Forgiveness #6 -- Recall the Hurt

Psalm 27:1–14 ESV

1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. 3 Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. 4 One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. 5 For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. 6 And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me, and I will offer in his tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing and make melody to the Lord. 7 Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! 8 You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” 9 Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation! 10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in. 11 Teach me your way, O Lord, and lead me on a level path because of my enemies. 12 Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and they breathe out violence. 13 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! 14 Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

This is a good word for us as we launch into 2021, as we consider forgiving those who have hurt us and we are carrying unforgiveness toward.

Sometimes we can develop such an historic and complicated relationship with our injuries and grudges that we haven’t forgiven that they can come to take on an identity and can stake a claim to our personhood that the thought of living without the grudge/injury is one we have to adjust to.

I’ve come to think of unforgiveness in my life like a dragon which nests on top and purveys and protects from above this pile of injuries and grudges which the dragon tells me is a pile of gold and silver.

Of course it’s not gold and silver… it’s tin and aluminum. Virtually worthless. The dragon of unforgiveness must be slain and run off… and the only soldiers courageous enough to face the dragon are those of empathy, sympathy, compassion, mercy, grace, and love.

Over the next several weeks I’m going to walk you through the framework of REACHING for forgiveness that I have used for the last 10 years.

Dr. Everett Worthington — REACH for Forgivenss

R - Recall the hurt

E - Empathize with the one who wronged you

A - Altruistic Gift

C - Commit to Forgiveness

H - Hold Onto Forgiveness

Today… I want to do some initial work on Recalling the Hurt.

To heal, you have to face the fact that you’ve been hurt. Make up your mind not to be snarky (i.e., nasty and hurtful), not to treat yourself like a victim, and not to treat the other person as a jerk. Make a decision to forgive. Decide that you are not going to pursue payback but you will treat the person as a valuable person.

We live in a world addicted and entitled to being offended. If you want to keep the noise, vibrato, drama, divisions, conflicts, and ceaseless fatigue going — stay offended.

But if forgiveness is something you’d like to move toward, then you need to journey passed the offense and face the hurt.

Psalm 27:1 ESV

1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Being hurt does not necessarily mean you have been traumatized. It may mean that — but it doesn’t necessarily or even normally mean that.

Most of us aren’t sure what to do with our injuries and hurts. We tend to dismiss them believing that no one cares.

The Bible is clear that even when those closest don’t care about or don’t know what to do with the hurt you carry, God does care.

Psalm 27:9–10 ESV

9 Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation! 10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.

We respond to our hurts in many unhelpful and unhealthy ways:

*Anger

*Avoidance

*Retaliation

*Revenge

*Attack

*Withdrawl

*Self-protection

*Denial

*Self-justification

*Rumination

To recall the hurt, you have to do something other than merely recalling the offense. Recalling the offense is often a cerebral exercise… a reporters approach.

Recalling the hurt doesn’t have to go to reliving… but it does have to go with an honest, objective remembering of what led to the hurt you carry.

To recall the hurt:

*Begin with prayer

*Pay attention to yourself — no rage, depression, fear

*After you have done the recall once, do it a second time.

*You are aiming to replace the negative emotions with positive ones.

*Be objective

*Don’t only remember what happened — but also what you felt about what was happening.

*Let the memory you construct be reasonable even if you aren’t sure it is factual.

*Use specific descriptive words — not just “upset” but vulnerable… exposed… forgottten…lost… abandoned…

*Struggle for those words. Write them down.

*Don’t be scared to enlist the help of a counselor, pastor, mentor — the only thing is the concern has to be on your hurt and not on you being right and they need to help you process through that lens. Some don’t know how to do that.

Everett’s video… story.

Your years of unforgivness… it’s a sin. And it’s dark.

Psalm 27:4–6 ESV

4 One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. 5 For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. 6 And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me, and I will offer in his tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing and make melody to the Lord.