The Always Damaging Reality of Divorce

Matthew 19:1-12; Matthew 5:31-32; Ephesians 5:22-33

I received a very disturbing phone call this past Tuesday night from a close friend and roommate in college. This guy was a groomsmen in my wedding and someone I would count it to be one of my closest friends. He was calling me on his way home from the Astros game in Houston and we begin to talk and catch up on how things are going and specifically how things were in his recent move back home to Houston after he was transferred there from Austin. I knew he was living at home and last I had talked to him, he was telling me that he was excited about staying there so he could spend some quality time with his parents before he found a place of his own. I asked him how all of that was going and he began to tell me about some intense frustrations and fights and problems at home and he kept referring to everything mentioning only one parent and not the other. I asked him what was up, and he began to tell me how his parents are now separated and are in the process of getting a divorce. 25+ years of marriage and two twin boys, and now my close friend who is my age is having to deal and play the mediator between his 50+ year old parents because they no longer love each other. What crushed me the most when hearing my good friend talk about this and trying to see how he was doing with everything, he said, “It is definitely a good thing and for the best.” WHAT?? Divorce is a good thing. It baffles me when I hear stories, even some from our own class of families who have been together for some over 30 years and then all of a sudden come and decide it isn't worth it. The sad truth is it doesn’t take long for me to realize that if everything goes according to plan for our lives like it has done for so many other classes and so many other marriages we will fall into the pattern of marriage, then the house, then the dog, then the children, then the divorce. I was on the phone yesterday with a friend in Waco and I suddenly realized it is starting…two guys who were just one or two years older than me and have been married for only 3 years have now filed for divorce. We may either know or will probably know very soon people who are like us and look like us and act like us and go to church like us and may even hang out with us yet they call it quits in their marriage because it doesn’t work and they tell themselves and tell everyone else, “It is a good thing and for the best.” Some of you here this morning are living testimonies of how divorce is never a good thing. Sure you can always make the best out of a bad situation, but the sting and the devastation and the pain that was caused when mommy tells daddy and daddy tells mommy that they no longer love each other is never good. I want to talk about this issue of divorce this morning and here is how I want to go about it…we are going to look at how we think about marriage in the first place that should help us in regards to how to keep from divorce. We are not going to talk about situations from your past or even situations in your families but rather deal with the fact that according to statistics…half of us will not be together in the future. Turn in your bibles to Matthew 19:1-2:

1 When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. 2 Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.

Jesus has just left his ministry in the town of Capernaum and is on his way in a round about way to the Jerusalem so that he might be handed over and fulfill what God the Father wanted him to accomplish. On his way, he is once again gathering large crowds around him who are following him and listening to what he is saying and certainly since it was mentioned in the text, he was having a large influence healing people who were brought to him. Right after this he has an encounter with the Pharisees in verse 3:

3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

Pharisees were the religious people of the day. They were the ones who knew there stuff and they knew the Scriptures. The main means of communication in that time was answering questions with other questions. For example, someone would say, “How are you today?” and they would answer, “How are you today?” They would answer questions with questions. So Jesus, in response to these Pharisees who were there to test Jesus, he answers a question with a question. Verse 4-6 says:

4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

This must have enraged the Pharisees because they surely knew the Scripture. This was a familiar scripture which Jesus essentially asks them, “don’t you understand what you have memorized?” Think about what Jesus is saying which will be my first point about marriage:

Realize marriage is not about you

One of the most humbling realities happened to me during my first year of marriage when I came to the realization that my identity as I knew it before was no longer valid and I was now in the identity of us. I had a few close friends who came up last year and after watching a high school football game came by our house on the way home and wanted to hang out. They came by our apartment which they were shocked to see. These guys were used to coming over and spending time at my apartment in college which at the time, I thought was actually pretty awesome. After being married for just a short while, I quickly realized how disgusting my standard of living had been in comparison to the house which Hillary was allowing me to live in. My old apartment had so much furniture that it was so packed in to the living room that you had unlimited number of places to sit. We also had many different posters and pictures on the walls of various things, all of which we were very proud of and displayed to everyone. One of the key issues we were not concerned about was how all of the different arrangements of furniture and pictures looked in proportion to each other. So you can imagine what those guys thought when they, still living in an apartment like that, came over and was amazed at what they described as “girly” my apartment was. I had to admit, it was extremely girly because I had no say whatsoever as to what things would go where. We all talked and hung out for awhile and Hillary went to bed. After she left the room those guys began to tell me, “You are so old. Your apartment smells nice, it is clean, you don’t have a playstation anymore, you don’t have any sports pictures on the wall, and you are proud when you show us your grill.” Now, that comment hurt. I being the prideful person I am fought back and tried as hard as I possibly could to defend not only my manhood but also trying to tell them, “hey, I am still one of the guys.” But I realized I am not. One ring on the finger and an “I Do” and suddenly the two become one and now it is no longer me but it is us. I am no longer one of the boys but I am now a husband to a woman who I am called to love and cherish and provide for. And my identity is no longer defined by me and what I want and what pleases me but it is now defined by us. All of my decisions must be made in light of Hillary. All of my actions must be made in light of my marriage with Hillary. All of my thoughts must be made in light of my marriage with Hillary. All of my life is defined by my relationship with Hillary. All of this is because I am no longer shaped by my identity as a selfish self seeking and self pleasing person but I am shaped by my identity as “us.” Have you ever wondered why single people can’t get the whole marriage thing? It is because we are supernaturally joined together to think completely different than the self-identity we have on our own. Jesus says in response to the Pharisees, “What God has joined together, let man not separate.” It is supernatural and it is spiritual and it is not selfish. What are some of the ways in which we try to make marriage all about us?

(Take responses)

I have learned many things over the past two years of being married, and one of the main things I have learned is that I don’t know anything. Marriage isn't about plugging in formulas and coming out with the right result. Most guys, if you give them a list to follow and a logically flow of how things are supposed to work, they can do it. Women on the other hand are much more involved than a formula. Let me give you an example. For some reason, God made my wife to have the love language of physical touch. She loves to be held and cuddle and to hug each other. If we are anywhere together, she wants contact whether that be through holding hands or having her arm resting on mine. God made me different. My love language is not physical touch at all. It isn't that I don’t love my wife, but that is not something that comes easy or enjoyable to me. So I have learned that despite what works for me, if it works for her, then I better learn to make it work for me. One of the times Hillary really enjoys hugging or being close is right before we go to sleep. Her idea of a good nights rest would be cuddling up next to me and laying on me to fall asleep. When I go to bed, I have other plans. I want to go to sleep. I get everything done for the day, and I get ready for bed, and then I am ready to sleep. I don’t want to talk or hug or anything, I want to sleep. So there have been times when I try to go out of my way and give her physical touch. I will get in bed and I will put my arm around her and hold her and hug her, and then after a few minutes, I would ask her, “So Hillary, does this count?” “Does this what?” I said, “You know, does this count? Do I get credit for hugging you? Aren’t you noticing that I am going out of my way to hug you?” She then proceeded to push me off of her and rolled over to the other side of the bed. Of course, I was confused so I asked her what was wrong. She then told me how if I only hug her so that I can get credit for doing so, then I wasn’t to hug her. I should hug her out of the love in my heart and not make it such a chore. I have to believe there are many marriages that are suffering and struggling because of the way in which we are doing good things while completely driven by selfish motives and selfish plans. And even in the midst of a relationship that is existing under the same roof and even in the same bed, the mentality is all about me and my needs and my wants rather than us. There seems to be people who get to the point where the things they are doing are no longer good enough and no longer count and so therefore you have people who have been married for 30 years who no longer love each other. Engrain it into your mind now and implant it on your heart…marriage is not about you, but it is about two people coming together to become one and this is something which God has joined together and it is supernatural and it is holy. Keep reading in Matt 19:7-9:

7 “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” 8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

My second point is this:

Reorient your thinking about marriage

Notice the heart and the point behind what the Pharisees were asking. They were looking for clarification to the rules. There were two contradictory positions in that time in the rabbinic schools, the Shammai and the Hillel. Rabbi Shammai took a rigorous approach and founded his teaching strictly on Deuteronomy 24:1 which says:

1 If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house,

Rabbi Shammai took that literally to mean that only under the circumstances where there has been serious marital offense and indecent acts of adultery is one able to be married. On the other hand, Rabbi Hillel, took an approach that was much more loose. According to him, a man could divorce his wife for a number of different reasons, including if she spoiled his dinner by adding to much salt or if she talked to men on the street or if she spoke disrespectfully to her husband’s parents. Essentially the question they were asking him was, “What side are you on, Jesus, Shammai’s or Hillel’s?” Jesus answered by saying you are going about it in the first place all wrong. The Pharisees were looking at what the grounds for divorce are and Jesus was much more concerned with the holiness and the sacredness of marriage. Here is the point, Jesus was telling them they were going about it wrong. Instead of trying to figure out all of the details about divorce, they should be passionately pursuing what is good and right about marriage.

>>We must not see marriage as a certain few things we are supposed to do and roles we are to fulfill and allow ourselves to view marriage as having to do the least to get by but we must see it as a rewarding pursuit to find the best way we can love and honor and treasure our spouses. Turn in your bibles over to Ephesians 5:22-32:

22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.

Listen to the language used. This is not language used of filling roles and staying married. This is not language used to describe what we are to do and how we are to do it. This is not language used that fits nicely into a little box that makes complete sense. This is language used of a dynamic relationship between a man and a woman that is so sacred and so holy and so awesome it is put in the same breath and same image as Jesus Christ dying on the cross and giving himself up for his bride so that she is beautiful and blameless. I think to often we see families who fall into clearly defined marital roles and jobs and they begin to coexist within the set pattern and then when something happens like the kids leave and suddenly there is no one left in the house, they realized there box has changed and they don’t love each other.

>>Do you see the difference in being proactive in marriage and being passive in marriage? Jesus is telling the Pharisees, you are going about it all wrong. The thinking is not what is the exact thing I must do in order to get out of marriage but what is the most I can do to stay in marriage and enjoy it and be blessed by it because it is supernatural and awesome. It starts with a daily change of thinking. It starts with a different view of marriage. It starts with a reorientation of your mind to see marriage as something God has blessed and ordained and not as something to get through. It starts right now. Finally:

Recognize the high calling of marriage

Finish reading in Matthew 19:10-12:

10 The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

The disciples respond back, “Why would anyone want to do this?” Jesus tells them it is a high calling to be married and one that is not taken lightly.

We live in a FRIENDS culture where everything is defined by loose commitment. People live together and sleep around without much thought at all as to what it means emotionally and spiritually. Many of us in this room may have been affected by divorce personally and all of this room know someone who has. We must recognize how privileged we are and how awesome the call of marriage is. We have all been blessed beyond belief and that only means we are more responsible in our marriages to live lives worthy of Christ. We must recognize the call to our spouses and serve them and honor them because when we do we are doing it unto the Lord. We must not make money to provide for our family at the expense of our family. We must not have a clean and spotless house with a dark and stained heart. We must honor the sanctity and the holiness of marriage and realize we have been called to something awesome. It starts with a realization today that will affect how we live for the rest of our lives. Divorce becomes an option when the holiness and the sanctity of marriage begins to be seen as something we do rather than something we are blessed by God to have.

Pray for those in the class and their marriages as well as those in the class whose family or friends are going through a divorce.