More to Life

Introduction — name calling and its disastrous effects

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Did you know the Bible tells us not to call people names?

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When was the last time someone called you a name that wasn’t nice? If you’re a kid, it was probably within the last couple of days. Three quarters of elementary kids and two thirds of middle and high school kids say they’ve been called names on a regular basis.

The saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is completely false. When we call someone a name we’re putting our own definition and value on that person.

she’s stupid

he’s fat

you’re a retard

that’s so gay

what an idiot

You’re a _______

Name calling like this targets a person’s self-worth and self-concept. Kids hear others describing them in a certain way and their minds are forced to grapple with the question, “is that who I really am?” It can be a struggle to hold onto the truth when you’re trying to internally process a statement like “you’re stupid.” Even though you know it’s not true, it’s very difficult to argue with other people’s perceptions of you.

Rayna tells her story of being called names. she says,

People tell me how they feel about me, and it doesn't feel too good! ...I've been called names because I wear makeup, jeans with holes in them, and the worst: I'm not exactly "skinny."

She describes an adolescence where peers called her names and teachers ignored the problem. Finally she says,

I moved over the summer and I met a girl named Hailey. We've became really good friends lately. She is a big help with my problems.

I'm really thankful that I've been able to turn my life around.

https://www.pacer.org/bullying/stories/mystory.asp?id=1877

I know a woman who had a rumor spread around town that she was a lesbian. She knew she wasn’t a lesbian, but she deeply struggled with the perception that people had of her, and even wondered if there was something wrong with her that would cause them to say that. Some person in town was just spreading rumors about her with no cause other than to be mean spirited. She didn’t do anything to bring on the gossip.

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We’re half-way through a series called “God Wrote Love” and today we’re talking about the sixth commandment in a message I’ve entitled, More to life. Let’s look at the sixth commandment from Exodus 20:13,

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Exodus 20:13 ESV

“You shall not murder.

It’s an unambiguous statement. We all know what it means. This is a command that prohibits us from intentionally ending someone’s life. The word for “murder” is translated as “kill, strike down, slay or murder.” This isn’t referring to governments, which God gives the right to wage war and use capital punishment. This is referring to the individual who is committing the ultimate act in opposition to love—they are ending the possibility of relationship.

Don’t do it, God says. Don’t end the possibility of relationship.

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For love to exist, there has to be life.

The Sermon on the Mount

How does this command have anything to do with name-calling? Let’s look at how Jesus interprets this sixth command in his sermon in Matt 5.

Matthew 5:21–25 ESV

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison.

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Jesus begins this passage with a contrast—you have heard that it was said to those of old...” He’s setting up for a correction in our beliefs. The religious leaders had been content to define the sin of murder based on the strict understanding of ending one’s life. But Jesus shows us that the intention of the commandment was to point us towards loving relationship, not just to prevent us from the worst act of vengeance.

He starts his re-education with a comparative: everyone who is “angry with his brother...” should now be compared and considered equal to “everyone who murders.”

If we stop there and go no further in understanding Jesus’ message, we’re all in pretty big trouble. If you believed that murder was the only thing this command prohibited then you could look around and say, “I’m not as bad as the worst people in society… at least I haven’t murdered anyone.” But now, we all have to look inwardly and admit that we’ve experienced anger—self-justifying, prideful, I’m-right-and-you’re-wrong anger. We like to pick this apart and try to figure out what “righteous anger” is and point to places like Eph 4:26 that says, “Be angry and do not sin” in an attempt to justify these relationship breaking emotions. But the truth is, we’ve all had those angry emotions deep down inside us at one point in time. Anger that breaks relationship.

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I remember being a little kid—nearly 2 years younger than my older sister—and feeling so angry with this girl who was bigger than me, and smarter than me, who always won every contest, and who constantly manipulated me to get what she wanted. I would fume and fuss. I would yell at her. I would try to regain control by fighting with her—but I always lost. There were times when I felt like I didn’t want her to be around anymore. Maybe she could be part of a different family, or maybe she could get sick and ___________. Well, you get the idea. Anger, according to Jesus, is the same type of sin as murder because it causes relationship to be broken—sometimes irreparably.

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I mentioned a moment ago that just stopping with this idea of anger would be incriminating enough for us to all realize that we’ve broken the command to not murder, but to really grasp where Jesus wants to take us in loving relationship, we need to keep reading.

Jesus goes on to say “whoever insults his brother...” Some translations say, “whoever says to his brother raca.” Raca was a word that was used to call someone empty headed. In other words, “whoever calls his brother an idiot.” But the intention here seems to be broader than just the use of one word. Any name calling accomplishes essentially the same thing. The problem is that name calling creates obstacles to relationship and demeans the value of someone’s life. Sometimes the emotional barriers that name calling creates are so severe that it makes relationship impossible and even diminishes the will to live. There have been several cases in the news of young people who have taken their own life after being experiencing bullying and name calling. Name calling makes a person feel that they can never measure up—never be seen as valuable. They sometimes feel that it would be better if they didn’t exist. Hopefully you can see why Jesus would put this in the same category as murder.

Jesus goes one step further in explaining the sixth commandment. He says that whoever says, “you fool” will be in danger of the final death of hell fire. This word “fool” brings the anger and name calling into the spiritual realm. The concept of “fool” in the bible is connected with atheism. “The fool has said in his heart, there is no god.” (Psalm 53:1) This is a statement of judgment about a person’s condition before God—a condemnation of their character. To say, “you fool” is the same as saying “God damn you!” It’s a wish for their eternal destruction. In Matt 7 Jesus was still preaching the same sermon we read from in Matt 5 and said this,

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Matthew 7:2 ESV

For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.

This was a spiritual application to a rule in God’s legal system. If you were to come to the court and accuse someone of a crime that they were not guilty of, when your libel was discovered you would be subject to the penalty of the crime you accused the other person of doing. This prevented people from false accusations. And it was to protect the person from libel that the bible says that you need at least 2 or 3 witnesses to establish the veracity of an accusation.

Jesus wants us to understand the severity of the crime of spiritual judgment—it’s just like murder.

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This applies whether we’re calling someone names to their face, or behind their back. In fact speaking negatively about someone behind their back is a worse sin than cursing them to their face. The insidious spread of slander and gossip undermines not just their relationship with you, but the possibility of relationship with the entire community. One author calls gossip verbal cannibalism. Its as if the vital essence of a persona is being consumed by the gossiper.

Are you convicted yet? Have you broken this sixth law of love?

In this series called “God Wrote Love” we’re turning around from examining the details of the law to explore the possibilities the law enables and protects. This particular law stands guard over a really exciting field of possibility.

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I mentioned earlier that for relationship and love to exist, life has to exist. But, it’s not just the essentials of life like breathe and a heart beat and brain activity. For love to thrive, we have to create the ideal environment for life to thrive as well.

Thrive

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When a baby is born the nurse or midwife will go through a series of well checks to make sure all their vitals are good. Then, every few weeks and later ever few months and then every year or so the child will get another well-check to make sure they are thriving. If they don’t meet expected benchmarks of growth or if key health or emotional factors are absent, they are said to have a “failure to thrive.”

There are many people who are alive, but they are not thriving. They’re going through life weighed down by addiction, oppressed by abusive relationships, and controlled by the false beliefs they have about themselves and the people around them.

These are the people who seem to have “victim” written across their foreheads for everyone to exploit.

These are the people who make an attempt at something and when they fall short they think, “I knew I couldn’t do it, I can’t do anything right.”

These people have a failure to thrive.

What does thriving look like?

It looks like a healthy baby who’s plump with its mother’s milk, and giddy with joy when they stair into their mother’s happy face.

It looks like a student who struggles through a project, but with the confidence instilled by the support and encouragement of their peers and teacher, they succeed.

We all know when someone is thriving, and we can all tell when someone has a failure to thrive. Many of us live somewhere in the middle—not reaching our full potential, and not completely failing either.

I believe this is what the sixth commandment is directing us towards—a community that seeks to empower each other through loving relationship so that we are all living well—thriving in every aspect of our being.

Turn to the last half of Ephesians 4 and lets see how Paul describes this kind of community.

Echoing Jesus’ statement in Matthew 5, Paul says,

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Ephesians 4:26–27 ESV

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

I think the New Living Translation captures the authors intent a little better. It reads,

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Ephesians 4:26–27 NLT

And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.

He goes on to say,

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Ephesians 4:29 NLT

Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

Hold that word “encouragement” in your mind as we continue to reading.

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Ephesians 4:30–5:2 NLT

And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.

It’s from the point where he says, “instead” that we read Paul’s application of the sixth command. Instead of rage and anger and slander and harsh words, instead of abusive and foul language, instead of giving a foothold to the devil and causing grief to the Spirit of God, Instead this is how God wants you to live:

Be kind

Have a tender heart towards people — especially those others have abused

Let your interactions with each other overflow with forgiveness and grace (isn’t that how God treats you?)

Fill your life with love, just like Jesus

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How we relate to people has a profound impact on their lives. If we treat them with disdain or contempt or anger we are actively contributing towards the death of their spirit. But if we treat them with kindness and generosity; if we relate to them as though they have value and possibility; if they have the confidence of our love and forgiveness, then we are actively contributing to their life—we’re empowering them to thrive. Paul sums all this up with the word “encouragement.” Be an encouragement. Contribute to someone’s thriving.

When I’m at my best I’m patient with faults, even encouraging people to try things without worry whether or not they’ll fail, and when they do fail I encourage them to think of failure as an exciting part of learning. It’s not bad that you’ve failed, what did you learn and let’s try that again.

I lived on the campus of one of the church’s summer camps (not camp mivoden) and a certain employee of the camp treated me with contempt. I was given permission to use the camp’s fork-lift by another staff member, but when this man saw me driving it he told me to get off, scolded me for thinking I had the capability to drive it, and told me in no uncertain terms that I was not allowed to use any of the camp’s tools. It was a demoralizing interchange. I started wondering if maybe he was right—maybe I didn’t have the capability to drive their fork-lift.

And then reality sunk in and I became angry with him. I knew that I had the capability. In fact, I had been driving fork lifts for longer than he had been an adult. I became so angry with him because of that interaction that I didn’t want to be around him any more—and I went out of my way to avoid him. His judgmental words towards me were wrong and they demotivated my life and brought my self-worth into question. But my angry response to him was equally wrong. I severed the possibility of relationship with that person because of my anger. I shouldn’t have let his words cause me to become angry.

A few years later I asked a professional arborist if I could borrow his very expensive lift. I had to put a wireless antenna at the peak of a building over 50 feet in the air. When he dropped off the machine for me to use it, he walked me through its safe operation, confidently said, “I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” and then drove off. His spirit of kindness and confidence in my skill inspired me. I had never operated that kind of a machine before, and yet he dropped it off and let me use it unsupervised. He trusted me to safely use a machine that cost him over $100,000. His confidence in me inspired me and built my confidence in myself. Which was a good thing when the wind started blowing at 15 miles an hour while I was 50 ft above the ground. When he came back to pick up the machine, I thanked him for being so generous and for having such confidence in me. Without missing a beat he said, “that’s the only way to interact with people—you have to give them the chance to succeed.”

Reconciled — Conclusion

He’s right. Everything else is some form of dying. A part of us dies with every mean name, every angry interaction, every hurt feeling, every devaluing statement.

Back in Matthew 5 Jesus calls us to a restoration of relationship. An intentional re-thriving experience.

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Matthew 5:23–24 ESV

So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

This isn’t forgetting the reality of the hurt that exists between you. This is inviting the other person to go back to the beginning and try again. It’s saying, “I’m sorry,” and “I forgive you.” It’s saying, “let’s take a second go at this relationship.”

Not all relationships are repairable, but God invites us to pursue reconciliation. It must have been with this in mind that Jesus said,

Matthew 5:9 ESV

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

We have all been hurt by people. And you know what they say, “hurt people, hurt people.” We have all contributed to some aspect or another of a person’s emotional, spiritual, or relational death. We are all murderers.

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But God is not powerless to answer our problem with sin and death. Jesus says, “I am the resurrection and the life, whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live.” (John 11:25)

Jesus broke the chains of sin and death to offer us renewed life. He offers us a thriving new life in exchange for our old life. Paul says,

Galatians 2:20 ESV

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

And part of the story of salvation is the renewal of loving relationships among God’s people. Through the power of the Holy Spirit we can repent of our abusiveness, we can extend forgiveness, and our relationships can be made whole.

There is more to life than just surviving. God is inviting this church community to encourage and empower each other to thrive—spiritually, physically, emotionally, and relationally.

Closing Hymn: 575 Let Your Heart be Broken