Sorry Not Sorry - Week 3

INTRODUCTION

1 MINUTE

Okay, be honest. Have you ever just given up on something because it took too much time? I do that all the time. My phone takes more then ten seconds to load a video? It’s time for a new phone. Popcorn takes more than three minutes to make? Not worth it. Loosing a few pounds to have a healthier life means going to the gym to work out for an hour. Why is that the case when Chick-Fil-A has a drive thru and I don’t even have to get out of my truck?

We’re not good with things that take a long time. That’s why we have fast food, microwave popcorn, high speed Internet, and Amazon Prime. We like things to happen quickly. That’s so me. In fact, when I was growing up my dad used to call me Mr. Instant Gratification—because I wanted it now! And in most areas of life, that’s pretty good. I’m never going to disagree with instant noodles. But, there are some really important areas of our lives where our need for speed might just hurt us. And one of those is forgiveness.

TENSION

2 MINUTES

For the past couple of weeks we’ve been talking about this idea of forgiveness. We’ve talked about how grudges are harmful. We’ve seen that holding on to a grudge doesn’t make things any better for us or the person we’re angry with. Then last week we talked about how much we have been forgiven. And because we’ve been forgiven, we need to offer that same forgiveness to others.

And while all of this is true, what’s also true is this simple fact: Most of us have tried forgiveness and it didn’t work.

· Maybe you decided to forgive your brother, but every time you think about what he did, you get angry.

· Maybe your stepdad said something that made you so angry, and you’ve tried to forgive, but every time you see him you want to scream.

· Maybe an ex-friend or an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend keeps popping up in your life. And while you decided to forgive them, you still kind of want to tell the world all the awful things they did to you. So did the forgiveness work, really?

We’ve all said something like, “I just can’t forgive that person,” or, “I tried to forgive them, but it didn’t work.” Because, like anything else in our life, we want results immediately. When it comes to forgiveness, we want to feel better now.

This is true if you are the one doing the forgiving. You don’t want to be hurt anymore, you don’t want to be angry anymore, and you don’t want that feeling in the pit of your stomach every time you remember what was done to you. You just want it to go away.

But this is also true if you are the one who did something wrong and needs to be forgiven! You want your mom to move on. You want your dad to stop giving you the silent treatment. You want your friend to stop being angry with you.

And when forgiveness doesn’t give us instant results, we all tend to think the same thing: It didn’t work.

The question is, what do you do now? When you’ve tried something and it doesn’t seem to work, do you have any other options? If you gave forgiveness a shot and you still don’t feel any better, did it work or should you just give up?

TRUTH

7 MINUTES

I want to look at a story today from one of the Gospels, which are the four books in the Bible that tell us about Jesus’ life. And one thing I love about the Gospels is how honest they are. In fact, that’s one of the reasons I know they’re true: because the people who wrote them and put them together—the followers of Jesus, or the people who interviewed the followers of Jesus—don’t always come out looking very smart in these stories. And there’s no way would they make themselves look bad on purpose! So, the fact that they include unflattering stories about themselves makes it seem ever more likely that these stories are true.

Today, we’re going to look at the book of Matthew. Matthew wrote about a time when one of Jesus’ disciples, Peter, asks Him a question. Peter, along with John and James, were the three disciples who were closest to Jesus. And of those three, Peter was the most outspoken. I kind of imagine Peter as the spokesperson of the twelve. If any of the other guys had a question, I think Peter would volunteer to ask Jesus on behalf of everyone else.

So in this passage, Peter approaches Jesus with this question:

Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” (Matthew 18:21 NLT).

This may seem like a random number, but there was a reason Peter asks this. The Jewish tradition back then was to forgive someone three times. That was all a good Jewish person was asked to do. Once you forgave someone three times, you were officially off the hook. So when Peter asks if he should forgive someone seven times, Peter is trying to suck up to Jesus, like, “I’ll take your three and raise you four.” He was probably expecting Jesus to say something like, “Peter! Wow! You are so holy! Everyone, look at Peter! Try to be more like him!”

But that’s not what Jesus says. Not even close.

No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! (Matthew 18:22 NLT).

In other words, they should forgive a lot more than seven times.

Now to be clear, I don’t think Jesus was saying exactly seventy times seven, or 490, was the limit. I don’t think He expects us to keep a little list with check boxes for every time our sister annoys us and be like, “487, 488, 489 . . . just one more and I never have to forgive her again!”

Actually, Jesus was making the exact opposite point. Instead of placing a limit on forgiveness, He’s saying this: When it comes to forgiveness, the number isn’t the point.

In other words, the idea isn’t to treat forgiveness like a checklist. Like, once you hit this number you’re good. Because Jesus knew when you make it about the number, you stop making it about the work that happens inside us for the forgiveness to be effective.

So when Jesus said we need to forgive seventy times seven times, He was really saying, “You need to forgive as many times as it takes for the forgiveness to ‘take.’” Meaning, it will take time. And the number of times isn’t the point. It’s what’s happening inside of you as you do the forgiving that matters. Sometimes it will take three times. Sometimes it will take 77 times. And sometimes it will take 490 times.

But no matter what, forgiveness will always take time. And because forgiveness isn’t instant, this is also true:

Healing takes time.

There isn’t a quick fix. There’s no “feeling better” when you forgive. There’s no immediate payoff. There’s no way to get your emotions to follow your head. There’s no way to make it all immediately better—for you or for someone else. Forgiveness takes time. Which means healing takes time.

So if you’ve hurt someone, and they can’t let it go, and you’re starting to get frustrated with how much they keep hanging it over your head? Give them a break. Forgiveness takes time. Healing takes time. And you don’t get to decide how quickly someone gets over a hurt.

In the same way, if you’ve been hurt by someone in your family or a friend and you can’t seem to move on as quickly as you would like, give yourself a break. Forgiveness takes time. Healing takes time. So it’s important that you keep forgiving as long as you need to, until your emotions catch up with your decision, until the hurt starts to hurt a little less. You keep forgiving, over and over and over, until you start to feel it.

For some of you this is good news, because you finally have permission to not be okay immediately. For others of you, this might not be great news. Maybe it sounds depressing, because you want nothing more than for someone to get over what you did to them. You want a quick fix. You want the answer to be three or seven times to forgive.

It would seem a lot easier if this was how forgiveness worked. But Jesus doesn’t want forgiveness to be something that meets a checklist requirement in our lives. He wants something to happen in our hearts. He wants us to be healthy emotionally and mentally, and He wants us to have healthy relationships. That’s why He tells us to forgive as many times as we need to, until we’ve healed.

We want forgiveness and healing to work like an antibiotic. Take a seven-day prescription and we’re cured. But healing and forgiveness are more like recovering from a surgery than taking a dose of medicine. You have weeks of recovery. You go back in for checkups. Sometimes your body isn’t getting better as fast as the doctor wants, so you’re told to stay off your feet longer. Or you’re told you can’t have solid food for a little bit longer, or told you have to stay on the couch a bit longer. And then there are times when you go in for your checkup and the doctor says, “Wow! You are improving a lot faster than I expected. You don’t need the crutches anymore!” Or, “No more Jell-O for you!” Or, “You have the all-clear to start playing again!”

Everyone is different. Every hurt is different. But time will always be part of the solution.

APPLICATION

3 MINUTES

Even if this isn’t exactly what you wanted to hear, I hope it’s encouraging to know the way forward. Because even if you were hoping for healing to go faster, knowing what to expect makes it a little bit easier to work your way through.

So the question is this:

What’s our seventy times seven?

In other words, what’s the hurt that you can’t seem to let go of?

What’s the offense that, when you think about it, still causes the same hurt, frustration, and anger over and over? Who’s the person who comes to mind and makes your chest tighten when you think of them? Who’s the person whose name immediately makes you think of the worst thing they did to you?

Chances are you’ve had someone or a few people come to mind these past couple of weeks. It’s okay if you’re still working your way through the seventy times seven of forgiveness. But it’s so important that you figure out a way to keep making healing a priority. To keep forgiving, again and again and again, until it finally takes. As many times as it takes.

So how do you do that?

It’s not complicated, but it will be challenging. Here are three steps you can take to begin fully forgiving someone.

First, pray for the person who hurt you. I know that sounds so basic, but I promise you, praying for the best interests of that person will eventually change the way you think of them and even change your feelings toward them.

Second, serve them. Now this sounds like a really terrible idea. Yes, it will go against every instinct you have, but it will also pave a way toward forgiveness. It will soften your heart toward them. You may even start to dislike them a little less.

And finally, REPEAT. Do this over and over and over. Pray, serve, pray, serve, pray, and serve some more.

These are the best ways to work toward forgiveness. This is how you make your way through the seventy times seven times. This is how you heal. Not with revenge, not with anger, not with bitterness, not with trying to forget it. But by forgiving over and over again.

And if it sounds difficult, you’re right. It’s not easy. But this is the way forward. And not only that, if we are the one who needs to BE forgiven, this is what we would want from the other person, right?

But more than that, we need to remember that, ultimately, forgiveness isn’t about the other person at all. It’s about you. It’s about what’s best for you. It’s about becoming the person your Heavenly Father has created you to be—a person who is free.

LANDING

1 MINUTE

As we wrap up this series, I want you to think about forgiveness in your own relationships. What’s holding you back? What would it take to begin to forgive what you haven’t been able to forgive yet? What would it take for you to move forward and become who God wants you to be? Healthy and whole—not bitter and hurt.

So make a decision this week to make forgiveness—true forgiveness—a reality in your life.