The Pain We Choose

Intro

From New Year’s Eve to mid-February, my wife and I were not able to live in our home.

There was a leak in the master bathroom. We told the landlady about it in October. She had people come out to look at it immediately.

But because the people she chose did the bare minimum to diagnose the issue, it took six visits for those people to find the source of the leak. By that time, what was only in the master bathroom has now spread out and the damage was so great that the whole bathroom needed to be reconstructed, drywall included.

So to ring in the New Year, we've been displaced, our living patterns disrupted, facing frustration, anxiety, and discomfort.

And all because the effort was not made to find and fix the leak with it was just a leak.

Now if you're looking at our situation and think that it's just our situation, then you would've missed the point of the story.

How many of you felt or are feeling displaced disrupted, frustrated, anxious, and uncomfortable in life and relationships because there was a lack of effort to stop the leaks of disagreement and dispute before it grew and sunk the marriage?

Before it uprooted a longstanding friendship?

Before it dissolved the business partnership?

Before it became a shouting match at the office?

Before it caused the hopes and dreams of a burgeoning romance to shrivel up and dry up like a raisin in the sun?

Before it harpooned the peace in your house to point that there's no longer a family. Only excellent roommates?

And then to go through that pain only to realize that the sheol, the gehenna, the inferno, the hell you're experiencing could've been avoided?

There are few worse emotions than the one that comes over you when you realize your pain was optional.

But that's the pain we choose, whether we know it or not.

Every time we choose to leave an argument, a disagreement to fester, we choose pain.

Every time we decide it's not that big a deal, we choose pain.

Every time we say they just need to get over it, we choose pain.

Every time we're passive-aggressive and beat around the bush, talking to everyone except the person we got a problem with, we choose pain.

Every time we dismiss people that don't agree with us as haters, we choose pain.

And not just pain for us, but also those connected to the issue that we may or may not know about.

Because much like the leak in our house, disagreement, dispute, discord, can spread to untold places and grow to unimaginable lengths, flooding our future with death and destruction.

You could've had that job, but someone in HR saw your resume and remembered how that issue between you and their second cousin went down.

You never know how unaddressed conflict will affect your future.

Sometimes you can recover, but then there are times you'll have to reconstruct your whole life. All because we chose not to address the matter when it was a manageable leak.

But if this text teaches us that some of our relational pain is a choice, this text tells us there's another choice we can make. And that's peace.

Peace that's not just the absence of anxiety or anger and frustration, but the peace that's the presence of order and purpose.

The peace that says I'm going to do things God's way.

The peace that says I don't have to be right on everything to get along with people.

The peace that allows you to be the adult in the room and is not concerned about getting even but about setting the standard so that reconciliation can take place.

Because that IS our purpose, is it not?

2 Cor 5:20 Paul talks about the ministry of reconciliation that God has committed to us and how we are Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us to the world to be reconciled to Him.

How then are we to be agents and ministers of that reconciliation when we can't learn how to get along and choose peace with each other?

So today we’re gonna learn how to find and fix the leaks in your house. We’re gonna learn how to choose peace with others. Because God desires that we be effective at this reconciliation ministry He entrusted to each of us. There are 3 types of people as it relates to choosing peace and fixing leaks. The first type is what the Bible calls fools.

Fools

These are the people that seem to function at their best when dysfunction abounds. When things are going well, they get restless and are anxious for the opportunity to create disorder and chaos.

They are combative,

they talk before listening, they wear their feelings on their sleeves.

They dish it but they can't take it.

Some of us have fools for friends.

When you always gotta pull them away from a fight at the club, you may have a fool for a friend.

When they pop off at the mouth before thinking, always eager to share their opinion without consideration of the context of where they are, you may have a fool for a friend.

If they never back down from a confrontation and wear that as a badge of honor, you may have a fool for a friend.

If they slander people under the guise of a prayer request, you may have a fool for a friend.

If they’re harsh with words without any consideration for people’s feelings or the nature of relationships and call it "being their authentic selves", you may have a fool for a friend.

Now This is not to say none of us have been guilty of doing these things at some point in our life, but if someone has a sustained pattern and proven record of reckless behavior, the Bible declares they have taken up residence in the land of fools.

And what does the Bible say about those people? “Leave the presence of a fool, or you will not discern words of knowledge.” Proverbs 14:7 NASB

You can’t reason with these people let alone reconcile. Until they’re ready to submit to the wisdom of God, until they get tired of the life they lead, you have no common ground with them.

But some of us still have them in our lives.

Because we know they are entertaining. We claim they give spice to our lives and events and gatherings, but your involvement with them can disrupt and distract from the wisdom God is trying to impart into your life to take you to your next level of living in Him. Because you are in their presence, you are not able to discern God’s words of knowledge for your future.

And God won’t remove them.

Because you enjoy them. Because if that person would leave, you’ll seek out another of the same spirit.

If you want peace, you have to get to a point where you say, “I ain’t going to another club with you”.

You have to make a decision not to pick up the phone.

You have look at the text, look at the post and keep scrolling.

You have to make peace your new address. And when you do that, when you dismiss craziness from your life, God will place people around you that model where He’s trying to take you.

Turn to your neighbor and say "leave crazy in January 2020."

Foresight

The next group of people I like to call the “foresight” group.

These are the people that say, “I could choose peace if I had a heads up on the craziness coming my way.” "I could fix the leaks if I knew if they were coming.”

While there are ways to tell if a leak is likely to happen, I’d be remiss if I didn’t tell you life does not always allow you to see trouble coming. Sometimes you have to deal with conflict as it comes.

Coworkers popping off at the mouth don’t pencil themselves in on your calendar. Sometimes “we need to talk” comes right when you just laid your head down on your pillow.

And it is in those moments you have to have chosen peace before that conflict arises. Peace has to be your aim before the leaks spring up.

I had a moment with my wife several months ago when I picked her up from work and on the way home - it happened so fast - we had a bit of a spat about something on a Facebook post. And before I got too invested in making my case, I said to myself, “We’ve had more civil discussions about actually important stuff. I refuse to let a Facebook post disrupt our peace.”

So I decided to change the subject. Because what we’re not gonna do is waste the few minutes we get to see each other on a Facebook post.

But if I hadn’t chosen to be at peace with my wife before the situation, I would not have had the presence of mind to pause, evaluate, and escape the craziness.

Now even though foresight is not always achievable, there are some indicators where a leak, conflict is can happen.

Just like a leak in a house, a conflict can spring up when there’s number one - poor construction.

Poor Construction

Conflict will for sure arise when you fail to build a relationship with the right materials. Values like trust, respect, love, truth, honor.

When you don’t establish common ground and check for shared values before deciding to involve parts of your life with this person, you are bound to set yourself up for conflict.

When you expect more from people than what they are capable, you set yourself up for leaks.

Some of us here have made associates and colleagues our confidantes. And then wonder why they know more about you than you know about them. You have a poorly constructed relationship,

Someone say I see leaks.

The second reason leaks spring up is when there is storm damage.

Storm Damage

Sometimes when the ground receives too much water during a storm, it can cause the foundation of a house to shift, placing excessive strain and stress on the pipes, which lead to leaks.

Tragedy, trauma can happen to someone you know that leaves them forever changed in ways they may not ever be able to communicate.

A death of a loved one, experiencing debilitating sickness, becoming the main caregiver of a family member.

All these can fundamentally shift the foundation of who a person is.

And what used to be just normal conversation between the two of you are now triggers that were developed during their storm, and all of a sudden, you have leaks, you have conflict. There’s stress and strain on the relationship as you stumble through trying to know your friend all over again.

Choosing peace in this situation requires you to exercise patience. It may require your presence. Give them space if needed.

But you must crucify your desire to get back to the way things used to be. Those days are gone. If that person means anything to you, they are worth taking the time to learn how to be there for them in this new season.

The third reason leaks can occur is negligence.

Negligence

Sometimes it’s not tragedy or trauma that changes a person.

It’s simply that person is evolving and we’re slow to discern their evolution because we’ve dealt with them on auto-pilot. And now we’re engaged in a conflict.

To use my wife again as an example, when we began talking I noticed (stalked her FB page) that her favorite color was purple back in college. And so I asked if that was her favorite color. And it wasn’t. It’s orange now. Now I’ve never heard of favorite colors changing, mine has been blue as long as I can remember. Now I get a pass because I was getting to know her. But what if we were together all that time and one day I show up with some purple flowers and then she tells me orange has been her favorite color for 2 years?

Somebody say “now we got a leak.”

Choosing peace in this situation means paying attention. We have to do better job of being more observant of the people in our circle, in our corner. Never stop being a student of the people in your life. Regularly maintain the houses that are your relationships.

Fixers

We went through Fools. We looked at the Foresight.

The 3rd and final group is Fixers. Those that say “I simply need to know how to handle conflict when it shows up.” “I don’t need to know exactly when it’s going to happen to get prepared for it.” “I just need to know what it takes to fix it when it happens.”

How can I be a Fixer?

Seek to Understand

First I need to seek to understand. Comprehension is key in solving conflict.

James 1:19 tells us to be “quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” And it goes on to say in v. 20, “for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.”

We gotta listen in conflict. It empowers us to have the right response that honors God in every relationship.

How? Seeking to understand the issue gives you a clearer picture of the issue AND establishes goodwill for reconciliation. When you engage the other party in a non-threatening, non-judgmental tone, no pointing the fingers, no seeking to blame the other, you communicate genuine concern for understanding the other person’s point of view.

We are not always operating with the same level of understanding about a situation. If two people can look at the same painting and walk away with different interpretations,

Then we can't assume that we are on the same page about any given situation. We must make the effort to clarify.

And who knows? Maybe in your effort to understand you’ll find that it’s you who had the picture wrong. And when this happens…

Be Honest

When you’re found to be in the wrong, for the sake of peace you gotta fight through any potential feelings of embarrassment or shame and own up to it. No excuses, no gaslighting.

There’s a colorful saying used to illustrate, but I created a clean version. “Don’t pour lemonade on me and tell me it’s raining.” Or “don’t hand me fertilizer and tell me it’s a brownie.”

In other words, don’t insult people's intelligence by acting like you didn’t say or behave how they perceived you did. If they were right about your speech or your behavior, it’s best to be honest. If they were not, share your intent and do not dismiss, do not discount their perception and how they received your words/actions.

When you say things like “I could see how you could get that”, or “I hate that’s what you gathered from that, but that was not my intent” that goes a long way in establishing fertile ground for reconciliation.

You all heard of the lady that lost her job for saying the n-word on air when was trying to say Lakers? I believe she would have her job today if she would’ve owned it instead of saying she said “nakers.” But she added insult to injury by insulting the intelligence of the populace.

Be honest.

Make Peace

So Fixers seek to understand, they are honest, and lastly, when a resolution can’t be reached, they make peace.

Sometimes you’re not going to see eye-to-eye after the heart-to-heart.

Peace is still the mandate.

Paul says in Romans 12:18, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” This means that no matter what the other person decides to do, God still requires you to walk the path of peace.

That means even when they’re running their mouth, you don’t run yours.

That means even when they don’t wanna come to an agreement, you say “God bless you” and behave with them in a way that leaves the door open for reconciliation at a later time.

It means you bring the matter before God so that He can give you the grace to move forward and not be bitter.

It means possibly relocating to another area of ministry or going to another service if you need to create distance for healing to take place.

Because God is not the author of confusion, and what we do not get to do is create strife and division in the body because we don’t want to do what’s necessary to maintain our sanity and our witness for others that need to see the God in you as you deal with the situation.

Because our peace costs too much to sacrifice it on the altar of our pride.

Conclusion

Isaiah 53:5 says “the chastisement of our peace was upon Him.” Look at what Jesus had to go through for your peace.

He came down from heaven through 42 generations - for your peace

He was born in a manger in a stable on the run from a government trying to kill Him - for your peace

He was raised in the hood of Nazareth - for your peace.

He spent His whole ministry dealing with slow-minded, cussing, cutting, cowardly disciples - for your peace.

He was betrayed by one of them and denied by another - for your peace.

He was judged in a kangaroo court as if He had committed high crimes and misdemeanors - for your peace.

He was beaten and whipped - for your peace.

He and a stranger named Simon of Cyrene carried a cross down a dusty road up to a hill called calvary - for your peace.

He had nails driven in his and feet - for your peace.

He was mocked and despised for 6 hours until He died - for your peace

But that’s not how the story ends. 3 days later God raised Him up with all power so He could give you His peace.

Look at the conscious concerted effort of heaven for your peace.

It’s too precious to make any other choice.

Don’t be a fool. Choose peace. Fix the leaks.