THE BOUNDARIES OF A HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT - PART 2

INTRODUCTION

In it says:

John 15:5 NIV84

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

As we spoke last week about in Part 1 of “THE BOUNDARIES OF A HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT” I referenced this verse because it talks about abiding or remaining in Christ. Boundaries in our lives helps us to remain and abide in Christ because if we have healthy boundaries set up and we are keeping those boundaries we will not be pushed outside of them . . . we will be steadfast in respecting ourselves and others . . . and loving ourselves and others as well.

This week I want to continue in our series with Part 2 and give you a few more boundaries for our lives.

MESSAGE

1. BOUNDARY #6: THE LAW OF EVALUATION

IN SHORT: In the Law of Evaluation “you need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person”. But, that does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger.

In Jesus says . . .

Matthew 7:13–14 NIV84

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

From this verse we learn that there is a narrow gate and a wide gate. We learn that the narrow gate and the narrow road leads to life. We also learn that the wide gate and the wide road lead to destruction. We also learn that few find the narrow gate but many enter through the wide gate. Notice the difference between the description of the two. One is found and the other is entered. There are those that are very purposeful about finding that narrow gate and when they find it, it leads to a life of good fruit. But, there are those that are just going blindly through life not searching to find but just wandering. When we wander, the wide gate and wide road is followed and it always leads to the same thing . . . DESTRUCTION!

We need to evaluate the pain caused by our making choices and empathize with it.

Example: CRASH

Let’s use an example from childhood that we will all be able to relate to. I want to use the example of a child crossing the street properly and not just running (or even walking) across wherever and whenever he/she wants to.

We all know that a child wants to do what a child wants to do. They aren’t always (if ever) thinking about any/all of the consequences.

So, we are going to call the child’s name CRASH! So, I notice as approaching an intersection that my son CRASH wants to run ahead of me into an intersection and I tell him NO, you need to stay with me. I don’t need to give him a reason at this point in his young life because he’s not able to reason my explanation any way. When I tell CRASH NO! He immediately throws a fit because I’m not letting him do what he wants to do. CRASH is angry! It’s no real surprise to me that he is hurt and angry because I’m laying a boundary . . . even though it’s for CRASH’s safety so that he is not harmed . . . he is still hurt and angry. Now, in this situation I have considered CRASH’s feelings (so I’m not be insensitive to him) knowing that I might hurt CRASH by telling him NO, but he will not be harmed by my hurting him.

This is the difference! We need to consider people and their feelings, but that doesn’t mean that we still don’t set boundaries so that they are not harmed.

Another Example: THE FAMILY!

One of the things that we as a growing and expanding family have become very familiar with is that we will not always be together every holiday. It’s not like we were before all of our children grew up. Now, they are growing up and moving away, going to college and making new friends, getting married, and so on. Our big family has grown bigger! And, as it has grown bigger we have learned the lesson that we taught our children over and over about sharing. Now, the lesson!

Say, one of our children, and I will pick on Rebekah today since she is here . . . decides that this Christmas she wants to go on a ski trip with a bunch of her newly made college friends instead of coming home to be with the family. Now, a little perspective behind what is coming! As you know, we have six children, of which five are now married to wonderful spouses, and some have children. We don’t always get to see them on holidays like we used to . . . and Rebekah is the only left that we might (oh, not might, but definitely count on to be home for Christmas). So, when she tells Kaylene and I that she has decided not to be home with us, and whomever we might get to be with, for Christmas because of ski trip . . . we might be a little disappointed and hurt! It would probably be a decision that we wouldn’t like! But, does that mean she shouldn’t do it — NO! She has grown into a young lady that is making decisions and setting boundaries for her own life and if she decides to do that, then she should. You see, in this . . . we may be sad, hurt and disappointed but we were not harmed. And, being that we were not harmed, Rebekah should go on with her plans.

Rebekah has considered that this might happen, but her response goes something like this . . . “Mom & Dad, I’m sad that we won’t be together for Christmas too! But, I’m looking forward to the rest of my Christmas break with you because I don’t have to be back to school until the beginning of January sometime.”

And, if we respect Rebekah and her freedom to make her choices we might answer something like this . . . “Rebekah, we are disappointed, and yes even a little hurt that you are not going to be here for Christmas, but we will hope and pray that you have a great time with your friends. We look forward to the time we get to have with you afterwards.”

You see, in this we are honest and own our disappointment and even our hurt but we are respecting Rebekah’s decisions on how she is spending her time.

We cause pain by making choices that others do not like, but we also cause pain by confronting people when they are wrong. But if we do not share our anger with another, bitterness and hatred can set in.

In it says . . .

Ephesians 4:25 NIV84

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

We need to speak to each other with honesty about how we are hurt. As iron sharpens iron, we need confrontation and truth from others to grow . . . because Admonition from a friend/loved on, while it can hurt, it can also help!

2. BOUNDARY #7: THE LAW OF PROACTIVITY

IN SHORT: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Wrath and sinful passions are a direct reaction to the severity of the law . . .Paul says in . . .

Romans 4:15 NIV84

because law brings wrath. And where there is no law there is no transgression.

Romans 5:20 NIV84

The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more,

Romans 7:5 NIV84

For when we were controlled by the sinful nature, the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in our bodies, so that we bore fruit for death.

Ephesians 6:4 NIV84

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Eph

Colossians 3:21 NIV84

Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

Many of us have known people who, after years of being passive and compliant, suddenly go ballistic, and we wonder what happened. WE BLAME . . .

But, in reality their pent up stuff explodes!

Now, reaction is helpful and necessary for those who have been victims, and in many situations we would rejoice because they have freed themselves from their captivity (from forced physical & sexual abuse, emotional blackmail and manipulation).

But, when is enough enough? We can all remember the phases, no matter how short lived, of our infant children throwing food at us as they are learning to eat without being fed by us. But, it would be a little much if they were still doing that in there 40’s & 50’s!

We as growing and maturing people must learn to react to things so that we find our own boundaries, but Paul reminds us in not to use them to satisfy our flesh.

Galatians 5:13–15 NIV84

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

Reacting to certain things is a natural process that must come to a growing, maturing, and reconnecting with those around us. This in itself is the beginning of the Law of Proactivity. Being proactive instead of being reactive in our boundary setting.

1) Proactive people show you what they love, want, purpose, and what they stand for.

This is much different from the opposite when people show what they hate, don’t want/like, stand against, and what they will not do.

2) Proactive people live their rights.

Reactive people are known by their “against” stances and they demand rights!

“Power is not something you demand or deserve; it is something you express. the ultimate expression of power is love; it is the ability not to express power, but to restrain it. Proactive people are able to “love others as themselves.” They have mutual respect. They are able to “die to self” and not “return evil for evil.” They have gotten past the reactive stance of the law and are able to love and not react.”

Matthew 5:38–39 NIV84

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

Jesus describes the difference between a reactive person and a person who is free from the law.

“Do not try to get to freedom without owning your reactive period and feelings. You do not need to act this out, but you do need to express the feelings. You need to practice and gain assertiveness. You need to get far enough away from abusive people to be able to fence your property against further invasion. And then you need to own the treasures you find in your soul.”

Then, then “. . . do not stay there. Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than ‘finding yourself.’ A reactive state is a state, not an identity. It is necessary but not sufficient.”

Example: THE ABUSIVE PERSON

To get free the abused person needs to be able to enter a “safe” place to be able to begin to own their feelings and express these feelings. The abused person needs to be able to create those boundaries needed and practice them so that they can be assertive in keeping them. The abused person needs to be able to see the God-given treasures that have been buried in them by all of the abuse.

So, we will call our abused person COMPLIANCE! She has been emotionally and physically abused by her husband for years. He is a very controlling, jealous person who presses to know every move COMPLIANCE makes in and out of the house, what she spends, who she talks to, where she lives, who she sees, and that is just the start! COMPLIANCE is afraid for her physical well being of making her husband angry because she will reap the consequences emotionally and physically of ever stepping out of line. Because of these circumstances, her only way out is to draw a temporary, but literal boundary geographically to separate herself from the imminent repercussions of her abusive husband.

As COMPLIANCE takes the steps and sets this temporary boundary she realizes that due to her decision to set this boundary she has a freedom not experienced before. Even though there is still fear and anxiety from his past reactions and abusive behavior, COMPLIANCE is in a “safe” place free from his emotional and physical lashings.

With help, COMPLIANCE begins to work on her feelings. She begins to be able to express those feelings, and the violations, and the hurt that has traumatized her for years. Through guidance she begins to understand that is not normal and healthy for her or for him, she already knew this, but now she is able to literally express it with her words and emotions. COMPLIANCE begins to be able to verbalize her feelings, which she has never been able to do before without hostile and even violent retort from her husband. She is learning to become more proactive and assertive in laying down personal boundaries.

Finally, the day comes when she realizes what a special, kind, and generous person she is. COMPLIANCE had never realized how much she loved and cared for people. She never had the opportunity to really express who she was because she was always so focused on the selfish, controlling, and demanding wants of her husband . . . she wasn’t able to even know who she was/is. Now, she is experiencing such joy in discovering who she is . . . and even thinking about what a special woman and wife she is and can be.

Time passes as she continues to work on her boundaries and her assertiveness. COMPLIANCE begins to be able to express and live what she loves and wants . . . she begins to understand more of her purpose and what she stands for and lives for. COMPLIANCE knows the time has come to try and meet with her husband in a safe place to begin the process of being assertive with him . . . to express all that she has worked through . . . to lay down those boundaries that will not only help her but him if he will only respect her.

3. BOUNDARY #8: THE LAW OF ENVY

James 4:2 NIV84

You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.

The envious heart is spoken of strongly in and speaking of emotions, it is probably the foundation of them all. It is in direct result of the fall . . . it was Satan’s sin as we see in .

Isaiah 14:14 NIV84

I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.”

Here in Isaiah we see how that Satan envied God . . . and then later we know that he tempted Adam and Eve with the same idea . . . tempting them that they could be like God in

Genesis 3:4–5 NIV84

“You will not surely die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

Genesis 3:4 NIV84

“You will not surely die,” the serpent said to the woman.

Satan, Adam, and Eve, were not satisfied! With who they were, nor with who they could become with God’s help. Just like they wanted what they could not have and it destroyed them.

Envy defines “good” as “what I do not possess,” and hates the good that it has. How many times have you heard someone subtly put down the accomplishments of others, somehow robbing them of the goodness they had attained? We all have envious parts to our personalities but what is so destructive about this particular sin is that it guarantees that we will not get what we want and keeps us perpetually insatiable and dissatisfied. This doesn’t mean that it is wrong to want things that we do not have. Think about it . . .

Psalm 37:4 NIV84

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

So, how does this Law of Envy have anything to do with our boundaries?

The problem with envy is that it focuses outside of our boundaries and onto others. It takes us outside of ourselves and focuses our energies and attention on what others have and what they have accomplished. What does the scripture say about this? How does this affect us with taking care of our responsibilities?

Galatians 6:4 NIV84

Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else,

Envy does not quit! It is has no stopping point! It is like the author of Ecclesiastes says . . . “It’s like chasing after the wind”, and it leaves the envious person empty and unfulfilled and doing what speaks of.

The answer is that we need to take this time and energy and spend it on taking responsibility for ourselves and what God wants for our lives . . . and taking action is the only way out of this dreadful cycle. “You have not because you ask not.” We also know that “we have not because we work not!” LOL!

Accomplishments and possessions are not the only things that we envy because we can also envy a person’s character and personality instead of becoming what God has called us to be and what He has given us. Think about . . .

Romans 12:6 NIV84

We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith.

Think about some of these situations:

A lonely man stays isolated and envious of the close relationships others have.

A Single woman withdraws from social life, envying the marriages and families of her friends.

A middle-aged woman feels stuck in her career and wants to pursue something she would enjoy, yet she always has a “yes, but . . . “ reason why she can’t, resenting and envying those who have “gone for it.”

A man chooses the righteous life but envies and resents those who seem to be “having all the fun.”

Remember . . .

Galatians 6:4 NIV84

Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else,

Each one of these examples are not testing there own actions. Now what about these examples.

A lonely man owns his lack of relationships and asks himself and God, I wonder why I always withdraw from people. I can at least go and talk to a counselor about this. Even if I am afraid of social situations, I could seek some help. No one should live this way. I’ll make the call.

The single woman asks, I wonder why I never get asked out and why I keep getting turned down for dates. What is wrong about what I am doing or how I’m communicating or where I’m going to meet people? How could I become a more interesting person? Maybe I could join a therapy group to find out why or could use a dating site to find people with interests similar to mine.

The middle-aged woman asks herself, Why am I reluctant to pursue my interests? Why do I feel selfish when I want to quit my job to do something I enjoy? What am I afraid of? If I were really honest, I would notice that the ones who are doing what they like have had to take some risks and sometimes work and go to school to change jobs. That may just be more than I am willing to do.

The righteous man asks himself, If I am really “choosing” to love and serve God, why do I feel like a slave? What is wrong with my spiritual life? What is it about me that envies someone living in the gutter?

These people are testing there own actions and thoughts. They are questioning themselves instead of envying others.

Our envy should always be a sign that we are lacking something . . . and that should lead us to asking God what it is that we are missing. Ask God to show you what it is that we need to do . . . whether something specific so He can give it to us or maybe it is something we are not supposed to have and we can let go of it. Either way, let’s not “chase after the wind!”

CONCLUSION

NEXT WEEK!

4. BOUNDARY #9: THE LAW OF ACTIVITY

5. BOUNDARY #10: THE LAW OF EXPOSURE

CONCLUSION