What Draws Me To People

WHAT DRAWS ME TO PEOPLE?

Understanding the qualities you enjoy in others

The basis of life is people and how they relate to each other. Our success, fulfillment, and happiness depends upon our ability to relate effectively. The best way to be­come a person that others are drawn to is to develop quali­ties that we are attracted to in others.

I received an anonymous card from a member of my congregation. It was especially meaningful because it reflected the impor­tance of warm, rewarding relationships:

When special people touch our lives then suddenly we see how beautiful and wonderful our world can really be. They show us that our special hopes and dreams can take us far by helping us look inward and believe in who we are. They bless us with their love and joy through everything they give. When special people touch our lives they teach us how to live.

Does that reflect the kind of person you are to others? It was a humbling blessing for me to receive such a greeting card. As we consider what qualities we need to develop in our lives—the qualities we enjoy in others.

This poster in a Nordstrom department store once caught my attention: “The only difference between stores is the way they treat their customers.” That’s a bold state­ment. Most stores would advertise the quality of their mer­chandise or their wide selection as what sets them apart from the rest. The difference between Nordstrom and other stores, according to an employee of the competition, is that other stores are organization-oriented; Nordstrom is peo­ple-oriented. Their employees are trained to respond quick­ly and kindly to customer complaints. As a result, accord­ing to writer Nancy Austin, “Nordstrom doesn’t have customers; it has fans.”

A study by TARP, Technical Assistance Research Pro­grams, in Washington, D.C., shows that most customers won’t complain to management if something goes wrong with the purchase. But TARP found out that, depending on the severity of the problem, an average customer will tell between 9 ~ind 16 friends and acquaintances about his bad experience. Some 13 percent will tell more than 20 people! More than two out of three customers who’ve received poor service will never buy from that store again and, worse, management will never know why.

Every company is bound to goof now and then, but from the customer’s perspective, what’s important is that the company responds. This is the secret of the Nordstrom success. The TARP study also shows that 95 percent of dissatisfied customers will buy from the store again if their problems are solved quickly. Even better, they will each tell eight people of the situation’s happy conclusion. The trick for managers and salespeople is to give customers ample time to offer feedback on the service they receive.

There are some principles from these reports that should speak to us about our relation­ships with others:

§ Are we quick to respond to others’ needs?

§ Do we run from problems or face them?

§ Do we talk more about bad news or good news?

§ Do we give people the benefit of the doubt or do we assume the worst?

The Golden Rule

What’s the key to relating to others? It’s putting yourself in someone else’s place instead of putting them in their place. Christ gave the perfect rule for establishing quality human relationships. We call it the Golden Rule, a name it got sometime around the seventeenth century. Near the end of the Sermon on the Mount, Christ summed up a series of profound thoughts on human conduct by saying, “There­fore whatever you want others to do for you, do so for them” (Matt. 7:12).

In this brief command, Christ taught us a couple of things about developing relationships with others. We need to decide how we want to be treated. Then we need to begin treating others in that manner.

Recently I took my daughter Elizabeth out to a restau­rant for lunch. The waitress whose job it was to take care of people, made us feel that we were really inconveniencing her. She was grumpy, negative, and un­helpful. All of her customers were aware of the fact that she was having a bad day. Elizabeth looked up at me and said, “Dad, she’s a grump, isn’t she?” I could only agree with her. Everything we asked of the waitress was met with a look of disdain.

Halfway through our experience I tried to change this lady’s negative attitude. Pulling out a $10 bill I said, “Could you do me a favor? I’d like some change for this $10 bill, because I want to give you a good tip today.” She looked at me, did a double take, and then ran to the cash reg­ister. After changing the money, she spent the next fifteen minutes hovering over us. I thanked her for her service, told her how important and helpful she was, and left a good tip.

As we left, Elizabeth said, “Daddy, did you see how that lady changed?”

Seizing this golden opportunity I said, “Elizabeth, if you want people to act right toward you, you act right toward them. And many times you’ll change them.”

Elizabeth will never forget that lesson because she had seen a noticeable change take place right before her eyes. That grumpy lady didn’t deserve to be treated kindly. But when she was treated not as she was, but as I wanted her to be and believed she could become, her perspective sud­denly changed.

Whatever your position in a relationship, if you are aware of a problem, it’s your responsibility to make a con­certed effort to create a positive change. Quit pointing your finger and making excuses, and try being a catalyst by demonstrating and initiating the appropriate behavior. De­termine not to be a reactor but an initiator.

Five Ways You Want Others to Treat You

These next five points seem too simple to even mention, but somehow we overlook them. The qualities that make relationships right aren’t complicated at all. There’s not a person reading this who doesn’t need, like, or respond to these qualities in others.

First, you want others to encourage you. There is no better exercise for strengthening the heart than reaching down and lifting people up. Think about it; most of your best friends are those who encourage you. You don’t have many strong relationships with people who put you down. You avoid these people and seek out those who believe in you and lift you up.

Several years ago Dr. Maxwell Maltz’ book, Psychocyber­netics, was one of the most popular books on the market. Dr. Maltz was a plastic surgeon who often took disfigured faces and made them more attractive. He observed that in every case, the patient’s self-image rose with his or her physical improvement. In addition to being a successful surgeon, Dr. Malta was a great psychologist who under­stood human nature.

A wealthy woman was greatly concerned about her son, and she came to Dr. Maltz for advice. She had hoped that the son would assume the family business following her husband’s death, but when the son came of age he refused to assume that responsibility and chose to enter an entirely different field. She thought Dr. Maltz could help convince the boy that he was making a grave error. The doctor agreed to see him, and he probed into the reasons for the young man’s decision.

The son explained, “I would have loved to take over the family business, but you don’t understand the relationship I had with my father. He was a driven man who came up the hard way. His objective was to teach me self-reliance, but he made a drastic mistake. He tried to teach me that princi­ple in a negative way. He thought the best way to teach me self-reliance was to never encourage or praise me. He wanted me to be tough and independent. Every day we played catch in the yard. The object was for me to catch the ball ten straight times. I would catch that ball eight or nine times, but always on that tenth throw he would do everything possible to make me miss it. He would throw it on the ground or over my head but always so I had no chance of catching it.”

The young man paused for a moment and then said, “He never let me catch the tenth ball—never! And I guess that’s why I have to get away from his business; I want to catch that tenth ball!”

This man grew up feeling he could never measure up, never be perfect enough to please his father. I would not want to be guilty of causing emotional damage to my wife, my children, or my friends by not giving them every oppor­tunity to succeed.

When Elizabeth and I used to play Wiffleball, I would pitch and she would swing. I told her it was my responsi­bility to hit the bat with the ball. Once she had swung at least twenty times without making contact with the ball. Finally in desperation and disgust she said, “I need another pitcher; you can’t hit the bat!” I was duly brought low for my failure to let her succeed. I have since done better.

The story of Eugene Lang gives us an ultimate example of encouragement. Entrepreneur Lang was Success maga­zine’s “Successful Man of the Year” in 1986. The following is part of a feature article about Lang’s encouragement of others.

A gray-haired man stands alone in the center of the auditorium stage—a distinguished, paternal pres­ence sporting a fine wool suit and the barest trace of a mustache. He scans the sunlit room, with its peeling paint and frayed draperies, but his gaze lin­gers on the people.

They are black and Hispanic men and women who fill most of the seats in the auditorium. Though some do not speak English, their attention is fixed on the man at the podium. But his speech is not aimed at them. He has returned to this place where he once was a student to address the 61 sixth grad­ers, dressed in blue caps and gowns, who are seat­ed in ti~e front rows.

“This is your first graduation—just the perfect time to dream,” he says. “Dream of what you want to be, the kind of life you wish to build. And believe in that dream. Be prepared to work for it. Always remember, each dream is important because it is your dream, it is your future. And it is worth work­ing for.”

“You must study,” he continues. “You must learn. You must attend junior high school, high school, and then college. You can go to college. You must go to college. Stay in school and I’ll The speak­er pauses, and then, as if suddenly inspired, he blurts out: “I will give each of you a college scholarship.”

For a second there is silence, and then a wave of emotion rolls over the crowd. All the people in the auditorium are on their feet, jumping and running, cheering and waving and hugging one another. Par­ents rush down the aisles to their children. “What did he say?” one mother calls out in Spanish. “It’s money! Money for college!” her daughter yells back with delight, collapsing into her parent’s arms.

The place was an elementary school in a poverty-stricken, drug-ridden, despair-plagued Harlem neighborhood. The speaker was multimillionaire entrepreneur Eugene Lang, who 53 years earlier had graduated from that very school. The date was June 25, 1981, and the big question was whether the warm and ever-confident Lang, a man who believes that “each individual soul is of infinite worth and infinite dignity,” would fulfill his promise.

Well, he did and he still is. In fact, these kids are now getting ready to graduate from high school and only one has dropped out of high school since the sixth grade. You have to understand, in this community, 90 percent of the kids drop out of high school.

Lang began the “I Have a Dream” foundation and now other entrepreneurs in New York City are also going into classrooms offering the same kind of scholarships. Now there are 500-600 kids in Harlem who will receive this re­ward if they don’t drop out of school.

People need to be encouraged. Eugene Lang believed in these kids and it made all the difference in how they lived the rest of their lives.

Lang’s students speak confidently of becoming architects, computer experts, entrepreneurs of all types. Lang says 25 will go to college this year; the others will have high school diplomas, opportuni­ties for vocational training and, eventually, jobs. “This approach is exactly right,” observes Charles Murray of the Manhattan Institute of Policy Re­search, whose book Losing Ground laments that poor people are losing their drive to climb the lad­der of success.

Ari Alvarado expressed it from the students’ side: “I have something waiting for me,” he said, “and that’s a golden feeling.” And if this program works, it may in fact become the ultimate capitalist success story—for, as George Gilder points out, the roots of capitalism lie not in greed but In giving: The true capitalist is one who invests money and energy today In hopes of a return in the uncertain future. That’s what Eugene Lang has done, and it’s likely that some of his dream students will follow suit. “I want to become a doctor and do well so I can adopt a class of my own someday,” says the optimistic Alvarado. “Just think, if all of us adopted classes. . . it could spread across the world!”

That is exactly what Eugene Lang hopes will hap­pen: “We have to create the opportunity to work with hope, to work with ambition, and to work with self-respect. The rewards? There is no way to de­scribe the joy of having a young person touch your arm and smile because you have taught him new values and touched his heart and mind. The great­est experience you can have is to see that child with his new aspirations.

The happiest people are those who have invested their time in others. The unhappiest people are those who won­der how the world is going to make them happy. Karl Men­finger, the great psychiatrist, was asked what a lonely, unhappy person should do. He said, “Lock the door behind you, go across the street, find someone who is hurting, and help them.” Forget about yourself to help others.

You Want Others to Appreciate You

William James said, “The deepest principle in human na­ture is the craving to be appreciated.”

Have you heard the story about the young politician’s first campaign speech? He was very eager to make an im­pression on his audience, but when he arrived at the audi­torium, he found only one man sitting there. He waited, hoping more people would show up, but none did. Finally he said to the one man in the audience, “Look, I’m just a young politician starting out. Do you think I ought to deliv­er this speech or dismiss the meeting?”

The man thought a moment and replied, “Sir, I’m just a cowhand. All I know is cows. Of course, I do know that if I took a load of hay down to the pasture and only one cow came up, I’d feed it!”

Principle: We cannot underestimate the value of a single person.

With the advice from the cowhand, the politician began his speech and talked on and on for two hours as the cowhand sat expressionless. Finally he stopped and asked the cow­hand if the speech was all right.

The man said, “Sir, I am just a cowhand and all I know is cows. Of course, I do know that if I took a load of hay down to the pasture and only one cow came up, I surely wouldn’t dump the whole load on him.”

Principle:Don’t take advantage of people.

J.C. Staehle, after analyzing many surveys, found that the principle causes of unrest among workers were the follow­ing, listed in order of their importance:

1. Failure to give credit for suggestions.

2. Failure to correct grievances.

3. Failure to encourage.

4. Criticizing employees in front of other people.

5. Failure to ask employees their opinions.

6. Failure to inform employees of their progress.

7. Favoritism.

Notice that every single item has to do with the failure to recognize the importance of the employee. We’re talking about people needing appreciation. I try to apply this prin­ciple every time I meet a person. Within the first thirty seconds of conversation, I try to say something that shows I appreciate and affirm that person. It sets the tone of the rest of our time together. Even a quick affirmation will give people a sense of value.

Treat others as you want them to treat you. Treat them as if they are important; they will respond according to the way that you perceive them. Most of us think wonder­ful things about people, but they never know it. Too many of us tend to be tight-fisted with our praise. It’s of no value if all you do is think it; it becomes valuable when you impart it.

You Want Others to Forgive You

Almost all emotional problems and stress come from unre­solved conflicts, failure to have developed right relation­ships with people. Because of this, many people have a deep desire for total forgiveness. A forgiving spirit is the one basic, necessary ingredient for a solid relationship. Forgiveness frees us from guilt and allows us to interact positively with other people.

Ernest Hemingway, in his short story, “The Capital of the World,” tells the story about a father and his teenage son who lived in Spain. Their relationship became strained, eventually shattered, and the son ran away from home. The father began a long journey in search of the lost and rebel­lious son, finally putting an ad in the Madrid newspaper as a last resort. His son’s name was Paco, a very common name in Spain. The ad simply read: “Dear Paco, meet me in front of the Madrid newspaper office tomorrow at noon. All is forgiven. I love you.” As Hemingway writes, the next day at noon in front of the newspaper office there were 800 “Pacos” all seeking forgiveness.

There are countless Pacos in the world who want more than anything else to be forgiven. The two great marks of a Christian are that they are giving and forgiving. Show me a person who walks with God, and I’ll show you a person who has a giving heart and is forgiving of others.

The unfortunate truth is that many of us, instead of of­fering total forgiveness, pray something like this Irish Prayer:

May those who love us, love us;

And those who don’t love us

May God turn their hearts;

And if He doesn’t turn their hearts,

May He turn their ankles,

So we’ll know them by their limping.

People who find it difficult to forgive don’t see themselves realistically. They are either terribly arrogant or tremen­dously insecure. Though hanging onto a grudge gives some people a feeling of satisfaction, the truth is people who do not forgive are hurting themselves much more than they’re hurting others. A person who possesses this characteristic and keeps score in relationships is a person who is emo­tionally and sometimes physically under stress. We just aren’t wired to carry all the stress that goes with carrying grudges.

A few weeks ago I met with a man who came from a devastating background. His father had suffered a stroke and his mother had been in a serious accident; both are now unable to respond to him in any way. There are areas in this man’s life in which he needs and wants his parents’ forgiveness, but because they are physically unable to com­municate, he cannot be sure that they understand him. Ev­ery day he goes to the hospital and asks their forgiveness, but he gets no response. The situation is robbing him of any joy.

This same man has an older brother he hasn’t spoken to in over two years. It is basically the older brother’s fault, and my friend wants his brother to take the first step in patching up the relationship. I challenged my friend to let God cleanse his heart concerning his relationship with his parents, and to go ahead and take the first step in making the relationship with the brother right.

The following Sunday my friend approached me after the service. He didn’t say a word but gave me a great big hug. I knew what had happened and said, “You made the rela­tionship right, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I got it taken care of,” he replied—the freedom from his burden evident in his smile.

Too often people wait too long to forgive other people. Forgiveness should be given as quickly arid as totally as possible. Do it now. Don’t be in the position of the young man who no longer has the opportunity to communicate with his parents. Because of his procrastination he will never experience the joy of their forgiveness and recon­ciliation.

One of the most striking scenes of the last decade was Hubert Humphrey’s funeral. Seated next to Hubert’s be­loved wife was former President Richard M. Nixon, a long­time political adversary of Humphrey’s, and a man dis­graced by Watergate. Humphrey himself had asked Nixon to have that place of honor.

Three days before Senator Humphrey died, Jesse Jack­son visited him in the hospital. Humphrey told Jackson that he had just called Nixon. The Reverend Jackson, knowing their past relationship, asked Humphrey why. Here is what Hubert Humphrey had to say, “From this vantage point, with the sun setting in my life, all of the speeches, the political conventions, the crowds, and the great fights are behind me. At a time like this you are forced to deal with your irreducible essence, forced to grapple with that which is really important. And what I have concluded about life is that when all is said and done, we must forgive each other, redeem each other, and move on.”

Do you know how to die victoriously? Quit keeping score of the injustices that have happened to you. If you are at odds with anyone, take the first step; confront the problem and ask or offer forgiveness.

I received a letter from a pastor who, along with some of his laymen, heard me speak at a conference seven years ago. The laymen all became excited about what they had learned. The pastor put up a wall of defense, though. He wasn’t excited, especially when they pushed him to put the principles into practice. Finally he left the church. Recently I received a letter from him telling me that he had been bitter toward me for the past seven years. He asked for my forgiveness. Immediately I responded, assuring him that all was forgiven.

Over my years in ministry there have been hundreds of times when I’ve experienced strained relationships. I have had people swear at me, tell me where to go, how to get there, and offer their assistance. But I have never knowing­ly let them walk out the door without telling them I love them. I don’t hold any grudges or carry any resentment against anyone. I cannot stress this enough: if you don’t have peace, it isn’t because someone took it from you; you gave it away. You cannot always control what happens to you, but you can control what happens in you.

You Want Others to Listen to You

Recently I took a break from my work and walked across the street to the doughnut shop to get a soft drink. There was a man sitting there talking to the girl behind the counter. Recognizing me he said, “Pastor, she’s been listen­ing to me all morning. I’ve been telling her my story.” I realized how important it was to him that she was listening attentively and showed interest in what he had to say. It made him feel that he had value.

My mother was the librarian where I attended college, and each time I entered the library there would be half a dozen college girls around her desk. Mom has always had an incredible counseling ministry, not because she is such a great talker, but because she is a tremendous listener. There’s a difference between hearing people and listening to them. Listening is wanting to hear. Mom loves people and wants to hear from them; people respond to that kind of caring.

As people gain more authority, they often develop a lack of patience in listening to those under them. A deaf ear is the first indication of a closed mind. The higher people go in management and the more authority they wield, the less they are forced to listen to others. Yet their need to listen is greater than ever. The farther they get from the firing line, the more they have to depend on others for correct information. If they haven’t formed the habit of listening— carefully and intelligently—they aren’t going to get the facts they need, and people will resent their decisions.

I saw a television sketch which, with some variations, might seem familiar in many households. A husband is watching television and his wife is trying to engage him in conversation:

Wife: Dear, the plumber didn’t come to fix the leak behind the water heater today.

Husband: Uh-huh.

Wife: The pipe burst today and flooded the base­ment.

Husband: Quiet. It’s third down and goal to go.

Wife: Some of the wiring got wet and almost elec­trocuted Fluffy

Husband: Darn it! Touchdown.

Wife: The vet says he’ll be better in a week.

Husband: Can you get me a Coke?

Wife: The plumber told me that he was happy that our pipe broke because now he can afford to go on vacation.

Husband: Aren’t you listening? I said I could use a Coke!

Wife: And Stanley, I’m leaving you. The plumber and I are flying to Acapulco in the morning.

Husband: Can’t you please stop all that yakking and get me a Coke? The trouble around here is that nobody ever listens to me.

You Want Others to Understand You

How do you feel when you are misunderstood? What kinds of feelings well up inside you? Loneliness? Frustration? Disappointment? Resentment? These are common feelings when we have been misunderstood.

Peter Drucker, often called the “Father of American Management,” claims that 60 percent of all management problems are a result of faulty communications. A leading marriage counselor says that at least half of all divorces result from faulty communications between spouses. And criminologists tell us that upwards of 90 percent of all criminals have difficulty communicating with other people. Communication is fundamental to understanding.

Let’s capsulize what we’ve covered in these last few pages. You want others to:

§ encourage you,

§ appreciate you,

§ forgive you,

§ listen to you,

§ understand you.

As you think about these qualities, consider how they apply to your own life. Perhaps this short course in human relations can help each of us develop qualities that we admire in others:

The least important word: I (gets the least amount done)

The most important word: We (gets the most amount done)—relationships

The two most important words: Thank You— appreciation

The three most important words: All is forgiven— forgiveness

The four most important words: What is your opin­ion?—listening

The five most important words: You did a good job—encouragement

The six most important words: I want to know you better—understanding

In life, you are either going to see people as your adver­saries or as your assets. If they are adversaries, you will be continually sparring with them, trying to defend your posi­tion. If you see people as assets, you will help them see their potential, and you will become allies in making the most of each other. The happiest day of your life will be the day when you realize “we” really is the most important word in the English language.