The Power for Marriage: The marriage roles part 1

Ephesians 5:18-33 The Power for Marriage (the marriage roles part 1) Introduction: In the past weeks we have talked about various relationships and the issues that the commonly present. Today as we talk about roles in marriage this might be our most controversial study. So I'm going to begin by saying what I said in the introduction to this series. The Christian message, whether the Gospel itself, or the lifestyle that follows it has never been accepted by any culture carte blanc but has always been a challenge to both conservative and liberal people throughout the ages. As I said last week -The Presbyterian book of common worship says, God "established marriage for the welfare and happiness of humankind." Marriage did not evolve in the late Bronze Age as a way to determine property rights as secular culture would lead us to believe. At the climax of the Genesis account of creation we see God bringing a woman and a man together to unite them in marriage. The Bible begins with a wedding (of Adam and Eve) and ends in the book of Revelation with a wedding (of Christ and the Church). Marriage is God's idea. It is certainly also a human institution, and it reflects the character of the particular human culture in which it is embedded. But the concept and roots of human marriage are in God's own action, and therefore what the Bible says about God's design for marriage is crucial....If marriage is instituted by God like the book of Genesis says, then God also regulates marriage and those who enter into marriage, or desire to should make every effort to understand and submit to his purposes for it.... 1. A Word to All 1. The sexes are complimentary, not in competition. 1. I've said it before - Gender is not a social construction but masculinity and femininity are in fact. The history of the world is wrought with the objectifying of women, through male domineering. Unfortunately the Church has many times taken it's queues from the culture rather than from the teaching of scripture. Feminism is obviously a backlash to all this- I don't think we understand how radical the ideas of Christianity were in it's day or even still today (go read some of the ancient views on woman, they are despicable). Husbands were called to love and honor their wives in a culture that treated women and wives as property, as lower than men. The NT calls for total equality, but we cannot mistake equality for sameness. Men and women are equal but we are not interchangeable. 2. Why was Christianity so different? It was because of the way that Jesus modeled for us what it meant that Men and Women were equally made in the image of God. 1. Dorothy Sayers writes: "Perhaps it is no wonder that the women were first at the Cradle and last at the Cross. They had never known a man like this Man-there had never been such another. A prophet and teacher who never nagged at them, who never flattered or coaxed or patronized; who never made arch jokes about them, never treated them either as 'The women, God help us!' or 'The ladies, God bless them!'; who rebuked without querulousness and praised without condescension; who took their questions and arguments seriously, who never mapped out their sphere for them, never urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female; who had no ax to grind and no uneasy male dignity to defend; who took them as he found them and was completely unselfconscious. She continues: "There is no act, no sermon, no parable in the whole Gospel that borrows its pungency from female perversity; nobody could possibly guess from the words of Jesus that there was anything 'funny' about woman's nature." 3. We the church should recognize that both chauvinism and feminism are extremes that ought to be avoided in the church and society for Chauvinism and Feminism have done great evil. 2. Complementarianism 1. The Bible does not support chauvinism, nor does it support feminism. The Biblical teaching is that men and women are equal, yet with distinct roles and callings that compliment each other within the marriage relationship. 2. We clearly see in the Genesis record that the man is made first. Scripture always grounds it's teaching on roles in the creation account - Man was made first and then the woman... 1. Made of the same stuff - she is his equal. Taken from his side, same flesh, same bone, but different sex. 2. She is a helper fit for him in contrast to the animals just named by the man. A helper is one who supplies strength in the area that is lacking in "the helped." The term does not imply that the helper is either stronger or weaker than the one helped. 1. "Fit for him" or "matching him" is not the same as "like him": a wife is not her husband's clone but complements him. 3. The Biblical model for marriage is that of loving complementarity, where the husband and the wife are partners who value and respect each other and where the husband's loving leadership is met with the wife's willing submissive intelligent response. 4. The path of Christian living is no different for the husband than for the wife. Each of us are "submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ" Both are called to follow Christ in humble and compassionate love, accepting rebuffs with forgiving grace. 5. Tim Keller says, "Whether we are husband or wife, we are not to live for ourselves but for the other. And that is the hardest yet single most important function of being a husband or a wife in marriage....The word that Paul uses has it's origin in military, and in the greek it denoted a soldier submitting to an officer. Why? Because when you join the military you lose control over your schedule, over when you can take a holiday, over when you are going to eat, and even over what you eat. To be part of a whole, to become part of a greater unity, you have to surrender your independence. You must give up the rights to make decisions unilaterally. Paul says that this ability to deny your own rights, to serve and put the good of the whole over your own, is not instinctive; indeed, it's unnatural, but it is the very foundation of marriage" -Keller 6. Total Equality, mutual submission but there are Roles. The husband is called to serve as loving head and leader. The wife is called to support her husbands leadership by being submissive to her husband; Peter as well as Paul place both the physical leadership and spiritual leadership of the marriage on the Man.....But let's make it clear what that leadership looks like. 7. It is servant leadership modeled for us in the person of Jesus Christ, who though he was/is Lord and master over all, served others, and met the needs of others and not his own. Although the Bible does teach submission in marriage it does not hold a chauvinistic view of marriage but one of loving complimentary service. 1. "A complementarian husband does not exercise his authority absent of any authority over him. The Bible that grounds his authority describes his responsibilities, so he submits to God's authority, and he is under the authority of a local church. Contrary to caricature, the complementarian husband who uses his views as a license to shut out his wife's counsel, to forsake her cherishing and freedom, and to deny her flourishing and edification is not a complementarian at all, but a selfish brute in need of sharp rebuke and church discipline. And if the situation calls for it (physical abuse or any other compromise of safety), legal justice." -Jared Wilson 3. Where do we go wrong? 1. As we read in the beginning of time the man and his wife dwelt in the paradise of God, they were at perfect peace with God, with nature, with one another. There was absolute harmony and shalom.. It tells us that the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. This speaks of the trust, and transparency that once naturally existed in human relationships, especially in marriage. 2. As we go on to read here in the pages of scripture the man and the woman rebelled against God and the curse of sin has brought all sorts of disharmony It says that immediately their eyes were open and they knew they were naked and the sewed fig leaves to cover their nakedness. When God shows up to question them they are hiding because of their nakedness and when God inquires what happened the man and the woman blame one another. Here we see the immediate results of sin on these perfect relationships the breakdown of the trust and peace that God gave to mankind - Their is disharmony between Mankind and God, mankind and nature, and mankind with itself. There is suspicion where there was once trust, and self justification where there was once vulnerability.... 1. To the woman he said,"I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." - Genesis 3:16 3. Nancy Guthrie comments - "She was made to be her husband's companion and helper. But now she will fight against the desire to dictate to him and dominate him. Rather than look to her husband for guidance, she'll seek to manipulate him. And rather than the unfettered one-flesh intimacy they once knew, their relationship will be riddled with self-centered strife." Might I add, instead of his loving leadership and protection he will domineer and exploit the woman... 4. This is the tension that we experience in our marriages, in our relationships, in our families. As we saw last week God has created marriage for companionship, procreation, the common good, holiness, and as a picture and foretaste of his love for his people. This is obviously idealistic, because while the scripture says all this it also recognizes the presence of sin, the hardhearted selfish nature of human beings, and so on.. 5. I wonder if when we come to the Bible's teachings on gender roles in marriage if we are recognizing the fact that the scripture takes in to account (an understatement) the sinfulness of human nature?? 6. The Bible shows us what is naturally in each of us because of sin - selfishness, self love, self preservation, pride, insecurities, and the list goes on- and part of the roles that the Lord has given to his people in marriage have to do with us breaking one another out of these selfish tendencies and habits. 7. If both spouses say, "I'm going to treat my self-centeredness (my own sinfulness) as the main problem in the marriage," you have the prospect of a truly great marriage. Both spouses should focus on their God given tasks rather than pointing fingers at the other. 3. A Word to Husbands 1. "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies." 2. Christ gave up everything 1. Christ forsook his life for the sake of the church! Putting our need of salvation before his own needs and desires. 2. Husbands we are called to love our wives. This doesn't mean that we are called to feel a certain way about them, though we often do, it means that we are called to die to our own desires, and needs and seek to serve them first and to seek their good above anyone or anything else. 1. Contract or Covenant? 1. Though we refer to marriage as a covenant we often treat it as a contract. -Contract says, a certain relationship is maintained as long as the vendor meets your needs at a cost acceptable to you. Individual needs are more important than the relationship. 2. In covenant the good of the relationship takes precedence over the immediate needs of the individual. The scripture calls us to love our wives with this covenant love. 1. Career, sports, personal interest or hobbies, family, friendships, wants, dreams - are these competing with our love for our wives? 2. In Phil 2:5-7 Paul says, that Christ laid aside his glory and his rights for our sake, for the sake of his bride! 3. This is the love that we are to imitate! 3. Christ served the church 1. The Bible tells us over and over about Christ love for us, but it always points to the cross as the demonstration of that love! Husbands, we need to communicate our love to our wives and we also need to demonstrate that love for them. The Apostle John wrote in one of his letters: "let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth (1 John 3:18). One of the missing ingredients in male leadership in homes is sacrificial action. When was the last time you served your wife? Do you put her desires above your own? when was the last time you gave up something for your wife-something you genuinely valued, like your golf game, a fishing trip, your hobby, sleep, in order to serve her insead? Sometimes you need to give up something you enjoy, even something good, take her load upon yourself so your wife can have a break and see a demonstration of you love for her. 2. Again Phil 2 talks about Jesus Christ humbling himself and taking on the form of a servant. Husbands we are to serve our wives. 4. Christ took the church's burdens upon himself 1. Bearing our wife's burdens (emotional, physical, spiritual) 2. Isaiah the prophet tells us that Christ bore our sins and sicknesses. 3. If we as husbands are going to imitate Christ's love for the church it definitely involves this idea of bearing our wives burdens. 4. I have done this so many times; instead of helping my wife I criticize her, tell her how she needs to delegate and be more organized..I think I'm helping but I'm not. I'm adding to the burden she's already carrying. 5. Do you know what your wife's needs are right now? They are specific to her, her personality, her work, her desires...If you struggle with infertility do you now how to comfort her? If she is a young mother, she has a certain set of basic needs. If your children are grown and gone and you are in the empty nest, your wife has a different set of needs that you should try to meet. What is she worried about? What troubles her? What type of pressure does she feel? Learn the answers to questions like that, and then do what you can to reduce her worries, her troubles, her pressures. 5. Loving as our own bodies (Paul's practical example) 1. "In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 1. Loving our wives as our own bodies, means that we have the same concern, care, love, and compassion for our wives as we do for ourselves. Example: clothing ourselves, feeding ourselves, treating ourselves. 2. If we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church and as we love our own bodies that means that abuse is absolutely forbidden! 1. Physical 2. Verbal 3. Emotional (mind games/manipulation) 4. Abuse through Neglect (hobbies, friends, family, dreams/ aspirations) 5. Taking advantage 2. Paul uses to words to communicate the kind of love we should have for our own wives 1. Nourish - Building up, or helping to bring something to maturity- cultivate. 1. Affirmation -There is so much to encourage in our wives. They should live daily in the sounds of their husbands pronouncing encouragement over them. In Proverbs 31 when the children rise up to bless their mother it is because they have a father who exemplifies this. 2. We are to love our wives, caring for them in a way that helps them reach their full potential, as a Christian, a wife, a mother, and woman! What is the goal??..to present them spotless before Christ.. the glory of Christ, human thriving and wholeness.. 2. Cherish - to consider precious, to protect and care for lovingly 1. Physically 1. Being that safe place for our wives, a protector. (his banner over me is love) by being that loving provider, taking financial responsibility. 2. 1 Timothy 5:8 "But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 3. I believe cherish includes romance. How does your wife define romance? What makes her feel special? A wife's challenge is to provide specific examples and receive her husband's attempt when he responds. Her challenge is to receive his expression as a sincere attempt. Communicate what makes you feel special. Speak her love language. 2. Emotionally 1. Guarding her against fear, her insecurities 2. Squelching thoughts of insufficiency! Making her secure in who God has made her! 3. Not adding to her burdens 4. Covering flaws- not exposing them! 3. Spiritually 1. Praying for her/ with her. 2. Encouraging her with God's word. Establishing her in the truth 3. Always pointing her to Jesus' love and His grace! Conclusion: Here is something that was brought to my attention recently; when Paul says, "husbands love your wives". I don't get to decide how I'm doing, Grace does! It's up to her. The question we need to ask is not simply "am I loving my wife?" but "does my wife know (by my communication and demonstration) that I love her?" What would she say? Does she know that you love her; and not because you say it but because you continually lay down your own agenda, pride, your own self for her benefit. This is such a huge task - who is sufficient for these things?? Where do we get the power to love our wives in this way? The reason I had us read through verses 18-33 is because I wanted us to hear what Paul says before we even get to our Christian service in marriage. He says we must be filled with the Spirit. This means that as Christians our main source of peace, hope, love, security, identity must come not from anything except the holy Spirit of God filling us with the knowledge and peace of who we are in Christ, because of what he did, we are forgiven, secure, sons and daughters, hope filled. "The gospel, brought home to your heart, by the spirit, can make you happy enough to be humble, giving you an internal fullness that frees you to be generous with the other even when you are not getting the satisfaction you want out of the relationship. Without the help of the Spirit, without a continual refilling of your soul's tank with the glory and love of the Lord, such submission to the interests of the other is virtually impossible to accomplish for any length of time without becoming resentful..only if you know something of the work of the Spirit in your life, will you have enough love "in the bank" to be generous to your spouse even when you are not getting much affection or kindness at the moment." -Keller