2. I Said This You Heard That

I said This … You Heard That

1 Peter 3:7

POINT: Communication is LESS about what you say and MORE about what your spouse hears.

So, by a show of hands… how many of you remember watching, whether live or on some kind of television special, the wedding of Prince Charles and Princess Diana?

… I mean… if ever there was a story book wedding that had to be it right??

… The horses and carriages, the crowds lining the streets… the church bells… the pipe organ…

… Powerful leaders from all over the world there to give their blessing to this perfect

marriage…

… It was the perfect day…

- But it’s impossible to think of their wedding day without thinking of another day, 15 years later, when that same storybook couple went through a horrific divorce.

Happily Ever After???… I mean how can something that starts with such a storybook beginning turn so toxic and end so ugly?

… How is it that we can go from being so in Love with a person that we would vow to spend every day for the rest of our lives with them… and then come to the place where we regret ever saying, “I Do”?

… When did marriage get so complicated?

Well if you remember this is the conversation we waded out into last week… and even though we might all have differing opinions about marriage… we decided to dive headfirst into finding out what it takes to build the kind of marriage that’s strong enough to withstand the challenges of life…

And last week we laid some groundwork for our conversation by exposing for us all the single most destructive enemy of every marriage…

… The 1 common denominator of every marriage that is MISERABLE … every

marriage that is BROKEN and every marriage that has ENDED in divorce…

… and that common thread is SELFISHNESS!!!

… Now…that selfishness takes on a million different forms, and destroys marriages in a hundred

different ways…

… but without exception where there is brokenness in marriage… you will find selfishness…

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… BECAUSE REMEMBER… The marriage covenant, from the very beginning, has always been about 2 very selfish people coming together and selflessly putting their spouses needs above their own…

… And this was God’s Purpose/Plan from the very beginning…

… It’s the vow that every married couple makes to one another on their wedding day…

… And when that marriage covenant breaks down it’s almost always because 1 or maybe both people

in the marriage have made a very toxic shift in their thinking and behavior…

… They stop prioritizing their spouse and their spouses needs and instead they start making

their own personal happiness their priority…

So our hope last week was that… no matter where you would rate your marriage on the scale of HEALTHY vs UNHEALTHY… that you left here thinking through YOUR mindset and YOUR behavior…

… That you would ask yourself, “How well do I fulfill my marriage covenant?”

… Am I making my spouse and their needs the priority in my life?

… How would my spouse say I am doing with this?

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Now this week we’re going to be building on this idea of safeguarding our marriages against selfishness by looking at an area that most of us just take for granted in our marriages…

… an area that honestly, we tend to give very little thought to… UNTIL things seem to be

going very wrong…

… And again, our hope is that by making us all aware… we can take the necessary steps to put just one more layer of protection around our marriages…

Now over the last couple of decades there has been an explosion of studies being done to determine what it is that makes a good marriage…

… And as you can imagine these studies have had some significant variations in their results…

… But what’s interesting is that the one thing these studies seem to agree on

consistently is that nearly every person, 97%, who rate their COMMUNICATION as excellent also say they are Happily Married… (Repeat)

… 97%

… While on the flip side these studies have consistently found that when marriages are breaking down and falling apart the #1 cause is that the couple has an inability to effectively COMMUNICATE with one another… (Let it sink in)

In other words the satisfaction of your marriage relies heavily on your ability to effectively communicate with your spouse.

… And who can argue that???

… What marriage hasn’t experienced the frustration and pain of communication breaking down?

… A conversation that leaves you both dumbstruck because it seems no matter how

many words have been spoken… the 2 of you seem to be speaking in 2 completely

different languages…

… and in the middle of the battle our only thought is, “If I could just MAKE them understand…”

… So, we talk louder OR we talk slower… as if that was the problem… all in the hopes that a

cartoon light bulb will suddenly appear above our spouse’s head as they recognize the

brilliance of our ironclad argument…

… But if your argument ended up anything like mine… you found yourself no closer to a resolution than you were in the beginning… in fact it likely has gotten worse because somewhere it the middle of all of those words… you said something or a bunch of somethings that were hurtful and ugly and now resolution seems a little less attainable…

- And it just confirms to you… to your spouse… and to everyone who has ever been in that situation that Healthy and Helpful Communication inside of our marriages is really HARD…

But let me ask you this… what if there was a magic button for communicating with our spouses… or maybe like a Google Translate device you could talk into that everything you say would be translated into a language our spouses could totally understand…

… And whether you were sharing exciting news or having a casual conversation… whether it’s a tense moment or an all-out disagreement… your thoughts and words would never again be misunderstood or misinterpreted, instead they would be heard, received and clearly understood…

I mean now that we know how huge a role communication plays in the success of our marriage… how much would having clear and peaceful communication with your spouse be worth…?

Well unfortunately to my knowledge this app has not yet been released in the apple store or in the google play store…

… But until some 13-year-old comes up with this and becomes a billionaire tech giant… what if there was something we could give you today… FOR FREE… that would start you down the path of better communication with your spouse…

What if we could introduce you to a truth that even though it will grate against your own selfishness, would help you communicate with your spouse… or really anyone for that matter… in a way that no longer lends itself to this crazy cycle of ineffective communication?

… Would anybody be interested in getting off the communication crazy train and shoring up your spot in the Happily Married category?

Well here it goes… and I have to clarify… this truth is not something I came up with… in fact it’s a truth that’s been discovered through dozens of marriage studies performed over the last several years… but I believe more than that it’s a truth we find in God’s Word when it comes to living in peace with our spouse…

So get your pen out… because here it comes…

THE TRUTH IS THIS: Communication is far LESS about what you say and far MORE about what your spouse hears (repeat)

Now I understand this may be a little confusing at first, but let’s think about it like this…

In my house if Sharon buys a new outfit or cooks a new meal or really any number of things

And then she asks me… “So what do you think?” and I for whatever reason respond

“It’s Fine.” Her immediate response is nearly 100% of the time… “I Hate Fine!”

Now what I was saying is, “I see nothing that I am opposed to with your outfit or that new recipe” but what SHE hears is… Either… “Sharon, I don’t really care enough to have a genuine opinion” OR “Sharon I hate that, but I’m not willing to spend the energy it will take to tell you why.”

And as funny as that may sound to you… I am confident that if you are married… you have your own personal example of this in your marriage…

… I said THIS… but you heard THAT…

… And this communication breakdown can be attributed to a thousand different things and some are legitimate and some are totally unfair… but it doesn’t change the fact that the word fine in my house isn’t received as a nod of approval it’s interpreted as a slight to a conversation my wife is wanting to have…

And that is all because… in communication… it has little to do with I say… and really everything to do with what my wife hears…

In fact… Studies have proven that in an interaction between 2 people… friends… bosses… parents… and even spouses…

… Your NON-VERBAL communication… Body language, facial expression, etc… makes up 58%

of your total interaction

… The tone of your Voice accounts for another 35%

… and the actual words that are spoken only account for 7% of the total interaction…

So let me say it again… In my marriage… in your marriage… in every marriage on this planet… your communication has only 7% to do with WHAT you say… and 93% to do with what your spouse is hearing…

So in a world that has trained us to put so much emphasis on our words how can we learn to communicate in a way that is healthy and helpful?

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Well it’s interesting that you should ask… because when I was preparing for this message, I came across a scripture that I’ve read dozens of times before…

… but this time when I read it the Holy Spirit did what the Holy Spirit does and caused

something new to jump out to me…

… And I believe it just might be the answer to our million-dollar question…

In 1 Peter 3:7… Peter says…

Husbands live with your wives according to knowledge… she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

Now again I’ve read this dozens of times but this time as I was reading… the words “According to Knowledge” practically jumped off the page at me…

Husbands live with your wives according to knowledge…

… Peter is saying…

…“Listen… in case you don’t know this… your spouse is WAY different than you are…

and to assume they listen or hear or think, or process life the way you do is foolish…

… So your job as their spouse is to GO TO SCHOOL on your spouse…

… To GAIN KNOWLEDGE about what it is that makes them tick…

… Peter is telling us… “Husbands… wives… GO on a journey to discover what it is that speaks life to your spouse

… What speaks love to them…

… What builds them up when they’re discouraged…

… What brings them peace and calm in the turmoil of life…

… Learn what causes your spouse to feel insecure…

… What causes them pain… and fear and anxiety…

… Learn those areas where your spouse feels inadequate…

He is saying… Gain KNOWLEDGE of who your spouse is and then start communicating with them according to that KNOWLEDGE.

And again this doesn’t come naturally, because even though we hate to admit it we are by nature selfish and when it comes to communication often times we are lazy…

… I mean… We just want to say what we want to say and make it our spouses’ responsibility

to just know what we mean…

… but is that what we promised to do on our wedding day… or did we make a vow to

speak the language of love that they can clearly understand?

- You see I cannot believe that even one person in this room started their marriage off with the thought of having terrible communication habits… Instead we started off with a belief that our marriage would be the example for all marriages to follow…

… And the truth is… It can be…

But the kind of marriage you long for… the kind of marriage I long for… the kind of marriage your spouse truly longs for… that kind of marriage is hard work…

… it requires learning our spouse… learning how to communicate with them in the ways they

understand… ways that are helpful and UNSELFISH…

… Ok Pastor Roger I hear you… but how…?

… Well unfortunately there is no magic button or app for your phone…

But thankfully Peter was onto something when he instructs us to Live with our spouses according to knowledge…

… SO honestly we have to make up our minds that our marriage is worth the hard work…

… We have to start having conversations with our spouse and asking them what we can do to speak their language…

… What builds them up… What makes them feel loved…

… There are several resources out there that are designed to help with things like this… The one we use most often for couple isa called the 5 love languages… There is even a test that you take that can define for you some ways to love your spouse that will mean tht emost to them…

… IF you are interested in that please see us and we can get you a copy of that…

But can I tell you the real success in communicating with your spouse… getting off the crazy train of bad communication is to stop being selfish…

… Stop approaching your marriage and your communication in your marriage as if it is a quest to have YOUR needs met… and YOUR opinions heard… and instead make the shift to placing your spouse above yourself…

And I get it that is not easy… but no one ever promised marriage would be easy… the promise was that the hard work would be so worth it.

CONCLUSION

After all the data was collected and all the conclusions were drawn the study we referred to earlier had this to say… “In an era of increasingly fragile marriages a couple’s ability to communicate is the single most important contributor to a satisfying and stable marriage…”

YORU MARRIAGE IS WORTH IT!!!

BOW HEADS

Ephesians 4:29 TEV

Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.

Instead we have to remember that we made a vow to speak their love

Hey do you want to get out of the crazy cycle of terrible communication in your marriage…? … Are you ready to replace the tension with some peace…

… Are you ready to speak and be confident that your spouse is hearing exactly what you’re

saying?

… Well understand it has nothing to do with saying MORE words… or speaking those words Louder or

Slower…

… If you want to be in that 97% of people who can honestly claim that they are Happily Married… then you’re going to need to live with your spouse according to KNOWLEDGE…

… OR in other words you’re going to have to LEARN your spouse…

… You’re going to have to quit being clueless about them…

Peter is saying you want to have a marriage that is you and your spouse love…

Then you are going to have to remember… Your Communication is far LESS about what you say and far MORE about what your spouse hears… (?)

You need to learn how to speak their love language…

CONCLUSION

The study we referenced earlier gave this as their final conclusion… “In an era of increasingly fragile marriages a couple’s ability to communicate is the single most important contributor to a satisfying and stable marriage…”

You need to stop assuming they are like you and expecting them to think and act like you

and you need to start remembering that they were created to be completely different than

you…

And that means That the language they speak will very likely be totally different than You need to start speaking her language instead of your own…

… What communicates

start to figure out what it is that communicates love to her and what communicates fear

some couples identify differences and then set out to eliminate them.

Instead of eliminating your spouses ____ the trick is to go to school on your spouse…

It’s that battle to push selfishness aside and learn to read and communicate woth oyur spouse the way they need to be communicated with…

Ephesians 4:29 was not talking necessarily about marriage, but it was talking about relationships in general when it says

And we can list the #1 breakdown in marriage as being Communication because what we typically do is we communicate with our spouse the way WE process life and because our spouse processes life completely different they just don’t get it…

Because you process information logically, but she processes emotionally…

You process verbally but he processes in quiet contemplation…

You process quickly but he processes slowly and methodically

… And fight after fight… year after year you conclude… “No matter what I say we’re

never going to see eye to eye…”

And it’s at this point I want to introduce you to a statement that if you commit it to memory… truly has the power to completely revolutionize the communication inside of your marriage… and for our unmarried friends this statement can be applied to any and every relationship…

And just so you’re not tempted to check out on me I want to remind all of you husbands… and wives… You’re just not as good as you think you are when it comes to communicating with your spouse… so listen up…

POINT: Are you ready to write this down…? Communication is far LESS about what you say and far MORE about what your spouse hears.

Now even if for you this statement seems a little silly I need you to focus in with me this morning…

When dating very careful to read the signs.

Because when it comes to communication the BIGGEST mistake every one of us makes is ASSUMING that our spouse HEARS, RECEIVES, and PROCESSES information the same way that we do.

… and because we make this assumption… instead of communicating information, fears,

doubts, dreams, goals and even love the way they need us to… we communicate it the way

WE best understand it and we expect them to get it and be completely on board…

One of you may process and reason emotionally whole the other processes and reasons logically

One of you may

So in other words Communication is a key…

And on the flip side poor communication is the #1 fox that comes in and destroys the garden of Love.

studies that are being preformed have concluded something that you could have told them

Again refers to these violators of marriage as little foxes that

zoom in a little closer on this idea of selfish marriage…

… To talk through some talk about some very practical

what we’re going to be doing is peeling back another layer of this mystery of marriage by talking through some really practical mistakes that most of us make regularly that chip away from the stability and strength of our marriages…

…

The more social scientists dig into the study of what makes a good marriage and what causes marriages to fall apart, the more they are realizing th

We assume a majority of our communication is in our words…

WE COMMUNICATE WITH ALL 5 of our senses

Sight: Body language and

Sound: Words

Smell: Sharons perfume

Touch: Hello

Taste:

studies that are performed

specifically want to do is today we are going to shift gears a little bit and focus in on

I love how we make kind and tactful ways of stating really ugly things…

AMybe think of a modern example…

But the newest legaleze is the marriage is being dissolved… the paperwork is labeled dissolution of marriage…

… trying to make it non offensive or

ceremony and your reception are… unless you are willing to do the hard work of marriage

The Apostle Paul says it like this in 1 Corinthians 7:28 NIV

“... those who marry will face many troubles in this life...”

And when I think about marriage and how it was supposed to be… and then I look at how it is actually happening in our world today it makes me ask the question…

that doesn’t I have

ILLUSTRATION: A study found that working couples spend about 36 minutes a day cooking, cleaning, shopping, paying bills, and demonstrating affection toward one another… and a staggering 12 minutes a day talking with each other…

POINT: That’s an average of 48 minutes a day together.

- You spend more time than that just driving to and from work.

- You want to quit doing marriage Wrong?... Then you have to start talking and listening to your spouse more.

- Ladies this is time without a telephone in your ear, or Dr Phil, or Oprah.

- Guys this is time without a remote or a special project in operation. - We listen to our colleagues, our friends, our pastor, BUT we neglect listening to our spouse.

- The one person that we love so much that we have committed the rest of our life to them.

- Marriage is Hard Work… Go to school on your spouse…

… Hear what they are saying and learn what they are needing from you… and fulfill it.

… Repeat back to your spouse what you think they are saying… avoids confusion…

… Refuse to tell your spouse “You can’t feel that way”… yes they can… and they do…

… it’s your job to help them walk through it…

- I know when you get home from work you’re talked out, played out and just want to eat and crash.

- There are times for just that.

While only 56% of people who would rate their communication as poor would say they are

Happily Married…

- HOWEVER what we do is spend our best time investing in other people and their lives and we for get to invest into our own.

- We neglect talking and loving our spouse and kids.

- We take for granted that they will always be there.

One recent poll found that, 97% of people who would rate their communication as excellent would also say they are Happily Married…

While only 56% of people who would rate their communication as poor would say they are

Happily Married…

And after all the data was compiled this poll concluded… “In an era of increasingly fragile marriages a couple’s ability to communicate is the single most important contributor to a satisfying and stable marriage…”

And the answer is SELFLESS PURSUIT:

You see we’ve already established that men and women are completely different in nearly every way…

… and during the dating phase of our relationship we celebrate those differences… we’re on a quest to learn everything we can about that person… We’re patient and we genuinely listen… we make eye contacta and And as we discover new and interesting things we make adjustments and allowances and even sacrifices to give our 2 lives the opportunity to come together in harmony…

… But

but somehow when it comes to communication

In other words… There’s a lot riding on us figuring out how to effectively communicate with our spouses…

… But what’s the fox…?

The question is which will it be for oyu?

… So here’s our challenge we face as husbands and wives is to discover how we can COMMUNICATE with our spouses in a way thatbuilds our marriage rather than tears it down…

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COMMUNICATION…

- So how do we get off of this communication crazy cycle?

One recent poll found that

And after all the data was compiled this poll concluded… “In an era of increasingly fragile marriages a couple’s ability to communicate is the single most important contributor to a satisfying and stable marriage…”