4. Make Your Choice

Make Your Choice

Philippians 4:8

Well here we are… at the 4th and final week of our series Happily Ever After…

… and our prayer is that these last few weeks have gotten you thinking about your marriage again…

… That each week you have left here with not only something to THINK about… but with something you can APPLY in your marriage today that will help make it the strong and healthy marriage you and your spouse both desire…

But that does leave us with the question… How do you wrap up a series like this…?

… I mean it would be naive to believe that we’ve somehow brought clarity and resolution to

every question or issue you may have with your marriage or marriage in general…

… That task would take a few more than 4 weeks to get done…

So with so much still left out there… how do you bring a series like this to an end…

… I think the answer is… we come right back to where we started… full circle… right back

to Happily Ever After…

… I mean is it REAL? … Is it just a MYTH? Is it even remotely possible?

… Walt Disney sure makes it look easy doesn’t he… We all grew up reading the books and watching the movies and from all appearances it looks like… once you find the right person all the pieces magically just fall into place… and everyone is suddenly and permanently happy and fulfilled…

… But with all due respect here’s what I have to say to Walt Disney… Walt your Full of bologna…!!!

… Never in the history of mankind has any relationship EVER gone like that…

… Where without effort… all the “stuff” of marriage just miraculously worked itself out…

But with that being the case… it brings us right back to our question… is Happily Ever After really even a thing…?

… Is it really possible for 2 very selfish people… who are completely different from one another… to come together and blend their backgrounds, their families, their personalities together and live a life that is truly happy?

I mean… what would it honestly take for a couple to truly live Happily Ever After…?

Well interestingly enough… a prominent UCLA researcher, Dr. Allen Parducci, asked this very question and his findings were very telling…

So after all of his research what Dr Parducci concluded was… When it comes to a couples happiness… Money, Success, Health, Beauty, Intelligence, and Power have very little to do with it.

… Now I can hear your evil thoughts… “Let me tell you this Little Preacher… if I were the wealthiest, most successful, most Attractive, and INTELLIGENT person around… I think I would have no problem being happy…”

… But Dr. Parducci says… FALSE…

Slide #2

But what he did go on to say is that the level of a couple’s happiness is determined by each partner’s ability to adjust to things beyond his or her control. (REPEAT)

… That happy couples are happy because they’ve learned how to keep the right attitude no

matter what conditions they find themselves in.

So just out of curiosity… and this is rhetorical… How are you doing with that…?

… How do you typically respond when the UNEXPECTED happens in your life?

… when something out of your control suddenly takes control of your life?

… when your time… your energy… your schedule… your money… is being dictated by

something you have no say in?

… Would you say you’re pretty good at keeping the right mind and attitude?

OR … would you say that having control taken from you tends to ruffle your feathers a bit…?

… How would your spouse answer that question about you?

You see for most of us… we want to argue and defend our behavior…

… We want to use terms like just standing my ground…

… defending my rights…

… not allowing myself to get walked on…

… taking back control of my life…

But be that as it may… somewhere in the middle of this battle to hold our ground… to defend our rights… along with our sense of righteousness there is also this sort of ugly tension that we feel…

… A sort of unsettledness… or defensiveness… that rises up and begins to rob us of peace…

… and it’s not because we should just allow ourselves to be pushed around and walked on… it’s

because that constant need to stay in control… that tension of needing to fight in order to stand

our ground… inevitably takes away from us the ability to just choose to be happy no matter what

the circumstance…

… it robs from us the peace that always comes when we make that choice…

Slide #3

I know it sounds almost naïve… maybe even a little motivational speaker or self-help-ish… But as simple as it sounds… Living a life that is HAPPY… having a marriage that is HAPPY is largely about just making the decision that we are going to be happy…

And Again it feels foreign or almost cheesy to us because… Our natural tendency when things aren’t going the way we planned them to go is we tend to automatically view this as an affront to our plan… and we immediately view this affront from a negative point of view…

… and without even knowing it along with that negative viewpoint enters the very familiar

foxes of frustration… along with its cousins anxiety and tension.

And without us even knowing and definitely without our permission these little foxes come in and they start to eat away at our peace and our joy… and they set us on a course that could be defined as anything but happiness…

… And this happens at work… at school… in the grocery store… in our church… in our homes

and YES even in our marriages…

And while we are waiting on that incompetent store clerk… or that inconsiderate driver… that unrealistic preacher or that irritating spouse we have this internal conversation with ourselves that concludes that if all this negative “Stuff” were removed… if all those things and people who add to the tension were just gone… THEN we really could be a positive person and have a happy life…

Slide #4

But in their book… SYMBIS… Drs Les and Leslie Parrot address that way of thinking…

“Most negative people feel they could be positive if they had a different job, lived in a better place, or married a different person. But happiness does not hinge on better circumstances. A person with bad attitudes will still be a person with bad attitudes, wherever and with whomever he or she lives.”

… In other words, they are saying it isn’t the people or the circumstances that are stealing

your happiness… you’re not happy because you are not choosing to be happy…

… And again I know it sounds too simplistic and too psycho babble-ish…

Slide #5

But I think it was Joyce Meyer who said it as simple and as plain as it can be said… when she said…

YOU CANNOT HAVE A POSITIVE LIFE WITH A NEGATIVE MINDSET…

And let’s be clear… no one is saying that choosing to be happy… no matter the circumstance we find ourselves in means you’re always going to like what is happening…

… It doesn’t even mean you are going to necessarily agree with what’s happening…

And it’s definitely not saying you shouldn’t be praying that God would change what’s happening…

But the HARD REALITY is… no matter what it is or what aspect of life it is in… when you approach it from a negative mindset… from a negative heart… with a negative spirit… It is impossible for that thing to turn out positive…

Now on a very serious note… some of you have some very challenging things going on in your marriages… and you may be thinking… “Pastor Roger if you only knew what I’m dealing with in my marriage… if you just had a small glimpse into how deep and hurtful our issues really are you would know that no amount of cheesy grinned positivity preaching is going to fix what is going on in my marriage…”

But let me ask you… even in the middle of your deep hurt and pain… if choosing our mindset… refusing to allow negativity and hopelessness to be your viewpoint wasn’t vital to maintaining a happy life… why would the Apostle Paul, under the direction of the Holy Spirit, write…

Philippians 4:8

“Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.

I mean if there was no power or no emotional or spiritual significance to refusing to allow the negative things in our lives to become our focus… if there was no benefit to making sure we focus our attention on choosing to be happy despite the circumstance… why would Paul in the same chapter tell us to REFUSE to worry or be anxious about anything… ?

Can I tell you why… Because the Apostle Paul knew way back then what research and study in modern history has proven once again… That YOU CAN’T HAVE THE POSITIVE LIFE OR THE POSITIVE RESULTS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR WITH A NEGATIVE MIND.

And this is true in the HEALTHY marriages represented here this morning as well as the BROKEN marriage…

So choosing to be happy may not SOLVE your marriage issue… that may take a lot of really hard work… guided by professionals who have the knowledge and the tools to help you walk through that healing….

But MAKING THE CHOICE TO BE HAPPY provides a perspective and a foundation for the healing that is necessary in your marriage…

And this is true in your broken marriage too…

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So, is Happily Ever After possible… I believe it is…

… But its not the result of just finding the right person… it has nothing to do with glass

slippers or even always getting your way…

… the truth is it has very little to do with your circumstances…

… The power and the possibility of a life and marriage that is Happily Ever After rests largely in your ability to CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT’S HAPPENING AROUND YOU…

But Pastor Roger that seems so unrealistic… it seems so idealistic… I’m a realist… I just can’t stick my head in the clouds and ignore the negative…

And the truth is no one is asking you to ignore the negative… or pretend it isn’t there or even to let it all go unaddressed…

… What we ARE saying today and what Dr Parducci has concluded… and what the Holy Spirit

spoke through the Apostle Paul almost 2,000 years ago is this…

Slide #6

… IF YOU CHOOSE TO DWELL ON THE NEGATIVE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A POSITIVE

LIFE OR A POSITIVE MARRIAGE…

SO IF Happiness is something you long for in your life and in your marriage… it will require that you CHOOSE to be HAPPY…

And for most of us that will require a pretty significant shift in our minds and our perspectives…

IN Romans chapter 12 the Apostle Paul refers to this as a RENEWED mind…

Romans 12:2

Do not be shaped by this world; instead be changed within by a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to decide what God wants for you; you will know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect.

… a mind that doesn’t ignore that there is negative… but a mind that refuses to focus on that negative and instead places its trust in the power of God that is activated when we cast those concerns on Him and choose to replace them with those things that are worthy of our thoughts

Philippians 4:8

“… you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.

… It’s a mind that just chooses to be happy.

Is this what you want for your marriage… Happily Ever After?...

… The determining factor whether happily ever after is the reality in your marriage is the

attitude both you and your spouse choose to have when life gets challenging…

… So maybe its time for you to sit down with your spouse and that you start praying

and fighting together for a renewed mind.

CONCLUSION Statement:

Parrotts… “Living happily ever after only works when you make it work. When you take the raw materials of marriage the good and the bad that you’ve brought together as persons to design, create, and build a lasting bond, the result is an enduring and meaningful sense of genuine fulfillment.”

One final thought before we close the book on this series for good…

Somehow in our society we’ve adopted this idea that asking for help when it comes to our marriages… reaching out for insight or for help is somehow a sign of weakness…

… But this morning I would like to call that out for what it is… PRIDE… and HYPOCRISY…

Listen… If this morning you suddenly started bleeding out of your ears… or on your way home from church your car engine just stopped running… or in the middle of your online shopping your cell phone just quit with no warning… every one of us would find someone who has more knowledge that could help us figure out what was going on… We would waste no time inviting that person in to give us a clear direction…

… And the reality is… none of those things even remotely compare to the value of your

marriage…

… So let me challenge every married couple here to stop making excuses when it comes to learning from people wiser and stronger when it comes to marriage…

- I don't know any area of life where we set ourselves up with higher expectations than marriage…

- Dating, engagement, wedding and then the honeymoon, all set us up for disappointment.

- While dating we look, smell, and act the best that we possibly can. (ALWAYS)

- We spend all kinds of money on dinners, movies, and gifts.

- Then we buy this diamond that we really can’t afford. (My first loan was to buy Sharon’s diamond)

- And plan this incredibly romantic moment to ask her to marry you.

- Then comes the big wedding day and we want everything to be just perfect.

- The bride spends countless hours doing her hair and makeup and getting dressed.

- She walks down the aisle to majestic music declaring, “I AM THE PRINCESS, LOOK AT ME”

- Then they wisp off to some exotic vacation again that they can’t afford to have a honeymoon.

- This whole deal is really kind of UNFAIR!

- Fast forward that about six months into the marriage.

- This same Story Book Couple… is sitting around the breakfast table.

- He is in a T shirt and boxers with a day's stubble growth beard.

- She’s in sweatpants and sweatshirt with no makeup (and maybe a stubbly beard too)

- They both have morning breath that would peel paint off the wall.

- They are arguing over why they can't pay their bills.

- She no longer sees a romantic prince w/ flowers… she sees a pile of dirty underwear in the corner.

- Cologne and perfume are replaced with other odors that are not so pleasant.

- They look at each other and say, "What happened?"

- Regardless of how long you’ve been married the truth is… your marriage will be tested.

- Whether it’s finances, parenting, sex, careers, we will be faced with trials in our marriage.

The Apostle Paul says it like this in 1 Corinthians 7:28 NIV

“... those who marry will face many troubles in this life...”

… He is saying… “Listen when you try to merge 2 lives… 2 genders… 2 backgrounds… 2 families… 2 personalities… there is going to be conflict…”

Can anyone say AMEN to that?

- Arguments, disagreements, and personality conflicts are inevitable…

AND - There will be days where you don’t feel like being married…

- And during these frustrating times in marriage we learn an incredibly valuable lesson…

… Emotions and feelings can’t be trusted to hold a marriage together.

- Emotions and feelings are great, but they change… OFTEN…

… Emotions and feelings can change depending on the mood your spouse is in…

… Emotions and feelings can change with the color of her hair… the size of his waistline…

… Emotions and feelings change all the time… and they can’t be trusted to hold a marriage together

Mark 4:17 MSG

Jesus said, “There is a shallow type of person that when the emotions wear off and some difficulty arrives, there is nothing to show for it.”

- You Stopped Communicating Love.

- Conflict caused you to Stop talking TO one another and start talking AT one another.

- Expectations caused you to Stop COMPLIMENTING and Start COMMANDING.

- SELFISHNESS caused you to Stop putting their needs and wants in front of your own.

In the end what has happened is that we stopped respecting our spouse.

… The reality is… Happiness in your marriage is all about your choosing to HAPPY…

… It’s choosing to keep your mind right even when your spouse is driving you crazy…

… to roll with the punches when things are not going exactly as you planned…

… To choose to be content even when there is more out there to be acquired…

I mean if Happiness in our marriages is dependent upon our choosing to be happy then the counter also has to be true doesn’t it…?

… UNHAPPINESS in our narriage When we don’t choose to

- So… It has nothing to do with how many books they’ve read on marriage…

OR … how many marriage conferences they’ve been to…

OR … How much experience they have being married…

Now what’s so interesting to me is that eventhough he had no idea he was doing it, Dr Parducci, was applying to marriage a truth that had been spoken over 1900 years earlier by the Apostle Paul…

And we find that truth in the NT book of Philippians…

is using different words is repeating the words of

YOU see without even kowing it Dr APrducci has

He is truly saying that his research has proven that the determining factor whether you and your partner “live happily ever after” is the attitude you both choose to have when life gets challenging…

that they are able to roll with the punches when it comes to So, let me ask you… how are you doing with that?

… My guess… NOT GOOD!

… Let me simplify it down one more level… Dr Parducci is telling us that

of life will be

PHILIPPIANS 4:6

Philippians 4:12

My guess is not many of us here would claim to maintain the right attitude no matter what conditions we find ourselves in…

… In fact most of us

If you don’t cultivate contentment in every circumstance, unhappiness is certain

And as angering as this is going to be to so many of us… the truth is… Happy couples are happy… BECAUSE they DECIDE to be happy…

… They refuse to allow

Romans 12:2

Philippians 4:8

And I think what we’ve determined so far is that for most of us… if not all of us… our belief in Happily Ever After really boils down to our spouse doing whatever it takes to make us happy…

… Now we know how self-centered that sounds so we come up with creative ways to say it… but when it all shakes out… HEA… for us… really does revolve around US being happy

But if we took the time to remember I think we could all admit that our Happily Ever After story didn’t start there…

… It started with a covenant and some promises…

… It started with us making a committment to making our spouse our priority…

But for most of us it didn’t take long… some of you it only took a day or two… others maybe a month and some of you rock stars in the room it may have been a year before your idea of marriage began to shift from prioritizing your spouse to demanding that your spouse prioritize you.

… And the more our expectations went unfulfilled the more frustrated we become until those little foxes of disappointment and _______ enter into our marriages and they subtly and systematically turn your happily ever after dream into a holy smokes… what have I done nightmare…

And somehow our spouse becomes the target of all of our blame… th reason we DID this or DIDN’T do that… they are the reason we can’t have this or_______

And to borrow from sweet old Mrs. Potts… that is literally a tale as old as time…

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You see not long after God established the marriage covenant and set Adam and Eve up as the caretakers and sole residents of the Garden of Eden a little fox came into their garden…

… Although this fox didn’t take the shape of a fox he took the shape of a serpent…

And as we all know he tempted Eve to disobey God’s command to not eat the fruit off the tree of knowledge of good and evil…

… So Eve ate the fruit and then gave the fruit to Adam to eat and he did…

But later that evening God came to the garden for His evening walk with Adam and Eve and they were nowhere to be found…

Genesis 2:9 verse 9 tells us…

Then the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”

10 He replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.” “Who told you that you were naked?” the Lord God asked. “Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?”

… so the jigs up… Adam and Eve have disobeyed… they have introduced sin into the world… they know it and God knows it… so God says… “Did you do this…?”

… and Adam noble man that he is… the mighty protector of his bride… squeaks out in the voice of a 12 year old whose voice is changing… “It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it.”

I would ask you all if this sounds familiar, but Im afraid you would all lie to me…

Adam, instead of taking responsibility for his own actions and behavior… turns the blame onto Eve…

… It’s was the woman YOU GAVE ME… It’s her fault not mine…

Adam is looking at God… and refusing to

And this toxic shift in attitude allows

BUT CAN I Tell you someohting that you’re not goingto want to hear…? And this is not just my opinion… research has proven this out and I don’t like to hear it and Im sure you are not going to like to hear it either… but here it is anyway…

Happily Ever After shifts from

… Outside of Fairy tales and storybooks… the reality is Great marriages only happen when 2

very selfish people work very hard every day to not be selfish…

So what does HEA really look like?

… To this point we’ve determined that most of our ideas of HEA involves

.

And it may be days or months and for a few of you rock stars in here it may have even taken a year or two… for the excitement of the day diminishes so does our memory of what our covenant was really about…

But what if I told you happily ever after has very little to do with circumstances… What if I told you that Your happiness has very little to do with what actually happens to you

… So does that mean that HEA really just something that sounds good in a storybook?

… Is it really just a myth that has created this unrealistic expectation in the minds of

generations of little boys and girls until their spouse and their marriage is little more than a

disappointment…

I mean lets be real… no one can hold up under the expectation of perfection…

Well maybe not…

Lead up to personal responsibility

Then transition into our responsibility to be happy in our marriage

Then how to be happy is to have a mindset set on happiness

ADAM and EVE…

CANNOT HAVE A POSITIVE MARRIAGE WITH A NEGATIVE MINDSET