Authentic Relationships

Being Real in an Artificial World

How Christ’s friendship with his followers exemplifies the traits necessary to navigate our relationships through good and bad times.

We continue our series on “Being Authentic” today talking about “Realatioships”. Every human being is created in God’s image and is therefore a relational being. Since we’re relational beings, if we have any hope of joy and peace and happiness in life we need to know how to “do” relationships.

The majority of good relationships don’t just happen by accident. There are attitudes we must own and actions we must take in order to insure good relationships.

There are a lot of things about what is happening to the economy right now that can happen to relationships. I thought that was very insightful. Right now we’re going through a recession. Money is short of supply and the stock market is down and people are losing jobs and home sales are down. Relationships can face recessions too. There can be times when the stress level increases and you feel depleted of the necessary resources for your relationships to survive. How do you survive and even thrive in your relationships – when they’re being put to the test?

Today I am going to share some very valuable information with you from God’s Word about recession-proofing your relationships. We’re going to discover the keys to having great marriages, being good parents, having worthwhile friendships, getting along with your co-workers and neighbors, overcoming conflict and misunderstanding, experiencing great communication, and more.

Today is a foundational message. From the Bible and from the life and teachings of Jesus we learn that one of the most important ways to recession-proof our relationships is make sure that we’re AUTHENTIC so that our relationships can be authentic. If we’re going to overcome the occasional recessions in our relationships we must be authentic. We’re going to have to take off our masks, stop pretending, stop playing games, and be open, honest and real with one another. But how do we do that?

Jesus points the way in what He said about relationships. In John chapter 15 Jesus is talking about the friendship that He has with His followers. This is amazing! Jesus chooses to have a friendship relationship with those of us who follow Him! And in this same passage He lays the foundation for great relationships.

John 15:9–17 NKJV

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. “These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you. These things I command you, that you love one another.

From this passage we’re going to concentrate on four concepts that Jesus emphasizes. These four ideals teach us how to have authentic relationships. The first concept is love. Underline the word love or any form of the word love in this passage. You will find the word love occurs 9 times. So this is our first key to authentic relationships – the kind of relationships I must have in order to survive the tough times that all relationships face.

AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS ARE BASED ON AUTHENTIC LOVE.

Not just love, “authentic” love. What is authentic love? Authentic love is mature love. It’s the kind of love that is based on the value of the person who is loved. God loves us because He values us. God loves us because He values us. And so we are to love one another because of the inherent value each one of us possesses. Each one of us is created in the image of God and worthy of love. We are to love others not because they’re always lovable but because they’re always valuable.

Love that isn’t authentic is based on whim. It’s based on circumstances or emotions. Authentic love, on the other hand, is based on worth, on value. So we show love, we behave lovingly, even when circumstances and emotions are stacked against us because people don’t lose their value just because times get tough.

A woman seeking counsel from Dr. George W. Crane, the psychologist, confided that she hated her husband, and intended to divorce him. “I want to hurt him all I can,” she declared firmly. “Well, in that case,” said Dr. Crane, “I advise you to start showering him with compliments. When you have become indispensable to him, when he thinks you love him devotedly, then start the divorce action. That is the way to hurt him.” Some months later the wife returned to report that all was going well. She had followed the suggested course. “Good,” said Dr. Crane. “Now’s the time to file for divorce.” “Divorce!” the woman said indignantly. “Never. I love my husband dearly!” (Bits & Pieces, August 22, 1991)

Authentic relationships – which are essential to surviving the tough times that our relationships go through – are based on the authentic love of valuing the other people in our lives. Our biological family, our church family, our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers, we are even called upon by Jesus to love our enemies – why? If we love only in the easy times and ways, then we haven’t learned to love the way God loves us, and our love won’t survive the recessions of our relationships!

Hard times come and immature lovers stop loving. It is authentic love that is true love. It is the only kind of love that can put up with the disappointments, the heartaches and heartbreaks, the struggles, the misunderstandings, the disagreements, the quirks of other people’s personalities, etc.

The good thing about authentic love is, you don’t ever “fall out”of this kind of love. Sometimes you hear someone say, “We just fell out of love with one another.” It’s like they didn’t have a choice. With authentic love you have a choice. You decide whether or not you’re going to go on treating others the way that love treats people, or you decide to stop treating them the way love treats people. You decide whether or not you are going to value others like God does.

There’s not a person in this room that is lovable 100% of the time. Yet God loves you 100% of the time! And He commands you to love others - even when they’ve done wrong, even when their attitude stinks, even when they hurt you and disappoint you.

You say, “I don’t know if I can love that way.” On your own you can’t. But with God’s help you can. And it will mean everything to you when your relationships face a recession. Secondly…

AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS ARE BASED ON AUTHENTIC OBEDIENCE.

Ooops! Did I say a bad word in church? “Obedience? Why that’s the very kind of teaching and preaching that causes a lot of folks to stay away from church. People complain all the time that the reason they don’t like church is because it’s all about rules. Do this, don’t do that.”

Here’s a column called "Awakening Faith" from Outreach Magazine, March/April 2009 written by Marlon Hall, the cultural architect of Awakenings Movement in Houston, TX.

“As I lead and organic church reaching the unreached, I often shy away from structure and order. I think of myself as a free-thinking leader and sometimes fear that structure might take away from the momentous flow and amorphic beauty of church life and culture. “In fact, I have considered myself to be a structure-hating freedom fighter since the third grade, when as a student at St. Francis of Assisi, I had an intense obsession with liberty. My disdain for discipline bubbled within me like a lactose intolerant stomach after a healthy portion of banana pudding, but I fought my war in passive silence. “I hated that we had to eat ventilation-holed Salisbury steak and translucent powdered mashed potatoes twice a week, with tasty country fried chicken and crispy fries only on Fridays. This, too, was unfair; but still I rebelled in silence. I said nothing. “Then one day, Sister Mary Catherine stood before the lunch room, demanding our attention through a slap and a tap on the table with her thick Ruler of Pain with a copper strip fixed along the edge. The room grew silent, and she announced that while white milk would be served daily, chocolate milk would now only be served on Thursdays. “This, my friends, was the last straw. You see, I LOVED chocolate milk.

“In a desperate display of freedom from Sister Mary Structure, I rose to my feet with my clenched right fist waving in the air, head down, reminiscent of the freedom fighters standing for justice at the 1968 Olympics.“At first I heard a few kids give me the timeless and incriminating, ‘Oooooh.’ Fear struck my heart and my fist was about to come undone when to my surprise, I heard the high-pitched screech of aluminum chairs shifting all over the room. My classmates and comrades were standing one by one with fists held high! It was beautiful!

“I finally stood up for my freedom, and my standing subsequently inspired a movement. My passion was no longer passive. It was no longer bubbling within. “I was free. WE were free. That is, until our protest ended with a slap and two taps from the Ruler of Pain. It came down on me so hard that copper strip flew off into Hubert Johnson’s potatoes. “It was over. “As I grew, my feelings about structure carried over into my faith, as I assumed God was the Divine Rule Maker whose primary goal was to slow me down, making my life mundane with his rules and regulations. However, over the past few years, I have awakened to God’s divine intent for order and structure. I have learned a new way to embrace the liberation of discipline.

“This education came as I journeyed in the second chapter of Genesis, where God breathes life into Adam and Eve. He gives Adam a passionate purpose: naming the animals. He provides a plush estate in which Adam and Eve may roam freely. Then, lastly, he gave them both one single rule. “God’s priority, you see, was not the rules. Before God gives Adam and Eve rules and restraints, he had already given them so much freedom. He gave them discipline so that they could fully embrace that freedom. I’ve learned that God is a God of life and freedom, but freedom without discipline is not freedom at all. It is chaotic bondage.

“Discipline and freedom work hand in hand. They are not mutually exclusive; they are one.”

Authentic obedience is not complaining about obeying God with a clenched fist raised in the air. Authentic obedience, just like authentic love, was perfectly modeled in the life of Jesus.

10 I have obeyed my Father’s commands, and I remain in his love. In the same way, if you obey my commands, you will remain in my love.

14 You are my friends if you do what I command you.

God’s love for us is unconditional. But our reciprocal love has a condition: obedience. How do I show God that I love Him? By obeying His commands. Can I obey perfectly? No. Sometimes I fail to obey. But my lifestyle should be one of obedience.

I’m sad after I disobey because I know that God is light and He wants me to walk in the light. It takes authentic love to produce authentic obedience to Christ, which in turn produces the third element necessary for authentic relationships. The better I become at obeying Christ the more authentic I become.

Do you see the pattern emerging? Authenticity leads to stability in my life and relationships. A lack of authenticity, or what the Bible calls being “doubleminded,” leads to instability in my life and relationships. "A doubleminded man is unstable in all his ways." James 1:8 (21st Century KJV) You say, “I don’t have time to be concerned about being authentic.” Okay. But if you aren’t authentic your life will be unstable! If I want to enjoy stable relationships, even when the winds of adversity blow, I must be authentic. I must practice authentic love, authentic obedience, and thirdly…

AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS ARE BASED ON AUTHENTIC JOY!

11 I have told you these things so that you can have the same JOY I have and so that your JOY will be the fullest possible JOY. Jesus not only wants His followers to have joy. He wants us to have the same joy that He has! He wants us to have the fullest possible joy! This is marvelous! Jesus wants His followers, even in the toughest of times, to be able to experience gladness and delight.

We have this misconception that joy is only for the trouble-free spots in our lives. Not so! Joy is meant for the hard times. Jesus wants us to experience the kind of joy that is authentic even in life’s deepest valleys.

Author Leo Buscaglia tells this story about his mother and their "misery dinner." It was the night after his father came home and said it looked as if he would have to go into bankruptcy because his partner had absconded with their firm’s funds. (So what did Leo’s mother do upon hearing this sad news?) His mother went out and sold some jewelry to buy food for a sumptuous feast. Other members of the family scolded her for it. But she told them that "the time for joy is now, when we need it most, not next week." Her courageous act rallied the family.

Jesus doesn’t want us to forfeit our joy when bad things happen, especially in our relationships. He wants us to have “the fullest possible joy!” How can we have joy in the middle of setbacks and heartaches? The authentic joy that it takes to recession-proof our relationships comes from authentic love and obedience.

Joy is not dependent upon circumstances. Joy supersedes circumstances. Joy comes from loving God and others and from obeying Christ. Joy comes from being the right kind of person and doing the right thing.

Apparently John captured this concept of the fullest possible joy that Jesus introduced because later in his letters he wrote about it. "And we are now writing these things to you so that our joy [in seeing you included] may be full [and your joy may be complete]." 1 John 1:4 (Amp)

The sad thing in our lives is that our joy is not full, it isn’t “complete” sometimes because of our disobedience to the things Christ commanded us to do. Consequently, when we hit rough waters in our relationships we don’t have enough authentic joy for our relationships to remain afloat.

Fourthly...

AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS ARE BASED ON AUTHENTIC COMMUNICATION.

15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know what his master is doing. But I call you friends, because I have made known to you everything I heard from my Father. 16 You did not choose me; I chose you. And I gave you this work: to go and produce fruit, fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you anything you ask for in my name. Jesus said, “I have made know to you everything I heard from my Father.” And furthermore, “…the Father will give you anything you ask for in my name.”

God the Father communicates with His Son, Jesus, and Jesus, in turn, tells His followers everything that the Father told Him because we’re His friends! Then, as if that isn’t radical information enough, Jesus says, “Go to the Father in My name and ask for anything and He will give it to you!”

Open lines of communication from heaven to earth and back to heaven again! Jesus was the world’s most authentic being ever because He maintained perfect communication with His Father in heaven at all times. And the amazing, incredible, almost unbelievable next step is…He says that we can get in on this wonderful open line of communication from and back to heaven! What gives? Why would Jesus make us this offer - to be able to communicate with heaven unobstructed?

How does this work? Here’s the hinge that this gates swings on. 16 You did not choose me; I chose you. And I gave you this work: to go and produce fruit, fruit that will last. In the first 8 verses of John chapter 15 Jesus had just painted a word picture about how He is the true vine and His followers are the branches on the vine. He talked a lot about fruit and how that is the result of a healthy branch. A healthy Christ follower will produce fruit. Jesus didn’t specify what the fruit is in John 15 but the Bible specifies what fruit in the life of a Christ follower is. "..the Spirit produces the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." Galatians 5:22-23 (NCV)

"The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he who wins souls is wise." Proverbs 11:30 (NIV) Same verse from the Amplified Bible: 30The fruit of the [uncompromisingly] righteous is a tree of life, and he who is wise captures human lives [for God, as a fisher of men--he gathers and receives them for eternity]. Proverbs 11:30 (Amp)

Who is the authentic Christ follower – to whom this promise of an open communication line from and back to heaven then applies?

The one that produces the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. And the one who is a fisher of men – one who gathers others for God.

In the mean time, without adding much of my comment, these are the things that also provide for good communication among ourselves – which produces authentic relationships – which recession-proof our relationships – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If I exhibit these fruits of the Spirit I’ll have authentic relationships.

And if I’m investing my life, my time, my talents in trying to make Jesus know to others – that unselfishness – that obedience to Christ’s Great Commission – will produce recession-proof relationships!