Fear, Worry, and Anxiety Session 4

Introduction:

Who are you?

How would you describe yourself? What defines you? What do you find your deepest sense of identity in? We define ourselves by our relationships, positions, income, possessions, and experiences. As we think about where we find our identity and meaning, we will discover the places where we are most sensitive to the rejection and approval of other people.

In When People Are Big and God Is Small, Ed Welch says,

“Closely related to the fear that people will expose us is perhaps the most common reason we are controlled by other people: they can reject, ridicule, or despise us (rejection-fear). They don’t invite us to the party. They ignore us. They don’t like us. They aren’t pleased with us. They withhold the acceptance, love, or significance we want from them. As a result, we feel worthless.”

Are there particular social settings where you find yourself making rapid calculations of what will make you look best, what will make you look important, respectable, etc.? Give examples.

where you find yourself making rapid calculations of what will make you look best, what will make you look important, respectable, etc.? Give examples.

Fear of rejection and the desire for acceptance is one of Satan’s most significant ways of undermining what it means to be a Christian, for it goes directly contrary to what Christ has said following Him would mean. Though these words by the Puritan Richard Baxter are some 350 years old, they still speak today:

“Remember what a life of unquietness and continual vexation you choose, if you place your peace or happiness in the good will or word of man. For having showed you how impossible a task you undertake, it must needs follow that the pursuit of it must be a life of torment. To engage yourselves in so great cares, when you are sure to be disappointed; to make that your end, which you cannot attain; to find that you labour in vain, and daily meet with displeasure instead of the favour you expected; must needs be a very grievous life. You are like one that dwelleth on the top of a mountain, and yet cannot endure the wind to blow upon him; or like him that dwelleth in a wood, and yet is afraid of the shaking of a leaf. You dwell among a world of ulcerated, selfish, contradictory, mutable, unpleasable minds, and yet you cannot endure their displeasure. Are you magistrates? The people will murmur at you, and those that are most incompetent and uncapable will be the forwardest to censure you, and think that they could govern much better than you. Those that bear the necessary burdens of the common safety and defence, will say that you oppress them, and the malefactors that are punished, will say you deal unmercifully by them; and those that have a cause never so unjust, will say you wrong them, if it go not on their side. Are you pastors and teachers? You will seem too rough to one, and too smooth to another; yea, too rough to the same man when by reproof or censure you correct his faults, who censureth you as too smooth and a friend to sinners, when you are to deal in the cause of others. No sermon that you preach is like to be pleasing to all your hearers; nor any of your ministerial works. Are you lawyers? The clients that lost their cause, behind your backs will call you unconscionable, and say you betrayed them; and those that prevailed, will call you covetous, and tell how much money you took of them, and how little you did for it: so that it is no wonder that among the vulgar your profession is the matter of their reproach.”

So, all of this makes perfect sense to us as Christians, we should be able to easily turn from fearing the opinions of others, their rejection or lack of acceptance and walk in the fear of the Lord, right? Well, it’s not quite so easy.

Why is this such a battle?

People do reject us.

Our experience tells us that there is something to fear or at least be careful about. People reject us because of things we do or say, because of things related to who we are. It’s not always outright rejection; it is sometimes not accepting us as much as we desire. Think about how you have been rejected or have felt rejected or not approved in the last month, the last week, even today?

Ask: What are some ways that you have been rejected in the past?

2. Rejection hurts.

it doesn’t feel good to receive the disapproving comment from a friend or the sense of not quite satisfying your parents’ expectations for you. The purpose of this session is not to encourage putting on a Christian stoicism (that means denying that rejection hurts) … rejection hurts emotionally/psychologically. But our purpose as Christians is not first and foremost about feeling right, but being right with God, believing right, and finally living right. This is a key difference in the way Christians face fear of rejection and the way the world deals with this fear. The world seeks to cope with and treat the symptoms. The Christian recognizes that the symptoms are real, but changing symptoms apart from the core problem is vain and ultimately damning.

How do you fear people will reject you, and how do you manifest and deal with this fear?

We fear rejection for who we are:

personality, education, job title, socioeconomic position, gender, race, experiences, relationships. You change your personality because you think people will like you better. You seek after a certain degree or job title so that you can be accepted. You fear discrimination because of your race or gender. You fear being rejected by certain people because of other friends you have chosen.

Fear of rejection is manifest by an overwhelming desire for approval.

The greater the expectation and the desire for approval, the greater will be the fear and feeling of rejection as those expectations are increasingly not met.

Whose approval are you currently seeking or can’t imagine living without?

Fishing for compliments is a subtle way our fear of rejection from others shows itself.

: How do we go fishing? Lou Priolo in People Pleasing gives several ways:

· by intentionally putting ourselves down with the hope that others will correct or disagree with us;

· by constantly asking for assessment or critique in the hope that it will result in praise;

· by bringing up subjects that will lead to your being praised or trying to keep those subjects from being changed;

· and by praising things about others that you see in yourself with the hopes that they will reciprocate.

Yet Proverbs 25:27 tells us, “It is not good to eat much honey, nor is it glory to search out one’s own glory.”

Perfectionism is another manifestation of the fear of rejection.

A need to be the very best at everything you do. I must be involved in everything and be the best person involved in each of those venues. Or you overextend yourself to give yourself an excuse for being less than excellent, you say to yourself or others, “I could have been better, but you know, we have to prioritize.”

What will he or she think if I’m wearing that brand or not wearing this other brand? Do you find identity in your clothing? What about modesty? Do you think you must dress in a certain way, even if it is a bit more revealing, in order to attract the attention and approval of another?

One of the most common experiences of fear of rejection we face is the temptation to go along with the crowd, peer pressure.

And that crowd doesn’t have to be large. Thinking back to the Lewis quote at the beginning, are there actions you take merely because another person has become the definition of cool or acceptable or appropriate?

We demonstrate this fear of rejection when we fail to share the Gospel out of fear of how that person will respond.

As Ed Welch so aptly said,

“Sometimes we would prefer to die for Jesus than to live for him … however, if making a decision for Jesus means that we might spend years being unpopular, ignored, poor, or criticized, then there are masses of Christians who temporarily put their faith on the shelf. … In other words kill me, but don’t keep me from being liked, appreciated, or respected. Aren’t the most popular mission trips the ones that take us far from our own neighborhood? Russia is easy, our own neighborhood is a constant challenge.”

We demonstrate this fear in our relationships with others when we don’t confront sin or we confront it in different ways depending on the person we are confronting.

This is especially tempting for those of us that are seeking to be involved in the lives of others. In your discipleship relationships are there some you would be more reticent to admonish, not because you think they need to be treated more gently, but because you desire their approval or you respect them in a different way?

We demonstrate this fear of rejection in our passivity towards others, waiting for them to initiate—love, reconciliation, leadership, decisions, and righteousness.

This doesn’t mean we ignore social cues and plow forward with our way, in the name of initiation, for that also fails to appropriately love and care for others. But are there ways in which you would refrain from doing what you know to be the right thing because you fear rejection?

Many types of speech that we engage in demonstrate a fear of rejection.

Gossip, saying behind someone’s back something you would never say to his face. Or its equally evil and more subtle twin, flattery, saying to someone’s face something you would never say behind his back. Lying, blame-shifting, self-justifying language, manipulation, changing the subject of conversation or keeping it on a topic—these are all types of communication that flow out of a fear of rejection and desire for acceptance.

Many types of speech that we engage in demonstrate a fear of rejection. Gossip, saying behind someone’s back something you would never say to his face. Or its equally evil and more subtle twin, flattery, saying to someone’s face something you would never say behind his back. Lying, blame-shifting, self-justifying language, manipulation, changing the subject of conversation or keeping it on a topic—these are all types of communication that flow out of a fear of rejection and desire for acceptance.

Ask: How do we see fear of rejection in our culture and in our own lives?

How fearing rejection and desiring approval harms us

Besides the fact that giving into the fear of rejection is opposed to the fear of the Lord, what are some ways we see this fear of others and desire to please them endanger us?

It enslaves us to others.

Priolo says, “Being a people-pleaser is like having a little handle on your back that others can grab hold of to push you and pull you in all directions.”

It enslaves us to others. Priolo says, “Being a people-pleaser is like having a little handle on your back that others can grab hold of to push you and pull you in all directions.”

Love for praise actually undermines our receiving it.

Priolo, again, says, “Those from whom you long to receive honor and those whom you desire to impress will eventually be offended (if not repulsed) by the pride that generates your lust.”

Heavenly rewards are lost.

It causes us to be increasingly blind to our own sins.

It makes us more susceptible to being ensnared by flattery and deceit.

It causes us to be more susceptible to other sins,

which is not surprising, when we demote God from place of utmost fear and trust in our hearts. What are some of the sins that flow out of fear of rejection, we looked at some of those earlier: hypocrisy, discontentment, greed, timidity, unteachability, indecision, etc.

It can take a physical and psychological toll:

stomach problems, stress and tension, headaches, fatigue, depression, mood shifts, etc.

Pride fuels our fear of rejection

If the fear of man is the fire that rages within our hearts, then pride is the wood and oxygen that fuels that blaze. How does pride fuel the fear of man, how does it provide the foundation for fearing man?

Pride can do a variety of different things in relation to the fear of man:

Can cause us to distort our sins and faults, either maximizing or minimizingWill tempt us to elicit praise from others Can cause us to misapply the praise we receive … “look at how great I am, they said this about me …”Will tempt us to overvalue our strengths and minimize our weaknesses or sins. Will tempt us to change our behavior not seek a changed heart. Will tempt us to dismiss confrontation over sin or weakness …“it must just be their opinion.” Pride cannot handle criticism.

Ask: What are other ways you see pride fueling fear of man in your life?

When is it appropriate to please other people?

[Priolo 38-48]

We asked this question briefly in week 1, it would be appropriate now to return to this question. We have thought about all the ways we fear rejection and crave approval and acceptance. Well, aren’t there times and circumstances in which it is not only okay, but correct to seek approval? YES. Let’s look at some of those now. Scripture describes ways in which we should seek to please others and gain their approval.

A desire for honor that is not greater than love for others, love for God and desire to obey Him.

, Scripture doesn’t say that receiving honor and esteem and approval is wrong; in fact often it is a blessing that accompanies a righteous life.

As much as it is required for Gospel ministry and proclamation

, ,. As Christians, we should seek to have a good reputation with outsiders, but again this must be tempered with a realization that this is for God’s glory and praise and not our own, and ultimately we are not finding our identity or value in this type of approval. Paul also says in , that he has become all things to all men. Paul recognizes that in matters that are not sin, it is appropriate to adapt oneself to one’s audience in a way that will most appropriately adorn the Gospel.

In relation to pleasing and respecting parents and authorities, it is not only appropriate but also commanded.

Proverbs 15:33, Scripture doesn’t say that receiving honor and esteem and approval is wrong; in fact often it is a blessing that accompanies a righteous life. As much as it is required for Gospel ministry and proclamation, I Timothy 3:2,7. As Christians, we should seek to have a good reputation with outsiders, but again this must be tempered with a realization that this is for God’s glory and praise and not our own, and ultimately we are not finding our identity or value in this type of approval. Paul also says in I Corinthians 9:19-23, that he has become all things to all men. Paul recognizes that in matters that are not sin, it is appropriate to adapt oneself to one’s audience in a way that will most appropriately adorn the Gospel.In relation to pleasing and respecting parents and authorities, it is not only appropriate but also commanded. Again this is within the context of not pleasing these individuals above and beyond fearing and trusting God. So are you willing to disobey the Lord in order to please these people. Ex. 20:12, Prov. 16:14-15, and Titus 2:9-10. So in regard to your boss … there is nothing sinful about taking certain actions because you know that this will please them. In fact, if you know that your boss would be pleased by you doing something a certain way (and it’s not sin), it would be sinful for you to choose to not do your task in that way. If you are married, it is right for you to seek to please your spouse. If you are married, or if you become married, this relationship supercedes all others. You are now responsible to please your spouse, not your parents. This may involve the abandonment of old beliefs, activities, traditions. The desire for approval from one’s parents should no longer be a concern, and this again doesn’t mean a disregard for them. Regarding the nature of how one should rightly seek approval of one’s spouse according to I Corinthians 7:32-34, Priolo says, “The Greek word used in verse 33, which is translated ‘to please,’ is a word that has several nuances of meaning. Its root means ‘to fit in with.’ It can also mean ‘to conform,’ ‘to adapt,’ ‘to satisfy,’ ‘to soften one’s heart to,’ ‘to meet with one’s approval’ or ‘to accommodate.’ The word implies a preexisting relationship between the one doing the pleasing and the one being pleased. While an unmarried Christian should have his mind focused almost exclusively on how he may please the Lord, the attention of a married Christian must be focused not only on pleasing the Lord, but also on pleasing spouse. The Bible assumes that all married persons will have their interests divided between pleasing Christ, which is always top priority, and pleasing their spouses.” It is right to deny yourself of your Christian liberties for the sake of not offending a weaker brother. Paul in Romans 15 describes what it means to actually serve and love another by not demanding that you exercise the fullness of your liberty in their presence. Again, each situation calls for discernment and an examination of your own motives. Are you denying your liberty for the sake of them not stumbling or are you changing your behavior around someone because of fear of rejection like Peter with the Judaizers in Galatians.

Again this is within the context of not pleasing these individuals above and beyond fearing and trusting God. So are you willing to disobey the Lord in order to please these people. , , and . So in regard to your boss … there is nothing sinful about taking certain actions because you know that this will please them. In fact, if you know that your boss would be pleased by you doing something a certain way (and it’s not sin), it would be sinful for you to choose to not do your task in that way.

If you are married, it is right for you to seek to please your spouse.

If you are married, or if you become married, this relationship supercedes all others. You are now responsible to please your spouse, not your parents. This may involve the abandonment of old beliefs, activities, traditions. The desire for approval from one’s parents should no longer be a concern, and this again doesn’t mean a disregard for them. Regarding the nature of how one should rightly seek approval of one’s spouse according to , Priolo says, “The Greek word used in verse 33, which is translated ‘to please,’ is a word that has several nuances of meaning. Its root means ‘to fit in with.’ It can also mean ‘to conform,’ ‘to adapt,’ ‘to satisfy,’ ‘to soften one’s heart to,’ ‘to meet with one’s approval’ or ‘to accommodate.’ The word implies a preexisting relationship between the one doing the pleasing and the one being pleased. While an unmarried Christian should have his mind focused almost exclusively on how he may please the Lord, the attention of a married Christian must be focused not only on pleasing the Lord, but also on pleasing spouse. The Bible assumes that all married persons will have their interests divided between pleasing Christ, which is always top priority, and pleasing their spouses.”

It is right to deny yourself of your Christian liberties for the sake of not offending a weaker brother.

Paul in describes what it means to actually serve and love another by not demanding that you exercise the fullness of your liberty in their presence. Again, each situation calls for discernment and an examination of your own motives. Are you denying your liberty for the sake of them not stumbling or are you changing your behavior around someone because of fear of rejection like Peter with the Judaizers in Galatians.

Again in seeking to make the distinction between appropriate desire to please others and fear of rejection, it is critical to be in transparent relationships with other Christians: be honest about your thoughts and motives as best you can.

Fear of rejection in Scripture

We have already looked at Scripture today, but now let’s look at several who grappled with this struggle.

First, we see that fear of man falls in the category of idolatry laid out by Paul in Romans 1:25. Men and women throughout Scripture, and we today, turn other people into idols. This happens when we begin to think that people can give us something we need that God isn’t giving to us; when we believe that they can protect us in ways that God cannot, maybe from loneliness, discontent, or lack of control; when we add people to our worship portfolio. God is good up to a point, but we need to fear other people to “hedge our investments.” Worshipping anyone or anything in addition to God is just as wicked as a complete substitute; we worship other people because of sin and shame. We long for a more domesticated god, and other people easily fit that bill.

Deuteronomy 1:17, “Do not show partiality in judging; hear both small and great alike. Do not be afraid of any man, for judgment belongs to God.” Moses recognized the tendency for those in authority to treat people with partiality.

I Samuel 15:18, Saul’s fear at David’s ascendancy, he feared the rejection of the people as they switched allegiances.

John 12:42-43, “Yet at the same time many even among the leaders believed in him. But because of the Pharisees they would not confess their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved praise from men more than praise from God.” In one of the saddest statements in the Gospels, many of the Jewish leaders would have believed in Christ but for fear of man.

I Corinthians 2:15, “The spiritual man makes judgments about all things but he himself is not subject to any man’s judgment.” Paul is telling us that the Christian is not subject to the wisdom of this world, wisdom that would proclaim the Gospel to be foolishness. The more we live in this reality, the less we are fearful of the opinions of others and their fleeting approval.

Galatians 2:11-12, “When Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong. Before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group.” Here we see Peter again, this time giving into fear of rejection, desiring the approval of this group of Judaizers and in the process serving to confuse the Gospel among his Gentile friends.

In Exodus 32, Aaron facilitated and encouraged the people’s idolatry out of fear of not maintaining their approval. All the people who engaged in this idolatry were judged by the Lord. When leaders give in to the fear of man and crave the approval of those they lead, it will lead to disastrous consequences to the leader and followers, for the Lord does not let anyone off the hook. In this account, we see Aaron fear man not only in the act of facilitating the formation of the golden calf, but also in the way he blame-shifted and self-justified when Moses asked for an explanation.

Mark 15:15, “Wanting to satisfy the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas to them. He had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified.” In spite of acknowledging that Jesus had done no crime, Pilate preferred to appease the masses and so became the custodian of the greatest mistrial in history. He desired popularity, peace, and approval more than he feared God.

Which leads us to our last point in thinking about how we are tempted by the fear of rejections and how we overcome this fear of man.

Jesus was and is rejected by man.

Isaiah 53:3 says, “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.” This begins to put our fear of rejection in perspective. Jesus, the innocent one, experienced the most severe form of rejection. He was rejected by man and by God, so that we would not be rejected by God and that we would no longer be enslaved to fearing those created by God.

We understand that because of this rejection that Jesus endured for us, any rejection we are called to face in this life will be temporary; just as the approval we so desperately seek to attain is fleeting, so any rejection we do experience will fade and be forgotten quickly. And have you not seen this to be so in your life already. Can you remember ways you feared being rejected when you were 10? Do you still fear those same specific things? It is unlikely.

In Ephesians 2, Paul describes how that in Christ we are now accepted by God. Christian, you have received the greatest approval and acceptance you will ever need.

Finally, as we looked at last week, according to Hebrews 4:14-16, because Jesus was rejected He is able to sympathize with our rejections. Not only that, but because of his high priestly function, we can come to Him with our fears and ask with confidence that He would replace our insufficient fears of other people with a robust and complete fear of Him.

Response: How does the Gospel intersect our fear of rejection?

We can endure rejection from others because Christ has been rejected in our place. As our identity becomes increasingly found in Christ we are able to handle rejection from others. The greater we take refuge and find freedom in our union with Christ the more we’ll grow in not being enslaved to our fear of rejection.

What would it mean for you to begin living in the reality of following the One who has been despised and rejected by man for us?

At home:

At work:

At church: