Rotten Talk - Ephesians 4:29

Last year we were invited to eat at someone’s house, and they had prepared a beautiful (and delicious) meal for us. Part of that meal was a bowl of fresh berries. They were absolutely beautiful and looked delicious. I didn’t eat any, because I don’t like berries, but they looked wonderful! There is something attractive about fruit that is perfectly ripe. It has a beautiful color and looks delicious, whether you like that particular kind of fruit or not. Contrast that with fruit that has begun to rot. Fruit that shows signs of rot is anything but appetizing—rotten fruit is discarded because it actually does more harm than good.

What is interesting about rotting fruit is that it has the ability to affect good fruit. Fruit that is in the process of going bad gives off ethylene gas, which helps to speed along the process of ripening in other fruit that may be nearby. The problem is that it will not just cause fruit to ripen, but once it’s ripened it will move quickly toward rotting. Rotten fruit brings about more rotten fruit.

In our text this morning, the apostle Paul is going to use the analogy of rotting fruit to talk to us about the way we should talk to each other. Paul emphasizes that our speech not only impacts us, but it also impacts those around us. When we engage in talk that is rotten, it has a negative impact on others, but when we engage in talk that builds up others, it has a positive impact.

What Not to Do

This morning we turn our attention to Ephesians 4:29, where we find Paul’s instructions about speech.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29, NIV)

As I have already mentioned, Paul is actually using a word picture having to do with fruit in order to communicate his point about our speech. The Greek word that is translated “unwholesome” here has to do with rotting fruit. In essence, Paul is saying, “Don’t let anything that causes rot and decay come out of your mouths.”

We understand how words can have this effect, don’t we? All of us have surely had the experience of being wounded by the words of others. You can probably recall some specific instances in your life when someone said something that hurt you deeply. Sometimes people say things that intentionally wound:

You’ll never amount to anything

You’re stupid

You’re ugly

You are a disappointment

I have never loved you

These verbal darts can pierce our hearts and can leave us with deep wounds and scars that we carry around for years. People can wound us with their words on purpose, but sometimes words hurt us even when people aren’t trying to. They make statements without thinking about how we might hear them. Here are a couple examples of ways in which people can unintentionally wound with their words.

Why haven’t you gotten married yet? (implying there must be something wrong with you if you aren’t married)

You aren’t like your brother or sister, are you? (implying that we must be inferior because we don’t share the same skill-set)

I guess you’re not as smart as I thought you were (maybe intended as a compliment, but implying they are disappointed in you)

There are lots of ways in which our words can hurt other people and begin to cause rot and decay in their lives. Paul says that as Christians we must avoid this kind of speech.

D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones looks at this unwholesome, or rotten, talk and points out three characteristics that are generally true of this kind speech.

First, it flows out of excessive speech. It is possible for us to talk a lot but never say anything. The book of Proverbs declares, “When words are many, sin is not absent.” (Proverbs 10:19, NIV) Sometimes we talk as a way to fill the silence while we think. We keep talking in the hopes that we will eventually stumble upon a point. When we aren’t thinking about what we say, we are apt to say something that is rotten. We are in danger of unwholesome talk when we allow ourselves to blather on and on.

Second, it is self-serving. Though sometimes we need to talk about ourselves, we are in dangerous territory when we allow our speech to continually focus on us. Let’s be honest, aren’t there times when our primary purpose in talking is to make ourselves look good? Think about how we sometimes jump in to correct someone else or interject a story about ourselves. We are trying to show how smart or talented we are. In those situations, our speech is self-serving—our goal is to make ourselves look good with no thought of the other person.

When we engage in self-serving speech, we don’t care what others have to say. People who commit this error often interrupt others. They interject and change the subject because they want to control the conversation and bring it back to themselves. You often see this mentality when you get a group of pastors together (I suspect it is the same way in many professions). Each person in the group is in a battle to prove how smart, successful, or spiritual they are. The conversation is difficult to follow because every person jumps in to interject their own self-serving viewpoint. Over time the volume level rises as everyone tries to talk over the group to be heard.

Even when we don’t interrupt others, we can still be self-serving in our conversations. We can let the other person speak without really paying attention to what they are saying. Whether we are simply tuning them out or thinking about what we’re going to say next, this kind of communication is self-serving. A pattern of self-serving talk is unwholesome and rotten.

The third characteristic of unwholesome talk is that it is indelicate. Indelicate speech fails to take into account how our speech might impact other people. When we say things harshly, it is unwholesome. If you’re busy working on something and trying to concentrate, there are two approaches you can take with the person who is being a distraction. One is to tell them to “shut up!” That would be indelicate speech, and would be unwholesome. The other approach would be to consider that the other person didn’t know they were being a distraction. You could say, “I’m trying to concentrate on this project, do you think you could try to keep the volume down for a little bit, because it would help me a lot.” There’s a big difference between those approaches. One is concerned about how the other person will hear what we say; the other is only concerned about getting what we want.

We can also be indelicate when we say things that could be considered vulgar or offensive. When we speak in a vulgar or offensive manner, we are showing disdain for the people around us. Such speech causes rot and decay, and thus is unwholesome.

We don’t have to look very far to see examples of these kinds of speech. The truth is that we have all engaged in this kind of talk at one time or another. I made a list of some specific ways in which we may have engaged in unwholesome talk.

Swearing/taking the Lord’s name in vain

Gossiping about others

Using biting (or painful) sarcasm

Making a joke at the expense of someone else

Coarse/sexual talk or joking

Violent talk

Speaking without taking into account how it might make others feel

These are just a few of the ways we can engage in unwholesome talk, but there are lots more. Paul tells us that we should not allow any of this kind of talk to come out of our mouths. It may be the way the rest of the world talks, but as followers of Christ, we are called to be different.

What to Do Instead

Paul tells us not to let unwholesome talk come out of our mouths, but he also goes a step further and tells us what we should do instead. He says, “but [say] only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Paul says it’s not enough just to avoid saying bad things, but that we should use our speech to build up others! John Piper sums up Paul’s instruction nicely:

The issue is not whether our mouth can avoid gross language; the issue is whether our mouth is a means of grace. You see he shifts from the external fruit to the internal root. He shifts from what we say to why we say it. That's the issue.[1]

Paul’s concern isn’t just that we avoid unwholesome talk, he tells us to change the entire motivation for why we talk. It is not enough for us to simply make ourselves sound clean; we must look for ways to make our words benefit others. Paul’s instruction goes deeper than merely the words we say or the way we say them. Paul’s instruction is about trying to get us to think beyond ourselves, and to use our speech as a way of building up those who hear it.

How Do We Do That?

So how do we begin to develop the kind of speech habits that Paul says should be present in the life of a Christian? We cannot change our speech by mustering up enough willpower to do so. We can only change our speech by first changing our hearts. Jesus, when addressing the religious leaders told them,

“Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” (Matthew 12:33-34, NIV)

Jesus says that what comes out of our mouths is a reflection of what is inside our hearts. What we say (especially in times when we are unguarded) reveals the true nature of what is inside of us. If we want to speak words that are beneficial to others, we need to start by working on what is inside of us.

Here are several things we can do that will help us start making the change from being self-centered people with rotten speech to those who seek to use our words to build up those around us.

First, choose to surround yourself with good influences. We tell our kids that they need to be careful in choosing their friends because their friends will rub off on them, but we often fail to take our own advice. If you surround yourself with unwholesome talk, it shouldn’t surprise you when you begin to think (and talk) like that! When we choose to be around people who tear down others or use vulgar language, we will begin to do the same things. When we watch TV shows or movies, read web sites, or listen to music that speaks like that, we will do the same. In the book of Philippians, Paul gives good advice,

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (Philippians 4:8, NIV)

If we want to be people who are encouragers, we should expose ourselves to others who encourage. Listen to Christian music, hang around those who seem to exhibit this kind of speech, spend time reflecting on Scripture. We become like the influences we surround ourselves with—so we must choose those influences wisely.

Second, listen to yourself. Begin to pay attention to the things that you say. Let’s face it, we often speak without thinking too much about what exactly we are saying. If you have children, you have probably had the same experience that I have: your children say something, and your immediate response is to scold them…until you realize they are simply repeating the things they have heard you say. Our children’s speech patterns can act as a mirror to us to help us see the way we speak. But we shouldn’t need our children to help us examine the things we say! I challenge you to start listening to the words you speak and the way you say them. Ask yourself a simple question—why did I say that? Look carefully at the motives behind why you say what you do, mindful of the fact that our words reveal our hearts.

Third, listen to others. I don’t mean that we listen for all the ways other people mess up in their speech! What I mean is that we need to work at really paying attention to the way other people respond to what we say. When you say something, does the person snap back at you? If so, consider how what you said may have hurt them and caused them to lash out in anger. Learn to listen not just with your ears, but also with your eyes. Watch people’s facial expressions as you speak. See how people wince when you say things that hurt, watch for them to break eye contact with you as though they are ashamed, look for the way their body language changes when you say things that build them up, and how it changes when you say things that wound their spirit. Watch for when people begin to lose interest as a way of knowing when you have begun to ramble.

Noticing the way people respond to what you say will help you be more sensitive to the needs of others. Suppose there is a person who has always been told they are dumb, or that they don’t measure up. You may make a joke about something silly they have done, calling them a dummy or saying, “That wasn’t very smart!” Those words carry more weight than you can imagine to that person. You don’t intend to wound them, and if you aren’t paying attention to the way they respond, you probably won’t even realize that you did. Pay attention not just to the words you say, but also to the way others respond to your words. The way others respond to our words can give us great insight into whether our speech is building them up, or whether it is tearing them down. We can then use that knowledge to adjust the way we speak.

Fourth, think about your thoughts. This is tough to grasp, but remember that everything we say starts as something we think. The Apostle Paul elsewhere tells us to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. Examine the thoughts that run through your mind. Are they positive or negative? If you were to express those thoughts to someone else, would it build them up, or tear them down? We can exercise control over our tongues by exercising control over our thoughts. Choose to give life to positive thoughts, and choose not to express our negative thoughts. In doing so, we are training our minds (and mouths) to be obedient to Christ.

Craig Groeschel, in his book, Soul Detox, gives a really good principle to help us become better at encouraging and building up others. It’s actually quite simple: When you think something good about someone, say it! Train yourself to build up others by working at actually telling them the good things you think about them. We live in a connected age, so this is not nearly as difficult as it would have been in some generations. As you think positive thoughts about another person, share those thoughts with them. You can do it in person, over the phone, in a letter, via text message, in an e-mail, on a Facebook post, or pretty much any way you can think of. The key is simply to begin expressing those positive thoughts. You will find that you become more aware of them the more you express them.

Lastly, enlist the help of a trusted friend. It is a difficult thing to examine our speech. The truth is that our friends are probably more aware of our speech patterns than we are. Find someone you trust, who knows you well, and who you know has your best interests at heart and ask them to help hold you accountable. Give them permission to point out the times when you are being uncaring or hurtful in your words. This is a difficult thing to do, but having a friend who can “shoot straight” with you can help you to be honest with yourself about the things you say.

Conclusion

The task of changing our speech from being rotten to being beneficial is daunting. We are often unaware of all the things we say throughout the course of a day. The idea of trying to examine everything we say to each other is overwhelming. If you’re looking for a starting place, here’s my recommendation: start by working on the way you talk to your family. The time when we are probably most unguarded in our speech is when we are around those with whom we are most comfortable. Look at the way you talk to your spouse, your children, your parents, or your siblings. Become aware of how your words affect those you love, and work at rooting out rotten speech in your home. I suspect that if we can begin to change the way we talk at home, we will begin to see a significant change in the way we will talk elsewhere.

I hope you see that our words are powerful. Words have the power to wound or to heal. They have the power to tear down or to build up. They have the power to rot or to nourish. Paul’s instruction to us is that, as Christians, we must be concerned about the way our lives impact other people. We must look beyond ourselves to the needs of others. If we will strive to apply these principles in the way we talk to each other, we will see a change. People will be drawn to our churches as places where the people really care, Christians will be people that others love to be around—people will say that they just love spending time with us, because they feel uplifted, and people will see the love of Christ simply by spending time in conversation with us. Learning to speak like this requires hard work, but the payoff makes it worth the effort.