(Topical) Marriage Retreat: Biblical Communication: No Megaphone Needed.

INTRODUCTION:

WHITEBOARD: What have you learned about having good communication in your marriage?

Talking about communication

To me, talking about communication,

is like talking about what is like to be perfect.

I conceptualize it … but I can never actually go and do it.

I find this particular subject to be easy to conceptualize,

but hard to live it.

CAVEAT:

I don’t stand here today thinking,

wow - look at me, I am great communicator with my wife.

ILLUSTRATION:

I remember being engaged … and I learned my wife had never had a enchilada.

So I preceded to go to the store, pick out what I needed, and make it for her.

So I get the aisle and ask her - do you want green or red enchilada’s?

And I get the aisle and realize I can’t

She says - I don’t care … I have never had either.

And then realize I can’t tell the difference between the two.

I read the can … but can’t find anywhere it says.

You have to be able to look at the can and see green or red on it.

I am color deficient -

So I ask her - which one red and which one is green.

And she says - I told I don’t care.

And I say no - which one red and which one is green.

And she says - I told I don’t care.

And I say no - which one red and which one is green.

So finally I say, no I can’t tell the color.

Which one is red and which one is green.

While unknown to us … there is an older lady in the aisle who is just dying laughing as we just try to communicate.

So I don’t stand here … thinking I have this all figured out.

CAVEAT:

So I don’t stand here today thinking,

wow - look at me, I am great communicator with my wife.

If anything - I stand here because I believe good communication is essential to a healthy marriage.

And desire to be a better communicator myself.

Both had grown up in Christian homes.

And both hoped to

Stuart Scott, Exemplary Husband, says:

“One of the biggest obstacles to a good marriage is poor communication. We could even say that a marriage relationship is only as good as a couple’s ability to send and receive the right message.”

George C. Scipione, Sword and the Shovel, says:

“Without Godly communication, marital unity is impossible”.

We have to learn to have good communication if we want to have health marriages.

This topic is not only challenging to live it,

Yet, tell me what

but tell me

So where do we start?

There are a number of passages

I think we start by recognizing -

1) The Danger of our Words: Our words can be sinful and cause lots or hardships. (, )

Proverbs 4:22–23 ESV

22 For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh. 23 Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.

Proverbs 4:23–24 ESV

23 Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. 24 Put away from you crooked speech, and put devious talk far from you.

We can’t say

- it just slipped out.

- it was an accident.

Because those words came from somewhere.

Our words are reflection of our heart.

I realize we sometimes say things rashly and without thinking.

But that rashness and corruptness came from somewhere.

And it came from our heart.

Why are our words dangerous?

Good communication starts with careful protecting and keeping of our heart.

a) Our words can be sinful and cause lots or hardships. (, )

Proverbs 21:23 ESV

23 Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.

James 3:5–12 ESV

5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. 7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. 11 Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? 12 Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.

James 3:5–10 ESV

5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. 7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.

Incredible imagery .... our words can be compared to a wild fire set ablaze.

And our marriages can feel like that.

One unwise or corrupt word … can be like wild fire set ablaze in our marriages.

So let’s consider - what are -

2) The Components of Godly Communication.

CAVEAT:

I don’t think this is an exhaustive list.

but is a list that contains the bare essentials of Godly communication.

We must understand -

a) A wise spouse cultivates a heart of godliness. ()

Psalm 141:3 ESV

3 Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!

1) Our words precede from our hearts. ()

Proverbs 4:23–24 ESV

23 Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. 24 Put away from you crooked speech, and put devious talk far from you.

We can’t say

- it just slipped out.

- it was an accident.

Because those words came from somewhere.

Our words are reflection of our heart.

I realize we sometimes say things rashly and without thinking.

But that rashness and corruptness came from somewhere.

And it came from our heart.

Good communication starts with careful protecting and keeping of our heart.

Good marriages have spouses who guard their hearts.

Further,

b) A wise spouse will be quick to listen and slow to speak. (, )

Proverbs 18:13 ESV

13 If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.

James 1:19 ESV

19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;

Failing to listen …

shutsdown communication

shows a lack of concern

shows arrogance.

Failing to listen makes it impossible to

Solve problems

Work together.

Husband Application

One of the biggest fears for ladies is to be married to a spouse

who won’t listen

who is quick to tell them how it is.

Wife Application

One of the biggest fears of a husband is -

A nagging wife

who won’t listen.

Both of these stem from a problem of being slow to listen, and quick to speak.

Be careful to pay attention to the Words of your spouse,

and be careful not to speak to quickly to your spouse.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Good marriages have spouses who are quick to listen and slow to speak.

c) A wise spouse will guard their lips. (, )

Be careful to pay attention to the Words of your spouse,

and be careful not to speak to quickly to your spouse.

Additionally,

c) A wise spouse will guard their lips. (, )

The heart is the epicenter of our choices,

but the lips are the place where bad communication happens.

Because of this - the Bible warns us to guard our lips.

Be careful and mindful of what you say.

Proverbs 10:14 ESV

14 The wise lay up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool brings ruin near.

Psalm 141:3 ESV

3 Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!

Think about this -

A fool blurts out without thinking,

but a wise man will guard his lips.

We must realize our immediate reactions can be wrong or even sinful.

We must realize we need to guard our lips from blurting out sin.

Good marriages have spouses who guard their lips.

d) A wise spouse will use words that are Christ exalting. (, )

One of the blessings of the cross - is that we can now live lead by the Spirit rather then the flesh.

Is it merely the heart?

Is it merely deeds?

I would say - that

It is interesting that in many ways - the actions we are told to put off or to put on - are partly manifested in our words.

Put off/Put to death.

Colossians 3:8–9 ESV

8 But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. 9 Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices

Put on/Live in the Spirit

Galatians 5:22–26 ESV

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

Good marriages have spouses who seek to be lead by the Spirit in their Words rather then the flesh.

e) A wise spouse will always tell the truth in love. (, )

Truth telling is one of the ways we fail to communicate in our marriages.

Often -

And there are several wrong extremes

We tell the truth harshly, without love or care,

Or we bury the truth - hoping to avoid conflict.

Or we out right lie to our spouses - again to avoid conflict.

None of these are Biblical.

Consider first,

Christians ought not to lie.

Leviticus 19:11 ESV

11 “You shall not steal; you shall not deal falsely; you shall not lie to one another.

Colossians 3:9 ESV

9 Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices

We are truth tellers.

When dishonesty enters our marriage … it is like putting the brakes on a good marriage.

It takes two seconds to lie, but a long time to rebuild trust.

So we need to be careful to be truthful in our marriages.

Secondly

We need to speak the truth.

Ephesians 4:15 ESV

15 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,

To often we avoid the truth to avoid conflict,

but people who truly love each other will speak the truth to each other.

Colossians 3:9 ESV

9 Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices

Marriage is supposed to be the one place where you both are able to grow in Christ,

but that can’t happen if we avoid telling the truth.

Our spouse should be the one person who loves us enough to tell us when we are wrong

but that can’t happen if we avoid telling the truth.

We must not only be careful not to lie, but to tell the truth in love to our spouse.

Good marriages are careful to lovingly speak the truth into each others lives.

CONCLUSION:

So I hope this list is helpful.

It is not exhaustive,

but I believe they are key elements of good communication in marriage.

As you consider this list,

consider which areas you struggle with the most … and work on better communication.

I believe good Biblical communication is a sign of a healthy marriage -

So I challenge us to consider how we honor Christ with our words.

ILLUSTRATION:

Let me end this way.

Often we feel like - we need a giant megaphone to get through to our spouse.

You have told your spouse a 100 times … but it is like they are not listening.

You have

But - let’s be honest. Speaking louder doesn’t mean they will hear any better.

In fact … they might shutdown and begin to ignore you.

But if we begin to communicate Biblically ...

we might be surprised how much better we actually can communicate and tackle the real issues of life.

George C. Scipione, Sword and the Shovel, says:

“Without Godly communication, marital unity is impossible”.