Ephesians 5:21-33

Ephesians 5:21–33 ESV

21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

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Intro:

There are times in life.. where we need to be reminded more clearly..

of the things that pertain to us.. specifically..

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One of my children might need a reminder:

Clean up your room. .

But.. the others won’t need the reminder.. just the one..

They all need to clean up their rooms.. ..

But.. one of them.. might have a harder time remembering.. so they get the specific reminder.. ++

At the place where you work.. maybe you’ve noticed this..

Some guys.. or gals.. might get reminded of thing regularly..

Bob, or Sandra.. they are told to have their reports in by 2pm..

Nobody else is told that.. but the requirement is the same.. across the board..

Why do Bob and Sandra get the reminder? ++

Because they have proven.. that this task is more difficult for them to remember.. ++

Sometimes.. this is what we need..

. we need.. reminders..

We’re not as good at something.. or, we’re not as inclined to do.. something..

So.. by the record of our actions..

We merit.. reminders and exhortations.. that are specific to us, even though they apply to everyone around us.. ++

This.. is a concept that we need to keep in mind.. as we consider today’s passage..

Wives.. submit to your husbands..

We just read in vs. 21.. that we are called to mutual submission..

This reminder in vs. 21 serves a dual purpose, and serves as a transition point for Paul’s message.

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He’s talking about unity in the christian community.

In that community, we are called to submit to one another..

In that community, there are married people… so now Paul is going to speak a unique message to them..

And they too are reminded… that there is a submission, in marriage, that is one, unto another…

In fact, the wording of this full sentence, only has the word ‘submission’ in verse 21… “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, wives, also, yourselves to your husbands… “

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So.. wives.. for some reason..

You need a specific reminder..

You need to be reminded to submit to your husbands.. ++

Husbands.. love your wives..

Now.. apply a little deductive reasoning.. and you’ll conclude..

That wives are s’posed to love their husbands too..

So why is the exhortation.. only for the man? ++

Well.. men.. for some reason..

You need a specific reminder..

Guys, this isn’t your natural go to when it comes to your marriage relationship...

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You’re focused on fixing things… on taking care of all the non-relationship based systems that hold your family together… you are focusing your efforts on the things which gel with your instincts and the way you are wired..

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So you need a reminder… hey, stop trying to fix things for just a moment… and show your wife some love… some affection… some kindness.. ++

God.. is a God of order. He has created a flow of responsibility.. a system of balance.. a specific identity.. and w/in that identity.. a specific duty..

He does not determine.. that there are.. amongst His children.. different degrees of importance..

We are all equally important to Him and equally important in the roles we are given to walk in.. ++

He does not say.. that any type of person.. or any gender.. is better..

In fact, God is generally not interested in ‘the better’. He doesn’t satisfy arguments of ‘who gets to sit at His right hand.’.. He doesn’t select his warriors based on age, size or experience… even when the enemy is a giant. ++

He often directs us to be used..

Not according to our strengths.. but rather.. according to our weaknesses..

God wants us to recognize.. that success w/in our efforts.. is the result of His grace.. and not our greatness..

There is not.. a better.. there is not.. a worse.. there is not.. a “more important”.. there is not a “less important”..

But there is.. a difference.. ++

In today’s passage.. we’ll address the differences between man and woman.. specifically.. in the realm of marriage..

And we’ll do this with the context of Ephesians in mind...

This is about walking out our faith… and walking it out, for the purpose of unity. ++

Next time..

We’ll address the differences between children and parents..

And finally.. the differences between those who have been called to lead..

and also… of those who have been called to follow.. ++

When we talk about marriage.. and we address the order.. and the responsibility..

quite often.. people want to talk about the “what if” scenarios..

what if.. this happens? Do still have to submit..

what if this happens? Do I still have to love??

And we look for exceptions to the rule.. ++

folks.. if we are in the place.. where we want an exception to the rule..

chances are.. an exception has already entered into the relationship..

something has knocked it out of harmony.. and off balance..

obviously.. the rule is not being followed somewhere else.. ++

the arrangement.. is broken.. somewhere..

Things are not.. lined up and together....

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Today.. instead of talking about the “what ifs”.. we’re going to focus in.. primarily.. on the “what it should be”..

For that generally answers the rest of the questions.. ++

Now.. the context of this order..

is in Christian marriage.. ++

the marriage between the saved and unsaved.. is unbiblical to enter into.

but sometimes.. one spouse gets saved.. and the other does not..

There is.. limited instruction for this.. – a study we’ll get to.. when we reach I Pet. 3

But today.. we’re gonna try to not look at the alternatives to God’s perfect design.. ++

Instead.. let’s look at the design..

As He intended it.. between two believing individuals.. ++

Ephesians 5:21–24 ESV

21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

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Wives.. you go first.

Not because you have a bigger problem.. or require greater attention..

In fact.. the guys get far more attention brought to them.. in the following verses..

And w/o addressing the man’s part..

It’s hard to discuss the woman’s part..

But.. we’ll do our best.. ++

For most women.. even those who agree with this..

the first reaction to the call “to submit”.. –is- indignation.. rebellion.. rejection.. no way.. take a hike..

The call to submit.. is offensive to our natural state.. ++

Naturally.. we want to be the boss.. we want to be in charge.. we want to take the lead.. we want to assume the responsibility..

So.. when we hear a call that is contrary.. to that which comes natural..

We respond.. w/discomfort and sometimes… offense.. ++

Even vs. 21.. guys and gals alike.. we don’t naturally like the idea of “submitting unto one another”..

We want everyone to submit unto us..

So.. such an idea.. is difficult.. ++

Now.. here’s the wisdom of the HS..

Ephesians is set up.. in such a way..

That we realize.. how incredibly blessed we are..

We know we are enveloped in grace…

Before.. we are instructed in the seemingly difficult.. practices of the faith.. ++

If you’re a parent… think about the ways you have had to learn, how to effectively communicate with your children..

Let’s say, your leaving Tuesday morning to surprise your kids with a Disney vacation..

So… Tuesday morning…

You wake them up early… and tell them.. that they need to: clean their rooms.. dig through their summer clothes, sort them out in neat piles.. work ahead in their school work and clean out the car..

they will respond.. with discouragement.. ++

But.. if you get the kids up on Monday..

Set them down at the breakfast table..

And begin to tell them about the incredible trip they’re going to take to Disneyland..

.. it’s gonna be great.. at Disneyland..

And they get all pumped up.. excited.. frothing at the mouth.. doing back-flips..

And then.. you sprung the list..

About cleaning their rooms.. the summer clothes.. the school work.. the car..

Man.. they wouldn’t balk a bit.. ++

They’re fired up about Disney..

And because of that.. they are going to get all that other stuff done.. gladly..

They’re gonna do the work.. so that they can experience.. the Disney.. to it’s fullest.. ++

This is kind of how God is communicating with us… in the book of Ephesians…

God has gotten us up in chapters 1-3.. set us down a the table..

Told us.. how incredibly blessed we are..

And then, in chapter 4.. started telling us.. how we should walk..

If we really want to experience the blessings of chapters 1-3 to their fullest..

We’ll do.. 4-6.. ++

the offense we feel.. when we face these challenges and these reminders…

should.. quickly fade away..

in reflection to the blessings we’ve already been reminded of.. ++

Wives.. submit to your husbands..

Since submission is a mutual practice..

Why are wives.. given the specific instruction?

Well.. by nature.. it’s more difficult… for women.. ++

When the curse of sin was dished out upon man and woman..

One of the things that eve received.. on your behalf ladies..

Was.. a “desire for her husband”

A term.. which speaks not of “oh honey.. I desire to be with you.. and love you.. “

But rather.. a desire to take charge.. ++

When the woman balks at the idea of following her husband..

She is reflecting something that is there.. as a result of the fall.. ++

Guys are a bit different..

For the most part.. guys just want things to go smooth..

If by admitting wrong and letting her have her way.. gets him to the couch watching football quicker..

He’s all for it.. ++

Most guys.. will surrender a dispute for the sake of peace..

Most women.. will see it through till the issue has been completely analyzed.. broken up.. divided into sub groups.. listed.. labeled and filed away for future reference.. ++

The guy faces that.. and says.. “I’ll submit.. you can have your way.. can I go watch tv now?”

Where as the woman says: “I’m not going to submit to this, unless it’s been proven by jury to have no shadow of doubt” ++

One party.. finds it more difficult..

So.. that party gets.. specific instruction.. ++

But ladies.. don’t get upset.. don’t get bummed out.. don’t start thinking the worst..

You see.. if the balance of God’s order is being observed in the family.. - That is, if the husband is doing his part faithfully and obediently…

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Then submitting and following won’t be a difficult thing…

… If he is doing his part... you will find comfort in his leadership.. and confidence in his decisions.. ++

Sure.. you’ll still debate and discuss these things..

Nothing wrong w/that ..

He needs to hear your input… and, he needs to consider it with great seriousness..

However.. when all is said and done..

And everything has been considered… and he has to make a decision… not because he’s the boss… but rather, because he’s the responsible party before God on behalf of your marriage…

You will find it easier to follow... ++

Why?

Because he is doing his part.. He is fulfilling his role.. ++

you see..

part one: wives submit..

is a product of part two: husbands.. love your wives.. ++

One is an action… and the other is intended to be… a reaction…

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We’ll look at this in a moment… but here it says..

The husband, should love his wife, as Christ loved the church. ++

Jesus comes into the equation here, for both husband, and wife..

How is the wife called to submit?

As to the Lord.

Is the Lord worthy?

Yes.. ++

What does it mean.. to submit to the Lord?

To recognize.. the instruction of His Word.. and do it..

And.. to recognize.. how we can be part.. of His plan.. – and walk in it.. ++

Now, you might say:

Submit to X.. I understand..

Jesus really did a lot for us.. all of which can be summed up in the word “Love!” ++

And there’s the key..

The church.. benefits from the love of Christ..

Recognizes it.. experiences it on a regular basis..

And responds to.. w/loyalty.. and willing submission.. ++

Love is the key..

And the Love that Christ loves us with.. is ultimately.. the factor which leads us to submit to Christ..

We recognize it.. (and it’s been totally described in 1-3)

His love for us, is the action… our response… is the reaction. ++

and that’s how God intends it to work.. in our marriage.. ++

Ephesians 5:25–29 ESV

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,

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The wife.. will tell the husband she loves him.. every day.. several times..

she wants that kind of communication.. the hugs.. the attention.. the girly mushy word stuff

every day.. she loves him.. and looks.. for the same kind of stuff to come back her way..

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Where as.. the guy.. he’s just thinking: “nothing has changed.. since the wedding. Said I loved you then.. still mean it..”

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Guys.. this is your specific exhortation.. because this is the thing.. that’s more difficult.. for you..

it’s more than just.. telling her about the love..

it’s also.. self sacrifice.. –because that’s what X did for the church..

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giving up stuff.. on your behalf.. for her..

your agendas.. your plans.. your obsessions..

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concerning these things.. be willing.. to do what Christ did..

When we were single.. we men.. we do what we wanted to do.. We have our hobbies and our sports.. our tv programs.. our clubs.. our associations.. our bowling leagues and our hunting vacations..

When we get married.. things change..

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B4.. it was MY LIFE.. FILLED WITH MY STUFF.. DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO.. WITH MY TIME..

Marriage takes away the MY.. and replaces it with OUR..

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The OUR component.. changes all the things that were defined.. under the MY component.

Our: hobbies.. sports.. tv programs??? - we can still have them.. but chances are.. marriage will deem it necessary.. to give some of it up..

Our: clubs.. associations and other activities?

Oh.. we can still have them too.. w/limitation.

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The time ration of the MY component activities.. was %100 – all my time.. all for me..

When you get married.. she needs a large portion of that time.. She needs a lot of that energy.. she needs a significant amount of that interest.. - She has needs.. and they almost always translate over .. to… YOU BEING PRESENT, AND YOU BEING ENGAGED..

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illustration:

I think of my step dad.. John.. his life.. is guns.. he fixes them for everybody in the Midwest.. collects them.. sells them.. and decorates with them..

When he and my mom married.. – he sacrificed.

The “gun work space”.. was limited to one room.. - It used to be the whole house… every table… every counter… the couch… - But, he now has a room called, “the gun room’.

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The “guns as decorations” were also limited..

Originally.. guns were everywhere.. and that’s not the slightest exaggeration..

Now… they only decorate the walls of one room… so, there is the antique Winchester Rifle room…

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I don’t think he complained a bit.... His bachelor life was transformed… and if he complains, it’s only in jest.

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guys.. we can’t give up everything..

but there are times.. where the marriage calls for sacrifice.. on both sides..

are we willing.. to give up some of our stuff.. for her?

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That which Christ gave up.. for the church..

led to the church.. becoming.. glorious.. clean.. holy.. and w/o blemish..

guys.. X gave Himself for the church.. so that the church could be found.. in the best possible disposition before God..

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This reflects our call.. as spiritual leaders in the house..

For we too.. should be striving.. to do whatever’s necessary..

To se our wives.. growing in the Word.. experiencing the goodness of God.. and walking in purity..

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Vss 28 and 29 make it real vivid..

do we love our own flesh?

Yes.. we do..

We want it to be comfortable. .. we want it experience satisfaction.. we want it to be taken care of.. w/nourishment and rest.. .

We will easily respond to the wants and the needs of our own body..

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Paul takes that familiar love for ourselves..

And calls us.. to extend it.. to our wives..

Whatever I would do for myself..

Would I be willing.. to do it for her?

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This is the specific instruction for guys..

love your wives..

be willing to consider her best interests..

be willing to cut your Me ration down..

to accommodate.. the WE ratio….

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Guys.. I know some of you have claimed vs. 22 in your marriage..

you’ve demanded an unwilling and disgruntled submission..

maybe it’s an ongoing problem..

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maybe you think there’s a problem with your wife.. because she will not follow your lead..

she will not give herself.. to your system…

she will not show confidence.. in your decisions..

So.. you direct her to vs. 22.. and tell her.. she needs to get over all those issues..

And just submit… we forget everything about the love… we ignore the love/action - submit/reaction principle that Jesus gave us as an example....

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Husbands who do not love their wives in the same manner that Christ loved the church, are generally the kind of husbands that demand submission…

they force it.. they claim it as their right. They forego their role before God, and demand their wives fall into an order that they themselves have totally destroyed.

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Before you sit before the marriage counselor and complain about her lack of submission...

You should take a long hard look… at the manner in which you are loving her..

Her submission is part of a system that Christ exemplified… it’s a reaction...

And if the reaction is wrong… the first place we should look… is at the action…

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She can still choose to not submit.. even if you are loving..

She too has a call to walk obediently in the marriage..

But if she’s willing to honor God.. and walk in obedience..

As you.. honor God.. and walk in obedience..

Your love.. your sacrifice.. your consideration for her wants and needs..

Will produce.. her loyalty.. her respect.. and her willingness.. to follow you…

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the pressure in the passage.. is not on the wife..

It is totally.. on the husband..

for that’s where the system.. the order.. the harmony.. gets established..

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Husbands…. If we want wives who love us.. trust us and are loyal to us..

We need to be the kind of guy.. they will want to submit to..

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There is one African tribe.. that has the most curious divorce law in the world.

The length of their marriage depends upon a garment. On her wedding day the bride receives a single gift—a wrap that serves as her wedding gown.

The marriage lasts exactly as long as the gown endures. As soon as it becomes threadbare the marriage is dead.

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If the bride is happy she wears the gown so infrequently that it will last a long time. Otherwise she sees to it that it is soon rent.[1]

If the husband is loving the wife.. as Christ loved the church..

Then that gown.. is going to be around.. till death do us part..

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Ephesians 5:30–33 ESV

30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

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The parallel of Christ and the church continues..

as the church.. we have become part of Christ..

we have left.. who we are.. in this world..

to be part of.. Who He is..

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The comparison then carries over.. to marriage..

We leave.. Mom and dad..

Or.. more clearly.. we leave.. the covering.. of Mom and Dad..

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Mom and Dad.. this one’s for you..

When your child gets married..

That child.. that you did so much for..

That child.. that you freely shared your instruction with..

That child.. that you pressured and encouraged to make wise decisions..

That child.. is now married..

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and you.. get the sometimes difficult.. and sometimes liberating opportunity..

to “butt out”

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share your wisdom.. give your advice..

you are still honored and respected..

but the responsibility.. and the authority..

now exists.. in the husband and wife relationship..

and not.. in the parent child relationship..

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Conclusion.

Paul repeats these principles in Col. 3.

Peter touches on them.. in I Pet. 3

There is an order.. a structure.. in marriage..

God has given the husband.. a great responsibility..

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He needs to love his wife..

And that love.. is defined.. by the example of Christ..

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God has given the wife.. a great responsibility..

She needs.. to respect her husband..

.. and hopefully.. this will not be a problem..

Because he is loving her so much..

That she can’t help.. but to feel that respect..

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God has designed marriage to be a picture.. a type..

of Christ… and the church..

Christ loves the church..

And the church responds to that love.. by living for Christ..

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May our marriages.. be just such a picture..

May others look on.. at the wives in this room..

And say: “boy.. your husbands really love you.. “

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And may others look on.. at the husbands..

And say: “boy.. your wife is loyal.. “

And may we respond.. by using our marriage.. as a tool..

To share the message of the gospel..

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A solid marriage.. is a witness of X..

For is gives a picture..

Of Who Christ is.. to the church..

What Christ has done.. for the church..

And what the church has become.. because of X..

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Conclusion..

Folks.. marriage is not easy..

it’s a challenge..

But it’s a worthy challenge..

It’s worth fighting for..

if it’s not in harmony.. if it’s out of line.. from His design..

.. it can be fixed..

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What we have here.. are the basics..

Guys.. be giving.. and love..

Ladies.. be receptive.. and respect..

That’s a starting point..

God can lead you.. in His wisdom..

And He can heal the scars..

May we grow.. into that image of Christ and the church..

More and more.. every day..

End!