Help ik ben bitter
Bitterness is like a poison, eating away at a person’s soft heart, turning it into stone—hard and unyielding.
People poisoned by bitterness, whatever the cause, can be touched by God’s grace, and so we pray for them.
• Unresolved anger—Ephesians 4:26 says that we can be angry without sinning. But when anger is unresolved and allowed to ruminate, it turns into bitterness.
• Inability to grieve—Relationships that do not live up to expectations and that fail to meet legitimate needs can result in feelings of sadness and loss. When people are unable (or unwilling) to face the reality that their needs are never going to be met by a certain relationship, the result can be bitterness. Taking time to grieve the loss is an important prerequisite to becoming free from bitterness. When people refuse to admit that the relationship will never become what they had hoped, the refusal causes bitterness. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Prov. 13:12).
• Lack of control—When other people do not meet a person’s needs, he or she can become obsessed with thoughts like, “If they would just do this …” Give it up! People may never do what someone else desires or expects, and they can’t be made to. We can control only ourselves; much bitterness could be avoided if people accepted this truth.
1. Accept
• Make a list of the persons who have hurt you.
• Next to each name, write what you needed from that person.
• Next to that, write how it made you feel when that person did not meet your need.
• In the last column write whether you think the person will ever be able to meet your need. Be honest.
• Accept your loss and grieve it.
2. Forgive
• Ask God to help you forgive. Forgiveness is letting go of anger and your quest for revenge. Realize that you are powerless to forgive through your own strength, but God does not ask you to do something without giving you His strength and power to do it. (Refer to the chapter on Forgiveness.)
• Ask God to help you feel compassion for your offender. Psalm 78:38 says that God is full of compassion.
3. Break the Chain
I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with the pain.
James Baldwin
• Bitterness often runs through families. When a parent does not meet a child’s needs, that child can become bitter and is then unable to meet his or her own child’s needs. The chain can continue through several generations.
• Ask God to help you break the chain with your generation. (You may need to help your client say this prayer.)
• (If the client has a bitter parent, help him or her see the parent as emotionally wounded.) Just as you would not expect a person in a wheelchair to run a marathon, don’t expect someone who is emotionally troubled to meet your needs—that person cannot. Ask God to help you have empathy for him or her.
4. Look Elsewhere
• Find somewhere else to get your needs met. If you are an emotional orphan, God will provide people to meet your needs.
• Be proactive and look for those God has provided to meet your needs.
• Join a women’s or men’s group or look for a prayer partner.
• If your mother did not meet your need for love and acceptance, find an older woman in the church who would be willing to mentor you. She can give you the love and acceptance your mother never could. Finding a man to mentor you as a father may also meet your need.
• If your husband or wife will not meet your need for friendship and intimacy, look around and see if there is a friend (of the same sex) or family member who is willing to be your friend and kindred spirit. Give of yourself to that person and meet each other’s needs.