Owner of a Lonely Heart

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

We want to make sure our focus is on Jesus in this season of Advent, because what we discover is how God gives great gifts in unexpected ways.

One of God’s great gifts is gift of contentment, how joy and security are not found in wealth, in stuff, but that we can find contentment in all circumstances - in plenty or in want - when we learn to trust that our Father is King! It all belongs to him.

Last week, it was gift of peace, not because our troubles are far away, but that we can know peace of God even in the midst of troubles as we rejoice in God, and come to him in prayer, giving our burdens over to him

Today we’re going to look issue of loneliness, which is a tough and growing problem. The good news is that God has a great gift for us (he always does), and it comes in an unexpected way.

Prayer

Loneliness Epidemic

Image of Christmas is that its a time of togetherness, time to be with family, friends. Like many of you, we’ve been bemoaning not being able to gather for Christmas get-togethers, we won’t be traveling down to South Carolina to visit Wendy’s family like we normally do.

But this is not simply the result of the pandemic - this was an epidemic that has been years in the making. Just last year, the Health Services & Resources Administration, a federal agency, declared that we are in midst of a loneliness epidemic, which is really bitterly ironic, considering that it is easier to connect with others today than it ever has been.

There’s lots of reasons for this: The average size of the U.S. household has been in steady decline. We have more people who are living alone than ever before. A quarter of the U.S. population live by themselves.

Two in five Americans report that they sometimes or always feel that their social relationships are not meaningful. One in five Americans say they feel lonely or socially isolated. In England it’s estimated that 1/2 million elderly people often go a week without human contact.

One woman, out of her experience of loneliness, started what became the Loneliness Project, a desire to shine light on the human experience of loneliness, in order to reduce the suffering associated with its denial.

She has a website for people to connect with, and on her introduction page she finishes with a touching invitation…Welcome to the Loneliness Project, bring yourself.

And many people did. They came to the Loneliness Project to share heartbreaking stories of experiencing loneliness, especially during the holidays. Let me share a few of them with you...

My parents separated during the holidays a few years ago and finalized their divorce last New Year. I dread this season for the feelings it brings up for me — and because no one quite understands how it feels. The mix of grief, relief, and fear is pretty alien to my friends and leaves me disconnected and alone until February—Anonymous, 25

My parents care deeply about bringing together as much family as possible for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and will go to sometimes extreme measures to drag me or my sister from wherever we are to wherever they are. It's not that they're bad people or that I hate them or anything, but they're not really people my sister and I would ever spend time with if we weren't related. Those holidays sometimes feel like the Twilight Zone, stepping into my early teenage years, but it's even more work to please them now that I know there's life beyond that. All the while I feel ripped from places that feel much more real, and people I'd rather share a meal with than anyone else. Again, my parents aren't bad or evil, but I spent 18 years living with them, and we know each others' routines so well that it feels like I'm doing stiff choreography with mannequins, rather than sharing any kind of closeness—Anonymous25

I think I've felt lonely throughout my life and I am truly alone except for my dog. Christmas guts me every year. I already accept there won't be even a phone call for me. I have bought a precooked meal and a slice of pie. My evening walk with the dog takes my soul every year, for curtains are open into living rooms full of families and friends. I can hear them, sometimes smell their turkey dinners, but most of all, I feel all their happiness, knowing I will never have it. I get home and get into bed and cry and will the day away with sleep. From Scout, age 60

Loneliness is an attack on sense of self

When I first did internet search for loneliness during the holidays, interspersed in the long list of articles, appearing numerous times was the number for the national suicide hotline.

We are inherently relational, made to be in connection, made for love (love is deeply and wonderfully relational)

Experience of loneliness means something is deeply wrong. That we are disconnected from others. We feel unloved, like our lives don’t matter - we don’t matter. Or perhaps we don’t care enough about the people around us, they aren’t our kind of people. Or they won’t let us know them…or we won’t let them know us.

Because loneliness is all about disconnect, we can experience it even in the midst of being in crowd, or even amongst our own family or friends - like the young woman who felt forced to be with her parents over holidays.

I have distinct memory of experience of loneliness in the midst of a large crowd of college students at a Young Life Camp in Colorado, Frontier Ranch…it felt like an attack on my sense of self.

We are living so far removed from God’s beautiful intention for us

God Who Comes to Us

We get a glimpse of God’s intention for us by looking at God himself, especially if we consider the wonderful mystery of the Trinity, our belief that there is one God in three persons

That God is a community in and of himself. One being with distinctions. Wrap your head around that!

I hope that even as we wrestle with understanding it, that at least we can grow to appreciate the Trinity…it is fellowship of mutual self-giving love, delight, harmony. It has been described as an eternal dance, The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, moving together in perfect intimacy and love. It’s being in community, belonging, but never losing the individual sense of self.

It’s this kind of connection and love and delight and intimacy that God is inviting us into. He wants us to experience relationship with him in same way.

Jesus, praying to Father in John 17:20-21, I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us.

God has beautiful, beautiful intentions for us.

Great tragedy of sin is that is separates us. We become disconnected.

Very first thing Adam and Eve do after they eat fruit of the forbidden tree is hide themselves. They disconnect. They cover. They distance.

From God, by hiding in the garden. From one another - they recognize they are naked and they cover themselves up. Before, they were naked and unashamed - totally open and vulnerable to each other. Not anymore.

Why Christmas story is so powerful. It’s the story of the Gospel. Of God whose love for us is so strong, so full, that even when we reject him and hide from him…he keeps coming after us.

And in incredibly humble ways…by becoming one of us. The infinite God taking on finite flesh.

We turn our backs on him, and still he comes to us in person of Jesus, so we can encounter him, face to face.

Of course, Christmas story is just beginning of good news. It culminates in cross, where Jesus takes on our sin, takes on our separation, in order that we might be reconciled to God.

It’s my belief that most painful moment for Jesus enduring the cross was not crown of thorns imbedded into his head. It wasn’t being scourged 39 times with cat of nine tails. It wasn’t even the nails being driven through his hands and feet - as terrible as all those were.

I believe the most painful moment for Jesus was enduring separation from Father. My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Our sin upon him, God the Father turns away, and for the first time Jesus experiences the utter loneliness of no longer being One with the Father.

This is beauty of Jesus’ love for us, that Jesus willingly made this sacrifice so that we could be reconciled to Father, so we would not be alone anymore.

Solitude, Not Loneliness

One clear way to alleviate loneliness is to pursue relationships with others, make the effort to nurture genuine, loving relationships. That’s why one of our core values is Shared Life Together. We do this in community.

But I want to point you toward where you should begin - solitude. With intentionally being alone in order to combat loneliness. Which seems to make no sense…being alone to combat loneliness. But here’s key difference, solitude is about being alone in order to be with God.

Solitude is living out conviction that Jesus is Immanuel, God with us. And that God is always with us. We are never alone. Never.

To be alone in order to experience the gift of God’s presence. Which is exactly what Jesus did.

Jesus and the practice of solitude

In Gospel of Mark there are 11 times where Jesus is described as going away. Jesus makes a point of getting away from crowds to be by himself.

One of those times was Jesus being led by the Spirit into wilderness - for 40 days and nights. Think about that for a moment. Spirit intentionally led Jesus to be alone, by himself, in solitude - for 40 days. 6 weeks, all by himself. There was a video for the Campaign to End Loneliness where a guy took up challenge of having no contact with anyone for a week…no phone, no news, nothing…he did not do well.

But here’s the thing: Jesus wasn’t by himself. That was whole point - he was getting away, praying and fasting, in order to be with Father.

Another example, Mark 1:35…Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.

Mark 6:31-32…the disciples had returned from going out to proclaim the good news of the Kingdom, they’d been on the go, busy, crowds had been around them…so Jesus tells them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place.

It didn’t work - crowd figured out where they were going and followed them. That’s when the miracle of the feeding of the 5,000 took place. But Jesus was persistent, he knew how deeply important this is.

He sent his disciples off in the boat. He dismissed the crowd. And then, verse 46, “After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray.”

All these instances are almost mentioned in passing, they’re easy to miss. But it’s clear this was regular practice for Jesus.

Because Jesus trusted this was true, that Father is always near us, this is God-infused world, he spent time alone to be with Father, to practice the presence of God. That was evident in how he lived. He lived with ongoing awareness of presence of God.

Story in Luke, when Jesus was 12 year old boy, and his family makes trip to Jerusalem, and Joseph and Mary lose him, can’t find him anywhere. When they do finally find him in the temple, he couldn’t figure out why they had to go looking for him.

“Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?”

Jesus wasn’t responding out of rebellion or arrogance. It was sincere response. Of course I’d be here. I want to be with Father. Where else but his house?

Jesus’ practice of solitude shaped how he prayed. His prayers reflected his confidence that Father really is right here, all time. Why disciples asked him, teach us to pray.

He taught them to pray, Dear Father, always near us (Our Father who art in heaven).

My favorite is Jesus raising Lazarus from dead in John 11:35. Before he commands Lazarus to come out of the tomb, he prays. He looks up (because the Father is right there), “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”

I love it. Father, I know you’re here. I know you’re always with me, paying attention.

This is for them, so they can learn to trust the reality of that, too.

This is how Jesus lived. And if we are to become like Jesus, we must do things Jesus did. Jesus was not a lonely person. But he was regularly alone, in solitude. We should practice discipline of solitude.

Discipline of Solitude

This spiritual discipline, this soul training exercise, is often described in terms of silence and solitude

It’s quieting ourselves in order to nurture awareness of presence of God, to hear his voice, to be attentive to him.

Psalm 46:10…Be still and know that I am God.

When we talk about silence, that includes external silence, getting away from noise outside of ourselves.

That’s easier part. But very necessary. Finding that quiet spot in the house. Finding time when we’re not hurried or distracted.

Removing all distractions (putting phone away, turning off the radio)

Those things in and of themselves can be frightening - because one of the reasons we turn to our devices so much is fear of being alone. We distract ourselves constantly.

If I’m not doing something, if I’m not engaged, then that pain or that sadness or that loneliness might start bubbling up.

That speaks to second part of silence…internal silence. This is by far the more difficult.

I often take walks at night…sometimes later, 9:00 in the evening, there’s nowhere else around. I’m by myself, no distractions…other than constant chatter going on in my mind.

I’ll start with intention of just being quiet before God, and in no time at all I’m having lengthy conversation with myself. It will take my a lap or two before I can set all that aside and really begin to be present to God.

Remember, that’s the goal: To be present to God. As John Mark Comer says, it is to rest in his compassionate love. There doesn’t have to be a huge agenda. Intense prayer. Practice of simply learning to trust that our Heavenly Father is truly with us, always. Waiting to pour out his love and goodness on us. Because that’s who he is.

If loneliness is an attack on our sense of selves, then solitude restores it. In solitude we discover our true selves, who we are in Christ Jesus.

God is inherently relational (Trinity), he wants us to come and join in that fellowship of love. To be one.

There’s powerful image in Revelation 3:20, part of the message Jesus wants John to give to church at Laodicea. Jesus’ message to them, “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.”

Powerful image of Jesus standing, knocking at our doors. His whole desire is simply to come and be with us. To enjoy relationship. Friendship. That’s why he talks about eating meal together - that’s what friends and family do - gather together over meals.

Here’s critical aspect of image. Jesus knocks and then waits. He will not force his way in. He announces his presence, he offers invitation - but we must respond. We have to open the door to his presence.

We do this by practicing solitude, quieting ourselves. Getting away, putting away all those distractions. Learning to still that internal chatter.

Let me give you a couple of exercise you can do this week. Challenge is to choose one to commit to for this week.

Pray without words. Spend 5 minutes in silence simply coming before God, to be in his presence. Sit in loving attention to God. Remain in him, abide. Watch God watching you in compassionate love. It will be difficult. Don’t judge yourself. Here’s suggestion…choose a word or phrase to re-center yourself…Jesus…Father…Peace…Come, Holy Spirit.

Set aside an hour without distraction. Use the time for solitude, prayer and meditation on the Bible. Come to time with intention of being with Jesus, listening to his voice. Begin with deep breathing…invite the Holy Spirit. Read the passage several times slowly, reflectively. Does anything stand out? Turn passage into prayer.

And finally, be a friend…prayerfully consider whom you could reach out to over the holidays (Remember that one woman’s story? “I’ve already accepted there won’t even be a phone call for me”).

We want to know love of Jesus so we can share love of Jesus. Henri Nouwen writes this: “Are you in love with Jesus?…In our world of loneliness and despair there is an enormous need for men and women who know the heart of God, a heart that forgives, cares, reaches out and wants to heal.”

Make a phone call. Drop a small gift off at their house. Reach out…because you love Jesus.

There are lots of lonely people in the world. We want to move out of loneliness and into solitude. To be alone in order to be with God, to learn to live more fully, day by day, moment by moment, experiencing the gift of his presence.

The invitation to the Loneliness Project was “Welcome to the Loneliness Project. Bring yourself.”

Here’s better invitation: “Welcome to the Presence of God. Bring yourself.”