Family Life in Christ

What’s in it for me?

Have you ever noticed that when we are required to assess something our first instinct is usually to assess it on the basis of how it affects our self.

It would seem our whole political system is based on this premise. Politicians know that they are going to be judged by individuals on the basis of how their various policies directly (or sometimes indirectly) affect that individual person.

The more direct the impact the better. It’s why tax cuts are always popular. The individual will feel the benefit immediately as they look at their pay slip.

Or when we watch a movie, again the assessment of whether it is good or not becomes about me - how did the movie make me feel.

Not surprisingly, we also do it with churches - what’s this church going to do for me?

At the end of the day, whatever it is that we are doing, it is usually the case that not too far back in our mind we have a question sitting there: what is in it for me?

The sad thing is, we can often have the question when we start relationships with others.

Now of course, when you first meet someone, you will naturally see if there are some common points of interest and this will influence the extent to which that person will become a close friend or remain an acquaintance.

Now, the problem is, we often mistakenly think that this means that for a relationship to continue it constantly needs to be serving our own needs (and I should mention I’m thinking both romantic relationships and just friendships).

What am I getting out of this relationship?

And if I just focus on romantic relationships for a moment, you can see it happen. When the relationship starts its fun and exciting. You get these rushes of emotions, and it feels amazing. And so you are getting something. They sometimes call this the honeymoon period.

But honeymoon periods don’t last forever. Life starts happening. And when that passion stops, you no longer have that thing you were getting from the relationship.

And so you break up.

Now I recognise that when a couple breaks up, there are many factors involved. But I’m going to suggest if we were to do some sort of root cause analysis of any given break-up, there is a high chance that somewhere in the whole mess, we’ll find self-centeredness.

Earthly nature

Now, if you listened to my message from last week, I spoke a bit about our earthly nature.

You see, Paul gave us two lists. One that looked at sexual immorality, and I showed how if we follow the list to the final item, we find greed, and this essentially is the root cause of these destructive actions.

Unfortunately, it is so instinctive. We just naturally want to make it all about ourselves.

Or if you look at the second list Paul provided and it was largely due to anger. Again, it is this instinctive nature within us that just acts out in certain ways that we know are wrong but we just can’t help ourselves.

Well, what we find is that it is this earthly nature that gets a hold of our relationships and pulls them a part.

It is no wonder our divorce rates are high. We are sinful people.

Now, the question I want to explore today is: how do we keep this sinful nature out of our relationships?

You see, God has given us relationships. He has designed us, not to be independent, but to be interdependent. He knows that we need to work together. But perhaps even more special, he has designed very special relationships which give us a glimpse of something special - something I’ll talk about soon.

We’ve been given something beautiful, but sin tries to snatch it.

But when we allow Christ in, and allow his nature to take over, we can reclaim these relationships that were designed for us.

Col 3

So let’s rewind a bit and see where this letter is taking us.

As I’ve explained in previous weeks, the context is Paul is writing to this relatively young and immature church and encouraging them to dig their roots into Christ.

He wants them to thrive. But he knows there are many challenges to that in this world in which we live. There are things that will knock us off track, and I explored some of them as we found them in chapter 2.

But then as we get to the third chapter, Paul starts speaking more broadly about that move from the earthly nature to the new nature that Christ gives us. And the big idea that I had last week was that this change cannot occur through our own efforts but only by the power of the resurrected Lord Jesus.

Now, where we finished off last week, we were on a bit of a high point.

We have the peace of Christ ruling in our hearts. The wonderful message of Christ is dwelling among us richly. We’ve got this new nature where love is binding all our virtues together in perfect unity.

The household code

But then we come to verse 18 and it can almost feel a bit… well… boring.

We often call this section the household code, along with similar passages that we find elsewhere, perhaps most prominently in Ephesians 5.

In our passage here in Colossians, Paul is a bit more succinct then he is in the equivalent Ephesians passage, but in some ways this might help to show the pattern he is setting up.

Now, I just mentioned that this passage feels a bit dull in comparison with what came before. The truth however, is that this shouldn’t be the case. It should actually be a beautiful thing that will mirror God’s good design.

Now, depending on your view point on the matter, you might think, wait a second, isn’t this passage a bit denigrating to women?

Or even if this issue isn’t a problem for you, you might read a bit further where Paul does a more extended discussion on slaves, and think: isn’t this condoning slavery?

How can a passage that seemingly supports slavery be considered as a beautiful picture that mirrors God’s good design?

Well, in part, this is what I want to show you today, because when I’m finished, I would love it if you were able to read this, not as some dull domestic commands, but rather as a beautiful part of God’s creation.

Three types of relationships

As we go through the passage, you’ll see that Paul considers three different types of relationships.

Firstly, there is the relationship between husbands and wives.

Secondly, the relationship between fathers (or more broadly, parents) and their children.

And thirdly, the relationship between slaves and their masters

On each occasion, it is important to note that Paul balances his directive to one side of the relationship with a directive to the other side. And in part, it is in this balance that we’re going to see what makes this so amazing.

Cultural background

But before we continue, it is worth painting a picture of what the culture was like at the time.

You see, in this time, it was very clear where the power lay in each of these relationships. Husbands had authority over their wives, fathers over their children, and masters over their slaves.

You did not question this. It was not up for debate.

Now we also need to understand that they didn’t shy away from power imbalances back then. If you have power, it’s because you deserved it, and therefore it is something that can be used for your own gain.

Presumably, not everyone would have abused their power for their own gain, but it wasn’t frowned upon if you did.

So it is important that we read this passage with this background, rather than from a culture where submission is considered a dirty word.

Husband and Wives

Now, understanding how in this culture, husbands were misusing their power over their wives, you might very easily think that the way to fix this is to completely get rid of this patriarchal system.

But guess what? He doesn’t. Or at least, not how we might think it should be done in today’s society.

You see, we like to say today, men and women are completely equal in every single way and there should be no difference.

Well, let’s see how Paul describes it, and then we’ll see if we can see the difference.

In verse 18, he tells wives to submit to their husbands.

But that is then balanced with verse 19, which tells husbands to love their wives.

Now, you’ll notices that the commands are different to the wives and the husbands.

What we find is something that isn’t an unchecked power to the husbands, but yet isn’t a complete balancing of the two.

So what do we make of it?

God the Father - God the Son

Well, let me make a suggestion, although in making it, I’m going to take a cue from 1 Corinthians 11.

In this chapter, we can see a parallel between the relationship of a wife to her husband, as we do to the relationship of Jesus the Son, to God the Father.

So, we’ve got this special relationship. God the Father and God the Son.

Once we begin to explore the nature of this special relationship, we find some very interesting things.

You see, we find an order to the relationship, but an order that looks quite different to the power driven hierarchies that we are generally more familiar with. We find an equality, but yet they have distinctive roles.

Most importantly however, we find a perfect unity.

Submission

As we look at this relationship, we also begin to understand a bit more about submission.

You see, we generally don’t like the word submission. The reason we don’t like it is because of the nasty connotations that come with it.

We see a connection between submission and abuse. As we submit, we open ourselves up to a power differential, and unfortunately, this can often be abused.

But submission looks very different when you look at Jesus’ relationship to the Father.

John’s Gospel gives us a good picture in this regard.

Take for example John 6:38 where Jesus says: “For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me”.

In fact, while I never verified it, but I read that just in John’s Gospel, there are 47 occasions when it is either directly stated or implied that Jesus is essentially acting under God’s orders.

But here we then find the mystery of the Trinity. Because while Jesus submits to the Father, we also find equality. In John 10:30 he states simply: “I and the Father are one”.

Now I want to suggest that we find a similar mystery in the relationship between husband and wife. It’s a mystery that can’t simply be explained by complementarianism or egalitarianism.

What this means

But coming back to our passage inn Colossians we still have a question to ask. You see, I’m arguing that the husband-wife relationship should in some way mirror the God the Father-God the Son relationship. But what does this mean in practical terms?

Does it mean that husband should be dictating the terms and the wife just goes along? Or should we be pushing into the unity more?

Well, I don’t want to be too prescriptive because in part, it’s going to look quite different depending on the two individuals that make up the couple.

You see, a loving husband will see the strength that both bring to the relationship. At times, this will mean recognising that the wife is in a better position to take the lead in a certain matter. The loving husband will also do things that will please his wife.

The wife will then submit to the unity that is found in the relationship. She will see that they are stronger together.

This is possible only when that earthly nature is taken out. It is that greed and anger which spoil, but as we allow Christ to transform us, we can see that this is possible.

What about abuse?

But before I continue, there is an important question that needs to be raised at this point. What does submission look like when the husband is abusive?

Well, I would suggest, that if the husband is being abusive, this pattern has already been broken. Verse 19 specifically says that husband must not be harsh with their wives.

God’s heart breaks for the vulnerable and oppressed. If you are being abused, that is not right. At times, while divorce is a horrible thing, it may be that this is the wisest choice. We do need to be seeking God’s guidance in these situations.

Children and Parents

But let’s move to the second relationships - that of children and their parents.

Now, I do want to point out a particular word we see here that isn’t present in the relationship between wife and husband… and that is the word: “obey”.

You see, children are told to obey their parents, an instruction not given to wives.

But this command for children to obey their parents, is then balanced with verse 21, which tells Father to not embitter their children.

Now just a quick note, the word translated as “Father” can sometimes be more generally used to mean parent, so I wouldn’t strictly think of verse 21 as only concerning fathers.

Now I love the balance we find in these two verses, and it is a balance that we don’t always follow particularly well.

You see, on the one hand, we can be quick to heed the proverb: “spare the rod, spoil the child”. And so we can be discipline heavy.

On the other hand, we can show more concern for the welfare of the child to the extent that don’t do anything that will discourage them.

Now I’m going to suggest that again, we can only get this right when we put to death the earthly nature.

The earthly nature of the child says they want to be in control.

The earthly nature of the adult wants to put the child in its place.

But the new nature of Christ puts love first. Sees that the order is best and that they can work together for something beautiful.

Slave and Masters

But let’s finally move to the last of the three relationships, slaves and their masters.

Now I’ve heard it argued a number of times, that a reason to not fully follow the commands of the bible is that it condones slavery, and as we know this is inherently wrong, we need to be careful about what we read in the Bible.

However, I would dispute this reasoning, largely on the basis that passages such as the one before us do not condone slavery.

It is true that at this point it doesn’t condemn it, but that’s because it’s got a different objective at this point.

Now there are long arguments we could make on this matter, and time is going to cut me short from delving too deeply in to the matter, so instead, lets just be content with the fact that Paul here is suggesting that our main objective is not to bring down the structures around us, but rather to be Christ like whatever situation we find ourselve in.

So let’s look at it.

Slaves are given the same command as children, that is, to obey.

Now as we look at this section, I want to acknowledge that our modern relationship of employer-employee is different in some significant ways, however, I would suggest that the principles that Paul is about to elaborate on, apply to the employee, and so I’m going to now briefly look at this from that perspective.

Work for the Lord

Well, the first thing that Paul makes clear is that we shouldn’t see our work purely in an earthly way.

The majority of those listening likely are not working (or didn’t work in their working days) in jobs that have an obviously direct ministry objective. But this does not mean your work is not for the Lord.

Whether you work for the defence force, an accountant, department of health or whatever it might be, we can (and should) do it whole heartedly for the Lord.

A heavenly reward

But he takes it even further. You see, a common reason that we work (maybe even the only reason), is because we get paid. That’s fair enough. We need money. But there is something even greater - a heavenly reward.

Now lets not get confused here. We’re not saying that if you do a good job at work then you can earn a place in heaven. That place in heaven can only come with acceptance of Jesus.

But rather a good work ethic is something that is recognised by God.

Masters

But I also want to show you that the instructions to the slave are also balanced by the instruction to the master (or in applying to today, the instruction to the employer).

You see, the master is to provide the slave with what is right and fair. And the reason… because you know that you also have a Master in heaven.

Like the other two relationships, I want to again reiterate, that what Paul is describing here, is the type of relationship that is possible when we put to death the earthly nature.

When either the employer or the employee starts thinking about themselves first, we have problems. It drives a wedge in what is good and proper and it ends up ugly.

But when we go into this type of relationship with the new nature, it is something joyful.

Conclusion

You see, I believe Paul wants us to see that when we have on the new nature, each of these relationships that he has just described take on a new dimension.

In each of them, we find that not only do we find peace and harmony in our daily lives, but more importantly, we begin to get a glimpse of heaven.

When the husband-wife relationship works as it should, we can begin to understand God better.

When the child-parent relationship works as it should, we can begin to understand the love of our Heavenly Father.

When the employer-employee relationship works well, we can begin to understand who we are really working for - God.

I know that we live in a fallen world and so each of these relationship are not perfectly experienced. And for this reason, we should be careful with them. But in your relationships I want you to begin to see something deeper. A truth that moves beyond our simple understandings, and takes us into a heavenly world - one that we will one day know fully.

Let me pray...