When You Lose Someone You Love - Genesis 23

©Copyright June 16, 2019 by Rev. Bruce Goettsche

Since coming to La Harpe I have conducted around 300 funerals. I have spoken for over a dozen years at the McDonough County Hospice Service of Remembrance. I have buried both of my parents and my grandparents. I have conducted some very difficult funerals. From all this exposure to death I know loss is never easy. It doesn't matter at what age someone dies or even how they die, we are never ready to cut those ties. The emptiness is palpable. It is a time when faith is intensely practical.

We don't like to think about death. This is probably the reason 50% of those who die, do so without a will. They all meant to get a will; they just were not ready to think about dying yet. Unfortunately, it is something that happens to all of us. It is best to prepare ahead of time, so we can die faithfully.

This morning we get an extended look at the death of Sarah, and her burial. On the surface we may wonder why we are given this uncommon glimpse at the arrangements for a burial place, and the negotiations to secure that burial spot. Abraham did not have the same kind of faith that we have as Christians who know about the resurrection of Jesus. However, he does show remarkable faith in the way he handles the loss of his wife. His faith will hopefully inspire our own faith.

Abraham Grieved

When Sarah was 127 years old, 2she died at Kiriath-arba (now called Hebron) in the land of Canaan. There Abraham mourned and wept for her.

It doesn't matter how long someone lives; loss is not easy. Abraham and Sarah had their disagreements. They made their mistakes. But they loved each other. They were devoted to each other. There is something tender, personal, private, and even beautiful about grief.

Not everyone grieves the same. Not every situation evokes the same kind of grief. Sometimes when a funeral takes place the shock to the system shelters you from tears and everyone thinks you are doing "great" when the truth is, the loss hasn't even sunk in yet. At other times, with a lingering death you have been grieving over a long period of time, and you may not have any tears left. People may think you are unfeeling, but in reality, you are simply numb. It is hard to make generalized statements about how people express their grief.

What we do know is grief is a natural counterpart to love. When you have loved greatly, the loss is more profound. So, in some ways, a great feeling of loss means you have been profoundly and wonderfully blessed in knowing love. You hurt, because you loved. People who don't care, don't grieve. Tears of grief and sadness are not an embarrassment; they are a testimony to the relationship you had (or sometimes to the relationship you always wanted to have.)

Abraham grieved greatly for the partner who had shared so much with him on the journey of following God's promise. Wouldn't you love to know the discussions the two of them had over the years about the things God was doing and said He would do, in their lives?

There are no words to make the pain of grief go away. J.I. Packer writes,

All our attempts to put grief into words seem to us inadequate. At the very time when grief and our verbalizings of it bring us to tears, we find ourselves feeling that our grief is really too deep for tears and too agonizing for words. As we struggle with the ache of loss, the grip of our grief imposes a kind of relationship paralysis. . . a most painful part of the pain of grief is the sense that no one, however sympathetic and supportive in intention, can share what we are feeling, and it would be a betrayal of our love for the lost one to pretend otherwise. So, we grieve alone, and the agony is unbelievable.[1]

We sometimes stay away from people who are grieving because "we don't know what to say." If you have gone through a deep loss you know you would rather people stop talking, and hug you or sit quietly with you, or do some of those things you just can't bear to think about doing right now.

Abraham Made Preparations

One of the most difficult things to do after a death is go to the funeral home and prepare for the burial of someone you love. It is a job we just do not want to do. There are so many decisions that don't do anything to bring back the person we love. Abraham had to make preparations for the burial of his wife.

3Then, leaving her body, he said to the Hittite elders, 4“Here I am, a stranger and a foreigner among you. Please sell me a piece of land so I can give my wife a proper burial.”

5The Hittites replied to Abraham, 6“Listen, my lord, you are an honored prince among us. Choose the finest of our tombs and bury her there. No one here will refuse to help you in this way.”

7Then Abraham bowed low before the Hittites 8and said, “Since you are willing to help me in this way, be so kind as to ask Ephron son of Zohar 9to let me buy his cave at Machpelah, down at the end of his field. I will pay the full price in the presence of witnesses, so I will have a permanent burial place for my family.”

10Ephron was sitting there among the others, and he answered Abraham as the others listened, speaking publicly before all the Hittite elders of the town. 11“No, my lord,” he said to Abraham, “please listen to me. I will give you the field and the cave. Here in the presence of my people, I give it to you. Go and bury your dead.”

12Abraham again bowed low before the citizens of the land, 13and he replied to Ephron as everyone listened. “No, listen to me. I will buy it from you. Let me pay the full price for the field so I can bury my dead there.”

14Ephron answered Abraham, 15“My lord, please listen to me. The land is worth 400 pieces of silver, but what is that between friends? Go ahead and bury your dead.”

16So Abraham agreed to Ephron’s price and paid the amount he had suggested—400 pieces of silver, weighed according to the market standard. The Hittite elders witnessed the transaction.

Abraham is a long way from home. He went to the Hittite leaders for a suitable place to bury Sarah. Abraham asked permission to buy a cave owned by a man named Ephron. What takes place next is a bargaining session; it is how business was done. Ephron offered to give him not just the cave, but the "field and the cave." This sounds generous but it was really Ephron's way of saying, I won't sell you the cave unless you buy the whole field. Did Ephron see a chance to make a profit off of a foreigner? Perhaps, but we will never know.

Abraham heard what Ephron said and said he would buy the whole field from him at full price. Ephron, still showing the politeness of the negotiation said, "What is 400 pieces of silver between friends?" Ephron is telling Abraham he will sell the land for 400 pieces of silver.

From what scholars tell us, this guy really jacked up the price.

Abraham (who could afford the price) did not haggle. Ephron was likely expecting to negotiate so started with a high asking price. Abraham does not want to haggle over the price of the tomb in which he left the remains of his wife. He wanted to get it taken care of and paid the stated amount. His beloved wife could now be laid to rest.

Abraham Acts in Faith

It seems like the story is over and time to roll the credits. But there is actually much more to the story.

17So Abraham bought the plot of land belonging to Ephron at Machpelah, near Mamre. This included the field itself, the cave that was in it, and all the surrounding trees. 18It was transferred to Abraham as his permanent possession in the presence of the Hittite elders at the city gate. 19Then Abraham buried his wife, Sarah, there in Canaan, in the cave of Machpelah, near Mamre (also called Hebron). 20So the field and the cave were transferred from the Hittites to Abraham for use as a permanent burial place.

Notice the text tells us that Abraham purchased the entire plot of land, the field, the cave, and the trees. The trees were an important part of the transaction. The purchase was witnessed by the elders and the deed was in essence given to Abraham in a legal land transfer. Notice we are told in verse 18 this is given to Abraham as his permanent possession. In verse 20 we are told once again that this was sold to Abraham for use as a permanent burial place.

This is significant for a couple of reasons. First, this plot of land became the burial site not just for Sarah, but for Abraham, Isaac, his wife Rebekah, Jacob, and his wife Leah.

The second reason this is significant is where the lights really go on! This is the first parcel of land Abraham owned in the Promised land! Perhaps Abraham didn't negotiate for a better price not because he was a poor businessman but because he knew this first parcel in the land God promised to him was worth whatever it cost him!

I have often said, mostly in jest, that I have thought about buying some burial plots in La Harpe so I could actually say I owned some property! But this is EXACTLY what Abraham is doing! Abraham had been wandering and waiting for many years. Now, he had that first plot of land the Lord had promised to him. It was Abraham's way of claiming God's promise. Abraham does not turn away in the time of grief . . . HE PUTS DOWN ROOTS!

This was the first step in a truly permanent transition. Normally you would make the journey to be buried in your ancestral homeland. Now Abraham was claiming his new homeland! He was trusting God. He was acting in faith. He was resting in God's promise. No one would bury a loved one on land that someday might be taken from them. This was not a tentative move; this was a confident act of faith.

In my book, Faith Lessons, this was one of my favorite chapters. Let me quote what I wrote there,

What a powerful picture this is for you and me. Abraham focused on the promise even in his time of sadness and loss. He did not withdraw from God; he stood squarely on God's promise. And if we want to get through the times of grief, we must do the same.

God has promised us that eternal life is given to all who trust in Christ. He promises that we will be reunited with all who believe. He promises that He will never leave us or forsake us. He promises that He will be close to the broken-hearted.

At a time of loss, we must ask ourselves the same question Abraham asked: "Do I really believe the promise?" It's easy to profess belief at other times, but when you are facing loss, faith becomes intensely practical and real. When someone we love dies, the resurrection of Jesus is no longer an academic issue; it is intensely practical and relevant. At a time when your life seems to be falling apart, God's love for you, and His control over the events of life, is no longer something for the theologians to debate. It is personal. Do we believe God's promises or don't we?[2]

Abraham who seemed to waver at faith at first in his life, is now steadfast and strong. He was like someone learning to ride a bicycle: at the beginning he has good intentions but keeps falling over. As he progresses, he is like the little child who is shaky as she rides tentatively. But she keeps riding, and in a matter of what seems like seconds, she is off riding with her friends. Abraham's faith has grown. He misses his wife but now he knows exactly where to turn and who to trust. He points to a future day.

Applications

I want to give you three "takeaways" that we can draw from this text. There is nothing profound here. I hope this is just simple wisdom. Sometimes we need to be reminded of what is otherwise overlooked.

Grieving Does Not Denote a Lack of Faith. When there is a death, and someone begins to cry what is it they usually say? I'm . . . sorry. Why are we sorry? What is wrong with admitting that you are going to miss someone? When you cry you are sharing something deep and personal with us and we are honored that you feel free to do so.

Experts say you may be grieving for two years or more. Grief needs to be expressed. If people can't express their grief they will stuff that grief, and it will eat away at them on the inside. Grief can become a problem in our life when:

We fixate on the grief as if we feel we cannot move forward without doing violence to the memory of the person we have lost.

We become depressed and withdraw from all former involvements. Sometimes we even withdraw from the rest of the family,

We internalize the grief which sours our conscious life with bitterness, cynicism, apathy, cosmic resentment, and unforgiveness of those who may have contributed to the death in any way or those who we deem have grieved inappropriately. (Packer p. 164)

If you can't seem to work through your grief, then it may be time to talk to a counselor. Too many people stop living because someone they loved has died. I make a point at the Hospice services to remind people that the person who died, has invested in you! They would want to see a dividend on their investment!

Don't give up on someone who is grieving. Just because we have begun to deal with a loss does not mean everyone has done so. We get weary too soon. We wonder why someone "can't get over" the loss. And because it is uncomfortable to keep going over the same ground with someone, you start pulling away.

You don't GET OVER loss. You learn to deal with it; to live with it. You learn how to remember and give thanks, rather than remember, and fall apart.

Keep an eye on those friends and family members who are grieving. Share your memories of the person over whom they grieve. Will they cry? Maybe. They may also laugh. It is part of the process. What people who grieve fear most is not someone bringing up the person who has died . . . what they fear is people acting like they never lived! We don't want people to forget!

Share your stories. Ask about their stories. If you're tired of hearing the same old stories again and again, ask a question that will provoke a new story. What we need most in a time of grief is someone who gives us permission to grieve and to work through the process of grief. There is nothing more valuable than a friend who allows us to share memories, regrets, guilt, gratitude without feeling they need to "fix" things.

In the time of loss, focus on the future. We can keep reliving past joys, mourning past losses, and continually looking backwards but I think it is better (and certainly more fun) to look ahead. Abraham remembered that God's promises were not exhausted in this life. There is much more to come.

Singer and songwriter Jeremy Camp lost his wife to cancer at the age of 23 just 100 days after they were married. They believed his wife had been healed of cancer. Suddenly everything went bad and it was obvious she had not been healed. During the intense grief that followed, Camp worked hard to listen to God. Some of his most enduring songs came out of this time of grief and seeking God. God will teach us through the painful times if we will let him. We will learn some of our most valuable lessons about trust, compassion and even ourselves if we will look to Him and not shut ourselves off.

Once we see death as pointing to a future day, we will be much more able to handle loss. Death is more a graduation, and promotion, than tragedy, for the believer. Puritan Christopher Love writes,

In the primitive times, at funerals, they were wont to sing psalms of thanksgiving. We should bring them as champions to the grave as those who have passed the pikes, finished the course, kept the faith, and have conquered the world, sin, death, and danger."[3]

Abraham's actions show he kept His eyes on the Lord and his focus on what was ahead, not behind. Abraham's faith has grown rapidly as we have seen him later in life. This doesn't mean Abraham didn't miss Sarah. I am sure there were times he wanted to tell her about his day. I suspect on occasion he thought he saw her in a crowded marketplace. Maybe he even felt her presence. There were times when Abraham likely rolled over and reached for his partner and remembered once again that she was gone. And perhaps in those moments, Abraham, through moist eyes, patted the spot where she used to sleep and simply said, "Someday."

I hope when we face death, either for ourselves or someone we love, that we will be equally faithful. May we see it as one more step to our future inheritance in Christ.

[1] J.I. Packer A Grief Sanctified (1977) p. 160

[2] Bruce Goettsche, Faith Lessons, 2001, 2018 p.

[3] Don Kistler A Spectacle Unto God (Soli Deo Gloria) p. 166