When Forgiveness Feels Like Losing

This morning as we begin I would like to ask you to refer to the back of your Sunday Link or to our Parkade Baptist Church app Sermon notes section. In these two places is a small pop quiz that is only for you. Honestly answer the two questions. The first question is when you extend forgiveness to another person, does it feel like winning or losing and the second question is when you are receiving forgiveness due to an apology, does it feel like winning or losing? If neither fit, then please mark what you do feel.

As your considering these possibilities, I want to share of a time when I was in ninth grade laying on back in the middle of a street. I landed in that spot because an upper class man had pushed me off my bike. This was right when school let out and it felt really embarrassing as others watched on to this unfolding drama. I spent the next two weeks thinking about how I was going to repay this punk for these bullying practices. Well before you take sides I should let you know that he pushed me because I gave him the middle finger and called him something inappropriate. This though was precipitated due to him using his car to try and nudge my bike into the street. In reflecting back on that moment I now realize that we were both at fault. Yet at that moment, I placed the blame squarely on him. After all he did start it and who was I to back down. Force upon force had to be shown. Maybe it was simply me being angry.

At the end of the day I felt compelled to be right. I felt that my side needed to be justified. In fact the next day in some of my classes I asked some friends what they thought about it and then we took turns talking about how bad the guy in the car was to push me off my bike. I eagerly looked for others to come to my side to justify me and alienate this other group. It was us against them and our language inside this tribe was who was better.

This example shared with you is a true story and an example of tribalism. When hurt we lash out at others and call the alarm for others to come to our cause. We wave our banners of who is in our group and who is out of our group. These banners reflect more ideological claims than they reflect true logical grievances. Each side becomes more entrenched in their own ideas and after a while nobody can really remember who caused the problem because in the end all shared in it.

The challenge is how to forgive when I feel as if I am losing? I feel I am right in my position but now after the lines have been drawn and the groups are formed, how can I say I offer forgiveness or even receive forgiveness when it feels as if I must fall on the sword or take the banner I was waving to form my group and now tear it into pieces. After all my position has not changed, yet something inside me is hearing the voice of Jesus. I do not want to stay mad and the never ending conflict is not helping anyone.

Sometimes to change, it takes time, reflection, and understanding. It also requires a shift in us in order to change from an Us versus Them mindset. The Us versus Them mindset is an enemy making mindset and sits in a paradigm of only two spaces existing; for or against. Is it possible to find a different mindset? Is it possible to find a third space?

I want to start with Jonah who clearly demonstrated an Us versus Them mindset. Jonah was prophet who was called by God to call the city of Nineveh to repent. Instead of going to Nineveh, he ran in the opposite direction and nearly lost his life. After coming to his senses he went to Nineveh and preached to the citizens to repent. To his dismay they repented. In we are told “When God saw what they did, how they turned from their evil way, God relented of the disaster that he had said he would do to them, and he did not do it. But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was angry.” So the Lord says to him in 4:4, “Do you do well to be angry?” Later in verse 8 Jonah responds that he does do well to be angry.

Jonah was against this Assyrian city from the beginning of chapter one. These were enemies of the Jews. There was no room for forgiveness in the heart of Jonah. They deserved destruction and Jonah hoped to be proved right by them rejecting repentance. Yet God reminds Jonah that all people matter to Him and why should He not take pity on the 120,000 citizens of Nineveh? The pride of Jonah was getting in the way of having a compassionate heart.

The pride of being right and others being wrong keeps us locked in an Us versus Them two space paradigm. Jonah lived in this space. His nationalistic pride for the Jewish culture and his view of salvation earned through obedience of the Torah outweighed God’s love for all people and his mercy that he extends to all people. In fact God allows a plant to grow up, shade Jonah, and then die. God chides Jonah that he cares more about a plant that no longer provides him shade than the destruction of 120,000 people. Pride in what we do, who we are, what we have earned in life holds us bondage to our own ideas and our own love for our self.

Pride holds us in its grip and we make some pretty dumb decisions due to our pride. When we believe we have all the answers it is easy to betray others. We can betray friends, partners, even people we dearly love. We see this most evident with Judas and Peter in . Judas betrays Jesus with a kiss. “While he was still speaking, there came a crowd and the man called Judas, one of the twelve, was leading them. He drew near to Jesus to kiss him, but jesus said to him, “Judas would you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?” And so Judas turns in Jesus to the authorities.

Peter who Jesus said he would build his church on denies Jesus three times.

55 And when they had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and sat down together, Peter sat down among them. 56 Then a servant girl, seeing him as he sat in the light and looking closely at him, said, “This man also was with him.” 57 But he denied it, saying, “Woman, I do not know him.” 58 And a little later someone else saw him and said, “You also are one of them.” But Peter said, “Man, I am not.” 59 And after an interval of about an hour still another insisted, saying, “Certainly this man also was with him, for he too is a Galilean.” 60 But Peter said, “Man, I do not know what you are talking about.” And immediately, while he was still speaking, the rooster crowed.

In a matter of a few verses two of Jesus disciples give him up. Pride played a part. Peter asserts in 22:33 “Lord, I am ready to go with you both to prison and to death.” Yet he quickly changes his tune once Jesus is captured and Peter is surround by those who could easily turn him in to the authorities. There is also bad theology. The apostle would argue over who was greatest. Judas used Jesus for his own personal gain by stealing the money the disciples would collect for his own pockets. Peter saw Jesus for one who would overthrow the government and reestablish the royal Davidic kingdom.

Bad theology mixed with pride makes us believe that we are the ones who must earn or work for salvation. We believe that people and institutions like the church need to be in our image and our thinking. Just like Peter was looking for Jesus to be the great messiah we think that Jesus must be proven right through large attractive churches. I have yet to sit with leaders who say its too big. Fifty people at church would be a wonderful size. Yet pride and bad theology make us act like a story that was once told of a pastor who walked into his church and felt an overwhelming sense of God’s holiness. He went in the front, knelt at the altar rail, and began to beat himself on the chest, crying out, “O Lord I am nothing!”

Moments later, the minister of music entered the church. He too felt the overwhelming presence of God and knelt beside the pastor, striking his chest and saying, “O Lord I am nothing. I am nothing.” One by one, other staff members entered: the minister of recreation, the minister of education, and more - who all knelt, bemoaning their “nothingness” before the Almighty. The church custodian also got caught up in the revival, beating on his chest, and saying, “O Lord, I am nothing. I am nothing.” The pastor looked up, saw the janitor and nudged the minister of music. “Well, well,” he said. “Just look at who thinks he’s nothing!”

So how do we find a third space? This is not a space of Us versus Them. It is a space of forgiveness without feelings of loss over a position. It can become a space of learning and respect.

This space begins with healthy theology. We move beyond right living. We understand the law as showing us the true nature of ourselves. We understand that not our heritage, nationality, nor religion saves us. We are all enemies of God due to our corrupted nature. That which brings righteousness is not correct living but as Paul points out in that it is faith alone in Jesus that brings us into right relationship with God.

This takes a tremendous amount of humility. We are constantly at odds with each other through judgement. Just like the staff in our story who all said they were nothing still believed they were something among each other. I am having to learn these days that the church is more like a hospital than the lotto system. It is filled with people who are helpless and sick from sin. Some is easy to see but most of it is hidden or covered with masks. Each is in needing of healing and each are in different stages of healing. The church is not the lotto system where if you have enough people doing the right things then you are rewarded with a big building or a golden ticket. If you are looking for prosperity the church is not the place for it. It will only add to your frustration.

So where does this third space exist? I think it exists in the place of love and understanding. In this hospital the church, the only physician is Jesus. It is not the Bible Study leader and it is not your pastor. The healing you seek is found in the increase of your faith in Jesus. “For with the heart one believes and is justified and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.” .

This area of confession needs to start with those who believe. We must gather with those who do not share the same stances of life and enter into the space with humility. We enter into the space to learn and ask questions. We start with mercy and love and not righteous accusations. We trust the Holy Spirit to guide our conversations and we seek to understand but not to agree because it is not about winning sides but it is ultimately to understand held positions.

There was an experiment where 2 dozen boys were place in a camp. One dozen were placed on one end of the property and the other dozen were placed on the other end of the property. Neither group knew the other existed. This lasted for one week as each group of boys came to know all the members in their own group. Then in the second week the overseers let each group know of the others existence. They also placed competitive events between the two groups and inserted hardship into the midst of the groups. Eventually both groups hated each other and would raid the others camp. They were not enemies but were led to believe they were enemies due to the competitions and hardship.

This story is not the reality show Survivor but a psychological experiment taken place a number of years ago. We start our journey by being aware of what is happening to us. Only after we are aware and find the humility to not join a side can we find a third space. A space in which Jesus can abide and direct our hearts.