Languages of Connection: Expectations

Today we’re starting an on going series that we’ll pop in and out of from time to time. We’re calling it Languages of Connection. Languages of Connection we’ll reflect on the practical parts of healthy relationships. Things you can apply. How can you mature in how you connect with others in healthy relationships.

What better time to start an on going series about relationships Valentines Day?

Valentines Day is named after a Christian Priest from the 3rd century.

We know that Valentine was a priest when the church was still persecuted for preaching that Jesus is Lord and ruler of all creation. That mean that Roman governors were not authoritative over the church. Eventually marriages were made illegal. Valentine continued to hold secret weddings as a priest even though it was against Roman law. We think that this form of Radical Christian discipleship and these illegal weddings led to his eventual arrest and execution.

Valentine was seldom spoken of again until 1000 years later when a poets, most famously Geoffrey Chaucer put together that February 14th (a day the church choose to remember the Martyrdom of Valentine the priest, fell right around the time of year when birds would sing their mating songs to get ready for the spring. He wrote, per one translation, “For this was on Saint Valentine’s day / When every bird cometh there to chose his mate.”

Eventually Cadbury’s heart-shaped boxes of chocolates appeared in the 1860s, Hershey’s Kisses in 1907, and Hallmark Valentine’s Day cards in 1913…and now 2021 my kids are lucky enough to be eating chocolate today for Valentines Day. And Here we are!

So lets talk about relationships and the specifics of loving and faithful relationships. In our new series, Languages of Connection, we’ll reflect on the practical parts of healthy relationships. Things you can apply. How can you mature in connecting with others in healthy relationships. A scripture that summarizes our attitude towards one another and God is:

Proverbs 3:3–4 NIV

3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. 4 Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.

What do loyalty and faithfulness look like? In the eyes of our family? Our friends? Our spouse?

I’m grateful to be married to Christina. She’s bold, has deep convictions, and we’ve traveled all all over the world together. From the top of blue mountain in Jamaica, to the volcano erupting in Iceland that shut down half the airports in Europe. She has faithfully loved me and always chosen to step closer to me, eventually, in the hardest of our 14 years together. But early on we went to some marriage counselling and the councelor told us one thing that I want to pass on today.

Unmet expectations are often the central source of relationship conflict.

Unmet expectations are often the central source of relationship conflict, for Marriage, work, family or any relationship.

The first element in Languages of Connection we’ll talk about is expectations.

Listen to how Peter’s expectations of Jesus cause one of the most pointed conflicts in the New Testament:

Matthew 16:21–23 CEV

21 From then on, Jesus began telling his disciples what would happen to him. He said, “I must go to Jerusalem. There the nation’s leaders, the chief priests, and the teachers of the Law of Moses will make me suffer terribly. I will be killed, but three days later I will rise to life.” 22 Peter took Jesus aside and told him to stop talking like that. He said, “God would never let this happen to you, Lord!” 23 Jesus turned to Peter and said, “Satan, get away from me! You’re in my way because you think like everyone else and not like God.”

Wow! That’s intense.

How about some examples of unclear expectations from your own life? Times when unmet or unclear expectations create havoc at work, classrooms, friendships, dating relationships, marriages, sports teams, families, and churches. For example:

Your parents say, “Of course you’re coming to the family event. We’re important to you, aren’t we?”

You say to your boss, “I never knew the job involved all that. You never told me.”

You think to yourself, “I’m the only one caring for my aging parents. My siblings expect me to do everything.”

Or maybe, “If she really cared about me, she would call me more often.”

These all feel familiar. And these all hurt someone. Like Peter who expected something of Jesus and then Jesus pushed back to make clear that Peter’s expectations for Jesus were not accurate.

Why not? Jesus didn’t come to save the world the human way through power over evil. Or even the devil’s way through power, influence and showing his might over evil.

No, Jesus came into the world to deal with the root of evil by taking all of the evil of the world on his own shoulders, allowing it to crush him and send him into the realm of sin and death. The author of life, died. But death could not hold him. Jesus overcame every power of evil, sin, death and broken relationships in the resurrection. The Author of Life overcame the power of sin and death. This is not the human way to change the world. God changes you and I through God sacrificing himself. The world is healed through the power of God’s kingdom.... through the power of self-sacrificial servant love. Power under the hurting and sinful, not power over them to force a change. Peter didn’t expect this. The world didn’t expect this…The world doesn’t expect this still…this good news often needs to be seen to be believed. Praise Jesus, it’s true. But Jesus got in Peter’s face because Peter’s expectations were not accurate!

Expectations get us into a lot of trouble and maybe we don’t realize it.

Is there a way to deal with this? Praise the Lord, the church has worked on this. God’s gift to us today is a crash course on expectations:

I’m borrowing this from a pastor in New York named Peter Scazzero, and Pat Ennis a relationship councelor.

We expect other people to know what we want before we say it (especially if are close to us). The problem with most expectations is that they are:

unconscious—we have expectations we’re not even aware of until someone disappoints us;

unrealistic—we may have illusions about others. For example, we think a spouse, a friend, or a pastor will be available at all times to meet our needs;

unspoken—we may have never told our spouse, friend, or employee what we expect, yet we are angry when our expectations are not met; and

un-agreed upon—we may have had our own thoughts about what was expected, but it was never agreed upon by the other person.

Expectations are only valid or fair when they have been mutually agreed upon. We all know the unpleasant feeling of other people having expectations we never agreed to. In order for expectations to be established, they must first be:

conscious (I have to become aware of the expectations I have of the other person);

realistic (I have to ask myself if my expectations regarding the other person are realistic);

spoken (I have to speak my expectations clearly, directly, and respectfully to the other person); and

agreed upon (in order for my expectations to be valid, the other person must be aware of and agree to them; otherwise it is simply a hope).

This is where your practicing discipleship comes in. Practicing Christlike patience and turning towards others:

Think of an expectation you have of a spouse, friend, roommate, boss, family member, or coworker.

Ask yourself:

Am I conscious of what this expectation really is?

Is it realistic?

Has it been spoken?

Have they also agreed to this?

Initiate conversation with them and come to a mutually agreed upon expectation. Now think of a person who may have an unconscious, unrealistic, unspoken, and un-agreed upon expectation of you. Sit down with them and discuss it. Seek to come to a mutually agreed upon expectation.

God’s patience is our model for patience in relationships. Jesus was patient with his disciples when they just didn’t understand him. God is patent with all of creation as he is constantly inviting all people, and all of creation to find healing in Christ. To come to him to find rest, hear his voice and discover new life in the community of the church family.

God is patient and constantly inviting us back when we don’t understand the path of discipleship with Jesus. Let’s continue to be born again in patience with one another. Lets take this specific model of expectations and learn it, let it sink inside, ask ourselves these questions when we have a relationship conflict and take initiative to learn to have clearer expectations in all of our relationships.

Am I conscious of what my expectations really are?

Are they realistic?

Have it been spoken?

Have they also agreed to this?

Expectations that are:

Conscious

Realistic

Spoken

Agreed upon

Lets grow as people who are mature in this Language of Connection: Clear expectations. Lets make conscious, realistic, spoken and agreed upon expectations a common language in YUM Church. A common language that leads to healthy and mature connections between us, our loved ones and the world.

For the glory of God and the witness of Christ. Amen.