We are God’s ambassadors but we must understand our God-ordained roles.

Stop for just a second. Look at these definitions. If this has ever happened to you or someone you love, this was wrong, evil and satanic.

This was not your fault

This has caused trauma.

Trauma is not like a cut on your hand that simply heals and goes away.

Trauma must be healed from the inside out.

Abuse is a Gospel Issue

Marriage is a covenant entered into by two people to One God whereby God determines the terms of the covenant.

Eph right beliefs lead to right living

God revealed Himself in the person of Christ who took on a fully human nature

Christ is the standard and Christ rescues

Any wonder so much abuse goes on in homes and places of supposed safety

Eph context is marriage

V. 23 - Head = Direction and leadership

For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.

Headship but how does he leads and how does Jesus directs his people.

He is our Savior (Rescuer)

A Savior is a person who rescues someone from danger or violence

You say, I don’t need a Savior… The most dangerous reality in many lives is their own misplaced sense of invulnerability.

A Father & Husband provides a place of peace, a place of safety

V.25 - Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

Love = God’s eternal love within the Trinity is expressed toward his people towards his people

Servant leadership - Jesus came not to be served but to serve - Men that what you signed up for in marriage - to serve - to put yourself dead last and love it.

Servant leadership is a core essential of church leaders and leaders within the home

Sacrificial leadership - V.25b - He gave up himself

The gospel is Christ entering our world bore our sin, bore our shame, bore our guilt to rescue us.

He brings God’s word to bear so that she becomes like Christ - Holiness

He leads by laying day his own rights and privileges so we might be rescued.

Christ is the standard and Christ rescues

Christ is the standard and Christ Protects

V.28 -In the same way:

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

“Husbands, love your wives”

How so?

True love uses its power to nourish and cherish - V.29

English Standard Version Chapter 5

29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,

We cover to protect & we provide in order to grow = This is love!

We’ll pastor what about submission?

You skipped v.22 - No most of us us skip v.21!

Ephesians 5:21 ESV

21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

God calls no one to submit to destructive behavior. Such a thought is demonic!

Healthy relations?

Colossians 3:12–17 ESV

12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Colossians 3:12–14 ESV

12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Marriage, Church and the home is designed by God to be a place of safety, mutual trust, sacrifice, care and honesty and in doing so it displays both the gospel of our salvation and the very heart of our triune God.

Abuse flips this picture of the gospel the character of God on its head

Abuse is a demonic distortion of God’s design.

Abuse is the devils design for headship and relationship not God’s.

Abusers do not rescue those they claim to love they endanger them.

Abusers do not protect those they claim love they harm, neglect, & attack them.

The Husband/Wife become a domineering brute who expects respect and obedience or else.

The wife/husband gradually become a disconnected, voiceless victim who loses their ability to relate to anyone in a healthy way even their God.

Abuse: A Biblical Response

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. 12 For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret.

The church in action

Abuse is demonic & evil, therefore evil must not be tolerated but amputated

present, active imperative

No part of abuse - participation, association, fellowship connection

we expose sin we never cover it up

Expose -convict - to put to shame - correct

We bring transparency & Light, never secrecy and darkness

Passivity is partnership, passivity is sin

Our response: We rescue & protect

The Dangers

Non response - minimizes or deny

Over reaction - Confronts the abuser only to have it taken out own the abused.

Lone Ranger/Rambo - Thinking we can fix the problem yourself

marriage counseling will fix it!

The Priority is safety, repairing marriage is separate issue. Abuser will exploit to blame the Abused.

Our response must be to place both Abuser and Abused in separate paths of discipleship. One of healing the other of repentance.

The priority

Protection over reputation (Jesus emptied himself and so must we)

Partnership instead of ignorance - Partner with counselors, civil authorities, those trained in helping the abused.

Gateway ministry - a partnership ministry to help those suffering.

The limitations (and complexity)

Abuse is always immoral and often illegal (but not always)

Legal issues are limited to the civil authorities (Law Enforcement,SS, DSS, CPS)

Our action (The priority is protection, how do we protect?)

Listen - Believe - Love -

1 Corinthians 13:7 ESV

7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Be an abiding comforting presence

Provide a safe space

We are not called to investigate, we partner w/ Civil authority.

False accusation run 3-9%

Help find an equipped counselor - resources are available - trained in abuse counseling

Help develop a Safety Plan (Help think everything through thoroughly to get them to a place of safety and give them back control that was taken away.)

Two important distinctions: Child abuse v/s domestic abuse

We are all mandatory reporters of any reasonable suspicion of abuse of a child (18 and younger) We call CPS - they investigate not us.

We listen, we believe, we love , we report, we get counseling

Domestic abuse the abused is given the choice of legal action

Why does most church avoid or ignore abuse?

Reputation

Most are afraid to be part of causing a divorce

A spouse who abuses destroys their marriage and only has themselves to blame.

They have broken cov with their spouse and their God.

Abusers stop being a Savior and start being a Predator to those they are called to love.

If abuse happens is divorce inevitable? Not necessarily

True Repentance is not a tearful I’m sorry or even remorse but a change of mind and behavior.

How long?

How long is the abuse been happening? it will take at this that long for the survivor to begin heal.

If divorce comes due to abuse who’s to blame? The Abuser

Another sign of abuse is that they always blameshift to the abused.

Ex: Church discipline - Someone is is long term unrepentant sin and though countless ways are tried they refuse to repent and so the church removes them from Cov. membership.

Who’s to blame? The pastor, the church, God? The sinner who refuses to follow Christ, who refuse to repent is to blame.

Stop allowing unbelievers to use Scripture when they do not know the God of Scripture nor desire to display God the Father, Christ the Good Shepherd nor Jesus the loving Bridegroom.

What about forgiveness?

Forgiveness does not mean access

The NT never teaches that forgiveness gives people access to those they have harmed.

Should a pedaphile be forgiven? Should we give them access to our kids?

Forgiveness comes through repentance and repentance is a turning from sin toward God.

Confession is agreeing with God's perspective on ones sin and asking him for a new heart and mind so that they loves as he loves and lives he lives.

We Listen, We Believe, We love, We get them counseling, We get the safe & if needed we bring civil authorities to bear

So What?

Will we answer the gospel call to recognize, respond and rescue those most vulnerable in our community for the glory of our Lord and Savior?

17 learn to do good;

seek justice,

correct oppression;

bring justice to the fatherless,

plead the widow’s cause. (Give a voice to the voiceless!)

Dietrich Bonhoeffer who as a German pastor preached the gospel and also sought to overthrow Hitler. Religious Critics said you should preach the gospel and leave the holocaust in God’s hands.

Bonhoeffer lived a life that believed that right belief must be matched with “responsible action” in the world in which he lived. Which mean in the face of evil we must enter into the suffering of the oppressed in order to rescue and protect. Bonhoeffer understood both God and the gospel and gave his life to display both.

Four Resolves:

I will rescue the vulnerable no matter what it cost me personally

I will love others as Christ loves me

I will earnestly seek to displaying God’s character in my life and relationships by providing a place of safety and growth for the most vulnerable.

I will refuse to partner with oppression and those who oppress

I will never cover up what God says to expose

How Can I respond?

Go to Caringwell.com

Pickup and read two booklets to help (bottom of your notes: Lobby or amazon

One women’s event to attend -26th - breakfast

Foster, Adoption, & Guardian Ad Litem - Abuse is here until Christ return but we must rescue, we must give a voice to the voiceless

Listen - Love - Believe

Give them you! and remember when the rescue happens, the hard work has just began.

Do not re-victimize survivors by forgetting them after the rescue happens.

Men: Did you pickup the - focus on husband more than wives?