Getting Along by Reconciling Conflict
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God recognizes the reality of conflict.
17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
The Damage of Un-Reconciled Conflict
The Damage of Un-Reconciled Conflict
It blocks your fellowship with God.
It blocks your fellowship with God.
You can’t have fellowship with God and be at odds with other people.
20 If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see?
It prevents answered prayer
It prevents answered prayer
Husbands if you don’t treat your wife right, forget about answered prayer.
7 In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
It hinders your happiness
It hinders your happiness
4 You are only hurting yourself with your anger. Will the earth be deserted because you are angry? Will God move mountains to satisfy you?
7 Biblical Steps to Reconciling Conflict
7 Biblical Steps to Reconciling Conflict
1. Take the Initiative
1. Take the Initiative
Conflict is seldom resolved by accident. Time does not heal all wounds.
Conflict must be intentionally dealt with.
Write:
The only way to reconcile conflict is to face it.
The only way to reconcile conflict is to face it.
The first thing you will deal with in this process is… your Fear
1st thing you must deal with is your fear
1st thing you must deal with is your fear
If you are scared, you are in good company with the rest of us…
Fear is as old as Adam and Eve...
10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”
The fear of being exposed or being vulnerable does 3 things to us…
Defensive - afraid to reveal our real selves
distant - withdraw and hide our true feelings
demanding - try to control things… have the last word.
Fear keeps us from connecting at a deep level
Fear keeps us from connecting at a deep level
We fear rejection, being misunderstood,
There was a book I read years ago, Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?
Where do we find the courage to reconcile? Holy Spirit!
7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
Perfect love gets rid of fear… God is love so ask God for help. Talk to Him before you talk to anyone else.
2nd thing you deal with is timing
2nd thing you deal with is timing
We think OK, when they come to me, then I’ll reconcile. Listen, God expects you to take the initiative. Take the first step.
23 “So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, 24 leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.
How many of you like to worship? BTW, Wed was awesome. We had people sitting in the Hallway and everyone was letting it go in worship. God says to go reconcile before you worship. ever fight in the car on the way to church???
Jesus is saying, don’t ignore it… take care of it. It doesn’t matter if you are offended or you are the offender. We are to take the initiative.
When - right now… ASAP… Don’t delay because it only makes it harder.
3rd Plan a sit down meeting - Face the Issues -
3rd Plan a sit down meeting - Face the Issues -
Choose the right time! timing is everything. Do this when both people are at their best.
NEVER DROP THE BOMB IN BED BEFORE GOING TO SLEEP
You may be ready to share… are they ready to receive?
Right Place - where you will be uninterrupted.
Pray before the meeting.
Come with a positive attitude. Be ready to reconcile and compromise...
Why should I take the initiative?
Why should I take the initiative?
Jesus tells you to. Worship is worthless until you do.
Think about someone whom you need to reconcile with… Ask God to give you the courage.
Once you get together,
2. Confess your part of the conflict
2. Confess your part of the conflict
Instead of accusing… blaming … Begin with humility. even if it’s 90% their fault, confess the 10% that’s yours.
Everyone has blind spots… no one is perfect.
3 “Why do you notice the little piece of dust in your friend’s eye, but you don’t notice the big piece of wood in your own eye?
Am I being unrealistic? insensitive? oversensitive? Ungrateful? too demanding?
#1 excuse for divorce - We are not compatible… That’s a myth. Anyone can live life together if they grow up.
FACT - Our nature is to be self centered and stubborn… unwilling to change. More relationships die from inflexibility than anything else.
Bible says - Before honor is humility. Are you stuck?
Here is a wall breaker - say… I am sorry, I was only thinking about myself.
3. Listen for the Hurt
3. Listen for the Hurt
Hurting people hurt people...
When people feel threatened, fearful or robbed of their dignity, they become angry and often lash out.
If you want to connect with people, you must start with their needs, not yours.
19 Remember this, my dear brothers and sisters! Everyone must be quick to listen, but slow to speak and slow to become angry.
2 ears - 1 mouth for a reason… We are in too big of a hurry to be heard and not a big enough hury to listen and understand.
Here is a key to defusing conflict:
Understand where people are coming from
Understand where people are coming from
Understand their circumstances… background… temperment
This verse and these 7 steps I am giving you will save you thousands in counseling…
Two areas we need to be considerate:
1 Even if we believe that it makes no difference to the Lord whether we do these things, still we cannot just go ahead and do them to please ourselves; for we must bear the “burden” of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others—of those who feel these things are wrong. Let’s please the other fellow, not ourselves, and do what is for his good and thus build him up in the Lord.
4. Consider their perspective
4. Consider their perspective
Don’t just look at the situation from your viewpoint. Intentially switch your focus from your needs to their needs… Try to get and understand their perspective.
4 Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. 5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
Old proverb - Seek to understand before being understood.
Pay attention. You are like Jesus when you pay attention.
3 You notice everything I do and everywhere I go.
5. Tell the truth tactfully
5. Tell the truth tactfully
Never use the truth as a club to hurt people. Always - speak the truth in love.
People change faster and easier when the truth is wrapped in love...
Truth without love is resisted. with love it is received.
18 The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
reckless words hurt… wise words bring healing. It’s your choice.
You never get your point across being cross. Never persuasive by being abrasive!
29 Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.
We have to learn to attack issues without attacking each other. Establish ground rules for fighting fair… the goal is not to win but to reconcile.
6. Fix the problem, not the blame
6. Fix the problem, not the blame
example of how blaming doesn’t work - look at our political situation…
example - even during the cold war, enemies agreed on weapons that would not be used: WMDs.
We have to agree to eliminate the WMD’s in conflict.
God is specific about what is out of bounds for us.
8 But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.
angry rage - don’t try to intimidate with anger and threats...
malice - saying things that intentionally hurt, wound and destroy others…
slander - insults, belittling… labeling…
Blaming - blaming is a for of judging.
13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.
7. Focus on reconciliation, not resolution.
7. Focus on reconciliation, not resolution.
Big difference -
Reconciliation - to re-establish the relationship
Reconciliation - to re-establish the relationship
Reconciliation focuses on re-establishing the relationship.
Resolution - to resolve every issue
Resolution - to resolve every issue
Resolution focuses on resolving every issue.
Some things you are never going to agree on, but you can disagree without being disagreeable… wisdom
You can have unity without uniformity
You can have unity without uniformity
We can walk hand in hand without seeing eye to eye… ill of youth pastors when our speaker dropped out at last minute.
We can have reconciliation without resolution of every issue.
If you focus in the relationship - often issue become insignificant
If you focus in the relationship - often issue become insignificant
Close - YOU
My challenge to you: in a world of conflict, disagreement, prejudice, violent clashes, partianship, gangs and broken relationships
That you will commit to becoming an agent of reconciliation.
God’s goal: that we become PEACEMAKERS
God’s goal: that we become PEACEMAKERS
9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.