What Forgiveness Is Not

Series:

Freedom Through Forgiveness

What Forgiveness Is Not

Colossians 3:12-15

Colossians 3:12–15 NLT

12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

Introduction:

One definition by the American Psychological Association of forgiveness:

“Forgiveness is the mental and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.”

Simply put:

Forgiveness is releasing someone who has wronged you from the debt that they owed you.

As we said before, forgiveness is easy to talk about, but not always easy to practice—especially when hurts run deep.

Forgiveness lays down my rights. My right to hold onto bitterness or resentment and my right to get even.

In future messages, we are going to walk through how to forgive and take a serious look at the process of forgiveness. However, in order to understand what forgiveness is and put it into practice, we need to establish some guardrails and do some myth busting by defining what forgiveness is not.

I. Forgiveness is not ignoring the sin committed against you. (Colossians 3:13)

Colossians 3:13 NLT

13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

A- Notice that we are not told to ignore or dismiss the offence, but to “forgive” it!

1- forgiveness doesn’t overlook sin—it acknowledges sin for what it is and what it costs...and then releases the wrongdoer from the debt that sin created.

2- God died for the sin that we committed. It is not a small thing. It is not something that is “ok” or “no big deal.” This sin cost Jesus Christ His life!

3- When someone sins against us, denying it is not holy or wholesome.

a- It is part of the process of forgiveness to acknowledge it and confront it. This is one way that we hold one another accountable and help each other to grow.

(Matthew 18:15)

Matthew 18:15 NLT

15 “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.

(Galatians 6:1)

Galatians 6:1 NLT

1 Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.

b- The sin should be acknowledged by you with God as part of the process of forgiveness.

(1) Our point here is that forgiveness does not and cannot dismiss sin as if it did not happen. If you deny that sin took place, then you are denying that there is any debt to be released. Doing this actually creates a lie that pushes pain inward and allows unforgiveness to remain.

(2) Also, sometimes there is still the need for a guilty person to be held accountable for their sin within a legal justice system. There are consequences for actions, and sometimes even in our forgiveness, there is a need for legal recourse. It is not unchristian or ungodly for a believer to see justice done.

(a) However, this should not be done as a way to get revenge on the one who has harmed us. As in all things, we must seek God’s glory— including in the way we seek justice.

(b) Sometimes legal justice is the best way to

prevent others from being harmed (as the same type of injury might be repeated to others) and

it may actually be the best way to show love and redemption to the offender.

II. Forgiveness is not forgetting the wrong done. (Matthew 18:23-27; 32-35)

Matthew 18:23–27 NLT

23 “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. 24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. 25 He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. 26 “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ 27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.

Matthew 18:32–35 NLT

32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. 33 Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ 34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. 35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”

A- Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting.

1- The biblical idea of forgiveness comes from the OT legal act of forgiving or cancelling a debt.

a- Some people mistakenly base this on some passages that teach about God forgetting our sin. Some that are often quoted are:

(Jeremiah 31:34) –

Jeremiah 31:34 NLT

34 And they will not need to teach their neighbors, nor will they need to teach their relatives, saying, ‘You should know the Lord.’ For everyone, from the least to the greatest, will know me already,” says the Lord. “And I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins.”

Let’s clear this up. God has not forgotten what we have done. In the Scriptures, the idea of forgiveness carried the same kind of language as a monetary debt and so to be forgiven was (and is) the same as having a debt canceled so that nothing is owed. When God says that he will not “remember” our sins anymore, He is speaking in the legal sense in that He will no longer require any payment for them. He has chosen to remove our debt which means the debt has been effectively “forgotten.”

We are free from the guilt we had in our sin (in fact, He treats us as if those debts had never existed), but God is not ignorant of our sin, and when we talk to Him about it, He’s not going “What are talking about? I don’t remember you ever doing that!” Otherwise, when Jesus forgave the woman at the well, He might have said, “Neither do I condemn you...wait...what were we talking about??” God in His mercy forgives our debt and treats us as though we had not sinned...but He has not forgotten that sin was committed or what it was. It simply is not held against us.

b- Note the clarity of Paul’s words in Colossians 2:13-14.

Colossians 2:13–14 NLT

13 You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. 14 He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross.

III. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation (Luke 15:11-24)

A- In Scripture, forgiveness and reconciliation are very closely related, but they are not the same thing.

In Luke 15:11-24, the prodigal son sins against the father.

The father in the story forgives the son before repentance and reconciliation takes place. This is seen in Luke 15:20. The Father has already cancelled the emotional debt, but reconciliation has not occurred until Luke 18:21-24.

Luke 15:20 NLT

20 “So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.

1- Forgiveness is releasing a debt. Reconciliation is the restoration of a relationship.

2- Forgiveness is necessary for reconciliation, but reconciliation is not necessary for forgiveness.

a- What is the component in reconciliation that isn’t present in forgiveness?

REPENTANCE.

3- Repentance by the other person is not necessary for forgiveness, but it is necessary for reconciliation. I can forgive someone who doesn’t repent. I cannot reconcile with someone who doesn’t repent.

We would hope for reconciliation, but sometimes this isn’t possible.

In Scripture we are told:

(Romans 12:17-18)

Romans 12:17–18 NLT

17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

First, notice that we are not to pay back evil with evil or revenge. I am called to forgive and release the debt that someone owes me.

However, you can only do all that YOU can to live in peace with someone. Some people refuse to accept reconciliation.

And in some relationships, it is not only impossible, it is also unwise to seek reconciliation.

Proverbs actually speaks a LOT about kinds of relationships we should get as far away from as possible.

· Abusive relationships.

Forgiveness and love are unconditional. Reconciliation is conditional, and trust is earned.

IV. Forgiveness is not a feeling (Ephesians 4:31- 32)

(Ephesians 4:31- 32):

Ephesians 4:31–32 NLT

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

A- Notice that we are not instructed to “feel” kind, tenderhearted or forgiving.

1- Too often, we want to wait until we feel some type of benevolence to forgive others. The problem with emotions is that they are generally determined by circumstances. If your circumstances don’t change in a relationship, you may never “feel” like forgiving someone.

a- Our society has taught us that our emotions should determine our behavior. The lie is that this is “being authentic.” NOT TRUE! Negative emotions are a gauge warning us of a threat or acknowledging a hurt. However, feeling shouldn’t determine behavior. Instead, we should act in obedience whether we “feel” it or not. Forgiveness is an act of the will...not an emotion.

2- On the flip side of this, some of you are afraid that you haven’t forgiven because you still hurt. Just because it hurts doesn’t mean you’ve failed to forgive.

a- Some of you have had horrible things done to you. With all sincerity, I’m sorry. And it would be so cruel to say, "Well, if you’ve forgiven them, it shouldn’t hurt anymore." Well, sure it does.

b- We don’t hear in the Bible that all the tears are wiped from our eyes until the resurrection in the final unveiling of the kingdom. It means people are crying all the way to Jesus. It still hurts. It’s okay for it to bother you.

c- Also, forgiveness is a process, and sometimes we have to walk through that process repeatedly. The deeper the pain, the more likely we are to have to go through forgiveness more than once.

Think of it like grieving.

Where might my emotions factor into forgiveness?

When you feel these emotions welling up in you again, you should walk back through the process of forgiveness.

VI. Forgiveness is not requiring an apology or for someone to deserve to be forgiven.

Sometimes we might say, “I would forgive them if they only____” However, we need to be honest and recognize that forgiveness isn’t earned; it’s given. It’s even in the word itself: “for—giveness.” You are literally GIVING the individual freedom from their debt BEFORE it is paid.

To require that a person pay for their sin before it is forgiven isn’t forgiveness at all. It’s atonement. You are requiring them to atone for their sin. To require this is actually a denial of the gospel. Why? Because Jesus already carried out the atonement for all sin on the cross. This includes the sins committed by you and also against you. To refuse to forgive is actually to say, “Jesus’ blood may be enough for God to forgive sin, but it isn’t enough for me.” Remember, requiring Jesus + anything is to deny the gospel and essentially to devalue the blood of Jesus.

Even our demanding an apology in order to forgive is an affront to the gospel.

“But wait, doesn’t God require us to repent before He forgives us?” No. He requires repentance before reconciliation can take place between us and Him (remember our talk on reconciliation), but all sin was paid for by Jesus on the cross.

(Romans 5:6-8):

Romans 5:6–8 NLT

6 When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. 7 Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. 8 But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

Forgiveness was given to us before we ever repented. In fact, God’s forgiveness was given while we were still defiantly rebellious enemies of God. If God had required repentance first, salvation wouldn’t have been offered before we turned from our sin—something that would’ve been completely impossible for us.

V. Forgiveness is not easy (Matthew 26:52-54)

Matthew 26:52–54 NLT

52 “Put away your sword,” Jesus told him. “Those who use the sword will die by the sword. 53 Don’t you realize that I could ask my Father for thousands of angels to protect us, and he would send them instantly? 54 But if I did, how would the Scriptures be fulfilled that describe what must happen now?”

A- Jesus is the example of the costliness of forgiveness

1- Notice that Jesus could have avenged Himself and demanded justice and retribution on those who were arresting and who would soon crucify Him. He laid down those rights.

(Luke 23:34):

Luke 23:34 NLT

34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice.

There is a reason the Bible speaks so deeply to the subject of forgiveness. IT IS HARD!

Forgiveness is not cheap. It is costly. Forgiveness requires us to lay down our rights—just as Jesus did.

Many times when we refuse to forgive, it is because we doubt the justice of God. We believe that if we don’t seek justice, no one will.

However, the gospel is that justice is God’s, and He will carry it out. In fact, the beauty of the gospel is that justice was already done. We can trust our just God to deal with sin—both ours and those committed against us.

VII. Forgiveness is not optional

A- We are commanded to forgive throughout Scripture.

(Ephesians 4:31-32):

Ephesians 4:31–32 NLT

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Notice that there is no condition given under which we can hold onto someone’s debt.

We are called to forgive others in the same way that Jesus has forgiven us.

(The parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18.)

In the Model Prayer, Jesus prays that God will forgive us in the same way that we forgive others. And He even follows the prayer with the warning that God will not forgive those who refuse to forgive.

CONCLUSION:

Remember that before you were a person who needed to forgive, you were a person in need of forgiveness.

The Bible reminds us that our sin is not something that God could or should have excused. Our sin is our defiant rebellion against God, and that rebellion completely and utterly separated us from Him. The prophet Isaiah tells us that

(Isaiah 64:6)

Isaiah 64:6 NLT

6 We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind.

But God, chose to forgive us while we were still sinners. Jesus gave His life to pay the price for our forgiveness. THAT is the gospel!

Because Jesus paid the high cost of forgiveness by His death, forgiveness is given to us freely.

This same good news that Jesus has paid for your sin is also true for the person who has sinned against you. Because Jesus has paid their debt, there is no longer a reason for you to hold onto that debt.

Also, the same power of God that forgives you is the same power that now empowers you to forgive. You do not have to stay enslaved by unforgiveness. You do not have to carry the weight of the sin of others anymore. God has empowered you to forgive those who have sinned against you.

You now have both the command and the ability to forgive those who have sinned against you. You do not have to live defined by the sins and hurts that were committed against you, but rather by the love of God that has been given to you (you cannot be defined by both).

You have been made free from sin in Christ. Choose to forgive as He has forgiven you. Choose to release the debt that is owed. Choose to turn away from anger and bitterness, and instead to walk in the freedom Christ has given to you.

Now what?