How NOT to Lose a Spouse

There is a romantic comedy movie that came out in 2003 entitled, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I must confess that I’ve never watched this movie, since the title makes me cringe. Yet, I did read several reviews and synopses about this movie and I must say it does look somewhat humorous. Part of the plot is how the woman keeps ruining relationships by doing things which cause those relationships to self-destruct. I have to add a spoiler that the movie concludes much differently than the title would lead you to believe.

In the whole scheme of 1 Peter, one overriding principle keeps coming to the forefront. How we live our lives in multiple areas and in various situations has a tremendous impact on our Gospel witness to a watching world. We’ve already seen that submission is essential and required by God in relation to the government and to our employers. As the circle of influence narrows, we will be reading in this section that God also requires submission in the family unit. All of these make a difference to the unbelieving world about what they see in us regarding our relationship to Jesus Christ.

Again, it is imperative that we remember the context in which Peter was writing. In that culture, women were seen as being of much less value than men. However, when a wife became saved and the husband did not, the culture saw this as the wife being defiant and belligerent, which could cause major problems. You will also notice what seems like a huge difference between men and women, in that the majority of the verses are directed towards the women.

In our culture today, we certainly don’t need any encouragement to get rid of a partner. So if you are reading books or watching shows that promote that, please stop. Simply saying that God is part of our marriage doesn’t really make a difference since we see many Christian marriages on the brink of disaster. If only one of the two is a Christian, this makes matters even more difficult.

Submission is an essential part of a marriage becoming a lifelong testimony of God’s grace and blessing to one another and to the world.

What I will be sharing today from 1 Peter may rub some people the wrong way. That is not my intent. I simply would like for you to listen carefully and see if there’s something God would have you do or encourage someone else to do so that the marriage would become stronger and something that will be a blessing to each spouse and will glorify God.

For those of you who are not married, there are some principles which can also be applied in your lives. I want to add, though you are not married, you are just as special as those who are married. In fact, you can also be a great encouragement in your lifestyle to those who are married for they can get so easily distracted from that which is truly important—growing in Christ and becoming more like Him every day.

Submission is Seen in Behavior - 3:1-2

We need to be reminded of the status of women during the Greco-Roman period. There was virtually no respect for the woman. If a woman lived at home and was single, her father had ultimate power and authority over her, even to the point where he could call for her death. Husbands had the same type of authority in that culture. Thus, if a wife became saved, it was as if she had changed her religion without consulting her husband. As a result, the culture gave the husband permission to abuse her any way he chose.

What do you do with that mindset? You and I already know from and that if the husband wants to stay married, she is supposed to stay married to him. We also know that if the husband says that he will not stay in that situation, she doesn’t need to push the issue. Thus, she has been set free as if her husband has died.

In addition, we know that women are equal to men from what Paul writes in , there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus . However, as we read in , there is a call to submission.

1 Peter 3:1–2 NASB95

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.

New American Standard Bible: 1995 Update Chapter 3

aIn the same way, you wives, bbe submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be cwon without a word by the behavior of their wives,

2 as they observe your chaste and 1respectful behavior.

1 Peter 3:1-2

Be submissive is immediately commanded, yet follows the phrase In the same way. The context is that just as submission is required for civil authorities and for employers or masters, wives are to be submissive to [their] own husbands. It needs to be very clear that submission is not suggesting that the person submitting is of lesser value or is in any way inferior to the one to whom they are submitting. Neither is this giving permission for a dictatorship within the home. It is simply God’s design and order. (By the way, Peter is not suggesting that wives submit to all men. The focus is their own husbands.)

Submission is not a dirty word, if used properly. We recall that Christ was submissive to His Father’s will. We also should remember what Paul said in Ephesian 5:21, where husbands and wives are to submit to one another.

Ephesians 5:21 NASB95

and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

The phrase disobedient to the Word is simply an expression regarding the husband’s rejection of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. However, all is not lost. As a result of the wife’s willingness to continue to submit to him, it is that example which might be what is necessary to bring her husband to the point of seeking salvation through Jesus Christ. And it can be done without a word. This isn’t referencing God’s Word, but rather the fact that the wife doesn’t have to preach at him. In other words, the believing wife can have an amazing testimony without words by her living in submission to her husband. That doesn’t mean she can’t share God’s Word with Him. But sharing God’s Word while not being submissive will have a negative effect.

It’s amazing how the wife has such a profound influence on her husband by simply being obedient to the Bible. Verse 2 speaks of chaste and respectful behavior. Chaste speaks of having a pure lifestyle towards God, as well as her husband. Respectful is from the Greek word phobos, which means fear. This shows a fear of the Lord and a desire to be obedient to God.

Submission is Seen in Beauty - 3:3-6

Peter has taken some time to speak to the behavior of the wife which could lead to salvation of the husband. But there was another issue that was a problem with the women. That was in how they were attempting to be very much like the unsaved women who focused on keeping their man, or simply bought into what society said was beauty, by all the outward things which were thought to enhance her beauty.

1 Peter 3:3–6 NASB95

Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

The word for adornment is actually the Greek word kosmos. Most of us guys are nodding our heads thinking that is where we get the English equivalent, cosmos, which describes the God-ordered universe. However, there will be some ladies that will soon be nodding their heads when we recognize that another English word that stems from this Greek word is cosmetic. This usage of the word in this context is what makes the most sense.

Please understand what Peter is not saying, which some would teach he is saying. The text is very clear by the use of the word merely that Peter is not condemning wives from being pretty and dressing nicely, wearing stylish clothes or jewelry, or from having a nice hairdo. For those who suggest that those things are being frowned upon by Peter, they need to just take a few minutes and read the Song of Solomon as to how that lady was quite beautiful, if not decked out to be quite attractive. Even when Jesus discusses fasting, He encourages people to fix themselves up and not draw attention to themselves by looking badly.

I shared earlier that the women in that culture spent a great deal of time spending money and time to make themselves look a specific way, satisfied only with the latest and greatest in get-ups. Sounds very much like our world today. Throughout the Bible, particularly in Isaiah and Jeremiah, there are warnings and judgments pronounced on the ridiculous focus on the outward appearance. Even Peter’s use of wearing and putting on in verse 3 carries the idea of putting around, in particular, excessive displays of jewelry and overly fancy clothing.

Peter would not suggest that wives ignore presenting themselves in lovely ways for their husbands. However, he writes to them of the need to focus on the hidden person of the heart. As Warren Wiersbe states, the Christian wife is not to major on external decorations but on internal character. The focus is on the spiritual beauty and personality of the wife and not on the temporal outward trappings. In fact, the word used is imperishable which is what continues forever for those who belong to Jesus. Godliness is where the energy needs to be spent. Gentle and quiet spirit describes a wife who has a humble and meek temperament, which is seen also in the patient way in which she responds to her husband. This is truly precious in the sight of God. This is as a result of her being saved and living in obedience to Christ with the outlook of her husband coming to salvation.

This all being said, it is not honoring to God nor to the husband, if the wife tries to look as homely and plain as possible. This seems to be nearly as offensive and oppositional to the Gospel as to be the glamour queen in order to draw attention to the outward. True beauty is not something which can be put on a person. What is important? That which is valuable? Or that which is expensive? Value is tied into God. Expensiveness is tied into the world.

Peter goes on in verse 5 to cite examples from the Old Testament. The holy women also, who hoped in God, were examples of the principles which Peter was commanding regarding submission and focusing on inward beauty in godliness. Their beauty was seen in their submissiveness to their husbands. Sarah is given as an example, which they all would have recognized. As a result of following the example of Sarah, they would, in a sense, become her children, as we read in verse 6.

You will notice that in verse 6, it is as if Peter is letting the wives know that there are no guarantees as to the outcome. You see, doing what is right, doesn’t guarantee us the results we are hoping for some of the time. The husband could respond in a wonderful way, or he could respond in a very hostile way, through abuse, or leaving her. In fact, the Greek word for fear describes a very frightening or terrifying situation. However, the wife can know that if she does what is right, that God will honor her.

Submission is Seen in Benevolence - 3:7

Husbands, there is only one verse directed to you, but I dare say, it is one in which we all can improve on and have not yet attained.

1 Peter 3:7 NASB95

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

In the Christian home, chivalry need not be dead. It’s been suggested that during the courting and dating period, the man would go to any lengths to be as gentlemanly as possible. However, once the marriage I do was said, the knight’s armor began to start rusting, as the husband often no longer practiced his chivalry. Some of you may be wondering what is meant by chivalry. Some words that would fit with chivalry might be, courtesy, courage, fairness, valiance, courtliness, politeness.

Peter tells husbands to live with you wives in an understanding way. In other words, be considerate and kind to your wife. Don’t be harsh, but rather be sensitive. Treat her as you would a delicate flower that has incredible value; such that you would not skimp on giving that flower exactly what is needed lest it start to wilt. Husbands must continually recognize and show value in our wife. This also would mean that time has to be spent observing and studying and getting to better know your wife. Interestingly, a survey taken many years ago, showed that the average time husbands and wives actually spent visiting together was 37 minutes per week. We want to do better than that.

Now Peter’s next phrase gets some people upset. But let’s look at what Peter says without any preconceived notions. . . . as with someone weaker, since she is a woman. This is not to be understood in a demeaning manner, nor is it a passive-aggressive way of speaking. There is no thought of inferiority regarding the wife. She is not less intelligent, nor is she just a flipperty-gibbet. I read recently that Mrs. Albert Einstein was asked as to whether she actually understood the theory of relativity which her husband had shared. I love her response: No, but I understand the doctor. Heaven forbid, someone should think she was a less spiritual person than her husband. Most all of us husbands would wish for the depth of spirituality that our wives have. All Peter is saying is that the wives have less physical strength than men, as a general rule. Thus, the men ought to do all they can to make sure their wives feel safe and protected and provided for.

Heaven forbid, someone would think she was a less spiritual person than her husband. Most all of us husbands would wish for the depth of spirituality of our wives. All Peter is saying is that the wives have less physical strength than men, as a general rule. Thus, the men ought to do all they can to make sure their wives feel safe and protected and provided for.

The last phrase in verse 7 was a concept that was not even considered in the culture of the Greco-Roman empire. Even on a sit-com, Last Man Standing, it was humorously suggested that it was not possible for a married couple to be friends with each other because they were married. However, in God’s grace, marriage was provided to also provide companionship and friendship at its most intimate level. Wives were normally expected to simply have children and keep the house running efficiently. Even though most husbands may not consider themselves the best at conversations, we do well to honor our wives by developing and deepening that special friendship. Our wife is not our servant, but rather our companion.

Interestingly, Peter alludes to the fact that our prayers will not be hindered if we show proper benevolence. If we take this text to its ultimate conclusion, Peter is stating that if the husband is not doing right by his wife, God may not respond to his prayers. Gentlemen, that is some serious stuff to consider. That is as if God is cutting off effective communication with Him if we don’t take care of our wives.

Conclusion

Submission is an essential part of a marriage becoming a lifelong testimony of God’s grace and blessing to one another and to the world.

Behavior is observed by the world. If submission is only when things are going your way, then there really isn’t any submission. Treat your husband like a prince or a king.

Your inner beauty if far more noticeable than focusing only on the outside beauty. The most beautiful women there are are those who are living to develop the inner person for the glory of Christ.

Benevolence in the form of Christian chivalry is also an incredible witness of God’s working in your life. Treat your wife like a princess or a queen. Be that chivalrous, shining knight in armor.

Submission is an essential part of a marriage becoming a lifelong testimony of God’s grace and blessing to one another and to the world.

Let me add a little bonus that I am borrowing from Warren Wiersbe for a little self-assessment of our marriages and areas that might be uncovered that we all could use a little help on. And by the way, I’d like to promote the Weekend to Remember coming up in April as a means of enriching marriages. Talk with Chuck and Patty Gallison about this. Okay, now for the questions.

1. Are we partners or competitors?

2. Are we helping each other become more spiritual?

3. Are we depending on the externals or the eternals? The artificial or the real?

4. Do we understand each other better?

5. Are we sensitive to each other’s feelings and ideas, or taking each other for granted?

6. Are we seeing God answer our prayers?

7. Are we enriched because of our marriage, or robbing each other of God’s blessing?