!! Scriptures: James 1:19-21

There are three essential ingredients to “Rinkle-free” Relationships.  They are:

Oil of Understanding

The key to understanding people is the willingness to take the time to discover their true concerns and their heartaches.  That’s one of the  big barriers for harried people in today’s stress filled world.

PR 18:2 A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.

People who are not quick to listen conversely are quick to jump to conclusions.  We judge motives too quickly rather than giving others the benefit of the doubt.

People who are quick to listen display something in their lives.  They tell us that:

q      we are important by valuing what we have to say.  It really is a wonderful way to compliment a person.

q      they are open to something new, an idea, a criticism perhaps.

q      they are secure enough within themselves to hear or even risk hearing what may not be easy for them to hear.  They send a message that says: “I want to understand where you are coming from?”

q      they are growing and developing.  A stagnant person is one who refuses to consider another’s perspective.

GOOD COMMUNICATION IS POSSIBLE

Just because you said it doesn't mean that others understood it.  Or if they did hear, it wasn't what you meant. Much of communication leads to confusion.

Communication is a process of sharing information with another person in such a way that the other person understands what you are saying. Their understanding is based on what is being said, who is saying it, the situation they are in, their own past experience, their self-image, and an array of other possible filters.

Principles of Effective Communication:

q      Watch your tongue. You can do more harm with an inappropriately stated thought than you might ever have imagined. But just as a word improperly said can be destructive, a word fitly spoken can give new delights, make a plain person beautiful, heal bruises, soothe agitated tempers, give hope to despondent souls, and point the way to God. (Read Ephesians 4:25-32.)

q      Avoid half-truths. Don't say, The truck hit my car, when you had an accident and it was your fault.

q      Distinguish between fact and opinion. Don't state something as reality when it is simply your opinion.

q      Be careful about absolute statements. For example, You never talk to me or I don't have anything to wear are not true statements.

q      Be careful of white lies. For the Christian, no lie is acceptable. You may think a little lie may help someone, but in the long run that is never true.

q      Say only things that are necessary. Speak to build someone up or to meet a need. Unwholesome or degrading words do not edify others or honor our Lord.

q      Listen. You will never understand another person's perspective unless you listen carefully - and genuinely - to him or her. Some conversations require only that you listen attentively and keep your opinions and advice to yourself.

q      Put the speaker at ease. Be receptive and don't try to fix the other person. Promise Keepers uses this definition, A true friend is someone who knows all about me, loves me for who I am, and has no plans for my immediate improvement.

Extract of Eloquence

Communication is a delicate art.  Ineptness and carelessness in communication is as disastrous as the palsy is to a brain surgeon.

Colossians 4:6 Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

On the morning of the first atomic bomb test near White Sands, New Mexico, two Indian brothers sat looking across the Mesa. Observing the great blast and the resultant mushroom shaped cloud, the one said to the other:  "Man, I wish I'd said that!"

I think that a major step toward communication that does not create unnecessary conflict is to be considerate and gentle.

Soft words sung in a lullaby will put a babe to sleep. Excited words will stir a mob to violence.  Eloquent words will send armies marching into the face of death.  Encouraging words will fan to flame the genius of a Rembrandt or a Lincoln. Powerful words will mold the public mind as the sculptor molds his clay.  Words, spoken or written, are a dynamic force.

Writing of Napoleon and his Italian campaign, Emil Ludwig said: "Half of what he achieves is achieved by the power of words."

Words are the swords we use in our battle for success and happiness.  How others react toward us depends, in a large measure, upon the words we speak to them.  Life is a great whispering gallery that sends back echoes of the words we send out!  Our words are immortal, too.  They go marching through the years in the lives of all those with whom we come in contact.

When you speak, when you write, remember the creative power of words.

-- Wilfred Peterson

q      People are fragile for the most part.  I think that we are all prone to take offense but some have weathered life differently.  There are some in this world who have chosen not to take offense and there are others who take offense easily.  Whether or not a person is offended is a reflection of a choice that they make.  It requires strength to shrug it off and keep on.  Weakness goes with the flow and lays others low.  To turn away from a fight is a sign of strength not a sign of weakness.  Humor is one of those areas where people are hurt sometimes inadvertently and other times deliberate hurt is masked behind a smile or a joke.

Hurling humor like hand grenades is a popular sport. We think it's acceptable to pull the pin on our anger as long as we toss it in a casing of humor. The problem is it's still explosive, and someone ends up hurt.  How many times have you heard or said, "I was only kidding?" If we have to defend our humor regularly, chances are we're not as funny as we think.  A good humor rule is, if it hurts someone it isn't funny. Just because people are laughing doesn't mean what we said was appropriate.   Don't use humor as a hideout from tender, honest relationships. A healthy sense of humor is a precious gift intended to promote good news, good health and goodwill.

n      Patsy Clairmont, adapted from Under His Wings. Marriage Partnership, Vol. 12, no.

q      Words ill chosen can be devastating to others. Proverbs 17:27 ¶ A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. 28  Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.

q      You can never take back the things that you say to another human being.  They may forgive you when you speak harshly or without having all the facts but there is always a mark there and somehow it affects your relationships forever.  Casting shadows is equally unacceptable.  To indicate that there is something wrong with a person and then refuse to elaborate is worse than making the accusation.  There is nothing spiritual or kind about innuendo.

Root of Restraint

Anger is a normal, natural emotion.  It is not normal or natural for the Christian to unleash it on others.

I have never been taught in my life to handle anger.  I fault my parents for nothing in my life and I thank God for both of them.  I wouldn’t change anything that has transpired in my life because I believe I am a better person today for the response that God has helped me to give to all things bad and good.

How do we restrain ourselves and process anger in a positive fashion?

KEEP COOL EVEN WHEN YOU'RE HOT

Something has made you angry, and the whole world knows about it.  Is this really the way you want to deal with your anger? Anger shuts down an open mind. When you get angry, you're through solving problems. Research shows that 68% of problems are never resolved because anger shuts down the problem-solving process.  The key is dealing with anger before it takes control.

Four steps to processing anger:

1.  Give permission to be angry. It's OK for you, or others, to be angry. Anger is neither right nor wrong in itself. The Bible says, "In your anger do not sin" (Eph. 4:26). The issue is not the anger, it's how you choose to act on it.

2.  Report feelings of anger. Anger needs to be calmly reported to the one with whom you're angry. "John, it really makes me angry when that happens." Talk about it right then, if you can. Do it in private. Too often people choose to "stuff" their anger, thinking they are keeping peace. In reality they are doing harm to themselves (e.g. stomach aches, nausea, ulcers). Venting your anger is equally as harmful if it is a blowup at another person. Positive venting is using the energy that anger produces in positive ways (e.g. weeding the garden, vacuuming). If irritants are handled one at a time, as they arise, anger can be defused. But when they are     allowed to build up, an explosion is inevitable.

3.  Don't hurt anyone. Decide - with your mate or friend - that when one of you becomes angry you will not hurt each other, verbally or physically. Most people who are hurt physically have first been verbally abused.

4.  Ask for help. "Will you help me work through my anger?" This request for help will open the lines of communication with the person who has upset you.

5.  Seek first to be understanding - then to be understood. Make sure that you are hearing the other person correctly. You might say, "I heard you say... Is that what you meant?"

6.  Give in. Let the other person have his or her way. Say, "It's really no big deal to me, and since you obviously have some strong feelings about this, I think we should just go ahead and do it your way." There is no contest, so you don't have to feel defeated. It can often be the most loving thing you can do.

7.  Try the win/win theory. Try to find an agreeable solution in which both people gain something. You need to adopt an attitude that says, "Unless you win, I don't win either."

8.  Agree to disagree. There are some subjects about which two people can never agree. That's OK. Acknowledge that you will never agree on the certain issue (e.g. where to set the   thermostat), and then decide not to disagree about it every time it comes up.  People who do things differently than I might are not necessarily wrong.  There are usually different ways of doing things that will get the same job done.

GOOD COMMUNICATION IS POSSIBLE

Just because you said it doesn't mean that others understood it.  Or if they did hear, it wasn't what you meant. Much of communication leads to confusion.

Communication is a process of sharing information with another person in such a way that the other person understands what you are saying. Their understanding is based on what is being said, who is saying it, the situation they are in, their own past experience, their self-image, and an array of other possible filters.

Principles of Effective Communication:

Watch your tongue. You can do more harm with an inappropriately stated thought than you might ever have imagined. But just as a word improperly said can be destructive, a word fitly spoken can give new delights, make a plain person beautiful, heal bruises, soothe agitated tempers, give hope to despondent souls, and point the way to God. (Read Ephesians 4:25-32.)

Avoid half-truths. Don't say, The truck hit my car, when you had an accident and it was your fault.

Distinguish between fact and opinion. Don't state something as reality when it is simply your opinion.

Be careful about absolute statements. For example, You never talk to me or I don't have anything to wear are not true statements.

Be careful of white lies. For the Christian, no lie is acceptable. You may think a little lie may help someone, but in the long run that is never true.

Say only things that are necessary. Speak to build someone up or to meet a need. Unwholesome or degrading words do not edify others or honor our Lord.

Listen. You will never understand another person's perspective unless you listen carefully - and genuinely - to him or her. Some conversations require only that you listen attentively and keep your opinions and advice to yourself.

Put the speaker at ease. Be receptive and don't try to fix the other person. Promise Keepers uses this definition, A true friend is someone who knows all about me, loves me for who I am, and has no plans for my immediate improvement.

Classifieds

(Monday) FOR SALE -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Phone 555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

(Tuesday) NOTICE -- We regret having erred in R.D. Jones's ad yesterday.  It should have read:  One sewing machine for sale.  Cheap; 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7PM.

(Wednesday) NOTICE -- R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying phone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday.  His ad stands corrected as follows:  FOR SALE-- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap.  Phone 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.

(Thursday) NOTICE -- I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale.  I SMASHED IT!  Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected.  I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly.  Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.