What your spouse wants you to know (men)

Well what do the men wish their wives’ would figure out, when it comes to sexual intimacy?

II. The Husband’s Wishes

You have heard us say this before, but when it comes to the sexual relationship, men are wired more like microwaves and women are wired more like crock pots. Guys are like a light switch and women are like a mercury light—it takes some time to warm up. Guys are very visually stimulated. Women are more emotionally stimulated. I don’t know why God created each of us that way—but he did.

But ladies, let me tell you some things your husband would enjoy in your physical relationship. He wants…

A. CREATIVITY

Some of you would describe your sex life as routine or mundane. Those who always see sexual activity with their spouse as some chore are missing out on God’s wedding gift and the joy, and freshness of having a personal intimate relationship that is for your eyes only. Light some Candles, put some planning into creating a special moment, or take him out of town for a special night, or think about how you can dress to increase his attention in the bedroom. Invite him to lunch someday and meet at home!

Be creative and have fun. Make it an experience, rather than a duty. Variety adds spice to your marriage and joy to your husband. Don’t allow Satan to get a foothold on your relationship and intimacy, keep the thrill, and sparkle and creativity. Ladies, you put so much planning and attention for some hobby you have or for a trip with your girlfriends. May I challenge you to pour some time effort and energy into the most important earthly relationship?

Secondly your husband is concerned with the

B. FREQUENCY

Earthshattering revelation there! Is the marital act rarely on the menu or is their regularity to this celebration, is it something that both the husband and wife look forward to and anticipate? Sure there are some exceptions to this but surveys consistently show that husbands desire this more often than wives.

A Doctor gave an older couple a terrible report concerning the health of the husband. Afterwards the doctor requested to speak privately with the wife. He said to her "The bad news is your husband has about a week to live. The good news is that if you really pamper him, bring him breakfast in bed, cook him three meals a day, and make love to him as often as you did the first year of your marriage. THEN I think he could last for a year or two."

She came out to the waiting room and her curious husband said, "What did

the Doctor say?"

She replied, "He says you're gonna die!"

You all enjoyed that joke way too much!

Discuss some of these issues as a couple and openly agree on both his needs and her needs. Be willing to change and don’t be legalistic.

Dr. Willard Harley shares a compelling illustration that may help a woman understand a MAN’s sex drive.

Suppose there was a stool with a glass of water on it. The Husband was next to the stool where he could easily reach the water. The wife is next to the husband but she is immobilized and can’t quite reach the water. The wife turns to her husband and says, “Would you please pour me a glass of water I’m getting thirsty.” The husband responds by saying I don’t really feel like it – I’m not in the mood – maybe in a couple of hours. The wife says I’m really thirsty now– the husband says ¬It’s been a long day – I’m too tired to get you a glass of water right now.

The next day the wife having gone without water says again, Will you please give me a glass of water now? The husband says Why do you always have to ask for water – I’ll give you a glass when I’m in the mood. And the wife can feel her temperature rising – she’s not happy – she’s thirsty and the only person who can give her water is her husband. She begins to demand it…and the husband glares at his wife, and says, Your not going to get any water with an attitude like that…The next day the husband finally says, “OK, here’s your water- but drink it fast – and don’t be telling me your thirsty again tomorrow.” And the wife drinks, but she does so with bitterness and frustration.

The New Testament even talks about the frequency of intimacy in . Paul says,

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

So there may be times when you do not have physical relations, it may be due to health reasons, or toward the end of a pregnancy or after giving birth. Or it might be it may be emotionally due to the loss of a loved one, or during or after a pregnancy or some other reason that you have mutually agreed to go without that pleasure, Paul says so that you can devote yourself to prayer. But it doesn’t go on and on for a long time---because as Paul points out Satan will tempt you and we don’t have a whole lot of self-control.

Other than after the birth of each child, in my 19 years of marriage, my wife and I have only tried this at one time. We were about five weeks from moving into this building, I was swamped with responsibilities and nervous about the transition.

So Beth and I decided to put our times of sexual intimacy on hold for those final five weeks. We intentionally tried to replace those moments with additional prayer and focus on asking God to bless that major transition in location and in my increasing responsibilities.

It wasn’t easy but we both felt that God was using that brief season of our marriage to focus more on the spiritual and less on the physical. The long awaited day finally arrived. It was Christmas Eve 1998 and we moved into this sanctuary and had four services. I was ready for my fast from the physical to end!! I kept having all of these television reporters asking, “Are you excited about moving in to your new facilities?” And I would honestly answer, “You have no idea.”

Those times in your marriage should be rare and mutually planned.

Creativity, frequency and

C. AFFIRMATION

Your husband needs affirmation from you in his career, in his appearance and in the bedroom. Tell him if he pleases you or let him know when he wears a sweater or some certain outfit if you like the way he looks in it. You watch; he’ll start wearing it with regularity.

Ladies, talk to your husbands and not your girlfriends about the negatives or positives of your sex life. The male ego needs a lot of strokes and validation. So wives, you need to affirm him and encourage him. You might be shocked if you paid attention to some of his needs what kind of person he might become. So at times take the initiative when it comes to your physical relationship as he will find that very affirming.

Listen to the affirmation given by the wife to her husband in Woman reads from off stage Microphone

in the Message Paraphrase

My dear lover glows with health—red blooded, radiant!

He’s one in a million. There’s no one quite like him!

My golden one, pure and untarnished, with raven black curls tumbling across his shoulders.

His eyes are like doves, soft and bright…

His face is rugged, his beard smells like sage,

His voice, his words, warm and reassuring.

Fine muscles ripple beneath his skin…

His torso is the work of a sculptor, hard and smooth as ivory.

He stands tall, like a cedar, strong and deep-rooted…

His words are kisses, his kisses words.

Everything about him delights me, thrills me through and through!

That’s my lover, that’s my man.

Wow! She goes up and down his entire body, how do you think her words made him feel? Creativity, Frequency Affirmation

Let’s conclude by looking at…

III. What both wives and husbands must remember

Today’s topic is such a difficult one to try and cover adequately. And there are so many factors that can hinder the sex lives of a married couple, it could stem from sexual abuse in childhood, lack of care for how you look, it could be due to exposure to pornography years ago, or maybe there’s poor communication, lack of love, or extreme fatigue at the end of the day. If in your marriage there is some baggage or problem with intimacy for you, the learning process may begin with talking to a Christian counselor so you can work through the problem and enjoy this important aspect of your marriage.

If I could summarize into one phrase what I want to say to married couples, it would be this.

Strive to be intimate friends who unselfishly serve one another

talks about the celebration that ought to occur as we deepen in our physical relationship. But in the first 14 verses Solomon tells us not to pursue the wrong type of mate, and to stay true and to avoid premarital and extramarital sex, and then he tells us what to pursue. He writes in very graphic and symbolic language.

Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer – may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

And the word captivated means may you be left staggering from your physical interaction with your wife. In other words, may her beauty and her love for you be so intoxicating that you can’t see straight!

The Bible uses that word so that husbands, you wouldn’t even consider a fling with a co-worker. And so that wives, you would never act like a “Desperate Housewife”. The writer of Proverbs says the most exhilarating experience is when you DON’T drink from all of these other cisterns but a husband and wife share something special within the bonds of marriage.

The world has it wrong, the concept of sex is not about getting, it’s about giving and pouring yourself totally into your spouse. You will reap what you sow. Max Lucado says, “Withholding sex as punishment, demanding sex by threats these are not the ways of God’s people. The bed should be a place of servanthood, not selfishness.”

Someone said, “There are no sex experts, only God’s children attempting to discover the joy of God’s purpose of intimacy” for one man and one woman for one lifetime. So enjoy the learning process of improving together in this area through faithfulness and commitment as it gets better and better the closer you become.

Ann Landers received a letter that is a good wrap up to this entire series…

Dear Ann,

Last weekend, we celebrated my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. This morning they left on a long-awaited trip to Hawaii. They were as excited as if it were their honeymoon! When my parents married, they had only enough money for a three-day trip 50 miles from home. They made a pact then, that each time they made love, they would put a dollar in a special metal box and save it for a honeymoon in Hawaii for their 50th anniversary.

Dad was a policeman, and Mom was a schoolteacher. They lived in a modest house and did all their own repairs. Raising five children was a challenge, and sometimes, money was short. But no matter what emergency came up, Dad would not let Mom take any money out of the "Hawaii account." As the amount grew, they put it in a savings account and then bought CD's.

My parents were always very much in love. I can remember Dad coming home and telling Mom, "I have a dollar in my pocket." She would smile at him and reply, "I know just how to spend it." When each of us children married, Mom and Dad gave us a small metal box and told us their secret, which we found inspiring… Mom and Dad never told us how much money they managed to save, but it must have been considerable because when they cashed in those CDs, they had enough for airfare to Hawaii, plus hotel accommodations for 10 days and plenty of spending money. Before they boarded the plane, Dad winked and said, "Tonight we are starting an account for Cancun!"

Ann, I thought you'd enjoy this story about 50 great years of intimacy in marriage!

From a loving daughter in Abilene, Texas

For those who do it right, the physical relationship gets better and better the longer you are married. Some of you would say that at best, intimacy has been mediocre, infrequent and lackluster. The real question is, What do you believe? Do you assume sex has to be stale in marriage, that the most exciting physical relationships can only be experienced in illicit liaisons or diverse lovers?

OR Do you believe God, that He can give you, within your marriage, immeasurably more than all you ask or imagine?

Les Christie says, “Why didn’t God make each of us attracted to one person of the opposite sex and one person only? Because by declaring our allegiance to one spouse despite the attraction to other people we are participating in a microcosm of what the Christian life is. God wants us to love Him and Him only despite the attraction of other gods of this world.

Today, whether you’re single or married, a child or a grandparent we would love for you to declare your allegiance to Jesus Christ. If you’ve already done that and you want to commit to membership here we invite you to meet me down front as we stand and sing.