Principles for Married and single life

Principles of married and single life

The key to understanding the sexual wisdom of [the Bible] is to combine both form and freedom, both structure and liberation. Conservative people love form and restraint and control.

Progressive people love freedom and openness and choices. Both see part of the truth, but wisdom sees more. Wisdom teaches us that God gave us our sexual desires both to focus our romantic joy and to unleash our romantic joy.

When our desires are both focused and unleashed—both form and freedom—our sexual experience becomes wonderfully powerful. A marriage can flourish within both form and freedom, because sex is like a fire. In the fireplace, it keeps us warm. Outside the fireplace, it burns the house down.

Here's the message of the Bible: "Keep the fire within the marital fireplace where it belongs.”

BIG IDEA: Keep the fire in the fireplace where it belongs

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INTRODUCTION

A. We must remember that Paul is responding to questions. (It’s like he has the letter in front of him as he’s responding)

B. Paul directs his teaching to people in three different situations.

The marriage of two Christians

The benefits of singleness

The marriage of one Christian to a non-Christian.

Why all this talk about sexual relations and marriage? It would appear that there has been incredible pressure within the Church to absolve or abstain from marriage all together.

“Now concerning” ..... seems to indicate the specifics: marriage and divorce.

In the next several chapters Paul is going to steer the ship between licence/legalism and libertarian-ism. (anything goes.)

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ILLUSTRATION:

PSYCHOLOGY TODAY

Across the globe, increasing numbers of women and men are not simply postponing marriage, but forgoing it altogether. Among women in their late 30s or early 40s, 29 percent are unmarried in Denmark; 18 percent in Italy; 22 percent in Lebanon; and 32 percent in Libya.

In the United States, one in six women remains unmarried in her early forties. This is about the same proportion as in Japan, and is approaching its highest-ever rate in the US.

For the first time in American history, a majority of adults now live outside of marriage—as single parents, as partners in a cohabitating relationship, or as singles. 

In short, the institution within which childbirth, childcare, and childrearing once nearly exclusively took place is giving way to far more diverse arrangements. In the US today, two in five births are to unwed mothers.

A century ago, those who lived outside of marriage usually did so because of desertion or the premature death of a spouse. Today, in stark contrast, the leading causes are divorce, separation, cohabitation, or the simple desire to remain single.

Several factors are at work. These include new economic realities which no longer require women to marry for financial reasons; new gender norms, which undercut past notions that a husband should head his household and his wife should subordinate her needs for his; higher expectations about the level of intimacy, companionship, communication, and sexual fulfillment that marriage is expected to deliver; and a deepening ambivalence about the institution itself.

This ambivalence takes several forms.

Marriage is a relic/Old Fashioned ideal

Marriage is too limiting and fails to allow individual freedoms to grow.

Marriage has too many dysfunctions

A recent Pew Research Center poll found that half of all adults felt that there was no harm to society if people had higher priorities than marriage or children.

For most adults, marriage is the most sustained and intense intimate relationship they will ever have. Yet even as the expectations invested in marriage have risen, relationships have become more problematic. Today’s couples actually spend less time interacting with each another or even with mutual friends than did their counterparts in the 1950s, reflecting the increased amount of time devoted to work. Lacking clearly defined norms, couples must negotiate for themselves how to divide family roles and responsibilities—a particular problem within second marriages. 

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Marriage, says Paul, is the gift and plan of God. Sex is the gift and plan of God. To reject both as though they were evil is as much a deviation from the will of God as to indulge in sex outside of marriage.

GOD CREATED OUR SEX DRIVES

And since everything that God created was good then so is the desire to have sex.

PROBLEM: When we get our new identity as a child of God there is a shift in our desires. Notice that Paul prefers to stay single so that he can be a slave to God and to the ministry that he has called him to fulfill. But if someone does not have the self-control over their passions and desires they should be married.

2) Paul does not intend to teach that marriage is morally evil as compared to celibacy.

3) Marriage is a divine institution having it’s roots and foundation in the nature of man, and therefore must be good. “It is not good that man should be alone.”

4) Throughout Scripture marriage is spoken of as honorable, marriage is even used to illustrate the relationship between God and his people and between Christ and his church.

5) Marriage is essential to the wellbeing and health of our society. We must consider the special circumstances.

It is also possible that people converted out of a virtually amoral lifestyle (lacking a moral compose) they would have regarded Paul’s insistence on monogamy as unrealistic: we hear this same argument today in favor of living an immoral lifestyle.

2 Key Instructions from Paul.

Why not get married? So that then you can truly be a slave to Christ and have an undivided lifestyle.

Why get married? Paul expresses that due to the ongoing temptation towards sexual sin and personal self-control that it would be better to get married.

Why not get married? So that then you can truly be a slave to Christ and have an undivided lifestyle.

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Principle for Marriage

1.The fireplace of marriage protects against the flood of sexual immorality.

After saying in verse 1 that it's a good calling not to be sexually involved at all (that is, celibacy is good), Paul says in verse 2: "But because of the temptation to immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband."

*Letting the fire outside of the fireplace before marriage shows what and who we worship.

To understand sex and our sexual desires we have to go all the way back to the very beginning when it was constructed. Worship is first not an activity. When many Christians hear the word worship they think of the Sunday morning gathering. Worship is first our identity before it is our activity. We do not just worship on Sunday. We worship all the way through every moment of everyday, every situation, every location. We could argue that if we take apart the motivation of human beings then all we ever do is worship.

What does this mean? It means that something is always Lord over my heart. Something is always controlling my heart. The heart is the seat of all my emotions, my choices, my humanness.

WE ARE CONTROLLED BY WHAT WE ARE WORSHIPING

We live in a pluralistic society meaning a place where there is more than one God. From the very first sin in the Garden, Satan deceived Eve by telling her God knows that if you eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you will know what he knows. In essence you will be your own God.

DA Carson “A divided Heart is Idolatry”

Now let’s be practical, If I am worshiping myself, I will use my own pleasure to hurt you. If I am worshiping the other person I will try to find satisfaction in that other person that I will never find.

If I am worshiping God then I will love the boundaries that He has set for me, and desire to please Him above any of my selfish desires. I will love my neighbor as myself, and sex will have it’s rightful place in my life.

Cultural Connection:

Go ahead and sleep together since you are committed to each other and have enjoyed every other form of intimacy? No! He says, if the desire is that strong, get married. Premarital sexual intercourse for engaged couples is not a Christian option.

Cohabitation:  is the state of living together and having a sexual relationship without being married.

God is smarter than you. And when you say, “No, I am not going to stand inside of God’s boundaries,” you are actually saying, “I know more about me and this relationship than God does.” Now God knows that sex is only safe in the context of a long-term, committed relationship between a man and a woman called marriage.

ILLUSTRATION:

A study utilizing magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) sought to examine the brain functioning of cohabitating and married women when facing stress. Researchers administered to both sets of women a mild electronic shock on the ankle. For support, the women had three choices: hold the hand of their partners, hold the hand of a stranger, or face the shock alone. When a married woman held the hand of her spouse, she registered a deep sense of calm in the hypothalamus region of her brain as she prepared for the shock. Conversely, cohabitating women holding the hand of the live-in partner registered little to no calm.

What surprised researchers is that while both sets of women stated that they felt commitment from the partners, the cohabitating women recorded the same level of calm as those holding the hand of a stranger. Researchers speculate that while cohabitating women say they feel commitment from the partner, doubt resides in the deepest part of their brains.

Marriage is God's appointed dam against the flood of fornication in the world. You can't commit fornication after you are married.

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36 If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed(virgin), if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. 37 But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed(virgin), he will do well.

NOTE: the word betrothed literally means “virgin”.

Hebrews 13:34

4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

The marriage bed is to be kept pure or undefiled. In other words, the sexual intimacy shared between a husband and wife is to be reserved for that couple alone.

Ways we have defiled the marriage bed

1. When unmarried people engage in sex.

2. When one or both parties are having sex with someone other than their spouse.

3. Homosexuality. Another defilement of the marriage bed is the perversion of men having sex with men or women with women. Despite our worlds current embrace of this practice.

4. Pornography. Using pornography for sexual gratification is a more modern way to defile the marriage bed.

Further Protection Against: Results when we step outside of God’s plan

Unwanted Pregnancies

Abortions

Sexually transmitted diseases

orphaned Children

This is showing mutual Honor to your Spouse.

3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

Romans 12:9

9 Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. 10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

Genesis 2:24

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

*Stoking the fire regularly inside the fireplace keeps the flame burning strong.

The love and honor you have for your spouse is a direct picture of the love and honor that you show to God.

“Wives are to love their husbands as to the Lord, Husbands are to love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

The Basis for giving of conjugal rights to each other.

Neither the husband or the wife has the right of their own bodies. Each spouse by the marriage vow relinquishes the exclusive rites to his or her own body, and gives the claim to each other.

When husbands and wives fail to give in marriage what God wants us to give we are being selfish and not fulfilling our marriage covenant.

CULTURAL NOTE: So, this whole new approach to equality and mutuality in the marriage-relationship was completely revolutionary in Paul’s day, and remained so for many centuries afterwards, and continues to be in virtually every modern culture today.

Paul does not stress the duty of either partner at the expense of the other. It is both equal and equitable. Many of when we read this initially have the hair on the back of our neck stand up a bit. It makes us bristle the idea of giving up our personal rights and our body not being our own. Now let me make it very clear. This does not, nor would it ever excuse any type of sexual abuse in the relationship.

1) You should want to please and serve your spouse.

2) You should never use sex as leverage or a weapon.

3) You should want to be attractive to your spouse.

Let me insert a warning. Don't infer from this that, if your partner does not satisfy you, you have the right to go seek satisfaction elsewhere. Marriage is infinitely more than sex. And a disappointment in that area is not an honorable discharge from the relationship.

ILLUSTRATION

Michael Joyce's memory and some of his speech have been snatched by Alzheimer's. The disease is so advanced that he forgot he was married to his wife of 38 years. But he is in love with her, and he is also an honorable man, so he proposed to her on a recent morning. She said yes.

"You don't say, 'Oh, we're already married,' " Linda Joyce, 64, told the New Zealand news site Stuff." So, I said, 'Of course I will,' thinking he might not remember." But the next morning, Michael Joyce, 68, woke up and asked her, "So, when are we doing this?" according to Stuff. Here's how Linda invited her friends and community to their second wedding:

My adored Hubby of 38 years suffers from Alzheimer's/Dysphasia. Two nights ago, out of the blue, with tear-filled eyes, he asked me to marry him! Michael had clearly forgotten we were already married but I absolutely went along with him and said I would be delighted to be his wife. In spite of his confused mind, he obviously knows and feels this is something he really wants to do … to Michael it will be our Wedding Ceremony and to our friends and myself, a truly precious memorable occasion.

On their wedding morning, Linda Joyce said she wasn't sure he would remember, but he woke up and told his betrothed, "Today's the day." The beaming couple, originally from Scotland, exchanged vows at a scenic lake near their home as friends looked on. "There's been a lot of sadness and a lot of frustration," Linda Joyce said. "And despite all the fogginess, today has been pure joy."

APPLICATION: Joyce after 38 years still desired to please her husband.

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2.The fireplace of marriage may need to be delayed for a time in order to embrace your singleness.

Singles oftentimes feel as though God has robed them of something or forgotten them because he has yet to bless them the gift of the family. Anyone who would make you feel this way are being unbiblical and way off base with God’s plan.

*Singleness is a gift that should be celebrated.

ssssssasssssssssssssssssssss*ssssssaSingleness is a gift that should be celebrated.

Types of Christian singles

1) Those who are celibate by birth (Story of my friend Jim in Port Lavaca)

12 For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.”

2) Those who are dedicated to being celibate (divorced, widow, just waiting)

3) Vowed Celibate (renounce marriage for the Kingdom of God.)

3) Vowed Celibate (renounce marriage for the Kingdom of God.

Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all

But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

Paul saw being single as a gift from God that should not be ignored and discounted in the Church.

Paul saw being single as a precious gift from God.

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Quote: Page Benton Brown

“I am not single because I am too spiritually unstable to deserve a husband or too spiritually mature to need one. I am single because God is good, and that is His best for me.”

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8: "To the unmarried and the widow I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do." "It is good not to touch a woman," means, "It is good to be single."

Paul vs. modern society: Paul was so committed to his lifestyle that must have seemed radical to some in his society.

28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that. 29 This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, 30 and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods, 31 and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away.

Paul wants to spare singles the troubles of marriage. We have a shrinking focus about our lives and purpose.

No wife and children had to be taken into account when the mission for Christ was dangerous. No money had to be spent on clothing and educating little Paul junior. No time had to be taken preserving and cultivating his relation to his wife.

32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

The lie for singles is in sexual expression and sexual experience.

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Quote Preston Sprinkle

The whole idea of sexual expression is essential to human flourishing come from Freud, not from a Christian world view.

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This all moves without true connectivity. Watching a football game and a half naked women comes across the screen with a commercial for hamburgers. (what does that have to do with hamburgers)

* Singleness is not something to be rushed.

When we rush our singleness we settle for less that God’s plan.

Your worth is not wrapped up in whether you have a partner or not. Your life is not like a “Jerry McGuire movie. They do not complete you! God has already given you the only thing that will truly complete you in Jesus Christ.

19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

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* Singleness is not for everyone

Celibacy is not for everyone. good for them Paul describes the advantages of remaining single in vv. 32–34, but he recognizes that not everyone has this “gift” (v. 7); some people should get married (v. 9; compare v. 39).

SOLUTION: The solution for those who do not have the gift of celibacy is without question to get married. (We have married couples here at the Journey who when they realized their sin wanted to make it right.)

to burn with sexual desire Refers to intense sexual desire. Some believers could not refrain from illicitly satisfying their sexual desire. He advises such people to marry and enjoy sexual relations within an exclusive relationship.

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3.The fireplace of marriage or the life of singlness resists Satan’s lies by knowing God.

* Satan uses sexual desire to his advantage

Notice I said that he uses sexual desire, Satan did not create the desire God did. It is not sinful or Satanic to have those desires. This is the way God created you and it is a beautiful thing when used in the way that God intended from creation.

vs. 5 “Lest Satan tempt you with lack of self control.

There is a very simple truth at work here: the more strongly we feel sexual desire, the more susceptible we are to being deceived. That is why, for example, if you and your fiancé wait until you are alone in a car to decide what is right and wrong about fornication, you will almost surely decide in favor. Satan takes the desire and uses its power to make his proposal seem plausible.  

* Satan desires to ruin what God created as good.

He also does his best to take the pearl of sexual desire and, instead of putting it in the pendant of marriage, feed it to the swine of fornication and adultery and pornography and incest and child abuse and homosexuality.

But the pearl of sexual desire is meant to grow and come to its full beauty in the grace and truth of God, its maker, and then be taken and placed in the fireplace of marriage. Satan will do anything he can to drag God’s beautiful design through the muck and mud.

WE RESIST SATAN’S LIES BY KNOWING GOD

3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, 5 not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;

Paul shows a drastic difference between those who are who are led by their passions and those who are led by a sense holiness and honor.

The key phrase is "who do not know God." If you ask Paul, What can I do so that I am protected from Satan's power to deceive me into sexual sin? his answer would be, Get to know God. Devote yourself to the knowledge of God. Pursue an ever-expanding vision of God.

ILLUSTRATION

Inevitably every person I have talked to in my ministry that continues to struggle with ongoing unfaithfulness and sexual immorality spend very little time in the presence of God growing a great heart and affection for Him.

“They did not acknowledge God He gave them up to a debased mind.” If we learn to treasure the knowledge of God and pursue it above and beyond anything else in this life the chains and bondage of sexual sin will begin to fade away.

“Formerly you did not know God, you were enslaved to those who by nature are not gods.”

ILLUSTRATION

Rarely does the devil try to convince us that there is not a God. Since we cannot avoid the reality that He exists. Why go to all of that trouble if all he needs to do is convince us that we are God.

“For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

CLOSING

*Call to Single men and women: I want to call you out to start to lead us! Start up ministries, show us by your example. Reject the lie that you need a spouse to lead.

Singles need healthy self care. (willing to receive help and to ask for it)

Learn emotionally healthy skills to grow in your relationships. (don’t just hang with singles, gather with people from all life stages)

*Call to our Married people: Keep the fire in the fire place where it belongs. Start regularly stoking that fire. If you are struggling currently with your fire have the courage to seek out help from within the body of Christ.

Married couples need healthy self care. (willing to receive help and ask for it)

Learn healthy skills to grow in your relationships.

Illustration: How I learned from my friend Mack and Mary what marital faithfulness looks like. The way he cared for and loved her as Christ loved the Church. I watched his devotion to Mary that was unparalleled.

Whether you are single or married your devotion is to Christ is foremost and first. Keep the fire where it belongs in the fireplace of our marriages and if you are single learn to be satisfied and happy with the stage and place in life that God has placed you for His glory and service alone. Use it to your advantage and show us how you lead well for the kingdom of God.