Four Rules of Biblical Communication

Four Rules of Biblical Communication

Introduction

Words are powerful. They can bring life or death into relationships.

(some of you may still hurt from angry words spoken many years ago…or your life may be stronger because of encouragement and truth that was spoken to you long ago…)                                                                                                                                                                      

Proverbs 18:21

21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue,

and those who love it will eat its fruits.

Our God is a God of WORDS. He is a speaking God. The Bible begins with God’s speaking and by His words speaking order and life into the universe. In fact, the Son of God, by whom all things were made (John 1:3), is called THE WORD.

And because we belong to Him, He wants us also to speak LIFE through our words, not pain.

Our words come from our HEARTS…they are the expression of what we want and desire.

ILLUS: water from full bottle

Matthew 12:34

34 You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

Our words should reflect the truth of who Christ is and who we are in Christ. They should express LOVE to God and LOVE to others. The way to do this is to follow the rules Scripture gives us in Ephesians 4:22-32.

GODLY COMMUNICATION BEGINS WITH GOSPEL TRANSFORMATION:

In Ephesians 4:22-24…(READ)

FIRST: We must PUT OFF our old self, the sinful ways of thinking and acting that were part of our life BEFORE CHRIST. We will see several ways of doing this in vv25-32 below.

SECOND: We must be RENEWED IN THE SPIRIT OF OUR MINDS, ie, begin more and more to think differently as God changes our thinking by the Word of God.

THIRD: We must then PUT ON the new self, the life that we are to live now in Christ. We will also see several ways of doing this in vv25-32.

So here are FOUR RULES of BIBLICAL COMMUNICATION for MARRIAGE and ALL OF LIFE:

RULE of Communication #1

BE HONEST

KEY VERSE: Ephesians 4:25

25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

Another person cannot really know what we are thinking UNLESS we openly and honestly share what we are thinking with them…

1 Corinthians 2:11

11 For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.

THERE CAN BE NO REAL HELPFUL COMMUNICATION WITHOUT HONESTY.

So…TO BE HONEST…

A.   We must PUT OFF FALSEHOOD (lying)

Examples of:

           --outright lying or purposefully trying to deceive

           --exaggeration

           --leaving out key details to change the impression of what really happened

B.   We must SPEAK THE TRUTH

--seeking to be CLEAR and to be UNDERSTOOD; only share what accurately represents what you are talking about and will not mislead

C.    We must speak the truth because we are MEMBERS OF ONE ANOTHER.

--our communication affects both of us! Especially in the context of marriage and of the family and church…

D.   We must speak the truth in the CONTEXT of LOVE.

--It is possible to be brutal with the truth! Ie, not caring about the other person’s feelings…ILLUS: SOMEONE WHO SAYS: “I just tell it like it is.”

--We must speak for the other person’s GOOD…WHAT we say + HOW we say it (tone, volume, facial expressions, etc)

Colossians 4:6

6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

RULE of COMMUNICATION #2

KEEP CURRENT

KEY VERSES: Ephesians 4:26-27 (READ)

26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil.

A.   Use ANGER to SOLVE today’s problems today

--make every effort to deal with the problem and reconcile before you go on to anything else! DEAL WITH TODAY’S PROBLEMS TODAY! Don’t let the sun go down on it!!

--if you cannot deal with it NOW, then make an honest commitment to do so at an agreed upon time as soon as possible

B.   Do not make EXCUSES for failing to communicate…take responsibility where it is YOURS

(eg: I was tired; I was only playing with you; I had a hard day; etc)

C.   6 Questions to ask before bringing up a PROBLEM

1.    Do I have the FACTS right? Prov 18:13 (Do I need to do more asking questions and listening?)

Proverbs 18:13

13 If one gives an answer before he hears,

it is his folly and shame.

2.    Should LOVE hide it? 1 Peter 4:8

1 Peter 4:8

8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

(Don’t make a big deal over everything and take offense at everything!)

3.    Is my TIMING right? Prov 15:23

Proverbs 15:23

23 To make an apt answer is a joy to a man,

and a word in season, how good it is!

Right Timing can be affected by:

--the time of day

--the physical and emotional condition of the other person

--what else the other person is involved with at the present time

--is it bedtime?

4.    Is my ATTITUDE right? Ephesians 4:15

Ephesians 4:15

15 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ…

5.    Are my words LOVING? Ephesians 4:15

6.    Have I PRAYED for God’s help? Prov 3:5

RULE OF COMMUNICATION #3

ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT THE PERSON

KEY VERSE: Ephesians 4:29-30 (READ)

9 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

A.   Avoid UNWHOLESOME WORDS

1.    Stay away from using words that attack a person’s CHARACTER: Matthew 5:21-22

Matthew 5:21-22

21 “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.

2.    Words that tear down, rip apart or hinder GROWTH: James 3:5-6

3.    Words that GRIEVE the Holy Spirit: Ephesians 4:30

B.   Instead, use EDIFYING words that encourage others and build them up.

C.    Use words that are SOLUTION-ORIENTED and focus on the REAL ISSUE

--keep asking: “Are we identifying the real problem here and trying to solve it?”

D.   Words that take personal responsibility where appropriate

Matthew 7:3-5

3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite first, take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

RULE OF COMMUNICATION #4

RESPOND, DON’T REACT

KEY VERSE: EPHESIANS 4:31-32 (READ)

31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

I WOULD GREATLY RECOMMEND MEMORIZING THESE TWO VERSES, IF NOT THE ENTIRE EPHESIANS 4:22-32 PASSAGE!

A.   We must guard against sinful reactions in our hearts and actions. REACTING usually means ANGER!

--bitterness: anger that has not been dealt with and therefore keeps showing hurt,

  blaming, etc.

--wrath: outbursts of rage

--anger: the slow burn

--clamor: open and public arguing and fighting

--slander: anger that wants to ruin the reputation of another

--malice: the desire to harm others and see them suffer

NOTE: put away ALL of these…ALL!

B.   We must guard against our natural tendency to be DEFENSIVE about dealing with our own sins

C.    SINFUL ARGUMENTS are possible only if each person reacts

D.   Instead of anger, we must choose godly ACTIONS and ATTITUDES for our response.

--Kind: loving, helpful to the other person

--Tenderhearted: compassionate, sympathetic, caring for how this will affect the other

  person

--Forgiving: releasing someone from the debt of their offense

E.    We are to be motivated by God’s FORGIVENESS of us: Ephesians 4:32

ASK: How has God forgiven me? See: Romans 5:8; Hebrews 8:12; 2 Corinthians 5:21

Biblical Forgiveness…a reminder…

1.    I have sinned

2.    I confess my sin (say the same thing as God)

3.    I ask you to forgive me

4.    You are then responsible to forgive:

Luke 17:3-4 3 Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, 4 and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

New Covenant: “their sins and lawless deeds I will remember no more”

(3 promises of forgiveness)

5.    Then the other person repeats, if necessary

2 FINAL PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS:

--MEMORIZE AND PRACTICE:

James 1:19

19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger… (and PRAY that the Holy Spirit will bring it to mind in every conversation!)

--SCHEDULE a time on your weekly calendar EVERY WEEK to sit down just for the purpose of communicating. Ask things like:

           *How do you think our relationship is doing?

           *How am I doing in my communication with you?

           *How am I doing at listening to you? How am I doing at James 1:19?

           *Are there any concerns or problems you have that we should talk about?