Love in Relationship

Introduction-I have had this dream for the past few years of developing a podcast. We are in the final stages of getting ready to formally launch. I thought this is the perfect opportunity to give you a taste of what it is all about and I hope is something that will glorify God in the process. Over thE last 20+ years in ministry I have come to learn that there are two things that as Christians we need to have better skill in handling. And that is “how we handle relationships” and “how we handle the Bible”. So since today is Valentines Day I want to talk about the first part. How we handle relationships.

You don’t have to look far to see that the current climate of relationships at least in America is in dire need of some help. We are bombarded everyday with advertisements about how to get the most out of life. Read this book. Take this course. I am not saying that none of these are helpful. We all want to be healthy and have good relationships with those around us. But rarely do we seek to find out what that truly requires.

Too often we aim at the wrong target. The world will tell us to focus on ourselves. Do YOUR best. worry about YOUR self. When just the opposite is what is required.

When I started managing my own clinic as a therapist. I learned two things very quickly. First, I am only as good as the relationships I have with my employees. And the success of the business is dependent on (not how much money I make) but on having good relationship with providers and patients in the community.

So why are relationship so difficult? The reality they are messy. They involve things like conflict, misaligned expectations, emotions are up and down all the time. Bandaids of old hurts are constantly being ripped off. Distractions cause havoc. And sometime there are just a clash of values. The bottom line is relationships take work. Sometimes a lot of work! And let’s be honest. Most of us have gotten relationally lazy. We want an easy fix. And relationships don’t work without work.

But fortunately God gave us a pattern in the Bible. So today’s verses are in Ephesians 4 & 5. I want to give you 3 things that Paul, though the inspiration oF the HS gave the church about how they should handle their relationships. I know Valentine’s Day is usually focused on couples. But this can apply to any relationship you have. Now Ephesians 4 is the unity chapter. Paul is writing to the church about how to be one in the body of Christ. But the reality you cannot have unity until you address behavior in relationship. So Paul calls them on it!

Ephesians 4:17–24 ESV

17 Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. 18 They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. 19 They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. 20 But that is not the way you learned Christ!— 21 assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, 22 to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, 23 and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, 24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

Here, Paul address one of the central stumbling block to all relationships. And that is Authority.

HUMILITY

If we are a new creation in Christ. We can no longer live by our own selfish ambitions. All good lasting relationship must begin with an understanding of humility. Pride is the opposite of humility. And what Paul does here is masterful. He actually appeals to their sense of pride to get them to see the need to be humble. You have been changed. You no longer live by your own authority. But are a new creature. With a new Authority. Christ! When we move from our own self authority. That is where we have true power in Christ to have the right kinds of relationships.

Paul moves on in his letter. in verse 29-32 to address what I think illustrates the next issue that often causes problems in relationship.

COMMUNICATION

Paul says this.....

Ephesians 4:29–32 ESV

29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

The words we use can be powerful! Scripture over and over communicates this....no pun intended.

The main thing that Paul is interested in here is the purpose behind our words. Paul isn’t telling us precisely what to say. It’s more fundamental than that: he’s telling us why to say what we say. Why do you speak? When you are using your mouth or your fingers to create words, what are those words for? So often, our words are for ourselves, aren’t they? Deliberately or subconsciously, we design our words to make ourselves feel better or look better or gain something for ourselves. But here, Paul tells us that our mouths and our fingers aren’t just for us, to use for our own purposes. The gospel of Jesus Christ has given us a whole new reason to live, to walk, and to speak. So, Paul says here, our words are to be used for good, for building, and for grace.

Lesson from my marriage on arguments.

We have to ask ourselves. Is the purpose of our communication to win an argument. Or to win the person. So here is a tactical strategy when you engage in a conversation. No this is a bit of hyperbole. But if you approach any conversation from the perspective of “if anyone gets mad (you or them)…you both loose. Try taking that approach. It takes a lot of thinking and choosing your words carefully. Too often our communication consist of things like name calling, put downs, labeling and often exaggerating behavior. How about some encouragement, praise, appreciation, gratefulness.

Let your speech be seasoned with salt. It is not what you say. But how you say it.

The question of the words you use is not merely a moral question: Am I avoiding dirty words? But the Christian question is this: Am I building the faith of others by what I say? Is my mouth a means of grace? Or am I frightened and anxious and angry about my life, because it isn’t going my way? or am I filled and overflowing with hope that the Spirit of God will keep me safe and direct not only my words, but my entire life? A lack of thoughtful communication generally means a lack of trust in not only the other person but also in ourselves.

Lastly, Paul moves on to what I will use an my final point. He moves on to Chapter 5. But it is really just a continuation of his letter. He says this....

Ephesians 5:1–10 ESV

1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 3 But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. 4 Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. 5 For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. 7 Therefore do not become partners with them; 8 for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light 9 (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), 10 and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.

Here Paul lays out the basic of all Christian ideas! Sacrifice!

SACRIFICE

Here Paul give a litany of actions that natural selfish behaviors. In OT times. sacrifices must be pure. And here paul tells us not only how to maintain purity in our lives. But also in our relationships. To give up anything in our lives requires disciple. Whether that is a bad habit. Or something unhealthy. Sacrifice in relationships is no different. It requires disciple. At it very core the idea of sacrifice is interconnected with the idea of love. Christ loved and sacrificed himself for us. The chapter goes on to talk about another important thing connected with sacrifice and that is submission. There is a lot of talk about husbands and wives. But the clear take away is that submission is about putting the will of the other person ahead of your own.

We have two saying our family that serve as reminders of how we handle relationships. Always be willing to say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong. Please forgive me.”. And you have to be willing to give up your rights for the sake of the relationship.

If we cannot learn to let go of our own selfish need to have our way in our relationships we will always be at odds. And wonder why our live are a mess. True it partly because we live in a fallen world. But the reason that world is the way that it is, is because from the very beginning we wanted to do things our own way.

So if having our own way in relationships is not the goal. What is? Why bother with all the extra selfless acts if there is no benefit for us. Well actually there is. As Christians we talk about gaining heaven. But there is also more to be gain by working to have right relationships with with God and each other. And that is one thing.

TRANSFORMATION

The Message of Ephesians Conclusion

What is the theme which has run right through chapter 4 and spilled over into chapter 5? These chapters are a stirring summons to the unity and purity of the church; but they are more than that. Their theme is the integration of Christian experience (what we are), Christian theology (what we believe) and Christian ethics (how we behave). They emphasize that being, thought and action belong together and must never be separated. For what we are governs how we think, and how we think determines how we act. We are God’s new society, a people who have put off the old life and put on the new; that is what he has made us. So we need to recall this by the daily renewal of our minds, remembering how we ‘learned Christ … as the truth is in Jesus’, and thinking Christianly about ourselves and our new status. Then we must actively cultivate a Christian life. For holiness is not a condition into which we drift. We are not passive spectators of a sanctification God works in us. On the contrary, we have purposefully to ‘put away’ from us all conduct that is incompatible with our new life in Christ, and to ‘put on’ a lifestyle compatible with it.

THE BOTTOM LINE: WE HAVE TO WANT TO CHANGE MORE THAN WE WANT OUR OWN WAY!

PRAYER