Regret vs Remorse (1-17-2021)

Regret vs Remorse 1-17-21 Beginning Scripture: Psalm 51:17 "It is a broken spirit you want-remorse and penitence. A broken and a contrite heart, O God, you will not ignore." TLB Our Sunday School booklet describes David's repentance for his sins of adultery and murder. There is a lot of good teaching in this lesson. Just a few quotes I want to emphasize. "This intense desire for forgiveness and cleansing permeates the psalm. Such repetition underscored the depth of David's remorse and the sincerity of his request." (Bible Scholar, p. 46) The authors state that "the ills of a nation or individual will not be cured until the medicine of confession and repentance is applied to the human heart." (Bible Scholar, p. 47) There is no doubt that David had regret for his sins. In the NIV translation David speaks of his broken spirit and his broken and contrite heart. I don't know what the Greek or Hebrew word for remorse is, but it seems he felt remorse. For a long time I have been interested in the difference between regret and remorse. I read an article on the subject and it said that regret simply means you wish you had not done something. Although it can mean that you regret the sin or error because it hurt someone else, but more often often you regret it because it costs YOU something financially, emotionally, or if you got caught in the act, it might lead to punishment or some other undesirable result. Yes, you might feel sorry, hurt or angry but quite possibly the feeling of sorrow is for yourself and not necessarily for the other person who you hurt by your action or inaction. Another quote from the Sunday School booklet I wanted to highlight is this: "unconfessed sin destroys the human soul... the ultimate extent of sin... extends to others who are sinned against." I had a friend once, I'll call him Ted and he told me something that stuck with me. A colleague of his, I'll call him John, had committed adultery with Ted's wife. And when confronted by Ted about it, John said that God had forgiven him. And Ted said, "well it wasn't God who did this with my wife, it was you! John had obviously hurt Ted and even though John might have repented, Ted was still deeply wounded by the actions of his wife and his colleague. Ted needed something more. He needed healing. This story brings home an important point. If we are the victim of a crime or sin, on a human level, we have feelings about that harm. It might be deeply wounding, even causing long term damage. Why is confession important? Because it helps the offender begin to get right with God, but another reason is because it is a way offenders take responsibility for the wrongs they have committed. Some of the most powerful witnesses I have heard are stories from people who have publicly owned up to or have taken ownership of their sins. In a sense, they have unclothed themselves in a public way. That's risky isn't it? But it is a very powerful witness indeed. One reason it is so powerful is that it takes humility and trust. That trust probably comes into a person due to God's grace. I think that God is hurt by our sins, for he has a tender heart and fortunately for us, our God gives us his tender mercies. But still there is that nagging prickly problem of regret vs remorse. I have heard it said that regret is what people feel when they get caught in their sin. Often they are simply sorry their behavior has become public and therefore they are being held accountable. This self-serving regret shows up in false apologies like: "I'm sorry you took it like that." or "You know, I didn't mean that." Or even worse, "I am sorry you feel that way." In these statements the offender is not taking ownership of and responsibility for the harm they have done to others. Remorse: On the other hand, I think that true remorse involves grief, not so much for yourself, but for the other person, for the damage done to them. I grieve the loss of the other. It is as if I have gone through a small death with the other. I think that true healing comes from genuine empathy. The definition of empathy is: entering into another's feelings. It is true that I cannot feel what you feel exactly as you feel it. But I can do as our Lord Jesus Christ did. By all accounts it seems he had the ability to enter into the pain of the leper, the torment of the cripple or the wife who has lost her husband. It is as if he opened the door to their heart and entered there. That, my dear people, is true love. It is risky because it probably means that you are going to feel pain too. And it is human nature to avoid pain. I think this is an aspect of Jesus' divine nature - that he was able to set aside his own fear of pain, and touch the aggrieved, injured, or diseased human person. Isn't that part of the meaning of the cross? God's willingness to feel pain and to experience the ultimate letting go, that is, death. When we are able to reflect a person's feelings back to them in genuine empathy, I think we have become an instrument of healing. Even if we have offended another, we can be God's hand by reaching into the injury of the other, into their heart. I know an instance in which a couple went to their pastor because of a rift in their relationship. The wife expressed how deeply she was hurt by the behavior of her husband. But the husband seemed unaware of the suffering of his wife. The pastor simply told the husband, "Your wife is really hurt, can you see that? And can you say to her what she is feeling." At first the husband started to defend himself, but the pastor stopped him and reiterated his invitation to the man to reflect the wife's feeling to her. Finally, after a pause, after looking into the tearful eyes of his wife and feeling for her, he said, "Honey, you are hurt. I can see it on your face." And at that moment through her sobs, she said, "Yes, yes I am." That was the beginning of a healing process for that couple. Psalm 51 introduces us to the beginning process of the healing of David's sinful heart and the healing of his people. It began with his recognition of the harm he had done, the acknowledgement of his own brokenness. Healing began with David's heartfelt contrition. My challenge to us * Acknowledge to yourself, to God, and if you feel comfortable, to another person, the harm you have done. Make sure you trust that person to keep your confession to themselves. Then try to describe the feelings you think the other person had as a result of your action or inaction. If you decide to share this with another person, be sure your confession does no harm whatsoever to the person to whom you are confessing or the person you have harmed. And do not confess just to get it off your chest. Do it out of love and empathy for the other. Prayer Jesus we love you because you were such a tremendous lover. Teach us, grant us, dear precious Lord, a drop of the empathy you have for us. You are our Savior. You save us from our own selfishness, insensitivity and hardness of heart. Jesus, please tenderize and sensitize our hearts. We praise you for your tender mercy and we pray these things in your name. Amen.