Marriage Do's and Don't
Potential problems
Jesus declared, ‘In this world you will have trouble’. He voiced this sophisticated understanding of the nature of humankind both within society at large and within the husband-wife relationship. He warned his followers that this world is not an easy place in which to live. He was quick to bring into focus a realistic look at human nature, outlining the implications for us today caused by the sinful rebellion of Adam and Eve.
Fascinating, isn’t it, to discover that Jesus did not couple a pessimistic spirit with his realistic understanding of life. Instead, he called his followers to hope, saying, ‘But take courage. I have overcome the world’.
3 Basic forms of ADJUSTMENTS
Word one: Triangle
You and I have to face the fact that a healthy marriage is a triangle affair. It involves a husband and wife and a third party. That party is Jesus Christ. As you and I are able to bow our knees to him, allowing him to be part of our relationship, we are much more able to find a healthy oneness with our marriage partner. You need to open your life to Jesus Christ, admitting to him that you are a sinner. Let him know the mistakes you’ve made in your marriage. Don’t worry, he already knows them. But if you just restate them, you will find a release. Ask him to forgive you and then daily spend some time with him alone. The worst days of my marriage are those days when I have not spent any time alone with God. Let your Bible become an open book. Ask the Holy Spirit to convict you of sin, pointing out where you are wrong. Ask the Lord for his help, his strength. He wants you to succeed. He wants your marriage to be a happy experience. Let the symmetry of the two of you kneeling at the altar in humble worship of the God of the universe whose name is Jesus Christ be the defining symbol of your marriage.
Word two: Commitment
Remember that marriage is meant to be permanent. Remind yourself periodically of your marriage vows, which go something like this: ‘I take you to be my wedded partner and I do promise and covenant before God and these witnesses to be your loving and faithful partner, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live.’
Is there any greater, all-encompassing promise a person could make? If you take your marriage vows seriously, you are saying that no matter what you do to me or no matter what life throws at us, I will be faithful to you until the day one of us dies. That covers the ups and downs of marital life. It handles the emotional upsets. It guards the two of you in the days of physical sickness. It protects you against being discarded by your partner when he discovers someone a bit prettier or more interesting. It protects your partner against being discarded by you when she’s not at her best. Many a man will cheat at marriage who wouldn’t consider breaking his word in business. A contract is a contract. Your honor is pretty important. Frankly, it’s worth keeping the covenant even when you don’t feel like it. And there are times when the best of people don’t feel like it.
Word three: Communication
Nothing puts a couple more at ease than to know that they are communicating. Even differences of opinion can be joyously expressed when there is an honest, non-hostile grappling with diversity. Some of the greatest times in our marriage are when Anne and I, discovering that we have allowed daily events to push us apart, sit down and talk. We air our differences. We ask the Lord to forgive us. We wrestle creatively with how we can improve our marriage. We plan together. We laugh together. We cry together. We pray together. That’s communication. At times it gets painful. Painful because it involves honesty. Honesty is basic to communication.
Word four: Humor
A sense of humor is essential to a creative marriage. When I say humor, I mean the capacity to laugh at yourself, not at your partner. I find this quality indispensable to all my activities of life. If I have one besetting sin it is of taking myself too seriously. This is, in effect, another way of spelling pride!
If you can laugh at yourself, you may be able to tolerate a chuckle or two from your partner, as together, with the Lord’s help, you develop a relationship for the future.
I would be the last to pretend that marriage is easy. But I would be the first to challenge you to take a realistic look at marriage in all of its complexities. Find the forgiveness of the Lord and his fresh beginning and the mutual forgiveness between you and your partner. If necessary, get the help of a gifted professional to work through the issues and complexities of your relationship, making it into what will never be a perfect marriage but can be a much healthier marriage. And if your partner won’t get help, seek help yourself to work through your issues in a way that at least you have made some personal growth and contributed to the potential healing of the relationship.
Almost four decades of marriage has convinced me of two basic facts of life.
Fact of life one: Neither you nor I can have a perfect marriage.
Fact of life two: Neither you nor I would really want one.
The whole idea is sort of crazy that two people can fall in love and live happily ever after. How boring! The fact is that we are human. We are different. We are all sinners, having fallen short of what God dreams for us to be. The glorious reality is that God redeems us by his grace and energizes us by his Holy Spirit to live creatively together, acknowledging our imperfections and rejoicing in our gifts. We have the privilege of changing what we can change in ourselves in order to make a more positive contribution to family living. And we also have the sacred opportunity to accept our spouse and children the way they are, giving them the same gift of understanding that they will hopefully share with us. No, you can’t have a perfect marriage—and you wouldn’t want one. There are no perfect marriages. But you can have a healthy marriage!
SILLY MYTHS
It goes like this. Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. And they live happily ever after. This myth says that if you marry the right person you will have a wonderful life together. Your problems will be minimal. Yours will be a storybook love affair.
These kinds of marriages are peopled by handsome men and beautiful women who have darling little children. These people live in lovely homes. They have substantial incomes. They are successful in their work. They are physically agile and enjoy sports. There is plenty of money to do all the things that happily married couples do. Harsh words are never spoken. Disagreements are few and far between. If both are Christians, God will see to it that nothing will happen to this family.
What is marriage intended to be?
It is designed to be a relationship of two different, complementary, growing persons who understand their own limitations and those of their partner and yet are willing to commit to each other and submit to each other as equals till death doth part.
Let’s look at three dimensions to this definition I’ve given for marriage.
One: Marriage is designed to move beyond romance to relationship.
It involves companionship. It involves more than two persons who are all too eager to mutually ‘rip off’ each other. These two are equal, created in the very image of God. They are designed for friendship.
We see this so beautifully articulated for us in Genesis 1:27–28.
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.
God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.’
In Genesis 2:18 God says, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ Isn’t that a marvelous picture? Every one of us needs a friend. One of the best kinds of friends is a member of the opposite sex. No, that is not the only kind of friendship. Your husband or your wife isn’t to be your only friend. However, your husband or your wife can be your best friend. In some marriages, this happens naturally. For the majority of us, it takes work.
59 FORGIVE; IT’S MARRIAGE’S BALM FOR HEALING HURTS
Why is it so difficult to forgive our spouses? Here are some of the excuses I have heard:
He should have known better than to do that and should never have done that.
He really won’t accept my forgiveness.
I don’t want to forgive right away. I want for him to feel guilty for a while and pay for what he’s done.
I have the right to feel angry and hurt for a while.
I don’t have to forgive until he repents.
I’ve already had to forgive him for this too many times before.
Forgiving him now lets him off the hook too soon. It’s just cheap grace.
No matter how justified the excuse may seem, the truth is that all these excuses are prideful disobedience.
Not forgiving another person carries serious consequences. Christ commands us to forgive. Holding on to unforgiveness seriously damages your relationship with God as well as with your spouse (Matt. 6:14–15).
Try this: As soon as you feel hurt, offended or angry, forgive your spouse immediately. Share your feelings and speak the truth in love.
Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.
Matt. 18:22–23