1. Happily Ever After

Happily Ever After

PRAY FOR PASTOR

Open Bible

So this morning we’re going to be wading out into some scary territory…

… and we can do this because Pastor is thousands of miles away this morning and he can’t fire

me for it… WELL AT LEAST NOT UNTIL HE GETS BACK…

… But today we’re throwing caution to the wind and we’re starting a 4-week conversation talking

about Marriage…

… Now if you’re here this morning and you’re thinking, “Well that’s going to be a short conversation because I’m not married!” … then I want to talk to you for just a second…

Over the next few weeks we are going to be exploring some very simple yet incredibly powerful truths that are vital for building healthy relationships… and even if marriage is not your current reality or even in your plans at all… these truths will serve you well in building and maintaining Healthy relationships…

… AND THAT LEADS US TO THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION… WHAT MAKES A HEALTHY MARRIAGE…?

ILLUSTRATION:

Les and Leslie Parrot in their book Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts had this to say…

When asked, “What makes a good marriage? The answer given by nearly 90% of the population is “Being in Love.”

When asked to list the essential ingredients of love as a basis for marriage, however, a survey of more than 1000 college students revealed that “no single item was mention by at least one half of those who responded.”

… IN OTHER WORDS… WE ALL AGREE THAT LOVE IS ESSENTIAL FOR A HEALTHY

MARRIAGE… THE PROBLEM IS WE CAN’T AGREE ON WHAT LOVE IS…

So that tells us from the very beginning of this discussion is…

#1 Every person here has a different opinion about marriage…

#2 The current condition of the marriages represented here are all over the map…

… Some of you are madly in love with your spouse while others never more mad at them…

… Some of your marriages are stronger than ever while others are hanging on by a thread…

… Some of you your marriage journey has been mostly smooth and enjoyable while others

your marriage journey has been a challenge from the words I do…

But regardless of how you would categorize your marriage TODAY… what we do have in common is that all of our marriages at least started at the same place… WE FELL IN LOVE…

… AND on your wedding day… it was THAT LOVE that catapulted you to an altar or a

courthouse or a chapel of Love where you stood before friends, family and maybe even

Elvis… and you said “I Do”…

… and like all the people around you this morning… ON THAT DAY… your love carried with it this unspoken belief that… “From this day forward… your life together with your new spouse was going to be perfect…”

… Now… you knew that was a little naïve… bc you had never seen a perfect marriage before…

… But somewhere inside… you had the idea that you were going to defy the odds…

… That somehow… even if only by sheer determination… your marriage would be the example

for all other marriages… the pinnacle of fulfillment in your life…

… And if you weren’t feeling that way… what were you doing getting married? …

… But it didn’t take long did it?… for life to barge in and burst your bubble…

… maybe it was his wicked morning breath…

OR … maybe it was waking up next to a woman you had never seen before because somehow

your beautiful bride’s face… smeared off onto the pillow sometime during the night…

But for every one of us… as the days went by… the more we started realizing just how many things we DIDN’T have in common…

… and the more these differences started to pile up… the further away from Happily Ever After

our marriages seemed to drift…

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- Thankfully though… we’re in good company… because there’s not a married couple here who doesn’t have stories of times when combining 2 lives into 1 felt nothing like Phil Collins promised it would…

… We’ve all felt the CRASH when our spouse’s personality collides with ours…

… The uneasy tension when we just don’t see things the same way…

… We’ve all been guilty of saying or doing stupid things that cause our spouses to hurt…

It has to be what the Apostle Paul was talking about in 1 Corinthians 7:28 NIV when he says

“... those who marry will face many troubles in this life...”

BUT THAT BRINGS US TO OUR MYSTERY OF THE DAY… The question that needs answering…

… How is it that even though we have all experienced the good and the bad of marriage…

some marriages today are stronger than ever while at the other end of the spectrum others

are hanging on by a thread?

… How can some couples navigate the challenges of life and marriage and parenting… job loss

and family crisis and their marriage seems to only get stronger… while others it seems even

the smallest setback sets their marriage on a collision course with divorce?

… how is it that of the 2.4 million people who will be married in the US this year… 43% will choose to walk away before their 2nd anniversary?

… What is the difference?... what’s the deciding factor of whether your marriage succeeds or it

fails?

We know it’s not Race, Age, Economic position, or even how many years you’ve been married because divorce has crossed all of these boundaries…

… So, what is it that causes so many couples to call it quits?

WELL… because I am feeling so wild and free this morning… I’m going to go off the rails and give you the answer right up front… then we’re going to spend some time talking it through…

But the simple… YET mind-numbing… reality is that a majority of marriages that are falling apart or that have fallen apart do so because 1 or possibly both of the people in the marriage FORGOT.

We have this beautiful ceremony… maybe even a honeymoon… and then the adventure begins… we move into our own place and start making a new life together…

But then Somewhere in the middle of 2 hearts believing in just one mind… together forever til the end of time… life started to happen… and the cares and realities of life start crashing up against our hopes and dreams... unexpected circumstances and demands begin to consume our time, energy and resources… Our promise to be attentive and to meet one another’s needs are overtaken by busyness and just trying to keep up… and a steady diet of this leaves everyone feeling hurt and angry because our expectations for a happy marriage are going unmet…

And somewhere in that fog… in that really hard part of marriage… you both start to forget…

… You forget the hopes and dreams that made you want to say “I DO” in the first place

… You forget how excited you were to create a brand-new life together with this person… a

life that would be the envy of every couple around you…

… You forget that of the 7.7 billion people on the planet… they were the 1 person you chose

to live the rest of your life with…

… You forget that out of the 7.7 billion people… they chose you…

… Somehow in the wake of disappointment and unmet expectations the promises and commitments you made to your spouse on your wedding day start to move to the back of your mind and they are replaced with thoughts like…

… “This is not what I signed up for at all!”

… “I deserve better than this!”

… “I deserve to be happy!”

… “They promised me a better life than they are giving me!”

And your mind and your behavior start to make a very subtle, but very toxic transition…

… where you begin PRIORITIZING YOUR HAPPINESS OVER YOUR COMMITMENT…

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One of my favorite parts of performing a wedding ceremony is the ability to recount with this couple as well as their family and friends exactly what it was God had in mind when He established the marriage covenant.

… You see Genesis teaches us that God spoke and all of creation came into existence…

… Water and land and plants and animals… and then as His greatest work… His masterpiece…

God created man…

BUT God wasn’t quite done… in chapter 2 we see that God looks around and says…

Genesis 2:18 ESV

“It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

I love how the Amplified Bible puts it…

It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.

So God was looking around at His creation… and when He looked at Adam He said, “You know what Adam… I don’t want you living life by yourself… So I’m going to make (you) a helper… and she’s going to be (suitable, adapted, complementary) for you.

… Her gifts and abilities aren’t going to be the same as yours… instead they will complement yours

… Her role is going to be to meet your needs… and your role will be to meet hers…

… and the 2 of you will come together and be one flesh…

… Eve made FOR Adam…… Adam made FOR Eve

… A COVENANT OF COMPANIONSHIP… GOD’S PERFECT PLAN FOR MARRIAGE… 2 VERY SELFISH PEOPLE, SELFLESSLY PRIORITIZING THEIR SPOUSE ABOVE THEMSELVES…

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But let me ask you this morning… Is this what you see happening in the marriages around you…?

… Is this what you’re experiencing in your marriage…?

… How about your spouse… Is this what they’re experiencing in their marriage?

My guess is… everywhere you look… at your job… in your family… on your softball team… in your book club… and even in your church there are men and women you know who are unhappy and unfulfilled in their unhealthy marriages… waiting for just the right time to pull the plug and call it quits…

… Maybe some of you have even had these thoughts…

So what makes the difference…?

… What is it that the 57% know that the 43% are obviously missing…

I can tell you it’s probably not what you think…

… People are not getting divorced because post wedding they suddenly discover that life is hard

… Life was hard b4 they were married, and life will still be hard after… They knew that!

… People are not getting divorced because they suddenly realize their spouse isn’t perfect…

… They weren’t perfect before they were married… They knew that…

… People are not even getting divorced because they are too much alike, or because they

have Too little in common…

… That is in no way the defining factor of whether a marriage will work or not…

The reality is marriages fall apart because somewhere in the fog of life and responsibility 1 or likely both people in the marriage make a toxic shift in their thinking and their behavior…

… It probably wasn’t even on purpose, but the more of their needs that were going unmet… the more unfulfilled they felt in their marriage… and the harder it became for them to remember that their marriage vows, their marriage commitment and their marriage covenant was to selflessly put their spouse and their spouse’s needs above their own… PERIOD

… And let’s be honest… we don’t even have to try to be selfish… it comes completely

natural…

… Selflessness on the other hand that is nearly impossible for all of us…

… So without effort we can mindlessly go from: “How can I serve my spouse?” to compiling an

exhaustive list of ways they are not adequately serving us.

… And then we start to fixate on those things…Ignoring all that they do well… and

focusing our attention and energy on what they are not.

And we walk down the path that is so easy to follow… the path of prioritizing our happiness over our covenant and commitment.

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Now we said it from the beginning… The marriages represented in this room this morning are all over the map…

… Some are good… some are stagnant… some are steadily decaying… some are all but over…

But let me ask you this… no matter what category you fall in… what would happen if YOU just chose to remember…

… I’m not talking about telling your spouse, “Hey Pastor Roger preached a message you really

need to hear!”

… I’m talking about YOU making the choice to remove yourself from the fog…

… to stop allowing all of those things in life that are out of your control… the uncertainties…

the unrealistic demands… the unmet expectations… to determine how you handle what is in

your control…

What if you were to strip away all of the ugliness and resentment and bitterness of those unmet expectations… and just return to the commitments you made to the love of your life… on what was one of the greatest days of your life… your wedding day…

… What if you just went back and recommitted yourself to what you KNOW to be true…

… My marriage commitment is about selflessly loving my spouse… Learning who they are and loving them to the best of my ability…

Can I tell you what I think would happen… I think PEACE would return in your spirit… and whether your spouse gets on board or not… whether they even notice or not… I believe that turmoil and unsettledness you feel when you think about your marriage will begin to subside…

… I believe God will give you the ability to see your marriage through the eyes of love and

commitment again instead of through the lens of hurt and frustration…

BOW HEADS

So husband … wife let me talk to you… How are you doing?

HEBREWS 13:4 (NCV)

Marriage should be honored by everyone, and husband and wife should keep their marriage pure.

Are you faithfully fulfilling your promises… To love and to cherish… to place your spouses needs above your own…

Are you keeping your marriage pure by not allowing those selfish… self-seeking… self-promoting attitudes that come so naturally to us all into your marriage?

Are you living up to your commitment… OR Have you started to prioritize your happiness above your commitment?

to not allow anything to find its way into your

What of we were to choose to see our marriage through a different lens…

But is your skin thick enough to receive a some truth this morning…?

can I tell you why every 13 seconds someone in the US files for divorce…

walking away from their marriage covenant...

… Circumstances and troubles and ever growing columns of what we don’t have in common are leading thousands to abandon their marriage covenant…

What happened…?

I mean when

… That covenant that was established in the Garden of Eden, by our Heavenly Father…

… Before sin and corruption and weakness was introduced into the world…

… That covenant that was entered into the day we stood before God and our families and said “I Do”

… in droves are setting this covenant aside

When dodo the marriage covenant talked about in Genesis 2… the one that men and women commit to on the day of their wedding… the one that both individuals are literally saying… “I would rather be torn in half than to not fulfill my covenant obligation to you.”

… When did that covenant become so

PRIORITIZE YOUR HAPPINESS OVER YOUR COVENANT

neck deep in this culture that is dead set on being independent from anyone including God… marriage is being seen and defined through a totally different lens.

… No longer about being what our spouse needs and has transitioned into our spouse being what we need

And when they don’t fill those expectations we start to question

Talk about covenant… Allistair begg

Abraham and Gods covenant Genesis 15

H inference of this covenant relationship of Marriage… the individuals are saying to one another…

May I be torn in half If I do not fuflill for you my covenant obligation

Covenant of Companionship

I mean what can we do to keep our marriages from heading down the path of And what would it take to make sure your marriage doesn’t take …

WHAT HAPPENED TO HAPPILY EVER AFTER?

WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR LOFTY DREAMS AND EXPECTATIONS OF MARRIAGE?

The reality is Marriage doesn’t fall apart because all of the sudden you realize your spouse isn’t perfect… you knew that from the start.

Marriage doesn’t fall apart because you suddenly discover that life is hard… Life was hard before you me tna you knew it would be hard after…

Marriage doesn’t fall apart because you are too alike, or you are not alike enough…

Marriage doesn’t fall apart because the excitement has dwindled…

Marriage falls apart because somewhere in the middle of 2 hearts believing in just one mind… together forever til the end of time… 2 selfish people forget…

Somewhere along the way they lose sight of what the real goal of mairriage has always been… they forget the gravity of the promise they made is and they forget

get lost in the fog…

…

- Is the best we can hope for in marriage a Short-term euphoria… followed by a steady diet of disappointment… until we settle into a lifeless Marriage OR until one or both of you decide to pull the plug and let this thing die?

… If the statistics are correct only around 50% of marriages will survive… and that an

unsettling number of those that do survive are far from healthy or fulfilling?

- SO WHAT HAPPENED?

In laying the groundwork for companionship and for marriage we see that God created Adam and Eve FOR one another…

when He says…And it is all the way in the beginning that we’re given this unadulterated glimpse into God’s real purpose for marriage…

STOPPED HERE… COMMITMENT IS THE TOPIC FOR WEEK #1

WHAT IF?

… what if there was a different way to do marriage that wasn’t miserable and frustrating?

… what if there was a way of doing marriage that drew u together rather than push you apart?

… what if marriage could actually be fun and fulfilling again?

… where you long to be together rather than long for them to leave?

… What if yoru marriage could become

- I believe that this kind of marriage is not only Possible… but I believe that it was God’s original plan when He created marriage…

- So over the next few weeks we’re going to be discovering what it takes to have this kind of marriage.

… the kind of marriage that… you make people sick how in love you are with your spouse…

And my Ultimate Prayer is that every good marriage, every bad marriage, every struggling marriage, every stagnant marriage is released from the holding pattern of “Marriage Done Wrong”…

… and they are replaced with a marriage that is amazing…

- So no matter where you are in your marriage story… Still looking for the right person…

In marriage number 1

Or marriage number 3

- I want to challenge you to make these next 3 weeks a priority and get a hold of the ingredients that are essential in every successful healthy marriage…

… If you apply them… They can relight the candle of romance in your marriage…

… They can save your marriage that you feel is beyond repair…

… They can give you wisdom in your selecting that right person…

… Anybody ready to get started?

- Well we have to start with 2 incontrovertible facts:

1. It’s easy to “Get Married”… Scary Easy…

2. It is Very Hard Work to “Stay Married”

- This is partly because we go into marriage with all kinds of romantic notions about marriage?

… Theories that we have that when the pressure comes don’t hold up...

- We’re so in love that it doesn’t matter that our families hate each other.

- We’re so in love that it doesn’t matter that neither of us have a job.

- We’re so in love that these little differences just don’t matter.

- My personal favorite: When we get married all of these problems will just take care of themselves.

- Sharon and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary last month.

- And in my 13 years of wedded bliss I have learned a few very valuable lessons…:

- Like it or not… you do marry their family too…

- All you need is Love, Love… Love is all you need… doesn’t pay the bills.

- Little annoyances have an uncanny way of festering into a really BIG DEAL.

- Getting married doesn’t eliminate problems, it creates all new problems.

ILLUSTRATION:

It’s kind of like one woman who went to a judge and said, "I want a divorce." He asked her, "Why?" She said, "I don't like him." He said, "You promised to take him for better or worse." She said, "Yeah, but he's a lot worse than I took him for."

… Ever get that feeling ladies….No of course not!

- Well let’s start his whole series out with this one Understanding… God didn’t design marriage to be miserable… He created marriage to bring happiness and joy and fulfillment.

Slide #2

Genesis 2:18 GNT

“Then God said, "It is not good for the man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him."

- Contrary to some of our beliefs… God didn’t create Marriage because He thought we needed a

permanent sparring partner… He create Marriage because He recognized we needed a companion…

——————————————————————————————————————————————————

- So This morning we’re going to spend some time talking about 2 Ingredients that are necessary for Building a Strong Marriage Foundation:

… Everything rises and falls on the foundation…

Slide #3

ingredient #1 A COMMITTED LOVE

- Regardless of how long you’ve been married the truth is… your marriage will be tested.

- Whether it’s finances, parenting, sex, careers, we will be faced with trials in our marriage.

Slide #4

The Apostle Paul says it like this in 1 Corinthians 7:28 NIV

“... those who marry will face many troubles in this life...”

… He is saying… “Listen when you try to merge 2 lives… 2 genders… 2 backgrounds… 2 families… 2 personalities… there is going to be conflict…”

Can anyone say AMEN to that?

- Arguments, disagreements, and personality conflicts are inevitable…

AND - There will be days where you don’t feel like being married…

ILLUSTRATION:

One man’s bumper sticker boldly proclaimed, “I married Miss Right…. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.”

- And during these frustrating times in marriage we learn an incredibly valuable lesson…

… Emotions and feelings can’t be trusted to hold a marriage together.

- Emotions and feelings are great, but they change… OFTEN…

… Emotions and feelings can change depending on the mood your spouse is in…

… Emotions and feelings can change with the color of her hair… the size of his waistline…

… Emotions and feelings change all the time… and they can’t be trusted to hold a marriage together.

… But the thing that is absolutely necessary for your marriage to last and be what God intended for it to be is… COMMITTED LOVE…

… Because Committed Love has the ability and depth to say… “I may not like you today… But I will Always Love you!”

- And this may be exactly where some of your marriages are this morning…

- Maybe it’s been weeks or months since you have felt loved by your spouse.

- Maybe it’s been weeks or months since you have felt love for your spouse.

- It may seem that the Passion will never be restored to your marriage.

- If this is you, as your Pastor, I want to strongly encourage you… Don’t give up just because you no longer FEEL LIKE being married…

- Emotion is not the glue that holds a marriage together, it’s COMMITTED LOVE.

Slide #5

Mark 4:17 MSG

Jesus said, “There is a shallow type of person that when the emotions wear off and some difficulty arrives, there is nothing to show for it.”

- I know when you wake up thinking, “This is not the kind of life that I signed on for.”, it’s very

tempting to just give up and call it quits.

… and let’s be honest… our society plays into that notion by making divorce very easy.

ILLUSTRATION:

Sharon and I were at a convention several years ago and saw a billboard that said “Finalized Divorces in a Weekend”

- You could wake up on Saturday and file and your divorce be finalized by Monday.

- At least getting married there is a blood test that you are required to take. (3 days)

- We have made divorce so easy and common that we have cheapened Marriage from a God ordained Holy union between a man and a woman….into a cohabitation of convenience and self gratification.

- Hey don’t get me wrong… There are days that Sharon and I do not see eye to eye.

- We have a differing opinion and we both dig our heels in and something that is little grows.

- BUT we made a decision 13 years ago that NO MATTER WHAT we would both ALWAYS be willing to work at our marriage, because its for life. (divorce is not an option) (separated only by death)

… We are Committed to Loving Each other…

ILLUSTRATION:

How many home owners do we have here this morning?

- As a homeowner you spend hundreds of dollars a year to keep lawn looking great.

- Seed, Fertilizer, Weed Killer, etc.

- Let me ask you a question… Would you spend the same amount of time and energy and money if you were just renting the house you are living in?

- “No… I might mow … I might Not… Weeds who cares they are someone else’s weeds…”

Let me ask you another question let’s say you were getting ready to sell your house:

- You know that you need to replace the flooring in the living room:

- You have found a floor you like that comes in two grades: 3 year guarantee or 10 yr.

- Which do you buy? ANSWER: 3 year

POINT: Why is this? Because we are not willing to invest into something that is going to be sold soon, or something that belongs to someone else.

- We want to invest our time and money into things that are going to last a lifetime.

- That’s why our Marriage has to have a foundation of Committed Love… Lifetime Love…

Slide #6

What’s the next Ingredient for a Strong Foundation of Marriage?

ingredient #2 EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

ILLUSTRATION: A study found that working couples spend about 36 minutes a day cooking, cleaning, shopping, paying bills, and demonstrating affection toward one another… and a staggering 12 minutes a day talking with each other…

POINT: That’s an average of 48 minutes a day together.

- You spend more time than that just driving to and from work.

- You want to quit doing marriage Wrong?... Then you have to start talking and listening to your spouse more.

- Ladies this is time without a telephone in your ear, or Dr Phil, or Oprah.

- Guys this is time without a remote or a special project in operation. - We listen to our colleagues, our friends, our pastor, BUT we neglect listening to our spouse.

- The one person that we love so much that we have committed the rest of our life to them.

- Marriage is Hard Work… Go to school on your spouse…

… Hear what they are saying and learn what they are needing from you… and fulfill it.

… Repeat back to your spouse what you think they are saying… avoids confusion…

… Refuse to tell your spouse “You can’t feel that way”… yes they can… and they do…

… it’s your job to help them walk through it…

- I know when you get home from work you’re talked out, played out and just want to eat and crash.

- There are times for just that.

- HOWEVER what we do is spend our best time investing in other people and their lives and we for get to invest into our own.

- We neglect talking and loving our spouse and kids.

- We take for granted that they will always be there.

- Listen up… and this is going to be a very hard pill for many of you to swallow…

… you are going to want to push back more about this than anything else I have said today...

Your spouse has to know that they are the most important person in your entire life.

- Mom’s… You are a wife before you’re a mother

- Dad’s… You are a husband before you’re a dad.

- The truth is that your children are not the center of your family… Your marriage is.

- Your love for your children flows out of the health of your marriage relationship.

- If a husband and wife forget that, the family falls apart. - I know that there are times where you just feel like giving up.

- This morning I want to encourage you all to make these next 3 weeks a priority.

- Don’t allow any excuses to stop you from coming to discover how to make your marriage stronger.

- Stronger Marriages = Stronger families.

- Stronger Families= Stronger society.

Slide #7

- Invite your friends and family that are married or will someday be married.

Next week we will be talking about “Understanding How Things Went Wrong”

- Looking into the demise from the wedding day until today.

BOW HEADS

Priestly Blessing:

May the LORD bless you and protect you. (Numbers 6:24)

May the LORD smile on you and be gracious to you. (Numbers 6:25)

May the God of peace, produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, all that is pleasing to him. (Heb 13:20)

So You will be blessed wherever you go, both in coming and in going. (Deut 28:6)

May the LORD show you his favor and give you his peace.' (Numbers 6:26)

And cause you to overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. (Rom 15:13)