The Foundation of Every Healthy Relationship
Notes
Transcript
Lord, Help Me!
Lord, Help Me!
Sara’s 5-year reunion out of college.
Stephens College, Columbia, MO. NOW central.
“My Sara, that’s quite a change for you!”
1st grade teacher who was so good you would sell your home and move into her district to get your kids in her class.
Banquet, she asked me, “So, Steve, what is this that the Bible says women are supposed to submit to men?!”
No more hostile environment I could have been asked that Q.
I prayed a quick, silent, and very desperate prayer, “Lord, help!”
How do I do this, honor God and survive the night?
Long story short, I started w/ my responsibility as a husband to love Sara as Jesus loves the church.
Then I asked her a question, “Do you think, if Sara knew that I was only thinking of her first and what she wants, would she have a problem w/ any decision I make?”
What I hadn’t realized, as the conversation had gone on for about 20 minutes, the whole room had grown silent and was listening to us.
When there was a pause, Sara elbowed me subtly and said, “Change the subject!”
What we found out later was this sharp, attractive, consummate professional teacher, was living w/ a boyfriend who was abusive.
He didn’t respect her. She didn’t respect him. And, she wanted no part of submitting to him.
There were all kinds of issues here, but there were 2 main issues w/ her perspective.
The bible does not say women are to submit to men. It’s in the context of marriage, so wives to husbands.
It is the responsibility of the husband first, to create and environment where the wife would have no problem deferring to any decision her husband makes.
How? does he do this? By loving her the way Jesus loves the church and considering her wants and needs before his own.
The foundation of every healthy relationship (marriage, family, community, country) is the commitment to be considerate of everybody else first before you consider yourself.
No one should demand their own rights. Everyone should fulfill their own responsibilities to everyone else.
And, God, thru Peter, has laid out some pretty clear responsibilities for us to pursue.
First, we have to remember the context and get the overall intent of our priority in these relationships.
Peter has commanded some pretty difficult things in a pretty difficult time in their lives.
But, he is consistent in pointing to Jesus’ example and doing hard things to build others up before going the easy route to get what you want for yourself.
This week, Peter dives into marriage.
Remember how stressed they were and what they had had to give up to be where they were at that time.
When I’m stressed, it’s possible that occasionally, I allow it a little bit, to affect how I treat Sara.
So, what does Peter say about a godly marriage in stressful times?
I’m going to take this out of order and begin at the end of this passage.
B/C, the responsibility lies w/ the husband to create the environment.
Husbands
Husbands
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
“In the same way” What way?
Look at 3:1 and what he says about wives.
“Wives, In the same way”. There is is again. What way?
Back up more.
The way slaves were able to bring a good attitude and application of this w/out resisting, retaliating, resenting, or threatening whether their master treated them kindly or harshly b/c Jesus did it this way.
That way. The way Jesus did it. No matter how He was received or how he was treated He accepted the responsibility to fulfill his calling and be gracious to everyone around Him.
That same way. Husbands and wives.
Husbands, in the same way, what? Be considerate of your wife.
That means consider what she wants, what she needs before you consider what you want.
What about headship? Who is the head of the relationship and what does that mean?
Headship is not about a husband being able to demand his way. Headship is about the responsibility to think of your wife first and serve her.
The concept of headship goes back to Genesis and the Garden. Adam was created first. The order was intentional and has implications for us today.
But then, everything got skewed when Adam and Eve sinned and God cursed them.
Adam’s part of the curse had to do w/ supporting the family, putting food on the table. They were already gardeners.
God put them in the Garden and instructed them to tend it.
The curse introduced bugs, weeds, and fungus. Gardening became a toil.
Eve’s part of the curse had to do w/ family. Pain in childbirth. But then, God said this in Genesis 3:16
To the woman he said,
“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;
with painful labor you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you.”
The desire is not physical attraction. What the language means is a desire to control, or rule over.
But, then God assigned the head of household to the husband.
Let that sink in. The wife has an innate desire to be in control and God put husbands as the head of household.
We were set up for conflict.
Be encouraged. If you have conflict in your marriage it’s b/c God set us up that way. You’re not necessarily in trouble.
Why would God do this?
So that we would humbly ask Him for help and commit ourselves to surrendering our rights and desires and fulfill our responsibilities to each other.
So, being considerate of your wife does not come naturally. We have to intend for it to happen. And, just b/c we’ve done it once, does not mean we’ve fulfilled our lifelong vow.
We’ve got to keep doing it.
Husbands, we have to know what our wife wants, likes, needs, and has as goals. We need to know what frustrates her and where her strengths and weaknesses lie.
Then, decide accordingly.
I was such a male clod when we got married, dumb as dirt, it took me longer than it should have to figure some of these things out. I’m still working on it.
Gary Chapman wrote a book called, “The 5 Love Languages”
Everybody has a primary way that makes us feel loved. When somebody performs your love language for you it makes you feel like they love you.
I didn’t understand this at all at first. But, what I did see clearly was that when Sara came back from her girlfriend weekends she energized and felt very good about herself.
Now I know, her primary love language is quality time.
So, as her husband, if I want her to feel loved by me, it’s my responsibility to give her quality time.
And, I want her to feel loved by her friends so I encourage her to get quality time from them.
Weekend trips, visiting in the parking lot on Saturdays, coffee in in the mornings, cards and bunco groups.
These things take time, take her away from me, but things go much better w/ me after she’s had quality time w/ her friends.
As head, my responsibility is to know my wife well enough to know what she needs and give her every opportunity to get it.
That is being considerate of her. Rather than demanding she take that time for me.
Peter says another aspect of being considerate is to treat her w/ respect.
The Greek word is “time’”
It means to elevate her. Put her on a pedestal. Treat her like a queen. How you talk to her, about her, how you describe her to others. Never use derogatory terms. Only build her up to her face and behind her back.
How you handle her. Gently. Never strike her or abuse her.
Paul talks about husbands and wives in Ephesians 5.
Interestingly enough, he says this in 5:33
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
This Greek word is different. It’s “phobeo”
This reverence. The picture is to bow down to. Treat him like a king. And a king’s subjects would bow down to him.
Same basic idea, How you talk to him, about him. how you describe him to others. Never in derogatory terms. Only complement him and build him up; to his face and to others.
Now, look at the picture Peter and Paul create of a godly marriage.
Peter says husbands should put their wife on a pedestal.
Paul says wive should bow down to their husband.
Where then do they find themselves? Eye to eye. Equals.
Paul also says this in Eph. 5:21
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
v.22 begins the marriage passage. But, the verb ‘submit’ is not in that verse that we translate, “Wives, submit to your husband.”
Greek grammar rules say when there is no verb in a sentence it is implied from the context.
That ties v.21 to the marriage passage.
Submit to each other. Yes, there are times when it is appropriate for a husband to submit to his wife.
This how it worked in our marriage.
I’d come home from work...
Not the time for me to walk in and start barking orders.
What do you need for me to do. And, I’d do it.
Paul’s motivation for all this? “Out of reverence for Christ.”
Same motivation Peter gave us. No, none of us are not worth this. We don’t deserve t/b loved and respected like this.
God really doesn’t care. Treat each other this way regardless of how you are treated.
Grace is the example of Christ. Undeserved, unearned, and regardless of reciprocation.
v.25 where Paul said that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. How did he do that?
He gave everything up for us.
We have no right to demand what we want. And, no, they are not worth it. Again, God really doesn’t care.
Grace. Which Peter refers to in his writing, too.
He says we are joint heirs of the gracious gift of life.
Just your friendly reminder that you don’t deserve what Jesus did for you. So, God does not want to hear you whine that your wife does not deserve t/b treated like a queen.
As far as the weaker partner, a generalization that men are physically stronger than women and are not to use their strength advantage to make their wife do what they want them to do.
If we do take advantage of our strength, if we are not considerate of our wives first, if we don’t treat them like the queen, then it messes up our relationship w/ God.
This is an act of ob to God. And, to not do these things is directly disob and cause our prayer lives to buffer mercilessly.
You ever try to watch a video that buffers constantly. There is no way you can understand what is going on for the constant interruptions.
If we mistreat our wives we will have an impossible time understanding what God is leading us to do. You cannot know what decisions God wants you to make until you start treating your wife w/ the respect she does not deserve.
What about headship? It is the husbands responsibility to create the environment for this to happen. He goes first.
We are going t/b held accountable for this.
We didn’t ask for it. God assigned it. We can’t abdicate it, either.
What about wives? Once the husband sets the stage, then wives have their responsibilities, too.
Wives
Wives
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
In the same way.
Same motive: reverence for Christ. Not your husbands good behavior. B/C, sometimes we don’t behave well.
Same application: when times are good and when they aren’t.
Same attitude: w/out resentment, retaliation, or revenge.
Nobody is exempt. Everybody is called to set aside their personal agendas for the good of everybody else.
No one bears a greater burden than anybody else. Except, it is the husband’s responsibility to go first.
But, what if they don’t? Is the wife freed to be selfish, nag, lecture, complain, try to manipulate him, or criticize him to her girlfriends?
No.
Ladies, live your life in such a way that influences him to consider Jesus. Let your life represent the gospel.
Let your actions speak.
Reverent, respectable behavior. A high standard of morality.
Yes, it will get frustrating. I know wives who have tired of being the only parent who believes and her husband won’t come to church or help with the spiritual development of the children.
It’s tempting to give in and give up on the marriage.
Can she stick it out? Is it possible?
In this culture it’s improbable. But, it’s definitely possible b/c of what Jesus does for her, she can do this for Him. And, the strength that raised Jesus from the dead is available to help her.
Probably not too many ladies have had beauty consultants who were fishermen. Just coming in off the sea and making perfume recommendations.
He probably didn’t care too much about his own hair. Cream rinse, shampoo for fish oily hair?
Did he even know what a color wheel is? Was his wife an autumn or a summer?
Anyway, his point here is for ladies to not allow what you do to your outside to overshadow the beauty of your faith and heart on the inside.
He’s not saying don’t wear make-up, or don’t do your hair or wear nice clothes.
Whatever you do, emphasize the beauty w/in. The focus of attention, what you draw ppl’s attention to, should be what is inside you, not on you.
Among the qualities described from w/in is, gentleness, or meekness.
Meek is not weak, nor passive. Meek is very strong. We tend to think of oak trees in terms of strength. But, what happens to an oak in a tornado? It gets knocked down or broken in half.
A palm tree seems flimsy. But in the most violent hurricanes they survive b/c they have incredible strength and flexibility.
They are not rigid like an oak. They give w/ the wind and submit to the forces of God.
A woman who is gentle or meek, is not rigid, demanding her own way. Not pushy. But, flexible, pliable. Able to bend, submit to the appropriate authority in her life and keep the peace.
Sarah, Abraham’s wife is an example. She did not give in to her fears. What fears?
She was not afraid she was not going to get what she needs in life b/c her husband was a considerate man who thought of her before he thought of himself.
It takes real security to quickly sacrifice what you want believing you will eventually get it anyway. Rather than going after it yourself, allow your husband to do it for you.
Not passive. Faith over fear.
A husband thinking of his wife first, sacrificing what he wants.
A wife, not thinking of herself first, allowing her husband to do what God has called him to do and give her what she wants.
That’s how a godly marriage works. And, it’s also how friendship works, family works, and a community works together to create an environment of respect and love.
Everybody looking out for everybody else before they look out for themselves.
I like the math here.
If there are 50 ppl in the room, and everybody is looking out for everybody else in the room, how many ppl do you have looking out for you and your needs? 49
If everybody is selfishly looking out for themselves first and nobody else, how may ppl are looking out for you and your needs? 1
Applications
Applications
Single
Single
This is the foundation for every relationship.
Is there are relationship you are in, friendship or dating, where you are thinking more about getting what you want rather than doing what they want?
Adjust your thinking, start thinking of them first.
Or, are you in a relationship where the other person is not thinking about what you want first.
No marriage commitment.
Do you need to distance yourself from that person just like that friend of Sara’s who needed to distance herself from that boyfriend?
Wives
Wives
Do you need to take a little beauty advice from a fisherman?
Are you hiding the beauty that you have inside? Hiding behind your clothes, hair, jewelry?
Let your faith, love of Jesus, your heart, shine brighter than your clothes.
Gentleness, meekness, is strength.
Let God move you the way the wind moves a palm tree.
You will feel a lot better about yourself.
Husbands
Husbands
Do you know what your wife wants?
Maybe you need to become a student of your wife and even at your age get to know her better.
It is our responsibility to go first. God will hold us accountable for creating the environment in our homes where our wives feel secure enough to give up what they want.
They can only do that if they know for sure you are thinking of them first.
Are you? Does she know that?
Ask God to help you make sure she knows.
The foundation of every good relationship, marriage, family, friendship, community, is the active pursuit of the wants and needs of everyone else around you.
Grace. We need it from God b/c we don’t deserve what He does for us.
The ppl around you need it from you b/c they don’t deserve what God has called you to do for them, either.
This is what heals marriages, communities and countries.