Letters to Me - 4

Letters To Me - 4

Introduction

Who is going to cry at your funeral? I know, kind of a morbid way to start. But stay with me for a few minutes. Imagine that day for a minute. You won’t be there to see it live, so imagine it now. It can be however you want it to be. What’s it look like? Who is going to be there? What stories will they share? Look around the room. What do you see?

Among the flowers and all the other decorations, you see a bunch of faces. Some of them have tears running down their cheeks. Who is going to cry at your funeral? It may surprise you to learn how few people will actually cry. A recent Newsweek article cited a study that said on average, only 10 people will actually cry at a funeral. And THE number 1 factor as to where someone will attend a graveside service is the weather. If it’s raining, 2/3 of those who planned to attend will skip. So it’s “iffy” if they’ll show up, even more so that they’ll cry.

Patrick Morley - “Why not prioritize everything we do on the basis of who’s going to be crying at our funeral? Why should you and I give ourselves to people who don’t love us at the expense of those who do?”

TS - We continue our series, “Letters to Me” as we walk through the OT book of Ecclesiastes. As we opened our study in this book a few weeks ago, we noted that Ecclesiastes is a book that has to be read with the end in mind.

- 13 That’s the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty.

This verse drives the entire book. If you don’t know how it ends, you won’t make it out of chapter one. This letter is so dark at times, people just quit reading it and put it down. That’s because they don’t see where the Teacher is taking them. You will not find meaning in this meaningless life apart from God. You must read it with the end in mind.

And by doing that, Ecclesiastes reminds us that we have to live life the same way…with the end in mind. We must live today in light of the last day. The end is coming for us all. We have to keep that in mind…and that’s not morbid. It’s wise. It’s actually supposed to be motivating, reminding us to keep things in perspective and in focus. Here is how Solomon puts it later on in Ecclesiastes:

- 2 Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties.After all, everyone dies—

    so the living should take this to heart.

3 Sorrow is better than laughter,

    for sadness has a refining influence on us.

4 A wise person thinks a lot about death,

    while a fool thinks only about having a good time.

It’s better, more wise, to think about reality, instead of living a fantasy. Funerals have a way of focusing our priorities that parties do not.

Francis Chan - “[We] make wiser decisions after our hearts spend time in the house of mourning. I tend to make good decisions at funerals and poor ones in restaurants. I have made wise financial decisions while surrounded by starving children, and poor decisions from the suburbs. We need to keep our hearts close to the house of mourning to avoid decisions we will regret. As difficult as it is, we need to be mindful of death. We must make decisions with our day of death in mind.”

The Bible absolutely agrees with that claim:

- 12 Teach us to realize the brevity of life,

    so that we may grow in wisdom.

- 13 Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” 14 How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. 15 What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.”

The Bible encourages us not to live under any illusion. We are not permanent. One day, you will be gone and people will eulogize you. So prepare for that day now. Live today in light of that day.

TS - so far in Ecclesiastes, our Teacher has done a good job of reminding us what is important, and what will not be important on that day. Our money won’t be important. Your family is not going to withdraw all the money from your accounts and line your coffin with it. They aren’t going to assemble all your diplomas or stack all the books you’ve read. Your education, pleasure, possessions…none of these will matter.

After telling us about many of these things Solomon turns a corner. He will now start talking about some of the things in life that do matter. He will talk about how to spend your time (next week). Since we are running out of it, how we spend it matters. And he will talk about relationships. When we die, the people we leave behind matter. Who will cry at your funeral?

If you were writing a letter to the younger version of yourself, isn’t this some of what you’d say? You are going to counsel yourself about the relationships with people you care about.

—that bully…what he says doesn’t matter.

—that relationship doesn’t last…don’t waste your time.

—spend more time with her because you will lose her too soon.

—don’t say those words in anger because you won’t get the chance to take them back.

—say “I’m sorry” more often.

—ask for forgiveness. Offer forgiveness.

It shouldn’t surprise us that Solomon will deal with relationships here. In a book about life’s meaning, we should expect him to speak into our relationships. Let’s see what wisdom he has there:

- 7 I observed yet another example of something meaningless under the sun. 8 This is the case of a man who is all alone, without a child or a brother, yet who works hard to gain as much wealth as he can. But then he asks himself, “Who am I working for? Why am I giving up so much pleasure now?” It is all so meaningless and depressing.

Tommy Nelson - “This is Ebenezer Scrooge. He works and works, comes home to a drafty house, counts his money, then goes to bed. And no one likes him. Solomon is giving us a picture of Scrooge. This guy has no friend, no son, no brother, no family—nobody that he loves. But there's still no end to his labor. His eyes are not satisfied with riches, and he never asks the question, Why am I depriving myself of pleasure? What's the evil we're looking at in verse 8? It's accumulating wealth at the expense of relationships. It's focusing more on things than on people. How many mothers and fathers have shortchanged their children for $ 10,000 or $ 20,000 extra a year? How many young consultants make great money but don't have any friends because they travel every week? How many “Scrooges” have accumulated huge nest eggs but no friends?”

Like everything else he’s talked about…it’s meaningless. And he adds “depressing” like icing on a cake. But…he’s not saying relationships are meaningless. Quite the opposite. Solomon says relationships are meaningful…life without relationships is meaningless.

Note that this is not talking only about marriage. While this can apply to marriage, it is talking about all relationships here…friends, siblings, parents, brothers. These people bring a certain level of meaning and significance to life. Good relationships help us live well.

Why is that? In a book where our Teacher speaks so negatively about so much, why is he so positive about relationships? The hint is back at the beginning of chapter 4:

- Again, I observed all the oppression that takes place under the sun. I saw the tears of the oppressed, with no one to comfort them. The oppressors have great power, and their victims are helpless. 2 So I concluded that the dead are better off than the living. 3 But most fortunate of all are those who are not yet born. For they have not seen all the evil that is done under the sun.

He reminds us that this world is full of pain, violence, and oppression. And he didn’t have the 24-hour news cycle like we do. He could easily see how difficult life was. And without someone to lean on, life can be tough. We need people around us to support us and help us. He is clear that the pain in this world is so bad that it might have been better to not even have been born. Job said the same thing as his life crumbled around him.

In light of all that pain, Solomon wonders why we would ever go through it all by ourselves. What would make us so arrogant to think that we could do it by ourselves? It is impossible to face life alone. So he comes back in chapter 4 to build on that truth.

- 9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

Notice the context in which he’s making these claims. Pain. Hardship. Difficulty in life. His point…you’re in real trouble if you’re alone. In the world of self-defense, we are told that situational awareness is your greatest weapon. Why? Because situational awareness will keep you from ending up in dangerous situations alone. You have a much lesser chance of being attacked if you are with someone else. Isolation can get you killed.

What our Teacher is telling us here is not that misery loves company, but that misery NEEDS company! We need people to support us, to help us. As God said in the beginning, it is not good for man to be alone.

The images that Solomon uses here speak to how essential relationships are for us. You fall and no one is there is help you up. You find yourself outside as you are traveling (much more common occurrence in their day that in ours). You’ll freeze by yourself. In a battle without help, you end up stabbed in the back.

Look at that last sentence in v. 12 - “Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Maybe you’ve heard that verse at a marriage ceremony before talking about husband/wife/God together. While that may be an application for that verse, it is not at all what Solomon is talking about. He’s talking about relationships. It’s good to have a friend, better to have two. Three is even better! The more relationships, the better.

And thus far, this is the ONLY thing Solomon has told us to get more of. The pursuit of more pleasure leads to dissatisfaction. More knowledge equals more frustration. Mo’ money, mo’ problems. But more relationships are great!

We need relationships. The Bible is clear. Solomon agrees. And today, study after study proves how essential they are to us. It’s part of what makes us human. Twins in utero begin interacting with each other at 14 weeks. At 18 weeks, almost 1/3 of all their movements are directed at each other. We socialize even in the womb.

The Alameda County Study by Harvard social scientist George Kaplan tracked the lives of 7,000 people over 9 years. Researchers found that the most isolated people were 3x more likely to die that those with strong relational connections. People who had bad health habits (smoking, alcohol abuse, obesity) but had strong social ties lived significantly longer than people who had great health habits but were isolated. John Ortberg concludes, “In other words, it is better to eat Twinkies with good friends than to eat broccoli alone.”

Summarizing what Solomon says here in chapter 4 about the importance of relationships in our search for meaning and happiness, David Gibson writes:

David Gibson - “If you can live in this world in such a way that the person or people beside you—your friend, your spouse, your children, your brother, your sister, the people God has put in your path—are your waking concern and your dominant focus, then you will find happiness. If your head hits the pillow at night full of questions about how you might help and serve someone else, and how you can be a certain kind of person for them, then you will find a gladness and contentment that nothing else can match.”

Relationships are important, critical. They are good for us. But as soon as we start talking about them, we are reminded of how difficult they can be. It’s people who can hurt us far worse than anything else. Relationships bring both pleasure and pain. They are essential but they are not easy. As we focus on this, let’s consider the porcupine [pic].

The North American Common Porcupine is a member of the rodent family that has around 30,000 quills attached to his body.  Each quill can be driven into an enemy, and the enemy’s body heat will cause the microscopic barb to expand and become firmly embedded.  The wounds can fester; the more dangerous ones, affecting vital organs, can be fatal. 

Porcupines have two methods for handling relationships: attack and withdrawal.  They either stick out their quills or head for a hole in the ground to get away.  They are generally solitary animals.  Wolves run in packs; sheep huddle in flocks, we speak of herds of elephants and gaggles of geese, and even a murder of crows.  But no special name for a group of porcupines.  They travel alone.

But they don’t always want to be alone.  In late autumn, a young porcupines thoughts turn to love.  But love turns into a risky business when you’re a porcupine. Females are only open to dinner and a movie once a year; the window of opportunity closes quickly.  And the female porcupines “no” is the most widely respected rejection in the animal kingdom.

So here is their dilemma: How do you get close without getting hurt? Isn’t that our same dilemma?  Everyone of us carries around our own little arsenal.  Our barbs have names like rejection, condemnation and envy; resentment, arrogance, selfishness and contempt. Yet, we too, want to get close.  We meet neighbors, go on dates, join churches, form friendships, get married, have children.  We try to figure out how to get close without getting hurt. We know what it is to attack.  Sticking in those little jabs knowing they will hurt.  And we know what it is to withdrawal.  Just stay distant, don’t get too close and you won’t get hurt.

But there is a better way, things don’t have to be that way. Miracle of miracles, relationship does happen—even for porcupines.  On rare occasions, one will share space with another, and they become friends.  They figure out how to be together at least long enough to make sure another generation will come along.  In an image to funny and cool to be made up, naturalist David Costello writes, “Males and females may remain together for some days before mating.  They may touch paws and even walk on their hind feet in the so-called ‘dance of the porcupines.’”

Only God could have thought up two porcupines salsa-dancing.  It turns out there really is an answer to the ancient question—how do you get close without getting hurt—you pull in your quills and learn to dance.

So isn’t it interesting then that when the NT talks about this family of Christians called The Church, it tells us that we have to pull in our quills. Good relationships don’t just happen, they require intentionality. A good percentage of the 1050 NT commands are relational.

- 2 Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. 3 Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.

While there is a risk to relationships, the united testimony of Scripture is that they are worth the risk. And while there may be a risk attached to relationship, the greater risk is being alone. It’s dangerous. As Solomon said, it’s depressing. Meaningless.

So let’s go back to where we started…who will cry at your funeral? Let’s look at it the other way first…who won’t be crying at your funeral?

—critics

—people whose approval you constantly seek but who never give it

—people who you think will make you feel important if you could just get them to notice you

—famous people you’ll never meet

—people in that little jury box of your mind whose opinion of you matters so much, but who aren’t even thinking about you because they’re wondering what others are thinking about them

Who will cry? Your spouse. Your children and their families. Your siblings. Your good friends. People you have genuinely helped and served. Friends, this day is coming. Here is the question: Am I giving my best to the people who will cry at my funeral? They matter. Those relationships are meaningful. Spend your days investing in relationships that last.

Relationships are hard. And the reality of death hangs over us, and stings as we are separated from those who matter so much. But restored, perfect relationships are part of the hope of the Gospel.

- 13 And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.

15 We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died. 16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, the believers who have died will rise from their graves. 17 Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever. 18 So encourage each other with these words.

Together with them! “We!” Our hope is in this. We will be united with Jesus for all eternity…and those who have gone before us. What a promise!

COMMUNION - corporate activity. Take together.