What Your Spouse Wants You to Figure Out

The What’s of Marriage

What Your Spouse Wants You to Figure Out

Part 2

LET THY FOUNTAIN BE BLESSED: AND REJOICE WITH THE WIFE OF THY YOUTH.

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to Southpointe! We are in our second part of The what’s of Marriage.

I learned that most all instructions and directions are written at a 5th grade level. I didn’t believe it until I got in the habit of reading them.

If you pay attention to them some of them, they are so funny because they are so obvious.

Have you ever see these Iron that have instruction on them: And it is a warning: Do not iron clothes on body.

Or I have seen these ski lift and you are over a 100 feet about the ground and the people below look like ants and you go past a pole and there’s a sign that says: Warning: jumping from the ski lift will result in loss of the lift ticket!

What about this: have you seen those shop on the malls where you can get your ears pierced, and the sign says: Ears pierced while you wait! My question is how else are you going to get your ears pierced?

The instructions might seem simple it still pays to take the time to read them. Those directions are designed to protect you from harm and insure that you get the most out of it.

Marriages comes with some instructions and warnings that are written at about a 5th grade level but they will protect you from harm and allow you to get the most joy out of this gift called marriage.

: FOR THIS REASON A MAN WILL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE UNITED TO HIS WIFE, AND THEY WILL BECOME ONE FLESH. THE MAN AND HIS WIFE WERE BOTH NAKED, AND THEY FELT NO SHAME.

Understand that the husband “leaves” his parents, cleaves to his wife and they weave an intimate union as they merge themselves together physically, spiritually, and emotionally. The merging is not instantaneous.

Notice the words of Moses, “They become one flesh…” Not “they became one flesh.” Oneness is not created overnight, even a honeymoon night. Marital oneness is a lifelong spiritual, and emotional quest.

Just like this couple, today. They are renewing their vows.

(Lee and Jen Bell)

Song:

In our text this morning, To fully understand it you must read before and after. And I going to use CEV.

You should be faithful to your wife, just as you take water from your own well.

And don't be like a stream from which just any woman may take a drink.

Save yourself for your wife and don't have sex with other women.

Be happy with the wife you married when you were young.

She is beautiful and graceful, just like a deer; you should be attracted to her and stay deeply in love.

Don't go crazy over a woman who is unfaithful to her own husband!

This could be vice versa.

This is dealing with being faithful and thankful for the spouse you have. And to work at making the marriage better, that would be MWE.

You have got to work at having a intimated and loving marriage.

So today we are going to talk about:

What your spouse wishes you’d figure out…Let’s begin with

What your spouse wishes you’d figure out…Let’s begin with

What your spouse wishes you’d figure out…Let’s begin with

From a listening perspective and a preaching perspective this topic is the most delicate of the three. I want to convey my thoughts without compromising any confidences within my marriage relationship. While I want to be transparent I don’t want to be too transparent. But rest assured this manuscript has been closely scrutinized…

SHOW 7 second Video clip- “Hi, I’m Beth Stone…and I approved this message!” (freeze on the cheesy pose)

That was just in case you didn’t believe me! Don’t worry two more days and you won’t be seeing these political ads for quite some time.

Max Lucado says, “God desires to make you one with your spouse. Sex is one of his tools. Don’t over-rate it like society does. Don’t ignore it like religion has done. Just appreciate it. Appreciate it for the gift it is”

What your spouse wishes you’d figure out…Let’s begin with

I. The Wife’s Wishes

What are her desires in order to establish an enjoyable and romantic life with her husband? Let me try and generalize three main categories. Her first wish would be that her husband would…

A. COMMUNICATE—take a genuine interest in her!

Right now some guys may be thinking, “What does that have to do with intimacy?”

And your wife beside you is wanting to say to you, “HELLO? I’ve been telling you that for years but you never listen!”

Because in the wife’s minds it has everything to do with it. Communication is the key.

Husbands, your wife wants you to take an interest in her, in her life and pursuits.

To become a sounding board that she can bounce things off, to talk frequently, to hear you call and say, “I was just thinking about you.”

Sometimes husbands when we speak to our wives we can be so short with them and our words can be so derogatory. We talk nicer to strangers than we do to our wife.

Choose your words carefully and communicate with an attitude that honors her rather than demeans her. Belittling communication is a source of so much marital discord.

A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

There is more hope for a fool than for someone who speaks without thinking.

In the Old Testament there’s a book called the Song of Solomon and in this book there’s a whole lot of communication going on.

Now I know in this book, it get really personal quick all in the confines of marriage.

Rabbis used to say that no one under the age of 30 should be allowed to read the Song of Solomon.

But what I am want to look at is the compliments that the man said to his wife. Their verbal exchange of not down playing each other but speaking words that were uplifting.

Son 4:1 You are beautiful, my darling, beautiful beyond words. Your eyes are like doves behind your veil. Your hair falls in waves, like a flock of goats winding down the slopes of Gilead.

Son 4:2 Your teeth are as white as sheep, recently shorn and freshly washed. Your smile is flawless, each tooth matched with its twin.

Son 4:3 Your lips are like scarlet ribbon; your mouth is inviting. Your cheeks are like rosy pomegranates behind your veil.

Son 4:4 Your neck is as beautiful as the tower of David, jeweled with the shields of a thousand heroes.

This man goes down her body and praises her and the passage closes with him saying to her: You’ve captured my heart, dear friend. You looked at me, and I fell in love. One look my way and I was hopelessly in love!

.

The fourth chapter begins with the husband speaking to his wife.

Listen to these words of poetry as they’re read for us.

Man reads from off stage Microphone

, ,

You’re so beautiful, my darling,

So beautiful, and your dove eyes are veiled…by your hair as it flows and shimmers…

Your smile is generous and full –

Expressive and strong and clean.

Your lips are jewel red,

This man is talking to his wife, not some girl, that he is trying to impress.

Your mouth elegant and inviting,

Your veiled cheeks soft and radiant.

The smooth, lithe lines of your neck

Command notice – all heads turn in awe and admiration!

Your breasts are like fawns,

Twins of a gazelle, grazing among the first spring flowers.

The sweet, fragrant curves of your body,

The soft, spiced contours of your flesh

Invite me, and I come. I stay

Until dawn breathes its light and night slips away.

You’re beautiful from head to toe, my dear love,

Beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless.

This man goes down her body and praises her and the passage closes with him saying to her: You’ve captured my heart, dear friend. You looked at me, and I fell in love. One look my way and I was hopelessly in love!

That’s communicating with her face to face. Husbands, if you talk like that to your wife with genuine sincerity, you will capture her heart.

Josh McDowell says, “The chief dysfunction in failing marriages is not sexual but verbal, fulfilled marriages are enjoyed by those who share their feelings and have a great amount of openness with their spouse.”

Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil.

I’ve found when my wife and I are communicating, staying in touch throughout the day, giving each others advice and counsel then things go pretty smoothly and marriage is great because we are verbally interacting.

Researcher Terri Schultz concludes, "Although many women chose their partners based on sex appeal, research shows that if they had to do it again, the ability to communicate is much more important. Communication in a relationship ranked higher than sexual attraction, physical appearance and personality."

So try to grow in this area, but wives also want their husbands to…

B. CARE—lovingly serve her

Christian author Dr. Kevin Leman wrote a book a few years ago titled, “Sex Begins in the Kitchen.” And the premise of the book is that romance is an all-day process.

Husbands, when you care and lovingly serve your wife you are displaying that at this moment, she is more important than you are.

So you make the late night run for the forgotten gallon of milk, or wash the dishes, change the diapers, you write out the checks and pay the bills or you cook the meal or call in the afternoon and say, “When we both get off of work today meet me at your favorite restaurant.”

One woman said, “When my husband helps get the children their baths and puts them to bed without me asking him to do it, I find myself very attracted to him that night.”

After that the next week that husband was constantly giving their little kids a bath! Kid was saying (“Mom already gave me one”—“I don’t care you need another one.”)

But in those instances husbands make certain that you don’t have ulterior motives. You are doing what Paul commanded every husband to do in

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up His life for her

Jesus sacrificed and served the church, His love was evident and His motives were pure.

Jesus sacrificed and served the church, his love was evident and His motives were pure. Thirdly wives wish their husbands would…

Thirdly wives wish their husbands would…

C. CUDDLE -- with no strings attached

Women need affection and that means caring and understanding and respect and devotion. They like to be held knowing they are safe and secure in your strong arms. That’s why they wish their husband would figure out that cuddling may not lead on to what’s on his agenda.

So when you are walking to your car after church, hold her hand. Or around the house give her a hug or massage her back while you all watch TV.

There’s an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, where Ray is trying to dig his way out of trouble with his wife, Debra. He has been ignoring her and he begins complimenting her on her appearance.

They are in the living room, and Ray says, “You are so hot, you’re beautiful.”

And she says, “Well, it would be nice to hear you say that sometime.”

He said, I tell you that all the time.

She says, “Yeah when we’re crawling in to bed and you want something.” And then she adds, “But it would be nice to hear how beautiful you think I am when the lights are on and you can see me!”

Sometimes we guys ignore the communication, care and cuddling until we have a desire for pleasure. If that’s the only time we do those things then we have ulterior motives our agenda borders on selfishness.

Men and women are different emotionally, especially in this arena of cuddling. When a woman says, “I just want to be held,” do you know what she’s really saying?... What she really means, “I just want to be held.”

That is not a cue for you to try and take it to the next level. (It taken me years to learn that! and I am still working on it)

In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.

No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.

Before we leave this section, guys at times husbands must be willing to put our physical desires on hold and grow in our spiritual and emotional closeness with our wife.

says, “Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies..... After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.”

Before we leave this section, guys at times we must be willing to put our physical desires on hold and grow in our spiritual and emotional closeness with our wife.

Gene Appel says, “When Jesus wanted to reach out to us, what did He do? God came into our world and met us where we are. That’s why He was called “Emmanuel...God with us.”

And guys, if we’re going to feed and care for our wives as Christ does the church, we’re going to have to get down off our high horses and step out of our world of career, of self-importance, step out of our world of sports, and enter the world of our wives...and nurture them, and fill their soul.

Our wives are not impressed by how successful we’ve been. Or how many deals we’ve closed. Or how much money we’ve made.

What gets your wife attention is when we leave our world and (like the Son of God) enter their world, and their sphere, and their interests, and their careers, and their hopes and fears and we get involved.”

We don’t always like to hear that guys, but Gene Appel is right. That might mean you go and watch a chick flick with her, you take an interest in antiques to get to spend time with her. Find some way to get involved in her life.

II. The Husband’s Wishes

You have heard us say this before, but when it comes to the sexual relationship, men are wired more like microwaves and women are wired more like crock pots. Guys are like a light switch and women are like a mercury light—it takes some time to warm up. Guys are very visually stimulated. Women are more emotionally stimulated. I don’t know why God created each of us that way—but he did.

But ladies, let me tell you some things your husband would enjoy in your physical relationship. He wants…

A. CREATIVITY

Some of you would describe your sex life as routine or mundane. Those who always see sexual activity with their spouse as some chore are missing out on God’s wedding gift and the joy, and freshness of having a personal intimate relationship that is for your eyes only. Light some Candles, put some planning into creating a special moment, or take him out of town for a special night, or think about how you can dress to increase his attention in the bedroom. Invite him to lunch someday and meet at home!

Be creative and have fun. Make it an experience, rather than a duty. Variety adds spice to your marriage and joy to your husband. Don’t allow Satan to get a foothold on your relationship and intimacy, keep the thrill, and sparkle and creativity. Ladies, you put so much planning and attention for some hobby you have or for a trip with your girlfriends. May I challenge you to pour some time effort and energy into the most important earthly relationship?

Secondly your husband is concerned with the

B. FREQUENCY

Earthshattering revelation there! Is the marital act rarely on the menu or is their regularity to this celebration, is it something that both the husband and wife look forward to and anticipate? Sure there are some exceptions to this but surveys consistently show that husbands desire this more often than wives.

A Doctor gave an older couple a terrible report concerning the health of the husband. Afterwards the doctor requested to speak privately with the wife. He said to her "The bad news is your husband has about a week to live. The good news is that if you really pamper him, bring him breakfast in bed, cook him three meals a day, and make love to him as often as you did the first year of your marriage. THEN I think he could last for a year or two."

She came out to the waiting room and her curious husband said, "What did

the Doctor say?"

She replied, "He says you're gonna die!"

You all enjoyed that joke way too much!

Discuss some of these issues as a couple and openly agree on both his needs and her needs. Be willing to change and don’t be legalistic.

Dr. Willard Harley shares a compelling illustration that may help a woman understand a MAN’s sex drive.

Suppose there was a stool with a glass of water on it. The Husband was next to the stool where he could easily reach the water. The wife is next to the husband but she is immobilized and can’t quite reach the water. The wife turns to her husband and says, “Would you please pour me a glass of water I’m getting thirsty.” The husband responds by saying I don’t really feel like it – I’m not in the mood – maybe in a couple of hours. The wife says I’m really thirsty now– the husband says ¬It’s been a long day – I’m too tired to get you a glass of water right now.

The next day the wife having gone without water says again, Will you please give me a glass of water now? The husband says Why do you always have to ask for water – I’ll give you a glass when I’m in the mood. And the wife can feel her temperature rising – she’s not happy – she’s thirsty and the only person who can give her water is her husband. She begins to demand it…and the husband glares at his wife, and says, Your not going to get any water with an attitude like that…The next day the husband finally says, “OK, here’s your water- but drink it fast – and don’t be telling me your thirsty again tomorrow.” And the wife drinks, but she does so with bitterness and frustration.

The New Testament even talks about the frequency of intimacy in . Paul says,

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

So there may be times when you do not have physical relations, it may be due to health reasons, or toward the end of a pregnancy or after giving birth. Or it might be it may be emotionally due to the loss of a loved one, or during or after a pregnancy or some other reason that you have mutually agreed to go without that pleasure, Paul says so that you can devote yourself to prayer. But it doesn’t go on and on for a long time---because as Paul points out Satan will tempt you and we don’t have a whole lot of self-control.

Other than after the birth of each child, in my 19 years of marriage, my wife and I have only tried this at one time. We were about five weeks from moving into this building, I was swamped with responsibilities and nervous about the transition.

So Beth and I decided to put our times of sexual intimacy on hold for those final five weeks. We intentionally tried to replace those moments with additional prayer and focus on asking God to bless that major transition in location and in my increasing responsibilities.

It wasn’t easy but we both felt that God was using that brief season of our marriage to focus more on the spiritual and less on the physical. The long awaited day finally arrived. It was Christmas Eve 1998 and we moved into this sanctuary and had four services. I was ready for my fast from the physical to end!! I kept having all of these television reporters asking, “Are you excited about moving in to your new facilities?” And I would honestly answer, “You have no idea.”

Those times in your marriage should be rare and mutually planned.

Creativity, frequency and

C. AFFIRMATION

Your husband needs affirmation from you in his career, in his appearance and in the bedroom. Tell him if he pleases you or let him know when he wears a sweater or some certain outfit if you like the way he looks in it. You watch; he’ll start wearing it with regularity.

Ladies, talk to your husbands and not your girlfriends about the negatives or positives of your sex life. The male ego needs a lot of strokes and validation. So wives, you need to affirm him and encourage him. You might be shocked if you paid attention to some of his needs what kind of person he might become. So at times take the initiative when it comes to your physical relationship as he will find that very affirming.

Listen to the affirmation given by the wife to her husband in Woman reads from off stage Microphone

in the Message Paraphrase

My dear lover glows with health—red blooded, radiant!

He’s one in a million. There’s no one quite like him!

My golden one, pure and untarnished, with raven black curls tumbling across his shoulders.

His eyes are like doves, soft and bright…

His face is rugged, his beard smells like sage,

His voice, his words, warm and reassuring.

Fine muscles ripple beneath his skin…

His torso is the work of a sculptor, hard and smooth as ivory.

He stands tall, like a cedar, strong and deep-rooted…

His words are kisses, his kisses words.

Everything about him delights me, thrills me through and through!

That’s my lover, that’s my man.

Wow! She goes up and down his entire body, how do you think her words made him feel? Creativity, Frequency Affirmation

Let’s conclude by looking at…

III. What both wives and husbands must remember

Today’s topic is such a difficult one to try and cover adequately. And there are so many factors that can hinder the sex lives of a married couple, it could stem from sexual abuse in childhood, lack of care for how you look, it could be due to exposure to pornography years ago, or maybe there’s poor communication, lack of love, or extreme fatigue at the end of the day. If in your marriage there is some baggage or problem with intimacy for you, the learning process may begin with talking to a Christian counselor so you can work through the problem and enjoy this important aspect of your marriage.

If I could summarize into one phrase what I want to say to married couples, it would be this.

Strive to be intimate friends who unselfishly serve one another

talks about the celebration that ought to occur as we deepen in our physical relationship. But in the first 14 verses Solomon tells us not to pursue the wrong type of mate, and to stay true and to avoid premarital and extramarital sex, and then he tells us what to pursue. He writes in very graphic and symbolic language.

Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer – may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

And the word captivated means may you be left staggering from your physical interaction with your wife. In other words, may her beauty and her love for you be so intoxicating that you can’t see straight!

The Bible uses that word so that husbands, you wouldn’t even consider a fling with a co-worker. And so that wives, you would never act like a “Desperate Housewife”. The writer of Proverbs says the most exhilarating experience is when you DON’T drink from all of these other cisterns but a husband and wife share something special within the bonds of marriage.

The world has it wrong, the concept of sex is not about getting, it’s about giving and pouring yourself totally into your spouse. You will reap what you sow. Max Lucado says, “Withholding sex as punishment, demanding sex by threats these are not the ways of God’s people. The bed should be a place of servanthood, not selfishness.”

Someone said, “There are no sex experts, only God’s children attempting to discover the joy of God’s purpose of intimacy” for one man and one woman for one lifetime. So enjoy the learning process of improving together in this area through faithfulness and commitment as it gets better and better the closer you become.

Ann Landers received a letter that is a good wrap up to this entire series…

Dear Ann,

Last weekend, we celebrated my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. This morning they left on a long-awaited trip to Hawaii. They were as excited as if it were their honeymoon! When my parents married, they had only enough money for a three-day trip 50 miles from home. They made a pact then, that each time they made love, they would put a dollar in a special metal box and save it for a honeymoon in Hawaii for their 50th anniversary.

Dad was a policeman, and Mom was a schoolteacher. They lived in a modest house and did all their own repairs. Raising five children was a challenge, and sometimes, money was short. But no matter what emergency came up, Dad would not let Mom take any money out of the "Hawaii account." As the amount grew, they put it in a savings account and then bought CD's.

My parents were always very much in love. I can remember Dad coming home and telling Mom, "I have a dollar in my pocket." She would smile at him and reply, "I know just how to spend it." When each of us children married, Mom and Dad gave us a small metal box and told us their secret, which we found inspiring… Mom and Dad never told us how much money they managed to save, but it must have been considerable because when they cashed in those CDs, they had enough for airfare to Hawaii, plus hotel accommodations for 10 days and plenty of spending money. Before they boarded the plane, Dad winked and said, "Tonight we are starting an account for Cancun!"

Ann, I thought you'd enjoy this story about 50 great years of intimacy in marriage!

From a loving daughter in Abilene, Texas

For those who do it right, the physical relationship gets better and better the longer you are married. Some of you would say that at best, intimacy has been mediocre, infrequent and lackluster. The real question is, What do you believe? Do you assume sex has to be stale in marriage, that the most exciting physical relationships can only be experienced in illicit liaisons or diverse lovers?

OR Do you believe God, that He can give you, within your marriage, immeasurably more than all you ask or imagine?

Les Christie says, “Why didn’t God make each of us attracted to one person of the opposite sex and one person only? Because by declaring our allegiance to one spouse despite the attraction to other people we are participating in a microcosm of what the Christian life is. God wants us to love Him and Him only despite the attraction of other gods of this world.

Today, whether you’re single or married, a child or a grandparent we would love for you to declare your allegiance to Jesus Christ. If you’ve already done that and you want to commit to membership here we invite you to meet me down front as we stand and sing.