Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage - Matthew 19
If I have learned anything over the last few years, it is that very few people want to join “club of the divorced”. I also learned that it is hard to understand the trauma of divorce until you have gone through it. However, when we come to the Word of God we do so not looking for justification for our actions, we seek the heart and will of our Lord and Master. As we do so, we are reminded of our need of God’s grace and mercy in every aspect of our lives; including marriage.
Because this is a text that haunts some people and has been used to bludgeon others I ask you to listen carefully to the entire message rather than merely listening for the part of the message you want to hear.
In our text we find Jesus moving toward Jerusalem. The religious leaders were looking for a way to undercut the popularity of Jesus. They saw Him as dangerous to their power base. So they raised the controversial issue of divorce.
In that day there was a debate going on between two schools. They focused on the interpretation of a text in Deuteronomy 24.
“Suppose a man marries a woman but she does not please him. Having discovered something wrong with her, he writes a document of divorce, hands it to her, and sends her away from his house. 2 When she leaves his house, she is free to marry another man. 3 But if the second husband also turns against her, writes a document of divorce, hands it to her, and sends her away, or if he dies, 4 the first husband may not marry her again, for she has been defiled. That would be detestable to the Lord. You must not bring guilt upon the land the Lord your God is giving you as a special possession.
The text is teaching that you can’t be married, get a divorce, marry someone else, and then get remarried to your original spouse. God views the first spouse as part of your family and therefore to get remarried to them would, in a sense, be incest!
What the Rabbi’s debated was the grounds for divorce. The text says the man found “something indecent in her” (or “something wrong with her” in the NLT). One school of rabbis said this meant the person was sexually unfaithful. The other group took a much more liberal view believing that any dissatisfaction with the marital relationship was grounds for divorce.
The Pharisees believed no matter how Jesus answered their question, He would alienate some people. So, they weren’t sincerely asking about the difficult subject of divorce . . . they were trying to put Jesus into a compromising situation.
This same thing happens today. Very often a crowd will attempt to silence a Christian by asking the question: “Is homosexuality a sin?” No matter how you answer that question you are going to alienate someone. That is the purpose of the question!
With that background, let’s look at how Jesus answered their question.
When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went down to the region of Judea east of the Jordan River. 2 Large crowds followed him there, and he healed their sick.
3 Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?”
4 “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’ 5 And he said, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ 6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
7 “Then why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?” they asked.
8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended. 9 And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”
10 Jesus’ disciples then said to him, “If this is the case, it is better not to marry!”
11 “Not everyone can accept this statement,” Jesus said. “Only those whom God helps. 12 Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.” (Matthew 19:1-12)
We can make some observations from this text.
The Pharisees Were Asking the Wrong Question
The question posed was “under what grounds are you able to get out of marriage?” The right question is: “What did God intend marriage to be?” There is a sense here, like there is today, that divorce is a “right.” God sees it as a concession to the sinfulness of me. It is a distortion of marriage.
The Pharisees quoted Moses regulations for divorce (in their mind justifying divorce) but Jesus pointed out that this concession to divorce was because of sin . . . it was not a good thing! Moses permitted divorce as a way of restricting divorce not as a way of making it easier!
God’s intention for marriage is for it to last a lifetime. Marriage makes two people one. When there is a divorce it is a ripping of that one into two. There is damage; it is damage that does not fully heal. Marriage binds two people together in many ways. You go through times of crisis, sometimes you have children, you come to know each other deeply and intimately. Though divorce may seem like a good thing . . . it is a violent and damaging destruction of the oneness of marriage.
Jesus had no intention of making divorce easier. To give a list of “acceptable grounds for divorce” would essentially be opening the door to more broken homes. It would have been like the “irreconcilable differences” ground today. It can mean just about anything.
Being worried about grounds for divorce is to focus on the wrong issue. The right issue is: ‘How can I build and maintain a strong marriage?’
Jesus, I believe would have us understand several things,
Two people being joined together (in marriage or outside of marriage) is serious business. It creates a bond that is not broken without pain and heartache.
For marriage to last there must be a commitment that takes the marriage vows seriously. Pay close attention to what you are promising your mate . . . and the Lord. These promises are lofty and should be reviewed regularly. They cannot be fulfilled without God’s help.
The wedding ceremony is not the marriage . . . it is only the building permit. When two people are joined in marriage the work is just beginning. To think otherwise is to be naïve.
The threat of divorce should be banished from marriage. Threats weaken the commitment of marriage. We should seek solutions rather than drop bombs.
Divorce is NOT a victimless crime. It IS a big deal. Ask someone who has been divorced against their will whether divorce is a big deal . . . they will tell you that it was a horrible thing to go through. It is not just the couple that must go through this. Children, friends, family and many others are effected by the breakup of a marriage. If there are children, that pain will continue for the rest of life.
We must never take a cavalier attitude toward divorce. Anyone who goes into marriage thinking, “If it doesn’t work out, I’ll just get a divorce!” should not get married!
Divorce is a Reality in a Sinful World
There is one and possibly two grounds for divorce mentioned in the Bible: marital unfaithfulness (Matthew 5) and desertion (1 Corinthians 7). The desertion is in the case of a person who gets married, becomes a believer, and then the spouse wants out because of your new allegiance to Christ. In both these cases the party who was cheated on and the party who was left can remarry . . . but only to a believer.
There are some difficulties we must face. First, what is marital unfaithfulness? Is it only about adultery or does it have a broader definition? Second, Jesus never set out to give us an exhaustive list of reasons for a divorce. So, we don’t know if there are other circumstances under which a divorce would be biblically allowed. In my book on divorce I asked:
So what are the acceptable grounds for divorce? That is a difficult question. What about abuse? And, who defines abuse? (the charge of abuse is one of the most difficult for an innocent person to defend against.) Is it considered infidelity when you lose your spouse to their job or to technology? What about the addict (substances, gambling, pornography)? Does addiction qualify as leaving the relationship? Has a person left the marriage when they disengage even though they continue to live in the same house? These are tough questions the Bible does not answer. (Handbook)
As I have wrestled with this issue (and I HAVE wrestled with this issue) I have arrived at some conclusions.
Divorce always requires repentance. What I mean by this is divorce always means we are unable to fulfill our promise to the Lord (whether we tried diligently to do so or not). Most of us stood and promised something like “for better for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do we part.” A divorce means we will not keep our promise (regardless of how hard we tried). For at least that, we need to seek forgiveness. There are likely other things for which we need to ask forgiveness. There is some shared blame in every divorce.
I’m not saying your divorce was caused because you are a bad person. I’m suggesting that we must take the vows we make VERY seriously because God takes them seriously. Because of that, we should seek forgiveness if we are unable to do what we promised we would do. We must deal with our own personal failures.
Divorce is a tragedy. I know there are some people who are callous about a divorce. They are usually people who left the relationship long before the divorce ever came up.
Most people going through a divorce are hurting. It is true that some people seem oblivious to the hurt. These people will stand before God and give an account for their actions. But for most, this is a devastating time that changes EVERYTHING. These are people who have been rejected by the person they trusted. Their family, their security, and even the strength they felt in partnership has all been dealt a critical blow. Their past good memories have been called into question. There is a very real question of: “was any of it real?” The church does not help these people by beating them up or adding to their rejection. In this time of heartache, the church needs to be the church more than ever before.
The people of God must stand up for marriage. However, we must also stand with those who are wounded while they were married. God does hate divorce (he says so in the book of Malachi) because it is a violation of his design. However, that does not mean God hates divorced people. God hates what divorce does. He hates what it does to people, to families, and even to society in general. But, God is always close to the broken-hearted. We should do likewise. In the same way, God hates sickness . . . He does not hate sick people.
Forgiveness brings a new beginning. Jesus says anyone who divorces their spouse and marries another commits adultery. Those words haunt people who get remarried after divorce. I’ve wrestled long and hard with these words. I believe Jesus was addressing a common problem and the underlying reason behind many divorces . . . to be with someone else. I think Jesus is saying “Anyone who gets divorced so they can marry someone else may legally be OK but . . . in God’s mind it is adultery.
When it comes to remarriage here are the conclusions I have come to:
Divorce is not the unforgiveable sin. Rejecting Christ as Savior and Lord is the sin that cannot be forgiven.
Since divorce is forgivable it means (I believe) as a forgiven person we stand before God sinless . . . we are free to enter a new relationship provided we have taken responsibility for our own failures and repented of those things. To not learn from the divorce means you will likely repeat the same things in the new relationship. We are only to marry another believer.
New relationships that are anchored in the healing of forgiveness can be blessed by God.
New relationships will continue to carry shrapnel from their former marriage and that “baggage” must be addressed. It is not easy to build a good second marriage.
Having faced the brokenness of the past and experienced God’s forgiveness, we move forward working to build the best possible relationship in the present.
Being Single is Not a Second-Class Status
There are three types of single people in the world: those who have made peace with their singleness and are using it for the glory of God; those who are single and ACT like they are married; and those who are single, but want to be married.
When the disciples talked to Jesus after his comments on divorce they remarked that it was very hard to be married by the standards God sets. Jesus said, we all need God’s help. Then He added,
Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.”
Jesus pointed out that some are single by choice and others are single by circumstance. No matter why you are single you should seek to honor and serve God in your status. This of course, also holds true if you are married.
Conclusions
To those who are single: serve God in your singleness! To hurry and rush out to “find someone” is a mistake. That will generally lead to heartache. Let marriage find you. If it does not, serve the Lord with gladness, not as a second-class citizen but as one who has been given the gift of time. Guard your purity. Do not use singleness to engage in reckless behavior where you use other people for pleasure without commitment. Such behavior leaves scars . . . on you and on the people with whom you are involved.
To those who are married: Keep working hard at your marriage! Over the course of time it is easy to take your spouse for granted. It is easy to see the things that annoy and forget the things that are treasures. It is easy to be distracted. Don’t let that happen!
To have a strong marriage requires keeping our focus on the Lord. We must look to Him to meet our needs and not our spouse! To ask your spouse to meet needs that only God can meet is to guarantee a feeling a disenchantment and disappointment with your spouse. Focus on serving your spouse rather than complaining about what they are not doing for you!
Gary Thomas suggests that you ask yourself: “How would I want someone to treat my son or daughter? Then treat your spouse that way because they are the son or daughter of God! It is a challenging principle: God is your Father-in-Law!
To those who have been divorced: we ache with you. Your marriage has failed but God has not rejected you. He loves you as much as He ever has. He wants to help you heal. He promises to give you strength.
If we, the church, have added to your pain in any way, please forgive us. We want to help you up – not beat you up! We want to help you put aside the bitterness, the resentment, the anger, and the brokenness. We want to help you to continue to serve the Lord even though it may be in new ways.
There may be someone listening to this here in the sanctuary or around the world on the Internet, YouTube, or on the Radio, who is in the midst of the searing pain of divorce. You may think your life is over. You may even believe it would be better to end your life. You are not thinking clearly!
Your life is not over . . .it may be in pieces, but it is not over. The Bible records accounts of God taking broken people and making them new. He took broken people and used them to change the world for the good. My friend, in this time of desperation CHOOSE TO LIVE! Trust God even now . . . especially now! His forgiveness is bigger than your failure. His healing is bigger than your hurt. His love does not waver. He is trustworthy. Hang on to Him. Cling to the Word of God. Be honest in the time of prayer. Call for help. He will answer. How can I be so sure? Because he answered me.