Don't Be Afraid of a Little Secret.

There is Light in the Darkness.

In 1979, there was a man who was running away from his life, his wife, his daughter, his family, his friends, his faith and his God, and not realizing it. Consequences of his choices over the previous four years were catching up to him, and he could not contain or conceal them anymore from those he loved and even from himself any more. He was doing what a lot of men, who find themselves in a quandary such as this, do. He was alone, lonely, and lost, as he seemed to just wander in from one attempt to undue, and repair his self created chaos that had plummeted him into this current darkness. He was beginning to fear that something else was going to happen, in a way that he would lose control of everything, not able to see that it had already happened in the worst way.

“Thy will be done. On earth as it is Heaven.” implies that God has a Will and that he gets His Way, according to His Will in everything. This man was trying to do things his way, and was even refusing to ask God for His Will, in his convoluted life. He was in such a darkness that he could not even see any light, not to mention the light of God, because he could not detect the darkness around him. This man could not even perceive the idea that he was in fact separated from God and did not comprehend a need to ask God for forgiveness. The truth is that this man thought that God had been letting him down and not keeping His promises of a good and prosperous life, with a life that would be exemplary of the Christian walk in a world of sin and darkness. As he had done over the years of his life he would promise and proclaim and protect his life from a way of sin and a lifestyle that would not be pleasing to God and to those of the church assemblies that he was a part of in various capacities, such as a youth member that was going to be a pastor one day, and who read and learned and discussed, and could stand for the Word of God and the salvation that it delivered to the world. This same man travelled into Mexico, the United States and one time into Canada with an evangelist who took high school youth to Mexico in the summertime (for four summers) and he joined this same evangelist with a smaller group( for thirteen months) that travelled around the US the rest of the year. Telling anyone and everyone that he could about Jesus salvation was the goal and calling of his life. The group would go to churches for a week or two of revival meetings and in the day time they would go to schools and prisons and parks and public places and sing to get people to listen and then the evangelist would preach a quick message and invite everyone to come to receive Jesus into their hearts. This man prayed with hundreds of people for their salvation. He then came back and went to a Bible College where he planned to graduate and would be ordained and would get married and have a family and would pastor a church as he had felt he would since he was in the seventh grade. This man’s dream was going as planned according to God’s Will or as he thought it was God’s Will.

One thing that was not right in all is was that the man had been dealing with a problem that he really did not deal with. Because, he had learned as a third grader that when he found himself in trouble with people he would do what he needed to do, to prove that he was sorry or that he did not mean to do it, or even that he would not do it again. In most cases it seemed to justify a leniency that was not appropriate for the act of offense committed, thereby, nullifying the gravity of any act or action in the future. It was this same type of self-preservation and desensitization to true shame for bad actions that this same child, and as a teenager, learned to use with God. in church he was the center of attention and was praised for his zeal and passion for Jesus and the salvation of the world and if he got caught, or thought he was going to be caught for doing something, he would be on his knees in tears at the altar waiting for an older person to come and pray for him. The older person was usually impressed at the confession of this teenager, that they would not think that what he was confessing was so bad and would cover him with their compassion and God’s forgiveness, and then they would walk him back to his parents and exclaim how they knew that God was going to use him. This also became his modus operandi as he went through high school and when he travelled around the US, Canada, and Mexico; and when he went to Bible College. After two years he left Bible College this continued in his marriage and at a second Bible College, and in the churches where he served in various capacities as,teacher, youth pastor, assistant pastor and even as a pastor.

As a husband and father he always tried to be there with the money to pay the bills and never seemed to come close enough to making ends meet. He loved his daughter and wife with all of his heart but there was something that seemed to get in their home. Alcohol had been a secret in his life starting the year before he was married. This man did not see what was happening to his relationship with his family, his church friends, and even his God, because he would deal with his actions as he had always done since he was a child. He would get on his knees and confess that he was having problems in his life and that he needed prayer so that he would be a better witness and father and husband, but he would not admit the he had sinned, really. He would make it sound like he was determined to win a spiritual battle and the saint who would pray with him seemed to follow the same pattern of the older people at the altar when he was growing up. He would get up from the altar free of guilt and shame and he never had to tell anyone what he had done. He continued to come home late at night, early morning from having been in a bar after his shift in the shop and he would use mouth wash to cover the smell of alcohol and cigarettes, and slip into bed so his wife never knew what he had been doing. He would always be doing things in the church as much as he could while working a full time job, so his secret was protected. Finally, things started changing again, and he didn’t see that he was deeper in the dark along with those that he had deceived also.

When he became a pastor of a church over an hour away from home it began to get darker in his life. He would preach on Sunday mornings and wait around for the evening service and then he would drive home late that evening. But what used to be a spontaneous stop at the bar after work in the shops of Detroit now became regular routine stops on the way home after church. Excuses, lies of the wildest combinations were told to conceal my secret every week, and every week they got wilder and more bizarre. Finally, my wife had taken my daughter back to live with her parents and I was determined to fix what I had messed up. Without being honest with God about it. Months that followed saw less preaching at church and more drinking in bars and total denial that it was happening.

So, in 1979, I am walking down a road outside Newark Ohio, in a three piece suit that was torn, dirty, and smelled of alcohol and tobacco smoke. It was about 5 a.m. and it was so dark that I could not see my hand in front of my face, literally. I had to drag my foot to keep my bearing on the proximity of the pavement, because I had fallen into the deep ditch next to it three times already. I was sobbing and crying out loud to God, pleading for Him to send a car or truck or bus along to give me some light so that i could see the road, and maybe even a ride to my destination. Yes, it was so dark that morning that I could not see anything, not even a speck of light in the sky in the form of a star. I was terrified, and could hardly take a step because I could not see the pavement below me. It had begun to rain and that was even worse, not being able to find shelter or any kind, even though there may have been a tree or something just a few feet away in the cold, empty darkness that had overtaken me like a curse.

A fourth time I had now stumbled and was heading face first into that bottomless pit of a ditch that I had no idea of its true dimensions. Out of sheer reaction I just sprawled out flat and landed half way on the pavement and in the ditch, soaking wet and my three -piece suit was hanging on me like a boy scout tent. As I rolled over onto the pavement my left shoe fell off and I had to crawl around on my knees trying to feel the shoe. With no success I stood up and began to cry and then to sob and I screamed at God and said why aren’t you helping me? Then i realized that it had stopped raining and I saw a light come on in the distance even though it did not affect my presence in the dark. I saw a door open shining more light and a person stepping out and the door closed into darkness except for the porch light that came on first. I called out in the dark, and asked if anyone could hear me. After a second call out I saw the door open again and the person from before stepped back in and the door closed. I began to cry again in sheer distress and stepped on the shoe that I could not find a while before. I slipped the shoe on and began to scuffle my feet on the pavement to keep walking and I was instantly hit in the chest by something I did not have a clue as to what it was. Then I was hit on my leg be a different entity and almost fell to the ground. I was so afraid of falling in to the ditch that I strained every muscle in my body to stay upright. Then, like a warning system alarm I was deafened by a sound that made me feel like I was about to die. I was being attacked by a group of dogs that I could not see. I began to scream and sway my arms in the dark and move my feet up and down systematically, as I could feel the impact of dogs jumping on me and grabbing my clothes with their teeth and pulling me from side to side. I began to cry out the 23rd Psalm and I began to think that I was about to enter that valley of the shadow of death and then it ceased. The attack was over and I was totally devastated, inside and out. I just stood there and sobbed for an undetermined amount of time and the sun began to come up to lighten my path.

I began to walk on to my destination in Newark Ohio, the house of a pastor that I wanted to help me get my life right with God. I was knocking on his door about an hour later.

Two days before i had boarded a bus in Jackson MI to go to see this pastor unannounced. The bus had taken me through Cleveland west to Youngstown Ohio, where I was informed that I had to wait for the next bus in the morning to get out. I was okay with that until I was also informed that the bus depot was closing in five minutes and would not open until 8 a.m. With no place to go I cash my ticket in for the money so I could have a hotel room for the night. I did get a bed to sleep in with a bottle of alcohol to keep me company. The next morning when they kicked me out of the hotel room at check out time, I hit the road hitchhiking for Newark Ohio in center of the state.