Difficult Conversations (5-3-2020)

“Difficult Conversations” Devotional for 5-3-20 Beginning Scripture: James 3: 5 and 6 “So also the tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do. A great forest can be set on fire by one tiny spark. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is full of wickedness, and poisons every part of the body. And the tongue is set on fire by hell itself and can turn our whole lives into a blazing flame of destruction and disaster.” The Living Bible This rather sober cautionary message from James sets the stage for a topic and area of great interest to me over the last many years, the subject of conflict and conflict resolution, a subject not often discussed in some churches – and churches where there are many serious conflicts resulting in great harm and division. God: The Great Mystery The more I study Proverbs, the more admiration I have for Solomon and the other writers. Solomon has so many wise things to say about relationships in Chapter 25. He begins by pointing out the mystery that surrounds God. God hides aspects of himself from us because he knows we couldn’t take him in in one gulp, or see him all at once. Remember the scene when God passes by Moses, and does not allow him to see his face, only his back. There is a lesson here - for me anyway. Since I cannot see all or even a big part of God, I must have faith. I can only see God through a glass dimly, as Paul explains to the Corinthians. God will always be mysterious to us in this life. Qualities of a Good Leader Solomon also describes the qualities of a good leader, one of which is to investigate and gather as much information as possible to speak and rule wisely. Solomon himself left his palace and went out into the neighborhoods. He listened to and helped ordinary people deal with their problems and aided them in securing justice. He was always searching for knowledge of nature and human behavior. I think it is a tribute to Solomon that he mingled with the lowly to get their perspectives and acquire what knowledge they had. I think Jesus understood this path to wisdom-through-humility. He advised this: when someone invites you to a wedding feast – take the lowest place in the room. In Luke 14:11 Jesus says: “For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Solomon also counseled those who would be leaders to be godly and selfless. They also should surround themselves with people of godly character. Counsel for Relationships Remember, Solomon was counseling people about what they should do in their relationships. So the thing I want to focus on now is what he said people should do when they have a conflict with each other. This advice is especially relevant today, in a society prone to self-centeredness, materialism and greed. As a prelude to this advice I want to tell you about an incident I was involved in many many years ago when we had neighbors who were renting the house next door to us. They had the bad habit of parking their cars on the grass, jutting their front-ends into “our” yard. I really didn’t know the neighbors and my first thought was to report them to the city for legal action. That’s pretty bad isn’t it? I have to say I was a lot younger and stupider then. But I don’t think I was that different from many people who want to rush to court to settle disputes in our culture full of legalistic drama. Having Difficult Conversations The truth is, most people try to avoid difficult conversations every day - whether dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with a spouse, or negotiating with someone. The Harvard Negotiation Project has much advice about dealing with difficult conversations. In fact a whole book was written about it. These are some of the things they suggest - with some of my own language added: 1. Try to start a conversation about a dispute without defensiveness on your part. 2. Listen carefully. Listen for unspoken meanings underneath what is said, try hard to read the person between the lines. 3. Don’t let attacks or accusations throw you all out of balance. Stand firm, but listen. 4. Don’t deny emotions. Avoid telling people they “shouldn’t feel this way.” That will just put them off, probably even pretty badly. Then, after this period of listening, eventually try to move on from emotion, putting an emphasis on helpful problem solving. Now, for just a moment, let me go back to my unfortunate idea of running to the legal system with my neighbor when I could have just gone to their front door, knocked on it, and had a polite, good-humored and respectful conversation. Solomon counsels against going right into court. He said that conflict ought to be settled personally and privately if possible by the least invasive means available: He says in Proverbs 25:9 and 10 : “Don’t be hotheaded and rush to court! You may start something you can’t finish and go down before your neighbor in shameful defeat.” (Living Bible) Kindness and Tone Our Sunday School lesson says that care should be exercised with the words and tone one uses in communicating concern. Proverbs 23, verses 11 and 12 say this: The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry, And a wise friend’s timely reprimand is like a gold ring slipped on your finger. (The Message) “Words of kindness and wisdom often effectively diffuse tension and make possible a peaceful resolution of difficult situations.” Words have power for good or bad. (Sunday School lesson p. 67) Listen to Proverbs 25:15 “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.” (NIV) The Free Will Baptist Approach to Conflict I am so very impressed with the manner in which Free Will Baptists are advised to deal with conflict. Our pastor explained it this way, giving ample Biblical references to support each of these items: Generally speaking, Free Will Baptists discourage Christians from suing other Christians and come very near to prohibiting church members from suing fellow church members. In addition, the following are advised or required: 1. If possible overlook the wrong.  Show grace and give forgiveness since we ourselves have been the recipients of grace and forgiveness.  Our pastor goes on to say that he has known Free Will Baptists to forgive an unpaid debt when they could have legally taken the person to court over it.  2. Where it is not possible to overlook the wrong, go to the person and try to settle it quickly between yourselves. 3. If the matter cannot be settled between the two members they should get two other church members to act as witnesses or mediators in the dispute. 4. If the dispute can’t be solved this way there are numerous other steps to be taken involving such people as church elders, deacons, church advisory boards, etc. 5. There is no prohibition against suing those outside of the church, but as a general rule we still encourage people to overlook the wrong suffered - whenever possible - by extending grace and forgiveness.  Again, I am struck by the way people are advised or directed to settle disputes within their relationships by interacting with each other rather than by involving civil authorities. These are difficult conversations but they are worth it to keep people in relationship and within the church community. Here are a couple of the Biblical passages that are the basis for this conflict resolution counsel: Matthew 5: 25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way…” 1 Corinthians 6:1 “If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the Lord’s people?” Morsel of Wisdom: Dealing with a Disagreement I cannot end this devotional without sharing one more little morsel of wisdom – this time about how to deal with someone with whom you disagree and I think it is well-thought out advice: If you think someone is wrong, first point out where they are right, and then advise them to try to see it from another perspective. People are usually open to seeing other perspectives while they might not be open to seeing where they are wrong. Prayer Father, thank you for the wisdom of Solomon and our church members and leaders. Help us to gather the courage to face people with whom we have a dispute or a disagreement and to face them with kindness, grace and love. We ask your continued protection from the coronavirus for people throughout the world, especially for our health and medical professionals. In the name of Jesus Christ our precious Savior we pray, Amen.