Navigating Marriage in Exile

It is funny, but the truth is this season, as well as season of stress and struggle, have a way of revealing hidden or suppressed problems in our marriages, or magnifies annoyances and issues that were present before.

Things were not different 2000 years ago

Peter is writing this letter to Christians in the middle of trails and trouble, helping them to navigate every area of life

Why You Fight

If you google the most common causes of marital conflict you will get a plethora of lists that basically say the same thing.

Money (usually at the top)

Sex and intimacy

Communication or inattentiveness

Household responsibilities

Children/parenting

Sure enough, when I do marital counseling those are the very things I uncover from most every couple.

So, if we were to get all of those taken care of would our marriages suddenly become healthy and satisfying?

Maybe temporarily, but changing behavior without changing our hearts is not a lasting change.

It might not be money or household chores, but it will most likely be something new that drives a wedge between you and your spouse.

The true reasons for marital strife, conflicts, and failure are sinful patterns rooted in our hearts:

Selfishness- often conflict is caused because we care more about ourselves than we do about the other person or the relationship.

Pride- Pride makes us unwilling to admit when we are wrong or to acknowledge another person's point of view. Rather than apologizing, we defend our behavior.

Insecurity- Insecurity causes us to look to others (like our spouse) to give us identity, value, and purpose. When our spouse fails (which they always will) conflict, frustration, bitterness, and dissatisfaction will likely follow.

Idolatry- related to the others, but anytime our spouse or anything other than God, becomes the object of our attention or worship it will ultimately lead to disappointment, discontentment, and destruction. When you place your spouse or your idea of what marriage ought to be like as the object of your attention, you have made them or that thing an idol in your life.

In the midst of a culture that is against them and under the stress and struggles of difficult circumstances; and in view of the call for us to “live such good lives among the gentiles (those far from Christ)”, Peter turns to the home as another context where our identity as strangers and exiles changes the way we live in comparison to the world.

Quick caution and encouragement before we dive fully into the passage:

Caution: your temptation may be to bristle or roll your eyes at this text. But that is entirely a culturally influenced response. Give ear to the Word of the Lord, which lead to my encouragement.

Listen all the way through. It is like looking a corner of a beautiful picture and assuming the whole things is worthless. Until you see the whole picture you can’t grasp at the beauty of the design.

Word for Wives

Peter shares 3 clear and challenging points of guidance for wives here:

1) Practice HUMBLE SUBMISSION

Peter makes one qualification in this passage that is important “even if some do not obey”.

the “even if” make the call to submission a general call to all, but then the “some do not obey” opens submission to husbands who aren’t believers as well as husbands that are not faithfully following the Lord.

Don’t get stuck on the submission part.

You hear that and automatically assume that men are more important than women.

The bible is sexist and culturally out of date,

but you would be falling into the very point of caution that I started with.

Don’t miss the word “Likewise” or “In the same way” as it connects this call to submission to the previous ones.

Like citizens and servants, wives are to submit to their husbands out of their obedience to God, not because they are some how less important than the men.

The idea of submission here is the same throughout scripture.

It is willing placing yourself under the leadership of someone, here being your husband.

It isn’t about value, as if you are not as valuable as your husband. (he calls them coheirs of grace in verse 7)

It is about order and design.

It has purpose

In Ephesians 5 the purpose is to put the goodness and the grace of Jesus on display, show His relation to the church.

Ephesians 5:22–24 ESV

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

It is not different here.

The purpose of submission here is to proclaim the goodness and grace of Jesus to the husbands who “do not obey the word”.

“That they might be won without a word, but by the conduct of their wives.”

Peter is not putting the responsibility for a unbelieving husbands salvation on the shoulders of wives.

For those wives watching now who have an unbelieving husband or a husband that isn’t faithfully following the Lord, it is not an easy road you are traveling.

Peter’s desire is not to weigh you down with the responsibility to “win” your husband,

BUT he is saying that your obedient, humble submission to God by humbly submitting to your husband will be used by God to soften his hard hard.

It is important to note, submission is not domination.

Peter is not calling women to submit to an abusive husband in as much as he is not calling an employee to disregard sin in order to submit to an employer.

In any circumstance of abuse, the right and pure things to do is get yourself into a safe place and notify authorities that can help you remain safe.

2) Serve SACRIFICIALLY

The attitude and posture of humble submission plays itself out in the “conduct” of a wife. - the way she lives.

To humbly submit to your husband it would necessitate sacrificial service.

It is not conditional. It isn’t based on him earning the right to be served.

Respect and honor are instructions for you wives, regardless of how “worthy” your husband may be.

Peter describes their conduct as “respectful and pure”, saying that husbands might be won “without word”.

This might get me in trouble, but there is a subtle warning from Peter for wives to be on guard with how they use their words to try and change their husbands.

Let me let a woman speak to this point:

Sometimes in our marriage we’re tempted to use words in unhelpful ways. Maybe we think we can force our husbands to change by arguing with them. Or maybe we retaliate against them with our words, disrespecting them overtly or passive-aggressively. Perhaps this temptation is all the more acute for those of us who are married to men who at one time professed faith in Christ but have wandered from the way or who have abdicated their responsibilities as husbands and/or fathers.

Mary Willson

Proverbs 21:9 CSB

9 Better to live on the corner of a roof than to share a house with a nagging wife.

Proverbs 21:19 CSB

19 Better to live in a wilderness than with a nagging and hot-tempered wife.

Proverbs 27:15 CSB

15 An endless dripping on a rainy day and a nagging wife are alike;

But the Gospel shows us a better way...

Her ordinary, ongoing, respectful conduct commends to her husband the love of Christ, after the pattern of Christ.

Mary Willson

I am not saying you can’t use your word to challenge, encourage, and even rebuke your husband, that is a responsibility you have as a sister in Christ

But where are you words coming from?

The “nagging” wife is often motivated by control or by insecurity.

The “nagging” wife is also often motivated by bitterness and anger.

Again, the way of Jesus was sacrificial service and He calls us to take up our cross daily and follow Him.

Luke 9:23 ESV

23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

How do you do that?

3) Pursue DEEP, INWARD BEAUTY

The more you pursue your identity, value, security, and joy in the grace, goodness, and love of God, the more you will become the woman God desires you to be

And the more you will be a witness to your unbelieving or wayward husband.

Again listen to Mary Willson:

When we’re most aware of our inadequacies, we’re most tempted to find significance in our hair, our jewelry, our clothes, our bank accounts, our academic degrees, the “success” of our children, the “success” of our ministry. We adorn ourselves with these things so that our lives will feel full, but we do it because we feel so empty.

The pursuit of inward beauty is a disciplined pursuit that results in deep and lasting fulfillment

John Piper frames this pursuit in challenges for what it would look like to be a fearless woman:

He says of a fearless woman:

That the promises of Christ be trusted so fully that fearless peace and joy and strength fill your soul to overflowing.

That this fullness of God overflow in daily acts of love so that people might see your good deeds and give glory to your Father in heaven.

That you be women of the Book, who love and study and obey the Bible in every area of its teaching. That meditation on biblical truth be the source of your hope and faith. And that you continue to grow in understanding through all the chapters of your life, never thinking that study and growth are only for others.

That you be women of prayer, so that the Word of God would open to you, that the power of faith and holiness would descend upon you, and that your spiritual influence would increase at home, and at church, and in the world.

That, if you are married, you creatively and intelligently and sincerely support the leadership of your husband as deeply as obedience to Christ requires, but no more than it allows. That you encourage him in his God-appointed role as head. That you influence him spiritually, primarily through your fearless tranquility and holiness and prayer.

Peter is not saying to avoid makeup, don’t wear jewelry and never go shopping.

He is challenging the priorities of your heart as it seeks gratification, security, and identity in something.

And he is making the case it must be in Christ.

Word for Husbands

Now he turns to Husbands.

There are 3 strong words for Husbands here:

1) Seek to UNDERSTAND

I think Peter’s goal in this instruction is for men to become PHD students of their wives.

To attain a PHD you must seek to master a particular topic or subject.

You study every aspect of the subject, read every book written about it, and take rigorous notes to ensure you are grasping all you can become an expert on the subject.

This is what it means to live with your wife in an understanding way.

It means you listen intently, even when you don’t want to.

It means you are physically AND EMOTIONALLY available with your wife needs you.

It means you a intentionally carve out time to be present with her and you family to ensure you are able to support her and care for her needs.

It means you learn what her favorite foods are, favorite flowers, favorite snacks and treats are.

It means you seek to find out how she feels most loved rather than loving her the way you think she might feel loved (huge mistake we knuckleheads make on a regular basis)

It means when she is upset you don’t get defensive or try to fix her.

It means you learn how to practice Ephesians 4:15, “Speak the truth in love”

When you listen and seek to understand, you have the right and responsibility to speak truth to your wife that she needs to hear, but that might not be easy to hear.

We do that in love.

You might be thinking “That is a lot!” and you would be right.

In the same way a wife is to “Take up her cross daily”, we husbands are called to the same.

Pride and selfishness tells us that are wives are needy and naggy, but God tells us that our wives are precious and deserving of our attention and care.

So be a man and study you wife.

2) Take RESPONSIBILITY

The description of women as the “weaker vessel” is not meant to be demeaning.

It is a biological statement, women are physically weaker than men. (now I am really in trouble).

Let Mary Willson speak to this:

Rather than take advantage of women’s comparative physical or social weakness in that culture—what I take Peter to mean by “the woman as the weaker vessel” (3:7)—Christian husbands show their wives honor and understanding.

One of my favorite definitions of biblical manhood for husbands is from John Piper who says:

Biblical manhood is a sense of benevolent responsibility to lead, protect, and provide for his wife. That sense of responsibility will move him to take initiatives with his wife and children to see to it that the family is cared for.

Husband, God has called you to take responsibility.

He has called you to protect your wife, serve her, care for her, listen to her, correct her in love, forgive her, hold her, make her laugh, give her rest...

He has called you to lead you wife and family to pursue the Lord and serve God in the church. (The one that take the initiative)

He has called you to take responsibility that she feels supported in the home and with the kids.

He has called you to love you wife like Jesus loved the church…remember, He died for the church.

So if that means you can’t go hunting as much

You have to change more diapers

You have to watch less TV

You have to show emotion and pursue intimacy

3) Show HONOR

Wives must ground their identity and purpose as wives in their pursuit of the Lord.

In the same way, our pursuit and treatment of our wives in the context of marriage is deeply effected by our pursuit of the Lord.

So concerned is God that Christian husbands live in an understanding and loving way with their wives, that he “interrupts” his relationship with them when they are not doing so. No Christian husband should presume to think that any spiritual good will be accomplished by his life without an effective ministry of prayer. And no husband may expect an effective prayer life unless he lives with his wife “in an understanding way, bestowing honor” on her. To take the time to develop and maintain a good marriage is God’s will; it is serving God; it is a spiritual activity pleasing in his sight. (Wayne Grudem, 1 Peter, 146)

We honor our wives (and all women) as coheirs of the grace given to us in Christ.

How we speak to them and about them.

How we treat them physically.

How we look at them and what we do with their images in our minds.

All these are expressions of honor.

And the consequences of failure to understand, take responsibility, and show honor to our wives has deep spiritual consequence.

If you wander why it seems you are hindered in growth, struggling to overcome sin, or feel distant from God, how are you doing with being a husband?

Principles for Both

Here are 3 principles we can apply to both husbands and wives in this passage:

1) We must FIGHT FOR one another.

Not fight against one another.

This requires humility, sacrifice, intentionality, and commitment.

You might be annoyed, frustrated, and maybe even angry, but fight the selfish, prideful desire to hurt or try to win.

2) Look to CHRIST not to your SPOUSE.

Jesus is enough, so if you husband or wife is insufficient (which they are) find your joy in Him

His salvation is sufficient so don’t look to your spouse to justify you.

His promises are true and perfect, so let you hope be dependent on anyone expect for Jesus.

3) The the WORD OF GOD be the most influential GUIDE in your marriage?

Not a self-help or self-actualization book.

Not a JUST a counselor or friend. (So often we go to others long before and/or at the expense of going to God in His Word).

“Good advice” is not always Godly wisdom.

Please don’t let Dr. Phil or some internet guru be the source of your marital help.

1 Peter 1:24–25 ESV

24 for “All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, 25 but the word of the Lord remains forever.” And this word is the good news that was preached to you.

I pray God uses this time we have had to encourage, challenge, and move your heart to pursue God’s goodness and grace in your marriage, or future marriage, so that He might use us all to show the word the excellencies of Him who called us out of darkness into marvelous light.

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