Raising Godly Kids #3

The Manner of Discipline

Introduction

We have discussed the reason why discipline of children is necessary - each child is a sinner, descended from Adam. We have also discussed the foundation for biblical discipline, which is the authority which God has invested in the parents. We now come to the actual practice of discipline; this week covering the manner of discipline, and next week the mechanics of it.

Text

“Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” (Col 3:21)

“And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Eph 6:4)

“And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons: “My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;” (Hebrews 12:5-11)

Introduction

Notice that all of this is done in imitation of God who disciplines his children because he loves them (V. 6).

If they were not his children he would note discipline them (v. 8). He disciplines them so that they will be righteous (v. 11).

And an overall point is that we should receive discipline as beloved children (v. 9).

Also, the assumption throughout is that fathers who love their children discipline them (v. 7).

Finally, part of our discipline under God is to discipline our children.

So, it isn’t whether we will discipline our children, but how we will discipline them.

Our Texts

“Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”

‘provoke’ - Colossians means to make resentful, irritate, or embitter, rouse to anger. And from this they become discouraged

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.’

Eph. means to provoke to anger, exasperate. What you do to them makes them angry, filled with wrath.

1. When the Word singles out a particular class of people for specific instruction (in this case, fathers) it is reasonable to suppose that the instruction has an important relevance for those people.

A. Fathers are required here not to provoke.

B. Fathers have a particular temptation to provoke their children.

C. Fathers need to be told not to provoke their children in a way that the mothers don’t need.

D. This is generally because men are not very verbal. They tend to give general commands and make a lot of noise rather than being specific and consistent.

2. We see in comparison of the verses that children are different, and for exegetical purposes, we should divide the children into two categories - those prone to rebellion (wrath), and those prone to insecurities (discouragement). Note that both of these conditions are brought about through provocation by the father.

A. By harsh treatment I mean discipline done in an ungodly fashion.

1. Eph. - Some are prone to rebellion (wrath) (boys).

2. Col. - Some are prone to discouragement (quiet withdrawal) (girls).

B. Just because the child is not rebelling does not mean all is well.

1. You won’t hear about the discouraged child from the child.

2. You must be very careful to take notice of your children.

3. Discouraged children are crushed down.

C. Notice that both of these reactions from the children come from disobedience by the fathers.

3. The alternative to this is not to not discipline, it is correct Discipline. He should be doing Eph. 6:4. Bringing them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

A. ‘training’ means to discipline, correct, give guidance and the like.

‘admonition’ means to admonish (reprove kindly, but seriously), warn or instruct.

B. When is a father most likely to violate the principles of these verses (provoke [blow up at] his children)?

1. When the children have gotten, out of control, for some reason.

2. Just home from work and the kids are running wildly through the house.

C. If they are disciplined well (lovingly, consistently, and strictly), then they will not generally through misbehavior provoke (tempt) him to provoke them.

1. Notice: their lack of discipline tempts him to provoke them.

a. When kids need to be told 3 and 4 times to do a thing.

b. If they were obedient the first time, he wouldn’t be tempted to blow up.

D. The only way to avoid this temptation is godly discipline.

1. The answer is not to blow up, just say no. Make the command the warning.

2. The answer is to discipline correctly, Biblically, in a godly way.

Central point: Because discipline is an act of love, it will not work outside a context of love.

1. Love does not mean that you have a warm fuzzy feeling for your child.

A. Love means you act in their best interest because God loves them, and he loves you.

B. Love means acting in this way, especially when they aren’t lovely.

C. Love means imitating God in that he loves us when we don’t deserve it.

D. God’s love and thus our love for our children is what produces children who are lovely.

2. Discipline must therefore not be motivated by anger.

A. Gal. 6:1 requires that those who correct others must be spiritual themselves. Correction is commanded for all Christians – how much more in the home?

1. If you are angry with the child, you are not spiritual, and therefore not biblically qualified to correct.

2. In addition, man’s anger does not have godly results (Jas. 1:19-20).

“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19–20)

a. Anger is not spiritual and therefore disqualifies you from disciplining your children.

b. Though the child deserves discipline, but your lack of qualification lessens the godly impact it could have.

3. The promises of God concerning discipline therefore do not apply to angry discipline.

4. Can have the right mechanics, but wrong context and the discipline will fail.

5. Only if you spank in love can you claim the promises of God.

3. Discipline must not be motivated by embarrassment.

A. There is no question that disobedience brings about shame (Prov. 29:15).

“The rod and rebuke give wisdom, But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” (Pro 29:15)

1. Children know when you can and when you can’t discipline them.

2. They have tantrums in public because they get away with them at home.

3. If they have succeeded in embarrassing you, you are not qualified to discipline them.

B. This is because the motivation for discipline is to be love for the child, not the protection or vindication of your own ego.

1. Our egos must not be Involved In the discipline.

C. A child must be disciplined out of obedience to prevent shame; he must not be disciplined because of the shame.

1. Discipline may be done in order to avoid embarrassment later.

4. Discipline seeks to restore loving fellowship between parent and child.

A. If there is no context of love, then there is no real fellowship to restore.

B. If, after a spanking, your child turns or runs away, then that means they need more loving (hugs, kisses, praise, etc.) in between spankings.

1. Kids are sinners and therefore sometimes kids will sulk after discipline.

a. Doesn’t mean you are a terrible parent

b. You just have another opportunity to teach them how they ought to be.

2. If, however, they never come back, or never did come back, it is an indication that there never was any fellowship to restore.

3. The child who is being disciplined in a context of love should generally turn back to the parent to restore fellowship.

C. Discipline must be done in a context of love (Fellowship), or it won’t work.

D. Discipline seeks to restore and maintain fellowship.

5. Discipline seeks to prevent misbehavior and disobedience on the part of your child.

A. But if they are not receiving enough attention from you, then they will begin to misbehave in order to get it.

1. You will notice that your child will begin to misbehave in odd ways, this is to get your attention.

a. They want you to play with them, so they throw a toy on your newspaper.

b. They bite you on the leg.

2. They do this on the theory that any attention is better than no attention.

a. You see girls in school who want to be popular, so they try out for the pep squad.

b. Then, if they can’t get attention that way, they get bad.

c. It’s better to be center stage, even if people are throwing things at the stage, than to be off the stage completely.

d. Have you ever wondered what the bad kids are thinking?

i. They make themselves unlovely, but noticed.

3. Parents are really the only ones who can fix this problem – especially Dads.

B. If you see your kids acting up, you should see a red blinking light

1. Their tank is low ‘Running on fumes” and they need hugs and attention.

2. They need you to pour it on.

a. They need physical attention, you should read to them, play with them, hug them, wrestle with them, look at bugs with them. Be with them.

b. No such thing as quality time as opposed to quantity time.

3. Still discipline for specific disobedience

4. Remember, the more bad behavior shows the more love you need to pour on.

5. Bad behavior comes often times because love is being withheld.

6. We turn away from unlovely people – even our kids.

7. Neglecting your child between bouts actually produces more bad behavior.

8. You are therefore knocking bad fruit off the tree through your spankings, while watering and fertilizing the tree through your neglect.

a. You are digging holes and filling them up.

b. There are better things to do with your time.

6. Discipline is to be done in a loving way.

A. Just came home from work, tired and your wife dumps the rotten day she’s had on you.

1. Kids are a mess.

2. Wife is all upset.

B. If emotionally you really want to let your kid have it, then you are disqualified.

C. If you are qualified, then you probably won’t feel like it emotionally.

1. It’s a catch 22.

D. Your motivation must therefore come from the Scriptures which require the spanking.

1. Must be a biblical parent, not a reactive parent.

2. If you are emotionally into it, you must go to your room until you are qualified again to discipline your kid (Time outs).

3. Make sure you aren’t excited to spank your child. That’s not a good thing.

E. Paddles are a good idea

1. They help you to delay the discipline.

2. They keep you from hurting yourself and thus making yourself more angry.

3. They keep you from hurting your child

4. They give you time to cool down if you are upset.

5. Can be much more judicial

a. Can be set aside and only seen when things need its attention.

Finally:

1. When you see that your child’s tank is low before they have misbehaved, love them to pieces.

A. Sometimes you can tell when a child’s tank is low from a long way off and it is really sad.

1. Little girls should have an aversion to strange men.

2. Girls who are overly friendly to strange men.

3. She needs her tank filled.

4. Love starved girls who are 15 are asking for trouble,

5. Boys react in the same way when they get older.

6. They need their fathers to touch them a lot too.

7. Fathers need to surround your children with love.

2. Fathers should be able to say to your daughters, “Honey, I don’t care who you marry, as long as you respect him more than you respect me.”

A. Many could say that, but many wouldn’t like the outcome.

B. At least he pays attention to me.

3. You can protect your children from the sin of the world by providing them a home where love is supreme.

A. Surround them with love.

1. Children are sinners.

2. Discipline works in a context of love.

4. You must do both... Discipline and love.

A. Many Christians have love but no discipline... Children are insecure.

1. Don’t want to hurt their little psyches.

2. Don’t’ want to crush them down and have them rebel later on.

3. Not Biblical, worldly

B. Many Christians have the mechanics of discipline but no love...Children are a mess.

1. By golly they aren’t going to get away with anything.

2. My belt is close at hand and I’m not afraid to use it.

C. Neither one will produce positive results.

D. Love means:

1. hugs, kisses, tell stories, read to them, have them read to you, tell jokes, do things with them, take them on dates, play, build things, be silly with them.

2. Decent love takes years, it is a marathon not a sprint.

3. Kids don’t remember specifics, just generalities.

4. Quality time/Quantity time.

5. Discipline works in a context of love.

A. Go back to Ephesians and Colossians.

Conclusion: The administration of spankings will only work if they are given in love. If they are not, then you are only beating your kid, with two possible results. Anger and rebellion are usually the response of boys, and discouragement the response of girls. You want neither, but rather godly children. If your child’s “tank is low,” then your spankings will not have the desired effect.