The Christian and Marriage: A Word to Husbands

1 Peter 3:7 The Christian and Marriage (A Word to Husbands) Introduction: During the last few decades our culture has redefined the meaning and responsibilities of man and woman in society and in the home. Many men are confused and insecure. Many do not know how to act in the home. Growing up, they lacked a good model for leadership at home and have no mental picture of what it means to lead a family. Consequently, they do not lead effectively, or they do not even try. Increasingly, many men are becoming passive in the home. They've decided that the easiest thing to do is nothing. The simplest thing-with the smallest risk-is to stay on the fence with both feet firmly planted in mid-air and let the wife do it. When a man is married to a strong wife who will take over, he often lets her do just that. This should not be the case for Christian marriage. It is clear from scripture that it is the man’s God given responsibility to lead and guard the marriage! I think that a huge factor in the failure of christian and non-christian marriages is from the man forsaking his responsibility as leader and head. 80% of books on the subject of marriage are purchased by women. Generally speaking if there is an issue in the marriage it is usually the woman that is first to seek help. This should not be the case, for it is men that God has called to lead and protect the marriage. Peter Only addresses one verse to husbands, presumably because his focus was on those who were liable to experience oppression from authorities rather than those who actually exercised authority. But the path of Christian living is no different for the husband than for the wife. Both are called to follow Christ in humble and compassionate love, accepting rebuffs with forgiving grace. But since the husbands role is different, the form of his service is different. The wife is called to be submissive to her husband; the husband is called to love and honor his wife. That honor includes considerate understanding. Again it seems that Peter as well as Paul place both the physical leadership and spiritual leadership of the marriage on the Man.....But let’s make it clear what that leadership looks like. It is servant leadership modeled for us in the person of Jesus Christ, who though he was/is Lord and master over all, served others, and met the needs of others and not his own. Like so with the husband. Although the Bible does teach submission in marriage it does not hold a chauvinistic view of marriage but one of loving complimentary service. “A complementarian husband does not exercise his authority absent of any authority over him. The Bible that grounds his authority describes his responsibilities, so he submits to God’s authority, and he is under the authority of a local church. Contrary to caricature, the complementarian husband who uses his views as a license to shut out his wife’s counsel, to forsake her cherishing and freedom, and to deny her flourishing and edification is not a complementarian at all, but a selfish brute in need of sharp rebuke and church discipline. And if the situation calls for it (physical abuse or any other compromise of safety), legal justice.” -Jared Wilson 1. A Word to Husbands a. “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” i. Be Understanding 1. "The Greek term gnosis has a variety of meanings, but here it is not analytical knowledge, or religious insight that is intended, but personal insight that leads to loving and considerate care, whether in the bedroom or in other activities of marriage. (spiritual, emotional, mental, physical, and sexual) 2. It is a consideration of her needs, her fears, her wants. And then seeing her nourished in these areas. 3. It is knowing her needs as well as considering the delicacy of her nature and her feelings. a. "I would say that most marital difficulties center around one fact-men and women are totally different. The differences (emotional, mental, and physical) are so extreme that without concentrated effort to understand them, it is nearly impossible to have a happy marriage. A famous psychiatrist once said, "after thirty years of studying women, I ask myself, 'what is it that they really want? If this was his conclusion, just imagine how little we know about our wives.” -Gary Smalley 4. Husbands we need to make understanding our wives a huge focus of our responsibility in our marriage. a. What happens so often is the man does not understand his wife, and finds it frustrating to continually try, or maybe he finds her convictions or fears unwarranted, or irrational. b. This will often cause the husband and wife to begin to live two parallel lives. She doesn’t share her heart for fear of being judged, misunderstood, and he doesn’t ask to avoid conflict, or frustration). Sure they're still together (not separated physically, not divorced) but it would be false to say that they live and act as one flesh. 5. Peter Encouragement/exhortation is this: Men, direct your marriage don’t drift in your marriage. a. “Most marriages develop their characteristic pattern not by design but by drift. Courses of least resistance following one’s own desires in the like in time develop into patterns. But you will never drift into God’s pattern. It will come only by repentance, by prayerful understanding and by conscious decision to follow it. That decision must be backed by a continued daily awareness of what you are doing and a repetitive effort to realize God’s design in all you do. You must choose between drift and decision. Decide now to reshape your marriage according to God’s great plan set forth in the pattern of Christ for His church. If you do your marriage will be blessed more and more as it grows. Not drifts. Into the shape designed by God.” -Jared Wilson ii. Show Honor - to the weaker vessel. 1. Scripture show that of the two creatures of God, male and female, the woman is the weaker in body and therefore generally more vulnerable. The sense of weaker is not weaker in mind, or morality (and opinion commonly held by both Greeks and Jews) nor weaker in conscience, for the previous exhortation has just called women to feats of moral and spiritual strength as independent moral agents, but weaker physically and for that reason more vulnerable. a. (The vulnerability in women sharing their emotions and feelings demonstrates that they are more courageous it should be seen as a strength and not a weakness.) 2. It normally was quite easy for a husband to abuse his wife physically or sexually, or because of his social power, including the power to divorce, to intimidate her emotionally. 3. All of this Peter rules out! Especially because of her vulnerability the husband is to be sure to honor his wife in word and deed; rather than exploiting his power or denying that he has it, he lends it to her, using his power for her honor). a. How do we honor our wives? i. It means that we speak well of our wives, and to our wives. It would also include deeds that show that the person is honored. It is a proper respect and deference to the person. 1. I’ve seen certain husbands Publicly expose their wives insecurities, which is so bothersome, and yet I’ve been guilty of this myself. Honoring our wife means that we protect her from exposure, we speak respectfully of them and to them in both public and private settings. a. Men find ways to show your wife and others that she is precious to you.... Like friends sit in the back seat.. Just little things. 2. The Importance of Understanding and Honor to the Health of your Marriage. a. This involves communication. There isn’t anything that nourishes and cherishes more than communication. Women love talk. My wife loves to talk right before bed... b. Secondly, encouragement nourishes and cherishes. There is so much to encourage in our wives. They should live daily in the sounds of their husbands pronouncing encouragement over them. In Proverbs 31 when the children rise up to bless their mother it is because they have a father who exemplifies this. c. It is for the husband to come in and provide an eternal perspective on the fruit that is being cultivated and the effect of motherhood on the lives of those children. d. Men we need to Cherish our wives. From what I can tell, that is synonymous with romance. e. How does your wife define romance? What makes her feel special? A wife’s challenge is to provide specific examples and receive her husband’s attempt when he responds. Her challenge is to receive his expression as a sincere attempt. Communicate what makes you feel special. 3. Two Reasons for Peter’s Command. a. Our wives are heirs with us of the grace of life. i. Our wives are not just our wives, they are first and foremost daughters of the almighty God (and therefore inheritors of the divine nature) and therefore should be treated with love, and respect. ii. By relating to our wives with this perspective we show forth the rule and reign of God’s kingdom. God’s kingdom and rule is liberating, it is equality, love and service. It is so opposite to the self seeking, self asserting, self glorifying ways of the world and the norms in marriage. Godly, biblical marriages are a huge witness in a culture like ours. So the first reason Peter gives is to show the true reality of things and to be evangelistic. b. Unhindered Prayer i. “So concerned is God that Christian husbands live in an understanding and loving way with their wives, that he "interrupts" his relationship with them when they are not doing so. No Christian husband should presume to think that any spiritual good will be accomplished by his life without an effective ministry of prayer. And no husband may expect an effective prayer life unless he lives with his wife "in an understanding way, bestowing honor" on her. To take the time to develop and maintain a good marriage is God's will; it is serving God; it is a spiritual activity pleasing in his sight.” -Wayne Grudem ii. The physical wedge creates a spiritual wedge - the prayers are hindered. iii. I think of the story Jesus told about the Master and his debtor from Matthew 18- the application was this: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. -Matthew 6:14-15 iv. In this context: in the negative, how can we suppose that God would keep communication with us open and clear when we don't strive to do this with our own wives? In the positive this should drive us to keep unity, and love in the marriage so that our relationship with Christ would not be hindered. v. Isn't this what Christ has done for his bride? Lovingly considered our need through personal insight, and then he gave himself fully, in love, to meet that need? How can we expect God to hear us favorably when we do not follow in his steps but actually walk contrary? vi. How Spouse’s (and particularly husbands) treat one another shows what we believe about the gospel. Conclusion: 1. Husbands, make it your aim to consider and continually know your wife. Love her the way that she needs to be loved and not according to your own interpretation 2. Direct your marriage in a Christ centered, God glorifying pattern, don’t let it drift into mediocrity, or complacency. 3. Realize that our marriages can be a very effective tool for shinning God’s glory and truth in our culture. 4. Finally, always keep the gospel in the center of your marriage. Our temptation in marriage is to blame one another, and make one another pay when we fail, or sin against one another. This will destroy any joy to our lives and any glory to God. Instead, of “destroying” each other, instead of making one another pay for the sin and wrong that is done, we can and must carry it to the cross, where our holy, loving, gracious, Savior payed for our sin and the sin done against us. So we can freely forgive, freely be forgiven and be free from the weight and destroying effects of sin. Because of this our marriages can flourish, we can experience joy, unhindered love, acceptance, freedom, and the list goes on.