Type 4 -- Enneagram
A Word on Love...
We begin our consideration of the nine types of the Enneagram with Type 4 — “THE ROMANTIC” or “THE INDIVIDUAlST”
When Healthy:
When Average:
Average Fours struggle daily with learning to accept themselves as they are. Such efforts are complicated as they seek their identity by exaggerating their uniqueness. These Fours are coy; they want you to want them but they play hard to get. Their melancholy often goes unchecked, causing painful distance between themselves and others. Average Fours are moody, melodramatic, needy and self-pitying.
Unhealthy Fours tend to be manipulative, playing the role of victim in order to create or maintain relationships. They find themselves lacking when compared to others, which only exacerbates their self-debasement. These Fours feel so much shame they are unable to connect to the very part of themselves that believes they can change and be better.
Fours feel something important is missing from their essential makeup.
They’re not sure what it is, whether it was taken from them or they had it long ago but lost it—only that the missing part is nowhere to be found and they’re to blame. The result is that they feel “different,” ashamed, uncertain about who they are and ill at ease in the world.
It’s no surprise that envy is the deadly sin of Fours. They envy the normalcy, happiness and sense of comfort with which others seem to move through life. They instantly spot who has a more interesting life, a happier family or childhood story, a better job, superior taste, a more privileged education, more distinguishing clothes or unrivaled artistic talent. This envy, coupled with their pervasive sense of “irredeemable deficiency,” launches Fours on a never-ending quest to find the missing piece without which they never feel at home in the world. Sadly, by fixating on what’s missing, Fours are blind to what’s present in their lives, namely the many wonderful qualities they already possess.
Three’s At Work
As you might imagine, many Fours gravitate toward careers in the arts. A disproportionate percentage of our most beloved actors, poets, novelists, musicians, dancers, painters and filmmakers are Fours on the Enneagram. But Fours don’t exclusively choose arts-related career paths. They can be anything from a chef to a yoga teacher to a worship pastor to a web designer. Because Fours are comfortable accompanying people on their journeys through painful times, they make great therapists, pastoral counselors and spiritual directors. They’ll thrive as long as their work affords them the opportunity to express their creativity, depth of feeling and distinct style.
If you want Fours to perform ordinary or routine tasks, forget it. First, they’ll feel it’s beneath their sensibilities. Fours will procrastinate if you ask them to tackle projects that involve too many details, like writing reports or fussing around with spreadsheets. If you meet a Four whose day job is waiting tables or driving a cab, chances are it’s a side gig to support their art or some other creative passion.
All their lives, Fours have felt different and separate from others. Is it any wonder they came to believe they could only recapture the love they yearn for by becoming unique and special? Their sense of identity has never been quite stable, as they’ve tried on one after another like suits looking for the right fit. Fours shouldn’t be angry with themselves, since everyone has peculiar, counterintuitive strategies for getting their needs met.
So first, Fours need to hear this loud and clear: there’s nothing missing. It may be hard to believe, but God didn’t ship them here with a vital part absent from their essential makeup. Fours arrived on life’s doorstep with the same equipment everyone else did. The kingdom is inside them too. Everything they need is here.
They must learn how to regulate and stabilize their emotions. It’s hard at first, but Fours must figure out how to observe and detach from their feelings rather than exaggerate them, wallow in them or act them out impulsively.
Fours shouldn’t worry about settling for having ordinary, medium-sized emotions. Regular feelings don’t make Fours any less special, and once they get their emotional house in order, balancing highs and lows, they’ll find they actually can form and hold on to relationships with others more easily. With prayer, meditation and self-knowledge, Fours’ need to be unique will mellow. For Fours an important healing message is “We see you. You’re beautiful. Don’t be ashamed.”
• Don’t be afraid to tell Fours when you feel pressure to be more than you can be or to handle more than your part.
• Fours need to be both unique and authentic. That will require some compromise at times. If you can be honest about how their style affects your life, the differences can be managed.
• Fours long for what they don’t have, and they are comfortable with longing. It’s not something for you to fix.
• It is very important that you tell Fours how their mood changes affect you.
• Don’t tell Fours to “cheer up.” They are usually neither sad nor depressed. Fours are comfortable with melancholy. But remember it’s okay for you to be lighthearted.
• If you can learn to model balance and stay present when they are caught in a cycle of moodiness, it will be a tremendous gift.
• Fours don’t like accusations (perhaps none of us do). Don’t accuse them of being too sensitive or of overreacting.
• Fours feel like they aren’t good enough or aren’t liked, and they need you to acknowledge their feelings. Affirm that the feeling is valid for them without affirming the premise it is based on. Remind them that you see them as someone more competent, valuable, and lovable than they are seeing themselves in the moment.
• In the workplace, set clear expectations, trust them to do their own work, give them creative freedom, and recognize their strengths and abilities.
• Don’t take the pull-push dynamic personally. Allow them room to process their feelings.
At this point, the achiever in David is on full alert… his image is untarnished… he doesn’t just have their votes, he has their hearts!
He has moved from “what do I get if I win” to “the aim of my heart, at my best, is to do as God has said the way God has said, and — in my rebellion — to repent as God has said in the way God has said.
His brothers hated this part of him… sold him into slavery.
Perhaps the most important passage in Joseph’s story about the maturing of his 4-ness:
27 Thus Israel settled in the land of Egypt, in the land of Goshen. And they gained possessions in it, and were fruitful and multiplied greatly. 28 And Jacob lived in the land of Egypt seventeen years. So the days of Jacob, the years of his life, were 147 years.