Where is Your Accountability?

Introduction

Today we are going to talk about accountability. and by accountability I am talking about developing relationships with other Christians that help to promote spiritual growth, honesty, obedience to God, and genuine evaluations of one’s walk and relationship with God and with others. We are talking about relationships that help believers change by the Spirit of God and the truth of the Word of God through inward spiritual conviction and faith.

There are a lot of things that make us call people our friends:

Time: You knew that person ever since 3 rd grade.

Familiarity: You all happen to go to the same school, work or church so after seeing each other for so long you all just naturally became friends.

Common Interests: You all like the same things

But when is the last time you felt a little uncomfortable because one of your friends challenged you to be better and you didn’t get rid of them or stop talking to one another for a few days?

2 Samuel 12:1–7 NASB95

Then the Lord sent Nathan to David. And he came to him and said, “There were two men in one city, the one rich and the other poor. “The rich man had a great many flocks and herds. “But the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb Which he bought and nourished; And it grew up together with him and his children. It would eat of his bread and drink of his cup and lie in his bosom, And was like a daughter to him. “Now a traveler came to the rich man, And he was unwilling to take from his own flock or his own herd, To prepare for the wayfarer who had come to him; Rather he took the poor man’s ewe lamb and prepared it for the man who had come to him.” Then David’s anger burned greatly against the man, and he said to Nathan, “As the Lord lives, surely the man who has done this deserves to die. “He must make restitution for the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing and had no compassion.” Nathan then said to David, “You are the man! Thus says the Lord God of Israel, ‘It is I who anointed you king over Israel and it is I who delivered you from the hand of Saul.

Who is your Nathan that is bold enough to tell you that you were wrong and that you need to repent?

Now that sounds so harsh, but this is where we find one of the barriers to accountability which is the way we give and receive rebuke or correction.

The beautiful thing about this is that when Nathan approached David it ended with David repenting. They didn’t fall out or stop being friends, but they remained close. So the question is how can we still have authentic accountability without it fracturing the relationship?

And so what I want to do is look at one Proverb that presents the problem for both the speaker (the one who is playing the role of Nathan) and the problem for the receiver (the one who is playing the role of David).

Scripture

Proverbs 27:5–6 NKJV

Open rebuke is better Than love carefully concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

Problem of the Speaker (vs. 27a)

“Open rebuke is better than love concealed.”

The speaker is the one who has a truth to tell their friend. The speaker is the one who sees something about their friend that the friend needs to consider or change.

But the problem of the speaker is that they are either conflict avoidant so they run from situations like that because they don’t want tension, or they are just afraid of hurting their friend’s feelings.

And when we speakers submit to that type of thinking, we cause hurt on three different levels. It hurts our friend, it hurts us, and it hurts our friendship.

It hurts our friend because we rob them of a potential moment of growth.

It hurts us because depending on what we need to tell our friend, it sets us up to either continue being a victim or to one day be a victim of the very thing we should have told our friend a long time ago.

It likes a friend who has a temper problem. You have never told them that they need to work on their attitude, but you will get upset and act surprised when one day you become of victim of their temper problem.

Thirdly, it hurts our friendship because it robs our friendship of growing deeper than just party buddies. As friends, if we can’t sharpen each other’s character then we are just associates that like to hang out with each other.

THIS IS THE PROBLEM OF THE SPEAKER.

Problem of the Receiver (vs. 27b)

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”

The Receiver is the friend that is receiving the truth.

The problem of the receiver is that the truth is always interpreted as a stab instead of a stitch. The Proverb says faithful are the wounds of a friend. This means that while you are so busy trying to interpret what they are saying as hurt, your friend’s motivation was really to help you.

We often hear, it’s not about what you say, but how you said it (Which is true!). But sometimes it not about how they said it, but how you received it. They definitely need to pray over their mouths, but we need to pray over our ears. Because they could have took the truth, put it a gift box and wrapped it with a pretty bow and you still would have taken it the wrong way. Why because the truth hurts. And the truth is, sometimes it is not a problem with their mouth, it’s a problem with your ears.

An example of this is how people treated Jesus. Jesus was preaching the truth, but because people had eyes but could not see, and ears but could not hear....Because their receivers were off, they crucified Jesus.

And when you are the person where people have to constantly walk on egg shells to prevent hurting your feelings. When you are defensive about everything, you can one day find yourself crucifying the truth-tellers that God has placed in your life to help you grow.

The proverb says the kisses of an enemy are deceitful, which means that our friends are not those who support our mess, but it those who are brave enough to tell us about our mess and who are willing to grab a shovel to help us clean it up.

Who you think might not be for you, might actually be your strongest supporter, and the person that claps for you, may not be the friend you think they are.

How Can We Establish Accountability?

So now that we understand the problems of the speaker and the receiver, what can we do to establish some healthy accountability?

1. Pray for Gentle Boldness (for the Speaker)

Matthew 10:16 NKJV

“Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.

Jesus is sending his disciples out to tell the truth, and so he warns them that because of this truth, people will be hostile towards them. They will be like sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore, Jesus says one way to deal with hostility is to be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.

To be wise like a serpent in this context is to be clever with your approach. This is not about trying to beat around the bush, but about putting the time in to think and pray about adjusting your approach because of who the person is.

Nathan and David

Paul in Athens and he says I see how you worship religiously. And as I walked around I saw that you even worship at an altar labeled “To an unknown God.” I am here to tell you about that God. He is the God that created the heavens and the earth and through him everything was made. Now Paul could have stood up and said all your Greek gods that you worship are false and fake and put everyone on the defense, but because he was as wise as a serpent, he adjusted his approach and found a way to tell them the truth without their guard up.

This leads us to being harmless as a dove. To come off as harmless as a dove, your heart must be postured in such a way that your goal is not to tell the truth to pass judgment or just for truth sake, but your goal is to tell the truth to see the person grow. In other words, the goal is not to tear down, but to build up.

Listen to Ephesians 4:29

Ephesians 4:29 NIV

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

2. Give Permission (for the Receiver)

It is your job to intentionally create an environment where your friends feel safe to keep you accountable, and one way you can do that is by giving them permission.

James 5:16 NASB95

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.

It is hard to be vulnerable and it is easy to keep our sin to ourselves and struggle in silence, but confession brings healing.

It brings healing because:

When you say it out loud, it deepens your responsibility and ownership. When you think about an AA meeting, people start off with confession and ownership. My name is Brandon and I am a sinner.

There is a caution clause though. Don;t give anyone permission to keep you accountable for something you are not truly willing to change. Because if you do that, you are setting your friendship up for failure.

Now you have someone that can pray for you and know how to pray for you.

Discussion Questions

1. How do you feel about being accountable to someone for your actions and in your relationship with God?

2. Why do you think it is so hard to be vulnerable with some of our closest friends on that level?

3. How would you go about choosing an accountability partner?

(1) Someone who is honest and humble about their struggles. Watch the tendency to protect those comfort zones and layers of self-protection.

(2) Someone who is patient, and understanding. Don’t come across as condemning. Maintain a spirit of acceptance of the other person. This does not mean there can’t be challenge, exhortation, and even rebuke, but it must be done in love and with patience and acceptance.

(3) Someone you can trust. In keeping with the biblical goal, guard against gossip and being critical. What is shared must be kept in strict confidence. Each person needs to know they can trust the others. (Prov. 16:27; 17:4, 27; 18:8, 21; 21:23; 26:30).

(4) Someone who is faithful and dependable. Do the study or other assignments, show up, follow through.

4. How can we prepare ourselves for truth that is hard to hear?

5. Who can you intentionally build accountability with?