THE BOUNDARIES OF A HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT - PART 1

INTRODUCTION

In it says:

John 15:5 NASB95

“I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.

This verse talks about abiding or remaining in Christ; and when we do we will bear much fruit . . . but apart from Christ we can do nothing.

Last week we spoke of Israel and the process they went through to enter the promised land of Canaan. We saw the results and consequences to their decisions and after 40 years of wandering in the desert they finally were able to enter the promised land being led by the 2 individuals that believed in God’s ability to accomplish His plan through them. Joshua and Caleb entered the land and discovered that just because God said He was going to give it to them . . . it didn’t mean it would be a walk through the park! No! It wasn’t an easy task and they had to fight many battles and learn many lessons along the way to walking in the promises He had given them!

Much like this, we are given many promises by God through His Word for us to walk in also; but that doesn’t come easy either! We will have to make many decisions, fight many battles, and learn many lessons along the way to victory also. To do that, there are boundaries that need to be set up that will create a healthy environment for us to grow in. That is what I want to begin to lay out for you today . . . and will complete next week.

What I am about to talk about, I have had personal experience with. In 1987, when I made a decision to receive Christ as Lord and Savior, I was serving in the USAF in Cheyenne Wyoming at F.E. Warren AFB. When I received Christ I realized that if I was going to grow like God wanted me to I was going to have to step away from some of the relationships that I was involved in. I loved my family and friends, and they loved me, but they could not understand why I was pulling away from my relationships with them, but when I left my time with them, many times I felt defeated and depleted because of words that were said, and disapproving comments of the changes that God was encouraging me to make as I followed Him. It was a very painful choice that I needed and did make, but it was vital for me to do so.

So, as I share these things for the next couple of weeks . . . I have walked through these steps in my own life so that God could and would continue to bring about victory in my life. Let’s get started . . .

MESSAGE

1. BOUNDARY #1: THE LAW OF SOWING & REAPING

When we think about the law of sowing & reaping, we might reflect back on a basic law of life that is called “the law of cause and effect”. says:

Galatians 6:7–8 NIV84

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

God, speaking through Paul, is telling us here how things really are.

Just think about some of the natural consequences of things in our lives. If you put your bare hand on a hot burner you are going to get burned. If you don’t shovel the snow on your sidewalk it will probably turn to ice and you will slip and fall and possibly get hurt. If you smoke cigarettes, there is a good chance that you will end up with smoker’s hack and possibly lung cancer. If you drink and drive, the chances of you being charged with some violation or being in an accident are very high . . . along with many other consequences. On the other hand, if we work hard and budget wisely, we will have what is needed to pay our bills and buy what is needed.

But, sometimes people people don’t reap what they sow because they have someone step in and reap the consequences for them. Just think, If every time you overspent, you had someone write a check to cover you, you would never have the overdrafts and the court dates. People with no boundaries often interrupt the law of sowing and reaping and rescue irresponsible people. This enables irresponsible behavior. On another note, confronting someone like this is not encouraged in the Bible because it says in . . .

Proverbs 9:8 NIV84

Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you.

Setting boundaries in our life forces the person who is doing the sowing to also do the reaping.

2. BOUNDARY #2: THE LAW OF RESPONSIBILITY

Let me ask you a question? “Who are you responsible for”? Setting boundaries helps to identify these things. Many will say when we begin to set boundaries that we are being self-centered and that we as Christians should love one another and deny ourselves. But, the law of responsibility actually helps us to love others as we should. It tells us in . . .

Galatians 5:13–14 NIV84

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

and in it says . . .

John 15:12 NIV84

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

Love is huge; and as Henry Cloud says in his book on Boundaries . . . “anytime you are not loving others, you are not taking full responsibility for yourself; you have disowned your heart.”

I can’t do for you what only you can do for yourself . . . in other words . . .” I can’t feel your feelings for you. I can’t think for you. I can’t behave for you. I can’t work through the disappointment that limits bring for you. I can’t grow for you . . . and you can’t grow for me. says it . . .

Philippians 2:12–13 NIV84

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

You are responsible for you and I am responsible for me! In addition to this we are also “to treat others the way we would want to be treated.” If one of us was down and out and going through a hard time we would certainly want help in whatever manner was needed.

On top of that . . “another aspect of being responsible “to” is not only in the giving but in the setting of limits on another’s destructive and irresponsible behavior.” We should not rescue someone from the consequences of their sin because we will end up doing it over and over again. (, )

There is a strong principal throughout the Bible about giving to needs and putting limits on sin and boundaries help us do that very thing.

3. BOUNDARY #3: THE LAW OF POWER

Question: “Am I powerless over my behavior?” “What do I have the power to do?” We have all heard about the 12 steps and we know that both the Bible and the 12 step program teaches us that we must admit that we are moral failures. The book of Romans teaches us a great about this. In , , we read . . .

Romans 7:15–23 NIV84

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.

We are reminded by Paul that we don’t have the power in and of ourselves to overcome these patterns, we do have the power to do things that will bring some fruits of victory . . . such as:

1. We have the power to agree with the truth about our problems.

This is called confession; and to confess means to agree with. We all have the ability to identify with areas in our life and say “that is me.”

2. We have the power to submit our inability to God.

We always have the ability and the power to ask for help and yield ourselves. We have the ability to humble ourselves and turn our lives over to Jesus. The scriptures give us great truth and encouragement. In it tells us . . .

1 John 1:9 NIV84

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

James 4:7–10 NIV84

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Matthew 5:3 NIV84

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 5:6 NIV84

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

So, we confess, we believe, and we ask for help.

3. We have the power to search and ask God and others to reveal more and more about what is within our boundaries.

4. We have the power to turn from the evil that we find within us.

Repentance! Turn around . . . a 180 degree change.

5. We have the power to humble ourselves and ask God and others to help us with our developmental injuries and leftover childhood needs.

Many of our problems come from being empty inside and we need to seek God and others to help us.

6. We have the power to seek out those whom we have injured and make amends.

This is an important step as we are becoming responsible for ourselves, our sin, and responsible to those that we have hurt. says . . .

Matthew 5:23–24 NIV84

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

We also need to remember that our boundaries help to identify what we are not responsible for, or what we do not have power over . . . and that is everything outside of them.

We cannot change others! But we can influence others! That means that we need to change ourselves so that destructive life patterns will no longer work on us.

4. BOUNDARY #4: THE LAW OF RESPECT

There is one word that comes up over and over again when people describe their problems with boundaries. The word “they.”

But “they” won’t accept me if I say “no”

But “they” will get angry if I set limits.

But “they” won’t speak to me for a week if I tell them how I really feel.”

When we feel that others will not respect our boundaries we end up focusing on others and lose clarity about ourselves.

We judge the boundary decisions of others, thinking that we know best how they “ought” to give, and usually that means “they ought to give to me the way I want them to!” But, remember what the scriptures say . . In

Matthew 7:1–2 NIV84

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

This is where the law of respect comes into play. In it says . . .

Matthew 7:12 NIV84

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

We need to respect the boundaries of others. We actually need to LOVE the boundaries of others in order to command respect for our own. We need to treat their boundaries the way we want them to treat ours.

If we love and respect people who tell us no, they will love and respect our no.

Bottom Line! Our real concern with others should not be “Are they doing what I would do or what I want them to do?” but “Are they really making a free choice?”

Last, for this week, but not least . . .

5. BOUNDARY #5: THE LAW OF MOTIVATION

The book of James talks about motives in chapter 4:3; and even though James approaches motives from a different angle, they are still of vital importance.

James 4:3 NIV84

When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

The whole point with the law of motivation is that “we are called into freedom, and this freedom results in gratitude, an overflowing heart, and love for others. The Law of Motivation says this: Freedom first, service second. Here are some false motives that keep us from setting boundaries:

1. Fear of loss of love, or abandonment.

Giving to get love. When they don’t get it they feel abandoned.

2. Fear of other’s anger.

Because of old hurts and poor boundaries, some people can’t stand for anyone to be mad at them.

3. Fear of loneliness.

Some people give in to others because they feel that that will “win” love and end their loneliness.

4. Fear of losing the “good me” inside.

We are made to love. As a result, when we are not loving, we are in pain. Many cannot say, “I love you and I do not want to do that.” They think that to love means to always say yes.

5. Guilt.

Many people’s giving is motivated by guilt. When they say no, they feel bad.

6. Payback.

Many people have received things with guilt messages attached. Example: I’ve never had it as good as you.”

7. Approval.

Many feel as if they are still children seeking a parental approval . . . so when someone wants something from the, they need to give so that this symbolic parent will be “well pleased.”

8. Overidentification with the other’s loss.

Many times people have not dealt with all their own disappointments and losses, so whenever they deprive someone else with a “NO”, they “feel” the other person’s sadness to the nth degree. They can’t stand to hurt someone that badly, so they comply.

CONCLUSION