Pre-Marital Counseling Session 2

Key Ideas

The goal of marital communication is

spiritual growth – to use your words to help your spouse look more like Christ.

union in marriage –to achieve a oneness of understanding.

responsible, loving, careful speech – to use our words to build up and not to tear each other down.

Our Model for communication is the incarnation

the Son of God took on flesh and entered into our experience. He was tempted like we were tempted, etc. Just like Christ, a husband and wife’s call is to use words to enter into their spouse’s experience and to understand their spouse.

Review

Goal of Marriage

Briefly stated, Scripture teaches that marriage is a profound and marvelous relationship—a mystery, established by God for his glory. When we speak of bringing glory to God (as we will throughout this book), we mean doing that which, to some degree, accurately reveals and represents him and appropriately honors and responds to him for who he is in his perfection and power. Thus, marriage brings glory to God by displaying as fully as possible how he relates to his people through Jesus Christ.

Ricucci, Gary. Love That Lasts (Foreword by CJ and Carolyn Mahaney): When Marriage Meets Grace (p. 20). Crossway. Kindle Edition.

As it applies to marriage, we can define fellowship as sharing all of life so as to reflect our union with Christ and deepen our relational intimacy with one another so as to glorify God and grow in godliness.

Ricucci, Gary. Love That Lasts (Foreword by CJ and Carolyn Mahaney): When Marriage Meets Grace (p. 69). Crossway. Kindle Edition.

Scripture Study Guide for Biblical Communication

Instructions: Read Matt 12:22-37; Eph 4:17-32; James 3:1-18; 4:1-10. Below you will find a list of verses and questions that help you think about the text. For each verse, explain briefly what the verse means and how it applies to marriage. (Note that I’ve only included a few lines to write on because I want you to be brief!)

Matthew 12:22–37 ESV

22 Then a demon-oppressed man who was blind and mute was brought to him, and he healed him, so that the man spoke and saw. 23 And all the people were amazed, and said, “Can this be the Son of David?” 24 But when the Pharisees heard it, they said, “It is only by Beelzebul, the prince of demons, that this man casts out demons.” 25 Knowing their thoughts, he said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and no city or house divided against itself will stand. 26 And if Satan casts out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then will his kingdom stand? 27 And if I cast out demons by Beelzebul, by whom do your sons cast them out? Therefore they will be your judges. 28 But if it is by the Spirit of God that I cast out demons, then the kingdom of God has come upon you. 29 Or how can someone enter a strong man’s house and plunder his goods, unless he first binds the strong man? Then indeed he may plunder his house. 30 Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters. 31 Therefore I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven people, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. 32 And whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come. 33 “Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad, for the tree is known by its fruit. 34 You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. 35 The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. 36 I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, 37 for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

(focus on vs. 33-37)

Questions: How do you recognize a tree (v. 33)? If the good and bad trees are meant to be a word picture for human beings, what does the “fruit” represent? What is the connection between the heart and the mouth (v. 34)? What’s the relationship of your “empty” or “careless” words and God’s judgment (vs. 36-37)?

Explanation:

Application to marriage:

Ephesians 4:29 ESV

29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Questions: What should not come out of your mouth? What should come out of your mouth? What is meant by the phrase “according to their needs” (NIV) or “as fits the occasion” (ESV)?

Explanation:

Application to marriage:

James 3:1–18 ESV

1 Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. 2 For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. 3 If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. 4 Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. 5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. 7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. 11 Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? 12 Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. 13 Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. 15 This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. 18 And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

Questions: James gives several word pictures—bits in horses’ mouths; small rudders for ships; and a fire (vs. 3-6). Explain what each of these word pictures mean in regards to the tongue. Who can tame the tongue (vs. 7-8)? James creates contrasts in vs. 9 – 12 (praise and cursing; fresh and salt water flowing from the same spring; etc.). What’s the point of these contrasts?

Explanation:

Application to marriage:

James 4:1–10 ESV

1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. 4 You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? 6 But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” 7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

Questions: Where do fights and quarrels come from? Why does James call his readers “adulterous” (vs. 4)? What attitude/posture will transform the way you communicate (vs. 6-7, 10)?

Explanation:

Application to marriage: