Burden of Disappointment

The burden of disappointment can be great. As parents we inevitably disappoint our children as they grow up, either by decisions we make or sometimes by our inability to provide something they desire. As children sometimes we disappoint our parents with some of the choices we make or at least we think we do. We can disappoint mentors, our congregations, teachers, students, employees, siblings, family members...there have even been times when I’ve felt like I’ve disappointed my dogs by leaving them alone too much. Let it suffice to say that we can disappoint just about anyone we come into contact with. And when we do it feels really bad.

But some of the greatest disappointments I’ve experienced in my life have come when I’ve let myself down. Most often that has come in the world of academia. Beginning in middle school teachers told me that I was so smart, and that if I would just apply myself there was no limit to what I could do. By high school teachers began adding that if I weren’t so lazy I could really go places. By the time I was working on my bachelors degree at Colorado State University in the early 2000’s I was a newly single mom, working two jobs, and going to school full time. I knew what I needed to do to succeed in my classwork, and I knew I had the intelligence to do so. But there came a point when I simply couldn’t do it. Every time I would meet with classmates to study in the library I got sick to my stomach. I couldn’t concentrate on my readings (which as a history major is very problematic.) Even though the information was floating around in my head I simply couldn’t seem to get my papers written. So with only one more semester needed to graduate I dropped out of school. As Paul said in Romans today, I simply could not understand my own actions. Several years later I found out that I had been living my entire life with ADHD. In the years that followed I learned that many people with ADHD have interest-based nervous systems, meaning that it is much harder for us to pick up book to read, or sit to write a paper or, yes even a sermon, without an interest trigger. It’s one of the reasons that you’ll find that so many brilliant artists, singers, and creatives have ADHD. But even with this knowledge I couldn’t overcome the disappointment I felt in myself for not finishing my degree. Fast forward a few more years and I find out that I also live with depression and anxiety. As I learned what that meant for me my doctor asked if I’d ever gotten physically ill when trying to study or concentrate. I remember completely breaking down, as I began to realize that I wasn’t really lazy and I really had tried to apply myself. So when I finally went back to finish my bachelors degree in preparation to attend seminary I met with a counselor in the student disabilities office (or as I like to think of it, the office that helps those of us who happen to learn differently) and put together resources and a plan to help me succeed. Now people with conditions like ADHD, Clinical Depression, and Anxiety Disorders can usually muscle through a challenging time, even for months. But at a certain point we often completely crash. Like burning the candle at both ends, it can only go on for so long. So for the three months that it took me to finish my bachelors degree I utilized every resource at my disposal accomplishing nothing short of a miracle, 16 upper level college credits in condensed summer sessions. Then it was time to begin seminary. And all of the sudden, despite having the tools I needed and knowing what I needed to do, I couldn’t always do it. Even though not doing it left me feeling disappointed in myself. It was so very frustrating.

I wander if this is kind of what Paul was feeling when he wrote our passage from Romans today. If not exactly, it makes me feel that if he were here with us today he would at least understand where I was coming from. And I’m heartened by the the last few sentences he writes, “I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does.”

You see I don’t think that disappointment in oneself is limited to my specific situation or Paul’s situation in Romans. I’ve felt it in my Christian walk, as a wife, mother, daughter, sibling, granddaughter, niece, friend, student, and vicar. For those of us who call ourselves Christians, trying to measure up to the example of Christ is incredibly daunting and completely unattainable. Yes you heard me correctly…completely unattainable. So now that we have that established we can stop being so disappointed in ourselves.

It’s only taken four full semesters, a summer session, and two January sessions of seminary but I’m really starting to grasp this thing called grace. Toward the end of our reading from Matthew today Jesus says to each of us, “Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.” For some reason, somewhere in my subconscious I thought that I had a certain allotment of grace, and that once it was used up I was out of luck. But my professors and classmates and mentors have patiently extended that grace to me over and over. So much so that when I read those words, “Learn the unforced rhythms of grace,” my heart broke open anew. In our reading from Matthew Jesus is telling me and all of us that we do not have to figure this all out on our own. Even if we know what we should do, we aren’t even supposed to do it alone. We are meant to walk alongside God, alongside Christ in the Scripture, alongside God the Parent in comfort, alongside God the Holy Spirit in guidance. This thing we call life, cannot be lived as fully as we as Christians are called to live it without the constant presence of the Triune God. Because even if we know what to do, it is beyond our power to do it without the Triune God. And the Triune God is present and real and with us, this is the promise for all people.

AMEN.