Special Instructions Concerning Marriage

1 Corinthians 7:8–16 AV

I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

Marital counseling is a much bigger part of the pastoral ministry than most people realize. Before couples take their vows, we encourage pre-marital counseling. In fact, if one of our pastors is scheduled to solemnize the wedding, it’s required. Afterward counseling is often necessary as the new husband and wife learn to live together to the glory of God.

Why is so much marriage counseling needed? After all, doesn’t the Bible speak clearly to husband-wife-child relationships? Isn’t marriage also frequently addressed from the pulpit? Why then is it so hard for God’s people to figure it out? I’ve come to the conclusion that problem is not usually an ignorance of God’s Word our at least its basic principles. We know what we should do. We just don’t want to do it. In other words, we’re sinners and our sin affects our marriages.

The other day I turned on a movie to relax. There was one character in it that was particularly levelheaded and reasonable when it came to making work-related decisions and helping others solve their problems. In fact, he was probably the wisest person in the entire show. But when he went home at night, he couldn’t figure out how to talk to his own wife. His marriage was a disaster.

How often is this true of us? We look at other families and can spot their problems with pinpoint accuracy. We know exactly what they need to do. Yet we don’t the faintest clue how to make it work in our own lives. Or maybe we know but we just don’t want to humble ourselves before God or our spouses.

Have you ever noticed that the Bible repeats itself a lot? Genesis gives a few principles for marriage. Other books, like Proverbs and Song of Solomon, reinforce those principles. Jesus spoke about marriage on several occasions. So did Paul and Peter. This repetition is for our benefit. Because we’re sinners, we need to hear the same message over and over and from different sources before it eventually sinks in. The fact that God repeats himself shows how merciful he is. He takes account of our weaknesses and limitations and gives us what we need.

So, let’s see what the Word says to us this evening.

To the Unmarried

The passage we’re considering tonight can easily be divided into three sections. Each section deals with a specific situation. In verses 8 and 9 Paul addressed Christian singles — believers who have never been married, as well as those who have become unmarried through Biblical divorce or the death of a spouse. The next two verses speak to married couples in which both spouses believe. And then the last few verses offer counsel for Christians whose spouses are not believers.

The first of these situations is the easiest. Beginning with verse 8 Paul wrote, I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. I said that this is the easiest of the three sections because it’s basically a summary of what Paul had written earlier in the chapter. He told the Corinthians in verse 1 that due to the present distress it would be better for singles to remain single, and then he repeated the same idea in verse 7. But realizing that self-control may be an issue, he also wrote in verse 2 that marriage is preferable to uncontrolled lust even if it makes things more difficult.

So, why repeat all of this here? I believe it’s a matter of emphasis. Yes, marriage is permissible when the church is under the gun. But if we just had verse 2 by itself, we might think that although Paul allowed believers to marry, he didn’t really recommend it except in extreme circumstances. But verse 9 gives us a little different perspective. If, he wrote, they cannot contain, i.e., control themselves, they should marry. The grammar of this verse suggests very strongly that Paul believed that there were some, if not quite a few, men and women in Corinth who would not be able to control themselves. It was a common problem. Thus, even in times of distress marriage will be more common than celibacy.

Remember that the culture of Corinth was thoroughly depraved. I can only imagine what it would have been like with modern technology. Sadly, we don’t have to imagine what it’s like in our own culture. Lewdness and obscenity are considered normal for ordinary speech, let alone entertainment. It’s all over the place.

It’s hard for men and women who live in cultures that exalt perversity to avoid becoming ensnared in a trap that Solomon says leads directly to hell. And that’s just as true for Christians. Solomon wrote the book of Proverbs for his son. If Christians didn’t struggle with lust, Paul wouldn’t have said, It is better to marry than to burn. He wrote these words for you. It’s an exhortation for you to deal with your lust by bringing your heart into submission to the gospel of Jesus Christ.

How do you do that? To begin with, you need to contemplate real love. The so-called love that people find in the three P’s (pornography, promiscuity and prostitution) is not love at all. It’s a fake, a phony, a substitute, and not a very good one at that. Real love is the love of Calvary — Jesus cherishing his bride so much that he suffered and bled and died for her redemption. We saw this earlier today in our study of Psalm 45. Then after you come to grips with real love, thank God for the mercy he’s shown you in your weakness. Marriage is not just a way of satisfying one’s urges, although it certainly does that. More importantly, it’s a daily reminder of that real love that I just mentioned. When a man loves his wife, he gives himself to her sacrificially as Christ loved the church. And when a woman loves her husband, she honors him by submitting to him as the church submits to the Lord. There is no other human institution that teaches us as much about God’s love. Parenting is second, but it’s not even close.

A lot of Christian get this backward. They put their children ahead of their spouses, and by doing so alienate their spouses and teach their children to choose between them. Our natural affection for our children is a gift from God that encourages us to care for them. But the devil also uses our natural affection to destroy families. We must therefore be constantly on guard to resist his temptations.

To the Married

The second group that Paul addressed in our text is married Christians. Look at what he wrote to them in verses 10 and 11: And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: but and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

Now let’s be clear about what this means. It does not have in view married couples who have separated or divorced because of infidelity. Actual adultery, as well as other acts that are the equivalent of adultery (such as a deliberate withholding of intimacy), is such a clear assault on the marriage covenant that it is grounds for divorce. The spouse who has been injured has the option of continuing the marriage, but is not required to do so. The Spiritual Council also has some liberty here in what it would advise an injured spouse to do. However, if reconciliation prevails, the injured party cannot hold that particular sin over the other person’s head. It can never again be the basis for divorce. Of course, if the offending spouse repeats the sin, that’s another story.

But, like I said, that’s not what these verses speak to. They’re addressing a situation in which Christian couples separate or divorce without Biblical grounds. In other words, the parties have adopted a cavalier attitude toward marriage — easy in, easy out.

What should happen in a situation like this? Verse 11 is very clear. The couple must choose one of two courses to follow. The preferred course, I believe, is reconciliation. Jesus died, among other things, to preserve marriages. It’s part of his redemptive work. The other course is celibacy, i.e., each party committing to remain unmarried. Both husband and wife would have to remain celibate until the other dies or gets married. There are no other options. Why? Because the divorce was not based on Biblical grounds, it’s not a real divorce in the eyes of God. That means that the two parties who think they’re divorced are still married, and any other marriage that one or the other of them might enter into is adulterous.

However, I don’t want you to take my word for it. Be Bereans and search it out for yourselves. Start with the words of Jesus. Here’s what he said in the Sermon on the Mount: Whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery (Matt. 5:32). He said the same thing in Matthew 19.

For those of us who are married, these verses remind us of the solemn obligation to nurture the marriage covenant. No other human relationship is as intimate as husband and wife. And because of this no other relationship is as stressful or in need of constant maintenance. If we don’t put the effort in, we have no right to expect our marriages to be fruitful. Even the effectiveness of our prayers depends on how well we fulfill our obligations. Speaking to husbands, 1 Peter 3:7 says that men should dwell with [their wives] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. Bad relationships with our spouses will inevitably affect our walk with the Lord.

The answer to difficulties in marriage is not to walk away from marriage, claiming some nonsense about incompatibility, but to repent, to fix the problem, to address the issues, and to seek the mercy of God.

Our Lord’s statement on divorce that I mentioned a minute ago brings up another issue. At the beginning of verse 10, Paul wrote something very strange. He said, I command, yet not I, but the Lord. One question that this raises is, Where did Jesus command believing married couples to remain married? Another question is, Why did Paul distance himself from this command?

The first question is not really an issue at all. Some commentators remind us correctly that Jesus said a lot more during his earthly ministry than the Holy Spirit preserved in Scripture (John 21:25). Acts 20:35 is a good example. There Paul quoted Jesus saying, It is more blessed to give than to receive, a statement that doesn’t appear anywhere in the gospels. But in 1 Corinthians I think we can say something more definitive. The verse about divorce that I quoted from Matthew 5 earlier clearly implies that marriage should be an arrangement that lasts “till death us do part.” But remember, too, that we’re not even limited to the gospels. The entire Bible, including the Old Testament, is the Word of Jesus just as much as the so-called red letters that we find in some editions. It was Jesus who said to Adam, Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh (Gen. 2:24).

But why did Paul distance himself from this command? Unbelievers often cite verse 10 to prove that Paul didn’t believe that his commands carried as much weight as Jesus’. Even though an apostle, they say, he knew that his authority was limited. Well, if you think this is what Paul meant, you would be wrong. He never hesitated to assert his authority as an apostle. In chapter 5 he determined prior to any decision by the church to deliver the incestuous man unto Satan (vv. 3–5). A few verses later he commanded the church to implement his decision. He wrote, Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person. In the fifth verse of the present chapter he had no problem commanding married couples not to rob each other of their marital rights. In verse 8 he said without any qualification at all, I say therefore to the unmarried and widows. And finally look at verse 12. He wrote, But to the rest speak I, not the Lord. It’s almost as if he wrote these words on his own authority.

So, why did Paul say in verse 10 that the command came from the Lord, not him, and then reverse that in verse 12? It wasn’t a question of authority. Paul could have commanded married couples to remain married, but the fact is he didn’t have to. The Lord had already addressed that. The phrase “not I but” was a common way in Greek literature to highlight quotations. Paul wanted the Corinthians to know that his admonition to married couples was well grounded in previous revelation.

To the Unequally Yoked

The last group that Paul addressed in verses 12 and following he called the rest. Verse 12 says, To the rest speak I. Elsewhere in his writings, Paul used this word as a way of referring to unbelievers. He reminded the Ephesians, for example, that they had been children of wrath, just like the rest (Eph. 2:3). And he instructed the Thessalonians, who were sorrowing over those who had fallen asleep in Jesus, not to sorrow like the rest, who have no hope (1 Thess. 4:13).

In our text, the rest refers to Christians who were married to unbelievers. They were therefore unequally yoked. I plan to cover this section in greater depth in a future sermon since there’s a lot in these verses that deserves a thorough discussion. So for now I will leave you with the obvious. Christians who are married to unbelieving spouses should not pursue divorce if their only reason for doing so is that their spouses don’t believe.

So, in a couple of weeks we’ll revisit this passage. We’ll consider why this situation arose, the reasons Paul gave for staying in an unequal marriage, and the effect of unbelievers choosing to leave their Christian mates. Keep in mind as you consider this until then that even marriages of this kind are covered by the blood of Jesus Christ, which gives great hope to all of us regardless of our marital status.

At the beginning of this evening’s message, I explained why marriage counseling is necessary. We live in a fallen world. As sinners we are totally depraved. Total depravity doesn’t mean that we take advantage of every available opportunity to sin. Even an incorrigible thief will drive passed a few convenience stores and several McDonalds before he gets to the bank of his choice. But it does mean that sin affects everything we do. It particularly affects our marriages.

The good news is that the institution of marriage has also been redeemed by Jesus Christ. While it’s true that no Christian husband will ever love his wife as he should, but by the grace of God he will be able to love her. He will give himself for her good, working diligently to help her become more and more like her Savior. Likewise, no Christian wife will always submit to her husband in everything, but nonetheless God’s grace makes real submission possible. And Christian homes can be orderly, safe places in which God’s blessing of mercy is abundantly evident. That’s something we can all be thankful for.

In a fallen world this kind of behavior is not natural. Thank God that this fallen world is also a redeemed world. The grace of God is a far more powerful force in our lives than sin because of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Amen.